Whether it's "snack" or "sack" is debatable; what's certain is that it's extraordinary

I've already written about how my job has involved many pitch meetings for different products, and that I probably pay attention to commercials, slogans, and advertising in general more than the average person does. I think about what goes into a pitch meeting, and how I'm sure some advertising agencies must be amazed when a client goes with (and pays big money for) some half-baked or unintentionally hilarious idea.

For example, I was surprised by this product name and was saddened by this spokesperson/song, and I couldn't believe that this winter accessory actually made it into production.

The following product slogan fits right into the How did the marketing department get away with that? category. This is the perfect example of a commercial that a roomful of men must have scripted:


Double-click on either 'play' arrow if you have trouble with the video

We started with a simple almond.
Added pecans, peanuts and a hint of sweetness.
The result?
An extraordinary nutsnack.

Facts:
-This commercial had Jen & I in hysterics, which confirms that we're 12-year old boys at heart (and if you remember THIS OTHER post, you are not surprised by our reaction to the commercial at all).

-Somehow we've been quoting the commercial incorrectly for the past 48 hours, saying at every opportunity, "...and what we've come up with is an incredible nutsnack". Since "extraordinary" surpasses "incredible", we owe an apology to the True North Nut company for under-appreciating their nutsnack.

-I've already e-mailed the company to see if they'll send me product samples for giveaways. I'll keep you posted.


Thanks Lark, for being as immature as my friends & I are.

--

In other, less nut-centric news:
After taking myself and my sister out of the running, and numbering everyone in order of their comment on THIS POST, we have a winner of the George Michael concert merch and her name is Swishy.


E-mail me your address, Swish, so I can get your prize in the mail!

Meatloaf would do anything for money (but he won't do that). Oh wait, yes he will.

Disclaimer Caveat: Even though it was released in 1977, Meatloaf's Paradise by the Dashboard Light is a classic for the ages. You cannot argue this point with me and win.

More than 30 years after it's release, Paradise by the Dashboard Light is still being played on every college campus in the country. It was certainly played at every party or bar I went to in college, and each time it came on, my friends and I were suddenly in our own musical. Everything-- beer pong, keg stands, a table full of people playing the card game affectionately known as A-hole, the guitar-playing dudes on the front steps--would stop, and we would all wholeheartedly sing along*. Even the burly, stoic guys who never sang joined in loudly; which makes sense if you go by the increased beer consumption=increased volume of sound equation. Afterwards, with no mention of the buzzed chorus we were all apparently members of, regular party activity would ramp-up again. Me? I was probably getting back to kicking ass at speed quarters.

Now that you understand the degree to which this particular song is ingrained in my college experience, you can understand why I received no less than 12 e-mails over the weekend from some of those friends in response to and concurrence with my horror at seeing this commercial:


Double-click on either 'play' arrow if you have trouble with the video

Part of my job is coming up with marketing ideas and advertising pitches, so I realize that I analyze commercials (and ok, lots of things) more than the average bear. I will start you off with these points to ponder:

1) They cast 80's pop singer Tiffany as the mom who can stock a garage refrigerator (with french bread?!) and then release a dove from her bare hands that she magically pulled out of thin air (after a prayer?!). The dove flies out of view never to be seen again, which is probably supposed to represent how quickly time passes, or something equally depressing. All I know is when I first saw that part of the commercial, I actually thought to myself, "This right here? THIS is what it sounds like when doves cry."

2) In a glorious display of a textbook mood swing, we find out that if Meatloaf gets "crazed", he'll angrily throw a fireball into a trash can. Then, he'll tell you he's going to buy you something.

3) The script calls for the teenager to grab nothing out of thin air TWICE and eat it. This thin-air thing must come from his mom's DNA. Maybe originally he was supposed to eat flying doves but they thought it would distract from the message, which ends up coming through regardless. The message is that Meatloaf needs cash and will seemingly do anything to get it.

4) Unless you're selling dynamite, having the featured product EXPLODE at the end of the commercial might not be the best thing to leave in the mind of the potential customer.

5) For me, the most disturbing part of this commercial is the song choice. If you don't already know or never thought about it before, Paradise by the Dashboard Light (like all Jim Steinman songs) is a massive and over-the-top saga of teenage sex in a car-turned-miserable marriage that goes like this (and because Tiffany's flying dove reminded me that time is fleeting, I opted to edit down the mass of information found on Wikipedia instead of typing up my own run-down):

Part one, Paradise Reminiscing their days as a high school couple, making out in the front seat of a car. "And now our bodies are oh so close and tight/It never felt so good it never felt so right..." As the song progresses it's clear that the boy has more on his mind. "Baby don't you hear my heart/You've got it drowning out the radio/I've been waiting so long for you to come along and have some fun/And I gotta let you know, no you're never gonna regret it/So open up your eyes I've got a big surprise, it'll feel all right/ I wanna make your motor run". 

Part two, Let Me Sleep On It The girl refuses to go any further unless the boy promises that he will love her, marry her, and stay faithful. The boy is conflicted and says he'll tell her in the morning, which doesn't get him very far. "I couldn't take it any longer/ Lord, I was crazed / When the feeling came upon me like a tidal wave / Started swearing to my God/ And on my mother's grave/ That I would love you till the end of time / I swore I would love you till the end of time"

Part three, Praying For The End Of Time Things snap back to the present time. They are sticking to their vows, despite being miserable about it. "So now I'm praying for the end of time / To hurry up and arrive / 'cause if I got to spend another minute with you I don't think that I can really survive/ I'll never break my promise / Or forget my vow / But God only knows what I can do right now/ I'm praying for the end of time / It's all that I can do! / Praying for the end of time / So I can end my time with you!"

Now I ask you...will the debased version of this song sell phones to parents of teenagers? The same teenagers who after having borrowed the car, may just ignore that ringing phone as they participate in their own paradise by the dashboard "Go-Phone" light?

...

*I have the exact same kind of flashbacks when I hear Hootie & the Blowfish's Hold My Hand or Only Wanna Be With You. I realize to some of you that admission might blow my credibility on the topic of 'classics', but those WERE The Hootie Years, so I have no shame about that. Besides, I defy you to find a song with a sweetly-appropriate lyrical summation of college relationships that tops, "Maybe we can't change the world but I'm gonna love you the best that, the best that I can."

Well, besides this obvious choice!

It's catchier than the generic name Rabeprazole Sodium, that's for sure!

After work last night, I heard a new drug commercial on the radio. I'm sure that marketing department knew exactly what they were doing when they decided to go with the name, Aciphex, because this kind of genius doesn't just happen accidentally.


It helps if you say it to out loud in a sentence, like "Last night at the club everyone was admiring my Aciphex!"

Interestingly enough, I saw the TV commercial when I got home and thought they could have done MUCH better by that name! In the pitch meeting, I would have suggested they use this scene from the Drew Barrymore movie, "Never Been Kissed":

Drew Barrymore has obviously been prescribed Aciphex!


Sidenote:
Speaking of reasons behind a good ass-shake; be sure to come back tomorrow for February's "Putting the Hump in Humpday post. Not only does it feature someone VERY worthy of the title, but I'll be giving away AUTOGRAPHED (by HIM, obviously) PRIZES! 

You can read January's "Humpday" post here.

Jones Soda: Spreading holiday cheer through religious beverage equality

A couple of years ago, I read about the Jones Soda Company's special Thanksgiving 5-pack, consisting of turkey & gravy soda, cranberry soda, green bean casserole soda, mashed potato & butter soda, and fruitcake soda when they were selling for big money on E-bay. Yes, you read those flavors correctly.

This year they've topped themselves with 2 new holiday packs: Christmas & Hanukkah.

This Season Celebrate Christmukkah with Jones Soda!
The Holiday Season is once again upon us and this year the folks here at Jones Soda have decided to celebrate a little differently. Instead of our traditional Turkey and Gravy, we have created two packs for your holiday enjoyment. Introducing, the 2007 Christmas Pack and Chanukah Pack. This season, whether you are decking the halls, lighting the menorah or celebrating Chrismakkuh by spinning the dreidel under the Christmas tree, there is a Jones Soda flavor for you!


Christmas pack flavors: Christmas Ham Soda, Christmas Tree Soda, Egg Nog Soda and Sugar Plum Soda


Hanukkah pack flavors: Latke Soda, Apple Sauce Soda, Chocolate Coins Soda and Jelly Doughnut Soda

It seems the only holiday flavor pairing they left out is a non-denominational one:

Get yourself a 4-pack of Jack & Coke, and you can enjoy the original holiday fun-pack!


Source

Because it's going to be winter eventually

These are ACTUAL MITTENS that you can ACTUALLY BUY!

Good news, smokers! Someone has designed mittens just for you. The best part: they come in black, to match your lungs.

Don't threaten me with a good time!

Have you ever been to a restaurant where they'll make you a "real" cherry coke with coca-cola, cherries, and grenadine (or just cherry juice)? If you haven't, you are seriously missing out. Never fear though; you can make them yourself at home! FYI: I only do this every once in a while because they're totally addictive.

I was at the grocery store the other night and was parched. Could have been the 1000 degree weather, I don't know... it doesn't really matter. What DOES matter is that I just so happened to be walking slowly down the condiment aisle when a beautiful light from the heavens--or possibly just the fluorescents above aisle 7--drew my eyes to the most glorious thing I have ever seen next to a jar of olives:

May I introduce you to the whiskey spiked cherry?

Here is the actual description from the Sable and Rosenfeld website:

Whiskey 'Spiked' Tipsy Cherries
'Cocktail ready' long stemmed colossal cherries spiked with Malt Whiskey. Perfect for the classic Manhattan and the trend setting Vogue Martini.
-Deep, rich burgundy color
-Shapely, firm and long stemmed
-Perfect cocktail, dessert and hors d'oeuvres garnish

How, in all my years of enjoying dirty martinis with Sable and Rosenfeld's blue cheese stuffed olives, did I not realize that they had drunken cherries just lazing about on the grocery store shelves? How, I ask you?

Suddenly, I was overwhelmed with the possibilities within each jar of wasted cherries. Once I got past the excitement over cherry coke with whisky cherry garnishes, I thought, "Hello Jack & Coke. I'm about to blow your liquid mind and drop a tipsy cherry or two in here. Don't worry, Jack & Coke! It's still going to be "you", only BETTER"... and so it was.



If you know what reality show the title of this post refers to, you must be as uncomfortable as I am on Sunday nights. Yet, you still watch, don't you? I know, it's so wrong.

Tastes like Pompous Blowhard™?

With the success of Donald Trump™'s House of Wings®™, I wasn't surprised to see a new Trump™ product on the cover of the latest Sharper Image catalog.

Donald Trump™ on Donald Trump's House of Wings™: "The most important thing I've ever done in my life."

Introducing Trump™ Steaks, presumably made from Trump™ cows!

Donald Trump™ on Trump's Cows™: "Cows with the best looking comb-overs I've ever seen in my life."


Putting the "rump" in "Trump™"

Go get yourself a bottle of Trump™ Vodka to go with that Trump™ Steak, and I'd say you have an evening that Trumps™ all the rest!

Google Ads ask question, then answers for you; turns out "emo" worse than "stupid"

I did not make this up, these were actual ads, exactly as they were listed on one of the entertainment blogs I read. I did not feel inclined to take either quiz.