I know for her entire life, up until that very moment; in her head it was spelled C-O-Y.

I've been friends with Crossley for 25 years (since 3rd grade), and even though I know her better than anyone else does, it's truly remarkable how often I'm in awe of what comes out of her mouth. She says things that are so brilliantly unexpected, so beautifully uncrafted, that it would be impossible for me to exaggerate these gems.

It's in her DNA to spout off quotable statement after quotable statement because both of her parents are masters at it, and their own quotables will start showing up around here, so prepare yourselves accordingly. In conversation, I have always called them "Crossley-isms", and now they have their own label at the bottom of each featured post I write. They will earn it, having their own specific label, trust me.

Even when completely sober and not lashing out at animated woodland creatures like she did in this classic post (which you must click to read, especially if you missed it the first time!), she's so quotable! This next one still cracks me up and it happened almost 10 years ago, when we were traipsing around Europe together for an entire month. One particular day, we were checking out the sites in London, not unlike this:


Look kids! There's Big Ben, Parliament!

Which brings us to this morning, when I was doing some online holiday shopping and I stumbled across these cute little magnets, which reminded me of that day in London. We were walking along and came upon some beautiful urban landscaping.

Crossley: Look! I love these koi ponds! I've never seen one this big before. Check out the fish!

Me: Boom town fish! It's bizarre to see this randomly in the middle of the city instead of someone's backyard.

Crossley: When I get my own house, I'm definitely going to build my own koi pond, and I'm going to get a bunch of those cool fish, too. What are they called, anyway?

Me: [...] Koi.

Crossley: What?

Me: K-O-I. Koi. It's Japanese for "carp".

Crossley: Ooooh right.

(Lest you think otherwise, she is a highly intelligent person. Her day job as the lone female working with the men of her city in the field of engineering is no cake walk. She makes sure the tall buildings won't fall over, and that you aren't constructing houses over sacred burial ground. The brain power she uses for this kind of responsibility is no joke, especially because she sacrifices all of her brain cells and "thinking time" to her job. I should definitely be paying her for this kind of entertainment.

Her favorite part of today will be all the spankings.

Happy birthday, Anastasia Beaverhausen!
You're very lucky I know that half of your employees (the ones with class and taste, anyway) AND your mother read this blog, because otherwise I would pull out the big guns and spill all of your secrets here, for all to read. In an effort to discourage any of them from writing "For a good time, call J.C.!" on the bathroom walls at the office, (I'm talking to you, J.C.'s mom. Put that sharpie down!) I'll restrain myself. You're welcome.


This really IS worth 1,000 words. 1986-ish.

I can't believe we've been friends for this long, especially since the first time I saw you "cheat" on your blind drawing in 7th grade art class I figured you must be a real jerk. Who looks at their paper during blind drawing? What's that you say? Everyone except me? Oh, right. That year, you moved to Tennessee from Ohio of all places. OHIO! Could we be any different?


I'm not even sure whose room this was taken in, but it's not either of ours. I am pretty sure, however, that you're wearing your boyfriend's shorts. HURRAY for my memory and the really important things that stick!

I was very much a good girl (okay, I wasn't a good girl, but I gave off that vibe to all of the adults) and you were very much not a good girl, no matter how well your mother raised you. I didn't warm up to you until I overheard you telling some of our classmates that for halloween, you planned to dress up like Madonna. These were the Like a Virgin days, and because of that, I liked your sense of irony.


We're posing in front of a Rolls Royce, but nobody would know that because we're totally blocking it.

Then I heard you say you liked WHAM!, and that coupled with the fact that you were wearing a "Frankie Say Relax" t-shirt at the time (you even knew what the song actually meant, unlike the other girls in our class who I had grown tired of explaining it to); I knew that we would be friends... cut to 23 years later and we're still laughing so loud during our long-distance phone calls that my neighbors complain.


Frankie Say Relax! Don't do it...

Just the other night when you said that of the Will & Grace cast, you were DEFINITELY Karen, and then asked who I thought I was? I can't believe that for one moment I thought that was an actual question for me to answer ("Well, I'm not Grace, you don't think I'm Grace, do you; because I'm totally not her... OH. MY. GOD. I'm Jack, right? This is when you tell me that I'm Jack, isn't it?") and not just an opening you made for YOURSELF to tell me that you are convinced I'm Jack. By the way, I have to agree. Case in point:


"Chaka Khan, you totally found my G-spot!"


You know I think you're SUPER...


This is "our song" for eternity! Yes, I think you look cute in that hat.


My favorite old-timey (!!) photo of you & Mr. Beer, long before you guys got hitched. Notice your tongue. Some things never change.

Abu Dhabi, Ubbi Dubbi... Ubbi Dubbi, Abu Dhabi.

It was impossible to get away from NPR's (and every other newstation's) coverage of the story on Abu Dhabi's multi-million dollar investment in Citigroup today.

I know, I know... it's a sign of the times; a seriously weighty disclosure and all of that. Nothing about it is funny.

Still, I couldn't help but giggle to myself every time the reporters said "Abu Dhabi", simply because it made me think of the Ubbi Dubbi pig greek language from the PBS show ZOOM way back in the day; as well as Letterman's famously unfunny "introduction" bit from his stint hosting the 1995 Academy Awards.

You'll have to watch both of these short videos to really get inside of my brain, thereby enjoying this post to the max:


Abu Dhabi, Ubbi Dubbi... Ubbi Dubbi, Abu Dhabi.



Oprah, Uma... Uma, Oprah. (starts at :27)

Comcastholes

Recently, my friend J.C. took one of her cable boxes in because it hasn't worked in quite awhile. Between raising 2 children and running a company with her husband, the woman is one busy Texan. She could have chosen to spend countless hours on the phone trying in vain to get through to someone in repair at the cable company, but in an effort to cut out the hassle of the middleman thought it would be easier to just drop it off at the local cable office. This is what happened when she did just that:

JC: "Hi! I'm dropping off this cable box for repair."

Receptionist: "What's wrong with it?"

JC: "I'm not sure what's wrong with it, but it hasn't worked in 2 months. This is the first chance I've had to bring it in."

Receptionist: "Did you try calling customer service about this problem 2 months ago, and every day after?"

JC: "Two months ago and EVERY. DAY. AFTER.?"

Receptionist: (refusing to acknowledge the absurdity of such a question) "Yes."

...and just so YOU know, "all you could do" apparently wasn't good enough

Why? Why would you have felt the need to say this? Why, I ask you? We're not in the habit of counting wings, but when you actually say something like this to us, you give us no choice. The ones that remained ended up in the trash.

Pizza & wings delivery guy: "Just so you know, these smelled so good to me, that on my way over it was all I could do to keep my hands out of there."

We hope you enjoyed the wings, you douche.

Candid expression is just one of the many reasons we have been friends for over 20 years

Me: "Your sister is how many years younger than us? Four?"

Stacey: "Only two!"

Me: "After all this time of knowing your family, her age still surprises me. She's always seemed so much older than us, in that her humor is... well, her personality is less.... I mean, she's just so..."

Stacey: "I believe the word you're looking for is: boring."

You can't beat this meat!

Go on, say it. I know you're dying to. Alright, I'll say it for you:

"That's what she said."

There, feel better? I know I do. It's difficult for me to think clearly right now, let alone type. I'm preoccupied with how much time I have left before they cart me off to meat detox (Meat-tox? Meat-hab?), because after our party of 9 ate HERE for dinner tonight, I figure that it's only a matter of time.

While I'm waiting for them to take me away, I am enjoying my favorite--and very timely--Pink Martini song, Brazil.


Try not to shake your ass to this song, I dare you. Be sure to use caution if you just ate your weight in delicious Brazilian-cooked meat.

One of my Favorite Things can actually be yours, and you should order it today!

Mark Ovenden's Transit Maps of the World; the one thing in this photo I really, really want to share with you; though I expect you to buy your own copy.

My new favorite person is Mark Ovenden, the brilliant mastermind behind my new favorite book, Transit Maps of the World. His book probably sounds familiar to you because I wrote about it HERE, HERE and HERE.

I received the copies I ordered (for myself and for holiday gifts) last week, and it totally exceeded my expectations. The graphic design elements of the book and the maps therein really highlight the actual artistry of cartography. It is an excellent gift idea for anyone-- from your parents who like to travel, to your artsy designer friends, to your brother the engineer, your best friend the environmental activist (who for years has lectured everyone in earshot that if people who had access to mass transit used it--instead of using their own vehicles--the planet would be better off) and even your impossible-to-buy-for Uncle, the model train enthusiast. It's a truly fascinating and unique buy, even if it's for yourself.

Trust me, if I were to let you hold my copy in your hands you'd want to take it home with you, and maybe even make out with it a little. Or is that just me? Okay, maybe that's just me:


Yes, that REALLY is my Amazon.com review. REALLY.


At minimum, you'll want your own copy, so buy it today through Amazon and help my new favorite person boost his book up towards the New York Times Bestsellers list. For more information, read this e-mail I just got from him:

Transit Maps of the World has today been mentioned in THIS New York Times book review, in a article by William Grimes called “From the Glove Compartment to the Shelf".

I’m writing to ask you a huge favor: In order to get into the “New York Times Bestsellers Paperback Non-Fiction” chart a book has to reach at least around #140 in overall sales on Amazon.com, on any one day! If lots of people log on to Amazon today and buy a copy then there’s a chance we could get into that bestsellers list! Being able to claim that one of your works has been a “New York Times Bestseller” is a huge honor and as you might imagine, a tremendous boost for any author.

Therefore if you were even remotely considering buying a copy online at any time...TODAY’S THE DAY! If at all possible do order one today as it could make the most enormous difference to the future for my writing work, not to mention further elevate interest in the recent debate about the New York Subway map, and transit and cartography in general!

Sorry to trouble you during the holiday period, but we freelance authors need to be shameless self-promoters!

Drool.

If you order a copy from Amazon today and help my new favorite person, I'll make out with you! (Just kidding--unless you're Jeremy Piven, Javier Bardem, Antonio Banderas, or Olivier Martinez--and if that's the case then you should already know by now that book is not required). However, when the book arrives at your door from Amazon, it's all yours, if you know what I'm sayin', and I think you do.

Click HERE to order!

Pumpkin 3.14159265358979323846...

I was never very good at math until 10th grade, when I started getting A's. It was quite a turnaround from the previous year, one that would forever be remembered smartly as 'The year I got an F in math class'. When my math scores bounced from an F to straight A's, my parents attributed my 180-degree improvement to my newfound dedication to studying, homework, preparation. All of which I did with a smile.

The real motivation behind my top scores? I had a big crush on someone in that class. We had assigned seats and I was the one whose desk was squarely in front of his, and knowing that we'd be face-to-face every single day meant that I put as much work into my math drills as I did my crimped hair. A LOT. Certainly I earned each good mark with the studying, homework and preparation that my parents credited, but the impetus behind all of that work was the biggest cliché ever:

I was a hot for teacher (along with every other girl who took his class).

In honor of Thanksgiving, this glorious Pumpkin "Pi" goes out to him, my 10th grade math teacher; Mr. Hottyman (not his real name, but close enough):


That mathematical constant looks delicious!

Instructions to make your own "Pi" HERE.

One way or another, I'm gonna find ya. I'm gonna getcha, getcha, getcha, getcha.

Last night, Deborah Harry's tour bus. It was a glorious shade of Blond, I kid you not. Unfortunately a camera phone doesn't do much on a rainy night besides take sucky photos with an all-over green-ish color, so I had to pretty them up in Photoshop.



Here's a very blurry Chris Botti (!) (purrrrr), with a very blurry birthday girl! Happy birthday, J.J.! Hope your boyfriend gets you a new camera phone!

I'll take my Favorite Things over Oprah's any day; also see: anytime, anyplace.

My parents have completed most of their drive north from Tennessee to Chicago, putting them 3 short hours away from the non-virtual House of Jules; where they'll be staying for the next 5 days. It's already 10pm and I have yet to do some very key things before they arrive.

For instance, I need to make it look like I could eat off my kitchen floor if I wanted to, and not so much like I actually DO. You understand.

On that note, here is today's shorter-than-usual-but-hopefully-still-entertaining post. I was prompted by a comment made on yesterday's post by Stacey, (Thanks, Nurse-Dr. Stace!) and then my reaction to it; in addition to the fact that today Oprah aired her annual "Favorite Things" show:

Stacey: I'm picturing Oprah's couch when your blog lands you on her show. Javier Bardem, Pivs, Baio, Macchio, Mike Rowe. It's only a matter of time, so I totally call the chick-she-talks-to-in-the-front-row seat... you've gotta call shotgun quick around here.

Me: Funny you should write that, because with the addition of Antonio Banderas and Olivier Martinez, it’s exactly how I picture MY OWN couch looking one day! Just me and my “Favorite Things”.

My Favorite Things, based on what I've both written about and drooled over; be it in public or in private. (counterclockwise, on my actual brand new living room furniture--though not my actual living room): Mark Ovenden's Transit Maps of the World (Filled with ALL the transit maps of! the! world! THE WORLD, I say! Take a minute to think about how cool that is and you might be surprised to find yourself drooling), Olivier Martinez, Javier Bardem, Ralph Macchio, Jeremy Piven, Scott Baio, Dirty Job's Mike Rowe, and finally, splaying himself out on the ottoman like a Beefcake-Buffet: Antonio Banderas. The thing about a Banderas Buffet? He's so hot there's no need for a warming tray. Rawrr!

Kinda like when Britney Spears kissed Madonna, but without the tongues...

...and hopefully without all that spandex & lace

Lately it's been very exciting around here at the House of Jules because in each of the last 4 weeks, I've had some really fun things happen as a direct result of this blog. The most recent thing is that H.o.J. was chosen as the featured "Wander of the Week" from the Taj Wanders website. I'm very honored to be her "Wander of the Week"! Now the pressure is really on for me to be an entertaining host... I have a rep to protect!

Click the image below to enlarge/read her write-up:


A virtual PDA! Swoon!

Thanks to all of you for coming back here to read, comment and keep me company! Keep telling all of your friends to join us. Lurkers, de-lurk yourselves! Let's continue our rolling dialogue, and remember this: Mi casa is always su casa.

The previous very-exciting-H.o.J. experiences (in case you missed them!):
1) My in-depth & soul-revealing interview with infamous blogger MANIC!
2) My email of appreciation from a best-selling author!
3) My cautionary tale got picked to be on a special Halloween website

Big ups to reader Dawn for letting me know about Taj's website!

What it means, my good friend, is that we are not alone!

Back in April, I posted about the Scott Baio dreams I've had. Yes, you read that right. I just wrote that I have had dreams (plural!) about Scott Baio. Give yourself a moment to take that in. I'll wait.

So, tonight I got this email from my very good friend Em:

---
I just ran across my journals from 1989/90, the year I was in Norway. I had to email you when I read my own words from August 9, 1989:

"Very relaxing day today. Got up around 10:30. I was dreaming about Scott Baio, for some reason..."

Weird, huh? I tried to find the post you had written about your Scott Baio dreams, thinking how FREAKY it would have been had we been visited by him on the same night in August. But I couldn't find it.

Jules, what does it all mean????
---

It means that we can't possibly be the only ones, Em! There's no way these Scott Baio dreams are isolated incidences, and I encourage those of you who have also spent some of your sleeping hours with him-- as Chachi, Charles in Charge, or himself-- to open up here in the comments. We can form some kind of wacky dream support group, you know, do precisely the kind of thing that Al Gore envisioned when he invented the internet.


I can only hope that tonight I'll be sucking face with The Fonz, after which he will surely say, "Ayyyyyyy!".


As a show of solidarity, here is a hotlink to the original post of my Scott Baio dreams: click here. May it inspire you to leave a comment with details from your own Scott Baio dream!

Charles in Charge of my days and my nights... and probably yours too.

There IS a bitch in this story, but it certainly isn't the dog!

See this adorable and depressed-looking dog? Not the bitch in this story.


I know the following headline will have lots of you chuckling (especially you married guys, because things are much funnier when you can actually relate to them directly, right?); but after that initial laugh? You're going to think, "Whaaaa?" and "Whooo?" and "Nahhhh!" and "Whyyyyy?" and Dude!" and then, finally; "OH-MY-GAWD-THAT-POOR-DOG-SOMEONE-SHOULD-DO-SOMETHING-LIKE-CALL-MCGRUFF!"

Man 'marries' bitch to beat curse
An Indian man has "married" a female dog, hoping the move will help atone for stoning two other dogs to death. P Selvakumar, 33, said he had been cursed since the killings, suffering paralysis and a loss of hearing.

The wedding took place at a Hindu temple in Tamil Nadu state. The "bride" wore an orange sari with a flower garland and was fed a bun to celebrate. Superstitious people in rural India sometimes organize weddings to animals in the hope of warding off curses. Crowds cheered the newly-weds at the end of the ceremony in Sivaganga district, about 50km (30 miles) east of the city of Madurai. The "bride", who is called Selvi, was led to the temple in Manamudurai wearing a sari before vows were exchanged in a traditional Hindu ceremony.

A relative of the groom who attended the wedding said he hoped Mr Selvakumar would now be cured. "Fifteen years back Selvakumar was physically fit. But, once he attacked a pair of dogs and thereafter Kumar could not move his limbs freely," the relative, Ramu, told the BBC. "He tried every cure for his ailment but could not be rid of his disability.

"On the advice of an astrologer and others, he decided to marry a bitch to get cured. Then we arranged Selvakumar's marriage with a bitch."

Hold up, let me get this straight. He married a dog to cure himself of physical problems that came on over the course of 15 years after he STONED 2 other dogs to death; And he was advised to marry the dog by an astrologer (is this where people go for advice these days)?

This story is wrong on so many levels that I feel the need to tell this bitch guy off in the best way I know how!


Source

Michael K. has PhD in Snarkology

With headlines and captions like the following, Michael K. of my favorite entertainment website D-listed continues his snark-with-a-smile hold on me.


The 'dead cat' caption is a running theme on what Michael thinks Travolta's front hairpiece is made of, but the real comedy gold is that headline: Oldback Mountain!

Cobra Kai never die! Do you have a problem with that?

Remember those Cobra Kai D-bags from The Karate Kid? Well, they're back and they actually have a sense of humor about themselves!


Cobra Kai never die, they just go on to make hilarious spoof videos!


Thanks to No More Kings, for their excellent video, "Sweep the Leg Johnny". You'll note that the the original cast of Cobra Kai star in it (the body bag guy is STILL! CREEPY!) and there is a VERY SPECIAL GUEST at the end...

"Get him a body bag, Johnny, YEAH!"



A refresher course: the original scene from the movie that they expertly recreated in the video

Fun with alliteration: Reading, (W)riting, and 'rithmatic Remembering Ruby

There is a write-up on my sister's book, Remembering Ruby: For Families Living Beyond the Loss of a Pet, in today's newspaper, and my design work even scored a mention! Click on the image to see it up close and personal:


She's ready for her close-up, Mr. DeMille.

If you haven't already purchased a copy (or 10), here's your friendly reminder that it will make a great holiday gift for everyone on your list! Just click on the direct link to her Amazon.com page in the right column of my blog (just scroll down a little bit... you can't miss it)!

To read more on the book, click here.

Lead-based paint good for something: killing irreverent humor, also "the mood".

Utah, I didn't know you had it in you! Who knew that you could have your mind in the gutter like the rest of the states? This makes me really like you, Utah; and you should definitely call me.


The anchor on the left has the best unintentional innuendo ever: "There's nothing to see, nothing to see!" to which I'm sure the anchor on the right wants to say, "Oh hell yes, there is."

If newscasts were always this entertaining, maybe my generation would actually bother to watch on a nightly basis. You hear that, Katie Couric?

Jones Soda: Spreading holiday cheer through religious beverage equality

A couple of years ago, I read about the Jones Soda Company's special Thanksgiving 5-pack, consisting of turkey & gravy soda, cranberry soda, green bean casserole soda, mashed potato & butter soda, and fruitcake soda when they were selling for big money on E-bay. Yes, you read those flavors correctly.

This year they've topped themselves with 2 new holiday packs: Christmas & Hanukkah.

This Season Celebrate Christmukkah with Jones Soda!
The Holiday Season is once again upon us and this year the folks here at Jones Soda have decided to celebrate a little differently. Instead of our traditional Turkey and Gravy, we have created two packs for your holiday enjoyment. Introducing, the 2007 Christmas Pack and Chanukah Pack. This season, whether you are decking the halls, lighting the menorah or celebrating Chrismakkuh by spinning the dreidel under the Christmas tree, there is a Jones Soda flavor for you!


Christmas pack flavors: Christmas Ham Soda, Christmas Tree Soda, Egg Nog Soda and Sugar Plum Soda


Hanukkah pack flavors: Latke Soda, Apple Sauce Soda, Chocolate Coins Soda and Jelly Doughnut Soda

It seems the only holiday flavor pairing they left out is a non-denominational one:

Get yourself a 4-pack of Jack & Coke, and you can enjoy the original holiday fun-pack!


Source

Because you'll never get what you don't ask for

I learned at a very young age that you'll never get what you don't ask for. That doesn't imply that you always get everything, but you have a far greater chance at getting something by speaking up than by silently wishing for it. Take that knowledge along with a sense of humor, and you have the tools you need to live a good life, trust me.

Case in point: there is a certain someone who is in New York City right now, today, going out of his way to do something very special for me before he jets back home to Paris. He is a VIP and easily has many more important things he could be doing with his time, things that make him money and bring him more fame; but he's a genuinely good person with a sense of humor; who has been in cahoots with me from the moment I hatched another one of my crazy plans.

You know my crazy plans, don't you? The ones in which I attempt to bend space and time and break every rule of gravity and all human expectation to get something somewhere on the tightest of deadlines; and they never, ever go smoothly, but they almost always have a positive end result? Yes, those are the plans of which I speak.

Because of Mr. X's willingness to go above and beyond, it might actually work out today. That is, if the United States Post Office can play nice. Fingers crossed. If all goes well, I'll have the full details early next week, and it's easily one of my favorite life experiences to date.


Thanks again to Mr. X, who made me spill orange juice all over myself this morning because of his hilarious email.

Public Service Announcement: Rhythm is a dancer, but revenge is a bitch.

Ahhh, college kids today have it way too easy. They just have no idea the kinds of things we had to do back in the day (the 90's!) to get revenge on offensive neighbors. I mean, we had to really formulate a plan, be smart about it, you know? Think. Discuss. Experiment. THEN retaliate. There were late-night meetings involved at secret locations under the cover of darkness...

These days all you'd have to do to get back at an offensive neighbor would be to buy this CD:

The Revenge CD is a great way to get back at those noisy neighbors! Earplugs supplied for your listening pleasure.

Tracks include: Drill; Party (At Least 200 People); Train; Drum (Played by a Child); Inhuman Screams; Walking (High Heels); Domestic Squabble; Doors Banging; Bowling; Unhappy Dog; Practicing Scales (Violin); Traffic Jam; Garbage Truck; Phone Ringing; Ball Game; Pigeons; Spring Cleaning

This CD is of the "Give them a taste of their own medicine!" philosophy; and that is exactly why it's flawed. It's just too easy. Most of the sounds on this CD are likely what the purchaser is looking to retaliate against (and therefore probably won't offend the offenders); and the others are just weak! Pigeons? Spring cleaning? Please! I'm surprised their isn't a track called, "Blinking".

My floormates and I came up with a simple & effective fix we used during finals week in college when some inconsiderate jerks lived one floor up from us. We weren't bookworms by any stretch of the imagination, but there comes a point when it's just time to either study quietly or sleep. It was, after all, finals week-- and after an entire semester of blowing off classes, we had a lot of cramming to do.

After 3 nights of listening to them party with what must have been an entire troupe of Cirque de Soleil performers, we'd had enough and decided to pull out the big guns. We gathered our books together, put the below song on repeat, at the highest volume possible with the bass booming; locked our door and headed to the library for 6 hours.

You might listen to this song and think, "Hey, I used to love that one! It's not so bad!" but just imagine being subject to it over and over, hundreds of times, for 6 hours. Water torture would be a more attractive option, trust me. When we got back to our rooms, there was an apology note on each of our doors, and we never had trouble with them again.


Rhythm is a dancer, indeed. Revenge however, is a bitch.

You are Not Forgotten

Today I wanted to post a huge thank you to all Veterans; with much love and respect to each of you; but especially:

Dad
Willy Springer
Mike Pinksaw
Jim Leigh
Jim Carolyn
Dave Minto
Ron Clough
...and all the other top notch men of the 60th LCC Jungle Eaters; US Army.

Michael Kopaczewski, 1st Cavalry; US Army

James Wells, USS Theodore Roosevelt; US Navy

****I'm grateful for your sacrifices, and it is in your honor that I continue to adopt soldiers who are forging ahead in your tradition of excellence and bravery. You're all my heroes.****

If anyone is interested in adopting a soldier, you can find a number of websites through a simple internet search. The below hotlink is the one I have used to adopt no less than 30 soldiers over the past 4 years, and the one I still use today. The process is extremely straight-forward. The soldiers really just ask for basic things that we take for granted every day; like socks, soap, razors, deodorant, sunscreen...and pretty much anything at all you'd like to send them. It's a great thing for school teachers or scout leaders to involve kids in, as well.

I've found that what the soldiers crave and appreciate the most is a reminder that they haven't been forgotten; and the kindness of a stranger like you will work wonders for every one of them. What will end up surprising you the most is how much it does for YOU...

Click here: Operation AC: Adopt-A-Soldier



Thanks Dad!

My mom has been unknowingly training for a contest like this her entire life; would have smoked the competition

For her, the chocolate would have been prize enough.

Chocolate-covered Jeep contest licked
Seven sweet toothed consumers created a scene when they licked their way through more than 700 pounds of chocolate in the "Sweetest Day the Jeep Way" challenge in Cleveland.

After licking her way through a chocolate-covered Jeep grill and searching through more than 45,000 pieces of wrapped candy, Anne Gemkow of Chicago tasted victory, winning an all-new 2008 Jeep Liberty 4x4 with Sky Slider™ roof. "I never thought my sweet tooth would actually come in handy," said Gemkow.

Gemkow stuck it out and drove home with a new Jeep and probably a sore tongue.

Probably? Probably a sore tongue? Good reporting, Associated Press!



Oh, this guy is NOT messing around. He must be thinking about how sore his tongue will be later... you know, probably.


source

You haven't been truly entertained until you've seen a GLADIATOR do 'jazz hands'

In honor of yesterday's groundbreakingly personal and in-depth interview by MANIC on everyone's favorite subject (me!), I dedicate the below clip of Robot Chicken's comedic genius to MANIC, in appreciation for making my first may-jah (I'm practicing my British accent) interview a positive experience.

By the way, my agent is currently fielding calls from the likes of Barbara Walters and Oprah, but I think my next move will have to be Larry King Live. Hopefully Babs & Oprah won't take it to heart... this decision isn't personal, it's actually scientifically-based. I want to test the myth that if you snap Larry King's suspenders, he turns into a pile of dust.

On to Robot Chicken's Gladiator. If this clip is the first you've seen or heard of Robot Chicken, I have one single, sad tear rolling down my cheek for you. Any more than that, and I'm just wasting tears:

"Are you not entertained now?"

If you missed reading my interview, click here.

Fame becomes me. It really, really does!

Due to public demand, the infamous blogger, MANIC requested an interview with me. I'm today's featured "Most Brilliant Blogger" on her website. Well, no, she doesn't exactly SAY that I'm the most brilliant blogger, but she didn't have to say it with her mouth. She said it with her eyes.

Check it out, and be amazed, by clicking here:
My interview with MANIC!


PS: Hello & welcome to all the faithful readers of MANIC (and all others who have stumbled onto my blog through random google searches and by word-of-mouth)! Come back soon. I'm blogging every day this month for NaBloPoMoFoSho so there will be plenty to read over here.

The second graders got hired as soon as management found out they wanted to be paid in cookies.

When I was in 2nd grade, the teacher wrote a letter on the chalkboard that we were supposed to write on our wide-ruled paper, in an effort to practice our handwriting. It was a letter to our parents about the upcoming school open house, and went something like this:

Dear Mom and Dad,
Our school is having an open house on Thursday.
My teacher Miss Black hopes you can make it.

Love,
Your Name Here

I had been so entirely focused on getting each consonant and vowel correct--duplicating the teacher's generic chalkboard letter in my own shaky and new handwriting--that it wasn't until I heard my parents read it out loud at the dinner table that I realized I was supposed to write MY ACTUAL NAME where the teacher had simply put "Your Name Here".


Sadly, the teacher didn't give extra points for my laser-like focus and dedicated concentration.


In that sense I can very much understand how something like the following news story might happen. That is, if Wal-Mart is in the habit of staffing their bakery department with 2nd graders.

Our office had a going away party for a woman that is leaving. One of the supervisors called Wal-mart and ordered the cake.

He told them to write: “Best Wishes Suzanne” and underneath that write, “We will miss you”.

Here’s the cake that was delivered:

"Under Neat that"!


newsource

He doesn't know who you are, Jeremy Piven; and he doesn't like where you're standing very much, either!

Dear Jeremy aka Pivs aka J.P.,
I have some good news and some bad news for you.

In September, my future baby-daddy Todd (McMuffin) & I got back in contact after 20 years of lost touch and because Linda Ronstadt sang a chart-topping, terribly cheesy sweet duet called "Somewhere Out There" in an animated movie about a lost Russian mouse who was trying desperately to find his loved ones, we came to the conclusion that one day we'll have a kid together and name him after the singer Peabo Bryson (which was initially because I thought Peabo was the man dueting with Linda, but I was wrong-- he sang "Tonight I celebrate my Love for You, which actually is just as offensive touching).

I know this might not be making sense, but it'll help if you comprehend the bomb I'm about to drop if you read two short posts, serving as background information. First, click to read: McMuffin 1, then click McMuffin 2.


Now that you know the history, I'm going to break the news to you. Prepare yourself. Maybe take a 10-count deep breath. In through the nose, out through the mouth. Here we go:

The bad news: My future baby-daddy McMuffin found out about us and has e-mailed me his feelings on the subject.

The good news: He has NO IDEA who you are...




Because I realize the male ego is a fragile thing, I know you're probably thinking, "He doesn't know who I am? This is not good news!". However, it is my hope that you choose not to obsess over the fact that you have a lengthy resume in stage, television and motion pictures; including your starring role on Entourage, one of the most successful HBO series of all time (not to mention the collection of Emmys you're currently using as bathroom doorstops throughout your Malibu beach house), and yet, McMuffin was only one of the handful of people who didn't recognize you in the photo(shopped picture) of us.

It's kind of astounding just how many people can't place your name when they ask me who you are, and then when I start firing off everything you've starred in, roles you were seemingly meant to play, these people just shake their heads and have no recollection whatsoever. Nothing you've been in jogs their collective memories. Your face doesn't even remind them of an old college roommate or some random guy they talked to at a bar once.

I know who you are, though, and that's all that matters. Now get over here so we can Hug It Out.

Love, Jules

One Singular Sensation, every little step she takes

On our most-fun night in NYC. Well, that's not fair. They're all our most fun nights in NYC.



A Chorus Line

Happy Birthday to my sista, Missy! Here is a little photo post for you...


Back in the day, otherwise known as the 70's. We feel the need, the need for speed!


You're such a good sport! Remember that time we were all on vacation and I volunteered you & Jim for that oceanic stage show-thing... and you had to put on stinky rubber outfits that a million people before you had already worn?

I didn't know what I was getting you guys into, but I was just glad that it wasn't me.


Then do you remember getting drenched in water that could have been carrying malaria or some other terrible illness? Wasn't that great?

Thanks for not killing me after this. The boys thought for sure I was Done. Over. Gone.



Let's forget all of that and remember the moments when you didn't have to get wet....

This is not so much our home away from home, it's our actual home. Ok, it's not, but why don't you make that your birthday wish, ok? I'd move back to NYC in a heartbeat...



Our favorite NYC early morning dinner. Let's not call it breakfast.



I wish we were still sitting at this table.


Here's proof of that night we sat in traffic for 3 hours to then wait in line for an hour to nearly not be let into the book store that was hosting David Sedaris and then to have to sit in another room from where he did the book reading, only listening to his voice over the P.A. system, while sitting on the floor in strangers laps (practically!) and then afterwards standing in line for no less than 4 hours to get our books signed? And when we finally got up to him, how he was out of the aspirin tablets he was offering people but we loved him just the same? And how you had by that time felt too exhausted to be starstruck, which was great because you didn't say 'I don't like cats' to him like you did the first time we met him? I wouldn't have done that with anyone but you.

Still in line before David's (we're on a first name basis) reading, little did we know just how much time we'd spend waiting that day, just to bow at the throne of Amy's brother


This has been a big year for you! With the release of your first book, you're now that published author you always dreamed to be. You're out there, defying gravity... and we're all so proud of you!

This is not to imply that you get around by broom.


Today for you, tomorrow for me! Well, not really that last part. But definitely, TODAY FOR YOU!

Rent!


You're the best sister ever. Happy, happy birthday! You really are One. Singular. Sensation!

MTV & VH1 should consider this my contestant application

As a kid I was a crazy fanatic of the game show, Name That Tune, and it always upset me that they never had young contestants. I am sure that show is a part of the reason that I became such a sponge for all types of music at a young age--because I wanted to beat the adults that actually got on the show-- and that love for music has continued through adulthood, along with the desire to kick ass on a show that was unfortunately cancelled 20 years ago.

Yesterday I was working on photo edits of 2 recent shoots, while listening for the first time to Raising Sand, the new Robert Plant/Alison Krauss work of art (produced by the legendary T-Bone Burnett) on my iTunes, when the first couple notes of the next song start up and I thought, "hmm, this one is oddly Maroon 5-ish".

Then, I clicked over to look at iTunes and realized that I had already finished listening to Raising Sand, and the song playing was in fact from the new Maroon 5 album! It seems that I can still Name That Tune in 2 notes, even when I think I'm listening to another band altogether, and that's good news because it looks like MTV/VH1 might be making YET ANOTHER one of my dreams come true:

MTV to play 'Name' game
In an unprecedented move, MTV Networks is developing a new take on "Name that Tune" that will play across its three music-centric cablers: MTV, VH1 and CMT. Basic format of the musical quizzer will remain the same across the MTV universe, but each net will produce original episodes modified to match the musical tastes of its respective target audience. That means MTV viewers will see contestants trying to identify tunes by T-Pain or Timbaland, while players on the CMT: Country Music Television version might attempt to guess a song by Shania Twain or Carrie Underwood.

"The play-along element of the show was so strong that it has to remain the same," said Graden. "There's something about hearing a melody and that great rush you get when you know what the song is."

newsource

Just as legitimate as a man in a 'Bikini Inspector' t-shirt

Why is it that I seem to find 5 things I'd love to buy for myself for every ONE thing I find for my family and friends? I don't indulge myself that often, especially when the objective is a gift for someone else, but when I came across this T-shirt on the NYFD (New York Fire Fighters) website I was very tempted. What do you think? Too obvious?


I can be just like Tommy Lee Jones, except without all that violence and yelling and eventual incarceration of the hunted.

Day Man, fighter of the Night Man, Champion of the sun! You're a master of karate and friendship for everyone!

Sometime in 2005, my good friends Sue ("Scooter" to me!) & Todd insisted I watch FX's Thursday night show, 'It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia'. They've never steered me wrong, so I made sure to catch the very next episode. By that time I was only able to see a few from the first season but it was so absurdly funny that I'm anxiously awaiting seasons 1 & 2 from Netflix so I can officially catch up.

FX is currently airing season 3, and I really wish I had been religious about watching it from the beginning because it has to be the funniest show on TV right now. The writing will offend everyone, and in my mind that is a good thing. Anything that can make you think and make you laugh at the same time usually creates a dialogue, and what's better than a good conversation... besides this show?!

If you're still skeptical, watch this unbelievable clip--possibly the funniest 2 minutes on TV this season--which had me in tears (the good kind):


"Day Man, uh-ah-ahh! Fighter of the Night Man, uh-ah-ahh! Champion of the sun! You're a master of karate and friendship for everyone!"


I suspect their song delivery might have been inspired by (and rightly so) this classic Queen performance:


Freddy Mercury's version of this particular song paved the way for massively epic hits like "Day Man". What a legacy.


If all of that STILL hasn't piqued your interest (what's it gonna take?), it should be noted that Danny DeVito stars in the show, and that adorable little limoncello-loving bundle of fun should be reason enough for you to tune in:


In a move of marketing genius, he later capitalized on this drunken appearance and created his own limoncello.


'It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia' airs Thursday nights at 10 (Eastern) on FX.

I have big plans to Blo the Po out of this Mo!

I am now a member of NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month) which means that I committed to blog EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. IN. NOVEMBER. This is going to be a real test for my ability to be entertaining 30 days in a row.

I have no idea what happens if I miss a day but I assume that they go into the future and steal my first born child, and then I'd be forced to scream something like "NaBloPoMo STOLE MY BABY" in an Australian accent like Meryl Streep & that baby-stealing dingo in "A Cry in the Dark".

I'm not that great at pulling off accents though, so I'd sound more like Elaine on Seinfeld:

The dingo ATE. YOUR. BAY-BEE!


Keep coming back daily to see how this all turns out, and be sure to leave comments! My future children are depending on it.