Or Somefin' or Nofin'

When I read this ridiculous blurb from People.com yesterday:


I immediately thought of one of my favorite Little Britain characters:

Little Britain's Matt Lucas as Vicky Pollard

I can't think of anything that describes Jon + Kate's need to keep going public with their drama better than, "Yeah, but no, but yeah, but no, but yeah....or somefin', or nofin'."

No visible scars, but the emotional scars? Even worse than you can imagine.

I'm all for medical progress. So much, in fact, that I'm a House M.D. fanatic not only because Hugh Laurie's blue-eyed biting wit can hold my attention for an entire 8-hour show marathon (over the course of one weekend, but still), in addition to the weekly show, but also because I'm convinced that one day I'll be able to diagnose myself or someone else with a rare (or totally obvious) disease that none of the experts thought to check for.

I'm getting entertained AND educated, or something.

I made the mistake of saying (as a JOKE) "But, I'm a House junkie, too! I'm practically in med school!" to my friend J., in response to him questioning my superior knowledge of reality TV show cast members. Since then he gives me a hard time about it by calling after the show airs to ask, "So, how was class?", and then wants to know all about whatever horrible ailment Gregory House and his crack team diagnosed in a nice little package just before the credits roll.

Where was I? Ahh, yes. Medical progress. When I saw the headline in my feed reader of the news article below, my immediate reaction was nervous laughter. I thought, Go on! Click on it. It can't be that awful. Little did I know that in reading just the amount of story shown below, it would go from bad to worse to horrifying to actually dry heaving at the mental image.

I'm not about to tell you how to do something, but let me suggest that for at least a beat longer than you normally would, linger on the chilling headline alone. Let it settle into the recesses of your brain before moving on to the REST of the gag-inducing blurb:


That's as valid a concern as any, Mr. Pagliuca!

I know there are already procedures done through belly buttons, so no need to point that out. Somehow having an organ pulled from my torso out of my mouth seems a little more, I don't know, disgusting?! After posting this, I'm heading out for a little drive with my windows down, my sunroof open and some loud music to take my mind off of it. Again, medical progress=good. Mental imagery=bad.

Thanks for bringing this story to light and see you in my nightmares, Rob Stein!

Source

Speaking of pie...

The following story was on People.com 2 weeks ago. TWO WEEKS AGO! I hadn't figured out the best time to fit it in around here, because you know, I can be an over-thinker, and I put some effort into the timing of my posts. This means that sometimes entertaining stories never get posted because the freshness of the story is it too far gone for it to even make any sense. Kind of like this rambling intro.

Getting to my point: I didn't even know about my favorite pie thief's new book until 5 days ago. Since then, I've smiled each time the thought re-occurred to me that I'd finally be able to fit this 2-week old news story into the lineup around here.

What I'm saying is this: comedic timing, my friends, is everything...


Nine years after Eugene-Levy-caught-them-in-the-dirty-deed, Jason Biggs will finally make an honest pie out of her.



Just kidding, I'm only having some fun with the headlines again. Click HERE if you care about seeing his fiance's actual face.

That's the last time THESE two party together!

I have a hunch that just before the injury, Ms. Temple was heard yelling, "Lindsay, stop ordering me around... and put down that claw-cracker! How many times do I have to say I'M NOT A LOBSTER, you idiot!"

Meanwhile, somewhere in Hollywood, Rebecca De Mornay is getting felt up by painted ladies*

Tom Cruise did a great job convincing everyone he was batsh*t crazy after jumping on Oprah's couch in 2005, and I was among those taking bets on what his comedown would be like. After Suri was born, I did the calculations (counting backwards on my fingers), and it's possible that he was amped because he just found out Katie was knocked up, which they had to keep secret. Even though he was on Oprah 10 months earlier, it's still possible. Right? What does anyone do when they have to keep an exciting secret to themselves? Jump on Oprah's couch and act insane enough to scare a worldwide audience of millions, duh! Anyway, it looks like he's going back on her show in May to celebrate the 25 year anniversary of Risky Business.




I hastily (because time is money as Lana would probably say) threw together this photoshop collage to show my prediction of what his upcoming appearance will look like. I can only hope that during the actual show, Bob Seger will be singing "Old Time Rock 'n Roll" from the side of the stage:


Don't try to take him to a disco, indeed.

...

*The headline of this post might be funny (or not!), but it's no joke. See?


Oh Becky, there really is no excuse for this.

The "King in the Castle Courtroom" dodges another lawsuit bullet! High-five!

Click to enlarge.

Click HERE to read the New York Times article.

If I had a dollar for every time I was "randomly accosted and touched" when I lived in New York City--or here in Chicago, for that matter-- I'd be loaded...and I mean that in the financial, not the inebriated sense! A short ride on the subway during rush hour will guarantee a very specific kind of physical intimacy with strangers that in nearly any other time and place would be wholly inappropriate unless you had dinner together first. I have stories for days of the many strange and personal-space-violating experiences on the subway: like the time that a seemingly-blind panhandler was feeling her way through the crowded N train, and then tried to feel her way through my purse. I yanked it back, and she screamed "B**CH!!!!" in my ear for awhile. When someone else helped her to move along, she sweetly sung, "You smell good!" as she stroked my hair. Maybe a better illustration of special city closeness would be the time a Wall Street-type squeezed himself into the already sardine-packed E train and since he couldn't reach a pole or overhead bar to hang on to, he just grabbed me around the waist until he could maneuver himself towards something made of metal that was actually bolted into the floor. Seriously.

When my sister & I saw Borat, we were disgusted and horrified by the vulgarity of the "humor"... which of course means that we loved it. Sure, when it was over I turned to her and said, "Any innocence I had before this movie began is now gone, and I am forever scarred from this disturbing experience" but I said it in between bursts of laughing so hard I was crying. The very next night she took my brother-in-law to see it, though his opinion was a bit different than ours (we're used to that). 

I ended up buying Borat when it came out on DVD and had even more fun watching it with Charissa, who had yet to see it. Her reactions were priceless and could have been a spin-off slapstick comedy on their own merits. Mostly it was her saying, "This is so wrong!". Good times!

My point here is that not everyone thinks movies like this are funny, and not everyone agrees with the judge's ruling to dismiss this case (or any of the other eleventy-hundred that have been brought against the producers of the movie); but what was funny to ME about that 13-second scene this recent dismissed case involved was that the guy started running erratically down the sidewalk at top speed when Borat reached out to touch him. It was a totally unexpected reaction for the most part, unlike anything I've ever seen, which is exactly why I had such an appreciation for the entire movie. Stranger things happen to me (and I have seen stranger things happen to other people) than just random touching, and the reactions I've had (or have seen people have) never involved bobbing and weaving through the crowd. A punch in the face, maybe, but for the most part people just keep right on-a walking, which is one of the many reasons I love big, crowded cities. Absurd things happen all of the time, even when you're keeping your hands to yourself.

I couldn't find the sidewalk scene on YouTube, but this video has a bunch of other (what I think are) funny clips from the movie. Probably not something you should watch at work because if his accent doesn't get people's attention, your laughter (or gasps of horror, depending on your reaction) will:


Maybe because our dad has been running hotels for his entire professional career and we spent A LOT of time in them as kids, one of the scenes in this clip-fest that made my sister & I laugh the hardest (which starts 18 seconds from the beginning) is when Borat checks into a hotel, takes an elevator for the first time, gets in his crappy room and is so impressed with the fact that it has furniture in it that he sits down and says, "Wa Wa Wee Wah! King in the castle, King in the castle! I have a chair!"

Now this is a tour I'd take any day of the week!

People (or, more specifically, the straight guys I hang out with who have to find something wrong with the men their lady-friends swoon over) make such a big deal about David Beckham having a less than manly voice. To that I say the octave of his voice doesn't bother me at all, because I'm too busy drooling over his looks to hear any of the crap that comes out of his mouth.


If you want to torture yourself by attempting to take the tour by licking your screen, I'm certainly not gonna judge you; but don't torture yourself trying to watch the video by clicking on this photo. See link below. You know, after you're done licking your screen.

Undeniably great-looking soccer star David Beckham, on the subject of his 15 body tattoos: "I think everybody's got a way of expressing their feelings, and mine is through my tattoos."

Undeniably great-looking news star Anderson Cooper: "I will now express my feelings for David Beckham by licking his tattoos."


Ok, AC didn't actually SAY that, but I know he was totally thinking it... and FYI, I'd "tour" either of these men. Click HERE to watch the video.

And then she challenged them all to a tequila shooter contest

"After a stylish night out, Lindsay Lohan greets a rush of young fans Thursday outside Bar Pitti in New York City's West Village"

I love that they describe her night out as "stylish", and I suspect that chose that particular adjective because she didn't end up in the gutter, flashing her lady parts to everybody walking down Bleeker Street. I also wonder if any of those kids could drink her under the table because from what I hear, her supposed sobriety has turned her into a real lightweight.

I wish he'd let me comfort him.

Some of my male friends were horrified at what they referred to as the 'Feminization of Bond' (just because this one showed a little sensitivity! I mean, did you SEE that shower scene where he just held his frightened Bond girl? And they were fully dressed? It was hot, for real. HEY-OH!!!), but Daniel Craig's interpretation made me want to see every single Bond movie ever made. I can't wait for the next one to open, no matter how unfortunate the title, Quantum of Solace, may seem.


Now we know where he gets his motivation!

He's not the most vulnerable Bond for nothing, you know. The man cries over suits.

In a bold move, ABC begins network domination in the specialization of ironic casting

Miss Guided? Wait a minute, that's not ironic casting! What's the opposite of irony? Reality? Hmmmm.....

Brides-To-Be everywhere declare USDA "Bachelorette Party Enemy #1"

You're not going to believe this, but I'm not a fan of male strip clubs (seriously, I'm really not); however, I was still shocked to see this story on CNN.com:


The bad news is that apparently the USDA has jurisdiction over beefcake. The good news is I won't need so many dollar bills at the next bachelorette party I attend!


Just kidding, I'm only having some fun with the headlines again. The real story about ACTUAL beef is HERE. I bet my version, had it been real, would have made some of you a little more outraged, though.

I dare you to tell Brooke Shields & I apart!

Brooke Shields and I have SO much in common! For starters, there is the whole getting marooned on a beautiful island-thing, letting nothing get between us and our Calvins, attending Princeton University, starring in our own 90's sitcom, and marrying hot Hollywood players.

Except for the fact that she's 8 years my senior, on some days we also have this in common:


Oh, Brooke... you're so relatable!

Avoidance and Denial; one of those ain't just a river in Egypt

Note to Readers: I don't know what's gotten into me but tonight I'm posting one of each of the 2 things I usually avoid writing about, and I'm posting them together even though it might seem in-bad-taste (and if you're surprised to find a post on my blog that is less than the highest of decorum, let me welcome you, new readers, because everyone else already knows where the bar is set around here!).
.......

There are 2 things on this blog that I usually avoid like the plague: online quizzes and famous-people-memorial-posts, and the reasons for avoidance are actually the same. If everyone has already written about it, reported on it, or talked about it, will readers still be interested in more of the same from another blog? I don't have a definitive answer to that because there are too many variables, but I'm a classic over-thinker, so the path my brain takes is this: If you have a couple of hours free, maybe you're looking to read up on all kinds of varying topics so that there will be something to talk to your ex-boyfriend about later over a dinner of re-heated yet lukewarm lasagna that really wasn't that tasty even when it was hot & fresh (the ex-boyfriend, not the lasagna); or on the flip side, if you have a full presentation for a client meeting due in 20 minutes and you still have at least 45 minutes of work to get done, you're definitely going to want to read up on the same topic repeatedly in an effort to avoid the panic that is about to blow up in your face like an atomic bomb. Or maybe that's just me.

Initially part of the allure of posting the results of a quiz I picked up from my sister's blog (who got it from Kat's blog) was to avoid writing a post on Heath Ledger's untimely passing, but I don't think that went very well since I just spent 40 minutes editing a very long post I wrote about him yesterday, so here is what remains for public consumption: My friend Shoni & I watched Heath's breakout film, Ten Things I Hate About You, a teen angst-y adaptation of Shakespeare's The Taming of the Shrew, countless times after she got it on DVD in '99; and though he purposely avoided (there it is again, the topic of the day!) doing any other movies in that specific genre afterwards, that initial role was all it took for us to sit up and take notice of him. The last film I saw him in was his Academy Award nominated role in Brokeback Mountain, a film so beautifully shot while simultaneously having the most brilliantly acted and utterly depressing storyline that it put me in a funk for weeks. While I didn't know him personally, I felt (and still feel) really disturbed when I heard the news, so R.I.P. Heath Ledger.
.......

...And now for something completely different. Here are the long-awaited, possibly too-hyped-up results from the online quiz, "What Donut Are You?". Honestly, I think this quiz should have just been called, "The WHO, ME? Quiz by Captain Obvious" because it is eerily accurate:


Nah, you think?!

You can take it yourself HERE, if for no other reason than you'll have something to talk about when you & your ex-boyfriend get together for dinner.

I swear I just got a contact high from reading this exciting announcement, and so will you.

What he doesn't say is that they actually made their baby out of special herbs, some rolling papers and a few handfuls of play-doh.

From People.com:

Matthew McConaughey and girlfriend Camila Alves are expecting a child, the actor announced Tuesday on his Web site.

"My girlfriend Camila and I made a baby together," McConaughey writes. "It's 3 months growin in her womb and all looks healthy and lively so far. We are stoked and wowed by this miracle of creation and this gift from God, and so excited for the adventure that will come in raising this child, being mother and a father, and shepherding him or her through this life."

McConaughey adds: "Wish us the best, keep us in your prayers, and God bless evolution. Thanks for being fans of me and my work and now this new and miraculous chapter in my life, as me and Camila and our child do our best to just keep living."

He signs his message, "Wow, McConaughey."

McConaughey, 38, met Alves, 24, a Brazilian model whose family moved to L.A. when she was young, more than a year ago."

You'd think my favorite part of this news would be that he works in his best movie line ever, "just keep living" (which is from his breakout role in Dazed and Confused; and is even the name of his film production company!), but what got me really going was the last sentence, because it reads like his girlfriend and her family moved to Los Angeles MORE THAN A YEAR AGO when she was 22 & a half and "still young". You know, instead of the 24 year-old hag she is now.

"You just gotta keep livin', man. L-I-V-I-N."

Anyway, congrats to Matt and his old lady! Now pass the Doritos™ because I'm about to get the munchies.

Comcastholes, Part 2: You can't touch this!

My Dad brought this story to my attention after he read this other post I wrote about my friend J.C.'s experience with her local cable service. Note to self: Buy a hammer, you'll need it after your cable service sees this post and retaliates.

Taking a Hammer to Comcast
Mona Shaw had heard and seen enough from Comcast, her local cable television provider. After repeated attempts to change her phone service, the 75-year-old Bristow resident with a heart condition took out her frustrations at the Manassas payment center. Shaw was arrested for disorderly conduct after she took a hammer to several items in the office - all the while saying, "Have I got your attention now?"

Shaw's problems began when she and her husband, Don, waited all day Aug. 13 for a Comcast worker to come to their house to install its much-publicized Triple Play service, which includes digital cable, digital voice and high-speed Internet service. The Shaws were Comcast customers already but wanted to upgrade. No one came Aug. 13 but two days later, a representative arrived. According to Shaw, the Comcast worker didn't finish the job, told her that he needed a third party to finish it and left his equipment there. Before leaving, the cable guy gave her the option of changing her phone number, but Shaw said she didn't want to change a number that she has had for 34 years.

The next day the Shaws couldn't receive calls but were eventually able to make calls. That Friday, Shaw spent the morning on the phone with Comcast and made a frustrating trip to its Manassas office that resulted in no assistance from a company manager, she said. When the Shaws returned home, they discovered they had no phone service at all.

The Shaws waited Monday for a call. Finally, around 4:30 p.m., Mona Shaw put a hammer in her purse and returned to the Manassas Comcast office. "I smashed a keyboard, knocked over a monitor ... and I went to hit the telephone," Mona said. "I figured, 'Hey my telephone is screwed up, so is yours.' " Shaw said she was panic-stricken the previous Friday when they came home to no service because of her need in the past for emergency medical help.

The day after her arrest, Comcast called her husband and said they could switch her to the Triple Play service but the couple would have to wait a week. He demanded that the company come out the next day and remove their equipment and told the company they were returning to Verizon for phone service. Comcast did as her husband requested, but several weeks later the Shaws received a letter from the company thanking them for subscribing. That was typical Comcast, Shaw said.

I wonder if, like MC Hammer, Mona is dope on the floor and magic on the mic?


Read the full article, and check out a photo of Mona "The Hammer" Shaw by clicking HERE, or read what made my Dad think to send me Mona's story by clicking HERE.

There IS a bitch in this story, but it certainly isn't the dog!

See this adorable and depressed-looking dog? Not the bitch in this story.


I know the following headline will have lots of you chuckling (especially you married guys, because things are much funnier when you can actually relate to them directly, right?); but after that initial laugh? You're going to think, "Whaaaa?" and "Whooo?" and "Nahhhh!" and "Whyyyyy?" and Dude!" and then, finally; "OH-MY-GAWD-THAT-POOR-DOG-SOMEONE-SHOULD-DO-SOMETHING-LIKE-CALL-MCGRUFF!"

Man 'marries' bitch to beat curse
An Indian man has "married" a female dog, hoping the move will help atone for stoning two other dogs to death. P Selvakumar, 33, said he had been cursed since the killings, suffering paralysis and a loss of hearing.

The wedding took place at a Hindu temple in Tamil Nadu state. The "bride" wore an orange sari with a flower garland and was fed a bun to celebrate. Superstitious people in rural India sometimes organize weddings to animals in the hope of warding off curses. Crowds cheered the newly-weds at the end of the ceremony in Sivaganga district, about 50km (30 miles) east of the city of Madurai. The "bride", who is called Selvi, was led to the temple in Manamudurai wearing a sari before vows were exchanged in a traditional Hindu ceremony.

A relative of the groom who attended the wedding said he hoped Mr Selvakumar would now be cured. "Fifteen years back Selvakumar was physically fit. But, once he attacked a pair of dogs and thereafter Kumar could not move his limbs freely," the relative, Ramu, told the BBC. "He tried every cure for his ailment but could not be rid of his disability.

"On the advice of an astrologer and others, he decided to marry a bitch to get cured. Then we arranged Selvakumar's marriage with a bitch."

Hold up, let me get this straight. He married a dog to cure himself of physical problems that came on over the course of 15 years after he STONED 2 other dogs to death; And he was advised to marry the dog by an astrologer (is this where people go for advice these days)?

This story is wrong on so many levels that I feel the need to tell this bitch guy off in the best way I know how!


Source

Fun with alliteration: Reading, (W)riting, and 'rithmatic Remembering Ruby

There is a write-up on my sister's book, Remembering Ruby: For Families Living Beyond the Loss of a Pet, in today's newspaper, and my design work even scored a mention! Click on the image to see it up close and personal:


She's ready for her close-up, Mr. DeMille.

If you haven't already purchased a copy (or 10), here's your friendly reminder that it will make a great holiday gift for everyone on your list! Just click on the direct link to her Amazon.com page in the right column of my blog (just scroll down a little bit... you can't miss it)!

To read more on the book, click here.

Lead-based paint good for something: killing irreverent humor, also "the mood".

Utah, I didn't know you had it in you! Who knew that you could have your mind in the gutter like the rest of the states? This makes me really like you, Utah; and you should definitely call me.


The anchor on the left has the best unintentional innuendo ever: "There's nothing to see, nothing to see!" to which I'm sure the anchor on the right wants to say, "Oh hell yes, there is."

If newscasts were always this entertaining, maybe my generation would actually bother to watch on a nightly basis. You hear that, Katie Couric?

My mom has been unknowingly training for a contest like this her entire life; would have smoked the competition

For her, the chocolate would have been prize enough.

Chocolate-covered Jeep contest licked
Seven sweet toothed consumers created a scene when they licked their way through more than 700 pounds of chocolate in the "Sweetest Day the Jeep Way" challenge in Cleveland.

After licking her way through a chocolate-covered Jeep grill and searching through more than 45,000 pieces of wrapped candy, Anne Gemkow of Chicago tasted victory, winning an all-new 2008 Jeep Liberty 4x4 with Sky Slider™ roof. "I never thought my sweet tooth would actually come in handy," said Gemkow.

Gemkow stuck it out and drove home with a new Jeep and probably a sore tongue.

Probably? Probably a sore tongue? Good reporting, Associated Press!



Oh, this guy is NOT messing around. He must be thinking about how sore his tongue will be later... you know, probably.


source

The second graders got hired as soon as management found out they wanted to be paid in cookies.

When I was in 2nd grade, the teacher wrote a letter on the chalkboard that we were supposed to write on our wide-ruled paper, in an effort to practice our handwriting. It was a letter to our parents about the upcoming school open house, and went something like this:

Dear Mom and Dad,
Our school is having an open house on Thursday.
My teacher Miss Black hopes you can make it.

Love,
Your Name Here

I had been so entirely focused on getting each consonant and vowel correct--duplicating the teacher's generic chalkboard letter in my own shaky and new handwriting--that it wasn't until I heard my parents read it out loud at the dinner table that I realized I was supposed to write MY ACTUAL NAME where the teacher had simply put "Your Name Here".


Sadly, the teacher didn't give extra points for my laser-like focus and dedicated concentration.


In that sense I can very much understand how something like the following news story might happen. That is, if Wal-Mart is in the habit of staffing their bakery department with 2nd graders.

Our office had a going away party for a woman that is leaving. One of the supervisors called Wal-mart and ordered the cake.

He told them to write: “Best Wishes Suzanne” and underneath that write, “We will miss you”.

Here’s the cake that was delivered:

"Under Neat that"!


newsource