Public Service Announcement: The difference between bad & good baby gifts

Before reading any further, take a deep breath.

Please remember that I have a good sense of humor, and know that I understand the idea of the joke for stuff like this, I really do. However, you'll never convince me that it's actually funny, or cute, or charming in any way:


So many questions, starting with why would you spend money on these kinds of things? and for who? and why?!

Take it in. "My Mom is Hot"? "My Dad's a HOTTIE"? Dumb. Do. Not. Buy.

The parents of my favorite twins are, to be sure, HOTTIES... but their kids don't need bibs embroidered with those sentiments, and it's not because they're too mature or uptight. When the 3 of us are together, most of our time is spent working as many "That's what he said/That's what she said" responses into a conversation as possible.

Being a good gift-giver takes thoughtfulness, time, research, and taking personality/likes into account. I pride myself on it. Finding the perfect gift for the people in my life offers up a satisfaction I can hardly describe, but if there is a word for smugness you keep to yourself*, that would be the exact feeling I get every time.

The following is the right move to make when your friends have kids. Trust. Especially if they're adorable twins**. What we have here are the girl and boy versions of "Conserve Water! Drink Chocolate Milk." t-shirts from Target. I bought them both too-adorable-for-words jeans from Target, too. His were just plain dark denim, and hers had that girly cut with pink embroidery on the cute pockets (which you can kind of see in the last photo):


©HouseofJulesPhotography. All rights reserved.


©HouseofJulesPhotography. All rights reserved.


One parting shot of little Miss Thang, working her new outfit from Aunt Julesie:

©HouseofJulesPhotography. All rights reserved.

I didn't spent a truckload of cash, either. Both outfits (2 shirts + 2 jeans) cost less than $30 TOTAL.


*Though technically, by writing this post I'm no longer keeping it to myself!

**It's surprising how many people ask if they're identical. Identical twins are IDENTICAL, which means that if one is a boy and one is a girl, there is no scientifically possible way they could be.

****

Lady looks like a dude*

*This is merely an observation, not a criticism.

At first glance, I thought this was an ad for Madonna's latest live-in-concert DVD:


Because it very-much-reminded me of this April 2008 photo shoot she did for Interview Magazine :


Then I did a double take and realized it was actually an ad for The Wrestler, starring Mickey Rourke:


Though he may be guilty of entirely too much plastic surgery, the man is still very much a dude. Madonna, who may be guilty of entirely too many arm curls, is still very much Madonna.

The Bullsh*t Doctrine: Learn it. Know it. Live it.

One thing is for sure; the USA should be proud of itself for impressing upon every generation (mine included) the abililty to totally bullshit your way through a question for which you do not know the answer.

In that particular respect, both of these ladies are brilliant, and frankly? Entertaining.


"...so we will be able to build up our future for our children." With maps?


Someone's getting bonus points for the B.S.'ing through the answer of a question she didn't even understand the concept of to begin with:


"His world view, you mean?" Uh, not quite.

Let's review:

• Not knowing the answer to why 20% of "US Americans" can't locate our own country on a map for a teen beauty pagent is okay.


• Not knowing what the Bush Doctrine is when you're running for the 2nd in charge to the leader of the free world is not okay. 
  

Even I know what the Bush Doctrine is, but I'm not running for V.P.

It just occurred to me that ALL political ads should end with, "I'm ______________, and I approved this MESS". At least it would be an accurate statement.

Just sayin'.

Meatloaf would do anything for money (but he won't do that). Oh wait, yes he will.

Disclaimer Caveat: Even though it was released in 1977, Meatloaf's Paradise by the Dashboard Light is a classic for the ages. You cannot argue this point with me and win.

More than 30 years after it's release, Paradise by the Dashboard Light is still being played on every college campus in the country. It was certainly played at every party or bar I went to in college, and each time it came on, my friends and I were suddenly in our own musical. Everything-- beer pong, keg stands, a table full of people playing the card game affectionately known as A-hole, the guitar-playing dudes on the front steps--would stop, and we would all wholeheartedly sing along*. Even the burly, stoic guys who never sang joined in loudly; which makes sense if you go by the increased beer consumption=increased volume of sound equation. Afterwards, with no mention of the buzzed chorus we were all apparently members of, regular party activity would ramp-up again. Me? I was probably getting back to kicking ass at speed quarters.

Now that you understand the degree to which this particular song is ingrained in my college experience, you can understand why I received no less than 12 e-mails over the weekend from some of those friends in response to and concurrence with my horror at seeing this commercial:


Double-click on either 'play' arrow if you have trouble with the video

Part of my job is coming up with marketing ideas and advertising pitches, so I realize that I analyze commercials (and ok, lots of things) more than the average bear. I will start you off with these points to ponder:

1) They cast 80's pop singer Tiffany as the mom who can stock a garage refrigerator (with french bread?!) and then release a dove from her bare hands that she magically pulled out of thin air (after a prayer?!). The dove flies out of view never to be seen again, which is probably supposed to represent how quickly time passes, or something equally depressing. All I know is when I first saw that part of the commercial, I actually thought to myself, "This right here? THIS is what it sounds like when doves cry."

2) In a glorious display of a textbook mood swing, we find out that if Meatloaf gets "crazed", he'll angrily throw a fireball into a trash can. Then, he'll tell you he's going to buy you something.

3) The script calls for the teenager to grab nothing out of thin air TWICE and eat it. This thin-air thing must come from his mom's DNA. Maybe originally he was supposed to eat flying doves but they thought it would distract from the message, which ends up coming through regardless. The message is that Meatloaf needs cash and will seemingly do anything to get it.

4) Unless you're selling dynamite, having the featured product EXPLODE at the end of the commercial might not be the best thing to leave in the mind of the potential customer.

5) For me, the most disturbing part of this commercial is the song choice. If you don't already know or never thought about it before, Paradise by the Dashboard Light (like all Jim Steinman songs) is a massive and over-the-top saga of teenage sex in a car-turned-miserable marriage that goes like this (and because Tiffany's flying dove reminded me that time is fleeting, I opted to edit down the mass of information found on Wikipedia instead of typing up my own run-down):

Part one, Paradise Reminiscing their days as a high school couple, making out in the front seat of a car. "And now our bodies are oh so close and tight/It never felt so good it never felt so right..." As the song progresses it's clear that the boy has more on his mind. "Baby don't you hear my heart/You've got it drowning out the radio/I've been waiting so long for you to come along and have some fun/And I gotta let you know, no you're never gonna regret it/So open up your eyes I've got a big surprise, it'll feel all right/ I wanna make your motor run". 

Part two, Let Me Sleep On It The girl refuses to go any further unless the boy promises that he will love her, marry her, and stay faithful. The boy is conflicted and says he'll tell her in the morning, which doesn't get him very far. "I couldn't take it any longer/ Lord, I was crazed / When the feeling came upon me like a tidal wave / Started swearing to my God/ And on my mother's grave/ That I would love you till the end of time / I swore I would love you till the end of time"

Part three, Praying For The End Of Time Things snap back to the present time. They are sticking to their vows, despite being miserable about it. "So now I'm praying for the end of time / To hurry up and arrive / 'cause if I got to spend another minute with you I don't think that I can really survive/ I'll never break my promise / Or forget my vow / But God only knows what I can do right now/ I'm praying for the end of time / It's all that I can do! / Praying for the end of time / So I can end my time with you!"

Now I ask you...will the debased version of this song sell phones to parents of teenagers? The same teenagers who after having borrowed the car, may just ignore that ringing phone as they participate in their own paradise by the dashboard "Go-Phone" light?

...

*I have the exact same kind of flashbacks when I hear Hootie & the Blowfish's Hold My Hand or Only Wanna Be With You. I realize to some of you that admission might blow my credibility on the topic of 'classics', but those WERE The Hootie Years, so I have no shame about that. Besides, I defy you to find a song with a sweetly-appropriate lyrical summation of college relationships that tops, "Maybe we can't change the world but I'm gonna love you the best that, the best that I can."

Well, besides this obvious choice!

It blows my mind how much a full tank of gas costs, even for my Honda "34-miles-per-gallon" Civic

I didn't realize how many people feel exactly the same way about Hummers (the vehicle!) as I do. Don't get me wrong: I'm not even close to being a hardcore what-is-your-carbon-footprint-asking, green-lifestyle-preaching, Toyota-Prius-driving person, but owning a road beast like that seems like such an irresponsible waste. Every. Single. Time. I see someone driving by in an H2 (which actually happens a lot around here), my involuntary reaction is to roll my eyes and shake my head in disgust.

That should explain why someone who has been witness to this behavior (maybe a few too many times, but he says it's part of my charm!) knew sending me this link to F-YOU AND YOUR H2 would make me laugh my ass off. Make sure you click on the "Submissions" page to see some hilarious photos!

Thanks, B!

And then she challenged them all to a tequila shooter contest

"After a stylish night out, Lindsay Lohan greets a rush of young fans Thursday outside Bar Pitti in New York City's West Village"

I love that they describe her night out as "stylish", and I suspect that chose that particular adjective because she didn't end up in the gutter, flashing her lady parts to everybody walking down Bleeker Street. I also wonder if any of those kids could drink her under the table because from what I hear, her supposed sobriety has turned her into a real lightweight.

This time Disney has taken things too far!

Humans need to learn when-to-say-when in electing to have plastic surgery.

After his role in Disney's Enchanted, it looks like McDreamy might be caught up in a real-life fairy tale role reversal:


Beauty (left) and The Beast.

Not even Dirty Sexy Money could beat my Dirty Sexy Honey

We've been apologizing in advance since the mid-80's

Tonight this old friend is coming to visit for a couple of days, and the fact is that we're going to spend most of that time loudly laughing our asses off, trading bad date stories, exchanging lots of witty banter, and turning most everything the other one says into some kind of naughty innuendo. 

This will most definitely go on and on, into the early hours of morning. The good news is that there will probably be lots of delightful snippets of conversation to share after all is said & done, however, we do apologize in advance for the volume.

In case you aren't sure, I strongly suggest you get your own ice cream.

This kid looks just like I do when someone says they don't want their own cone and will just share mine. He has my look down perfectly, except I don't do the adorable laughter part.


Baby Gives The Evil Eye

No Mo' NaBloPoMo, otherwise known as NaBloPoNoDingo

Yesterday marked my last NaBloPoMo entry. I actually did it, 30 posts in 30 days, so bring on the prizes!

Now that I have the luxury of posting whenever I want, without the threat of a dingo eating my future children, I am feeling both slightly woozy AND drunk with power. Or maybe it's all that wine.

I made this custom badge and am happy to share it with my fellow NaBloPoMo survivors! Just click on the below image and it should download to your desktop. All I ask is you leave a little hello in the comments so I can make my way over to your blog and see what you're about!


NaBloPoNoDingo!


Yes, yes, my fabulous readers; I've gotten your e-mails asking if I'm still planning to post with the same amount of fervor. Don't panic! Fervor is my middle name. I'm still going to be posting a lot, possibly even every day; although I can't be held down to this kind of commitment forever, you know. Otherwise I'll never be able to have children with my future baby-daddy for the dingoes to feed on, and what's more important that that?

Three reasons I love doing photo shoots

Charissa's son Rhea


Kate's daughter Lilly

The third and most important reason I love doing photo shoots of these particular children is because they both have well-behaved parents, which is harder to come by than you'd think.

"Questionable memory stick" or questionable memory?

Maybe it's time to stop accepting gifts of MEMORY STICKS from Ohio legislative liaisons, Representative Barrett; though it's just as likely that the person to point the finger at is the no-paycheck-collecting intern who had to do all the work in compiling everything for the civics lesson you were teaching. Consider yourself schooled. The upside for you is that at some point you really, really had the full attention of the class.

Lawmaker shows naked woman during school lecture
NORWALK, Ohio (AP) -- A state legislator surprised a high school class when the computer he was using projected a photo of a nude woman during a lecture on how a bill becomes a law.

State Rep. Matthew Barrett said the questionable memory stick had been given to him several weeks ago.

State Rep. Matthew Barrett was giving a civics lesson Tuesday when he inserted a data memory stick into the school computer and the projected image of a topless woman appeared instead of the graphics presentation he had downloaded.

Police interviewed Barrett and school officials and seized the data memory stick and the computer to determine where the image came from, a state highway patrol spokesman said.

Barrett said there were a few snickers from the approximately 20 students in the senior government class at Norwalk High School when the image appeared. He said he immediately pulled the memory stick out of the computer.

The legislator said he finished his lecture using printouts and then met with the school's principal and technology staff, who examined the stick. He said the school's technology director determined the stick had a directory of nude images in addition to Barrett's presentation on civics lessons.

"I have no idea where these came from," the Democrat said. Barrett said the data memory stick was a gift he received about three weeks ago from a legislative liaison from the state Library of Ohio.

Source

Kitten's got claws (and probably a chemical imbalance)!

I wish some people could pick a mood (or a medication) and stick with it, at least for more than 20 minutes.