Ernő Rubik, you are delicious!

I kept telling my sister that I was going to make her the Lionel Richie bust from his "Hello" video in cake form for her birthday:


I was joking, of course, because I'm less Ace of Cakes and more Ace of Base.

I did make her an unassuming looking cake from the outside with an 80's surprise on the inside, though. Seeing her face when she cut into it and realized that it was a Rubik's Cube was really fun!







Happy birthday, Missy!

****

By the time you read this, I'll already be there.

In 2008, I went with some BFFs on an annual October trip to Key West, Florida. You can read about that and my childhood (and continuing) love for a Bertie Higgins song by clicking HERE.

We had plans to do many things on the trip, meeting up with Irish Peter being at the top of the list. (In 2007, the girls made fast friends with Irish Peter--a nickname they bestowed upon him because his name is Peter and he is, in fact, Irish. He is also funny, charming, hot, a good time, has an accent and did I mention that he's hot?--who at the time was working as the bartender on the booze cruise they were boozin' it up on.) We went to a bar he was working at and all of the boxes on the list of reasons men make my heart race were checked off. We had a great time, and at some point in the night we were in the parking lot behind the bar so he could record my outgoing voicemail greeting. This greeting has confused and possibly irritated every straight guy who has ever called me, because the combination of Irish Peter's accent and the speed at which he's talking makes it difficult for people to understand. Every female and gay guy who has ever called me has given it RAVE reviews, though. They usually say that they can't understand a thing he says but the accent makes it sexy anyway. You should give it a listen:

My outgoing voicemail greeting: Irish Peter by HouseofJules

"How's it goin'? Jules isn't here right now; she's out in Key West picking some spuds and lookin' for me Lucky Charms. If you can leave a message, she'll be glad to get back to you as soon as she can. I'll be talkin' to ya and have a wonderful day!"


Friends have called me multiple times in a day just to hear that voicemail greeting.


I wasn't able to go on the trip with the girls this year, but my BFF Jen let Irish Peter use her phone because he was missing me (duh) and he also wanted to hear himself as my voicemail greeting. I had to switch it out for a generic greeting recently because I'm looking for a new job and don't want potential employers to hear him and assume they've gotten the wrong number! The message he left me is one for the books:

He REALLY is a gift by HouseofJules

"Jules, I'm kinda sad. I was expecting to hear myself in your phone! We're calling you here from Key West; you might recognize my voice! Happy birthday! Apparently, we have your birthday present here. I'm wrapped up in a bow; you've gotta come down and get me..."

(It's so funny hearing my girls "Oh my God!"-ing as he hands Jen's phone back to her. So. Funny.)

I made the mistake of listening to that message at work, and then I listened to it again. And again (and again). Wrapped in a bow? Come down and get you? YES, PLEASE.


Then, I switched from the generic outgoing greeting I was using to the one he recorded with me, just so he could call back and hear it. This is his reaction:

Rosetta Stone by HouseofJules

"You need to put subtitles on your message, 'cause I can't even understand that and I actually said it! I need to get Rosetta Stone and get my english a little better there. I'm having technical difficulties! Thanks for putting it back on, you're the best!"


Funny, charming, hot, a good time, hot, has an accent, is wrapped in a bow for my birthday and all I have to do is go get him? Twist my arm.

Happy birthday to me, indeed.

****

In the blink of an eye

Oh, boy... err, man!

THIS DUDE is 18 today. EIGHTEEN.

I can't even put into words how stellar it is to have him & his brother in my life... so I won't even try.

I've been photographing him since the minute he was born (literally) and yet, I don't know where the time went.





Happy birthday to you, Sparks! Your presence is truly a gift to ME (and everyone around you). You have made my life infinitely better, just by being in it.


****

Me & my underutilized uterus are doing more than fine!

Sometimes I wonder if I'll have kids of my own. I can count on one hand the times in my life that I have felt a little uterus pang regarding this topic, so it's not something that I feel like I'm missing out on. I leave it up to fate, because while I'd love having a healthy, committed, long-term relationship with a man (do those still exist?), I don't need my own kids to round that out or to make me feel "whole".

I'm sure a huge part of not having an insatiable need for my own kids is because I can't imagine bringing anyone better into this world than my 2 nephews, and trust me when I tell you that I've never said anything more truthful than that. They're such good, fun-loving, smart, interesting, sometimes challenging (in a good way) people.

They're totally different from each other (and somewhat indifferent TO each other, but they'll grow out of that) just like their mom & I were at their ages-- and both, in their own ways, tremendous young men who have made my life... well, that's just it: THEY'VE MADE MY LIFE.

So, if I never have kids of my own, it's okay. For real.

Case in point:

Click to enlarge.

Obviously, my nephew Jason (15) has incredible taste. Dylan (17) does, too, but he hasn't seen that status update yet. Also, they have more than one aunt, so it's not an empty/brown nose-y compliment. That ish is REAL.

Beat that, mothertruckers. Oh, wait. You can't. ;)

****

Yo! Edvard Munch...

Yo! Edvard Munch*... I'm happy for your painting skills & imma let you finish, but Oprah has the best SCREAM of all time. OF ALL TIME!!!!!!**


My favorite is when she introduces the cast of Friends with outstretched arms and a heartfelt, "Frrriends!!!"

I plan to be doing this ALL weekend whenever I see anybody I know. Furthermore, it is no exaggeration when I write that if someone made a video of every guest announcement Oprah has ever made on her show over the last 24 years, I would sit down and watch it several times.

*Related sidenote: His last name is pronounced "Monk", which I learned 13 years ago when interviewing for a museum gift store job and saying it like it's spelled. I got corrected on the pronunciation, screamed in embarrassment (on the inside) and then I got hired anyway.

**It's not too late for yet another Kanye West/Taylor Swift reference, is it?
****

Everyone knows it's Ju-uuules!

Not only have I been putting in more hours at my job, the place where I get PAID MONEY to work, but I've also been working really hard (possibly harder on anything I've ever worked on in my life) on THIS SPECIAL PROJECT for the past few months.

I usually don't get a lot of sleep but as they* say, shit's been ridiculous lately.

Running on an average of 4 hours of sleep per night for an extended period of time is not good for anybody. I am exhausted. I look exhausted. My sanity is hanging on by an extremely thin thread these days.

I haven't been this physically worn out since college, though back then it was for different reasons. Uh, HELLO, late night photo labs, Wednesday night quarter tappers on Main Street, parties, and even studying sometimes... but mostly make out seshes with the boyfriend.

You probably already know that I'm not a morning person, and to allude in any way, shape or form that I am will put my friends & family in hysterics.

Allow me to clarify: I'm not a JERK in the morning, I just don't want to hear your STUPID sing-songy, happy to be awake before sunrise, whistling-while-you-butter-your-toast, DUMB VOICE aimed in my direction before I've had a chance to wash the shame from the night before out of my hair, okay? Can we shake on that forever and ever? Thanks. I love you.

Now that we're on the same page, you'll really understand how much I want to hug, love, and squeeze this new 7Up commercial starring Brad Garrett:



I literally, for really-real, sing that whole thing to myself at some point every morning (in my head! I don't want to hear my own dumb voice that early, either!) as I fumble around getting ready for work after only grabbing a few hours worth of sleep.

The part that cracks me up the most is, "Who's reaching out to tickle a horsey? Everyone knows it's Bra-aaad!"

Tickle a horsey?! I want whoever wrote that commercial to marry me right now! I do, I do, and I do.


*By "they", I mean "me".


****

The Proposal: Timing really is everything!

The weekend we met, way back in 2005. Who is wrapped around who's finger, exactly?

I got an e-mail from my oldest (in years of friendship, not in age!) BFF last week, telling me about a conversation she had with her nearly 5-year old son, R. What you should know before reading any further is that they live several states away from me and though we talk on the phone often, we only get to see each other once/year.

The following will explain everything you ever needed to know about the effect I seem to have on men*:

I told R. your birthday is coming up and he wanted to color a picture for you. I told him you like hearts, so he asked me to draw some for him. As he was coloring them in, he said,

“I want to marry her, because I like her. I’m going to drive to her house and kiss her, and give her some flowers.”

Then he looked up from his artwork to ask,

“Wait, did anyone marry her yet?”

I said, “Not yet.”

He said,

“Good. I don’t know what time I’m going to grow up**, but when I grow up, that’s when I’m going to marry her***.”

That "AKA Your Husband" above his name makes this the best artwork by a nearly 5-year old (with help from his mother) of all time. OF ALL TIME!!!!!!


All I have to say is, Jeremy better step up his game (*cough* birthdayspankings *cough*) tonight!


*By "men", I mean "nearly 5-year old boys". Of course, I've dated several men who acted about that age...

**...who clearly didn't know what time they were going to grow up, either.

***Don't cry for me! Word has it that R. is going to propose to me with his favorite plastic spider ring. He is wise beyond his years.

Ain't nothing gonna break her stride!

If you've surrounded yourself with the right people, the line between friends and family blurs until you no longer see it. I guess if there has to be a name for it, I'd use "framily".

Speaking of framily, here's a note from Seestor Amy:

To my wonderful friends & family~
I wanted to let you know that with your amazing generosity in giving for the MS Walk 2009, I was able to raise almost $3500!  I am unbelievably touched by your support. I've attached a picture from the walk...as you'll see, it wasn't the most ideal day for it, but I think we all still had fun! Hopefully next year the weather will be more cooperative!

Thank you, thank you, thank you!! Take care of yourselves!

Love,
Amy

Here she is... the woman of the hour. You can really see our framily resemblance here (our standard photo pose is very similar):

Do you think a little rain stopped this woman from doing her thang? OF COURSE IT DIDN'T! Her only complaint was that her jeans were too rain-soaked for her leg to get higher.


Team Seestor Amy, after being rained on all day! Go Team!

I'm thrilled to say that other people in my extended framily (who aren't lucky enough to know my seestors personally) contributed over $700 to Team Seestor Amy and Walk MS 2009. Love you all and love to my Seestors Amy & Nancy!

Presenti: Il festival favoloso delle cinque pizze...

("Presenting: The Fab Five Pizza Fest!")
...or at least how to make one of the tastiest toppings ever!

I'm not going to start posting everything delicious I've ever put in my mouth on here, so no worries! However, there are some things I think everyone should know how to make (or at least get the chance to eat after someone else makes them!), and roasted tomatoes are one of those things. They're so easy that it would be sad if you look at the recipe and think you can't handle it.

Last week, my 13-year-old nephew J assisted me with making a ton of them since tomatoes are really cheap right now. We loaded up on 12 Roma tomatoes and 4 huge Heirloom (true, a little pricier, but they're so funky looking we couldn't resist. Also? Delicious!) tomatoes-- yellow, purple, green and red/green striped-- then headed back to the house and set up an assembly line.

While I washed & sliced the tomatoes, J covered 4 cookie sheets with foil and spread a very light layer of olive oil on top of the foil. Then he started laying out the tomatoes like a pro. After that, we lined the cookie sheets up in assembly line fashion. He started us rolling by sprinkling our pre-measured kosher salt over each tray:


Tomatoes, salted.


I followed behind him with the balsamic vinegar, pouring an equal amount over each tray:


Tomatoes salted and balsamic vinegar'd.


Then J went over each tray with cracked black pepper, and I finished everything off with a very light drizzle of olive oil.


Tomatoes salted, vinegar'd, peppered and oiled.



Roma & Heirloom tomato heaven!



Shot from the other end of the counter. Still Drool-worthy.


I previously posted the recipe (which I had to quadruple for the amount of tomatoes J and I roasted) HERE.

Like always, they came out after roasting deliciously sweet and tangy, with an unmistakable ZING! I used them for several different things that week, the main thing as a topping on homemade pizzas! This is what my roasted tomato, black olive, red onion, mushroom, fresh basil & turkey-pepperoni (spicier than regular pepperoni, you should try it!) pizza turned out like:


Our cousin Eric's famous dough recipe, as well as some organic tomato sauce & cheese helped to make this the Best Pizza Ever. For real.


You can read all about that & see more photos of our Fab Five Labor Day Pizza Fest (including what everyone else's pizzas looked like!) on my sister's blog by clicking HERE!

  It's a lot more fun, when making your own homemade pizzas, if you have everyone speak with Italian accents, and occasionally belt out lyrics from That's Amore! Itsa nice!

All photos taken by J, my trusty kitchen and camera sidekick... except the gratuitous pizza shot, taken by my sister (who is also trusty).

Pie, Bomb, Ride

Today is all about The [Cherry].

I know you want to be best friends with him after seeing what is quite possibly the funniest picture of all time, but back off. I called it first!


I don't know how he found my blog (how DID you find my blog, Cherry?) but for me, it was love at first comment. Or maybe the love came a little bit later, I'm not sure. It could have been curiosity at first comment. Hoping to randomly bump into him in the grocery liquor store at first comment? Wishing he was my next door neighbor at first comment? I don't know. It was SOMETHING at first comment, and I immediately became addicted to his blog. He's funny, he's smart, he's charming, he's ADORABLE (I can't believe I left that out this morning!) and he's okay with me stalking him, which is probably only because he once stalked Crowded House's Neil Finn and knows the reaction should be flattery and not a restraining order. He's also a fan of Little Britain, which makes him the... hmmm, let me count... ONLY person I know who would get it if I said, "What a kerfuffle!"

It wasn't long after commenting on each other's blogs that personal e-mails were exchanged, activity coordination was attempted and a general feeling that being new BFFs was inevitable, but our connection was cemented the day I saw this post title on his blog:


Soulmates! The rest of you realize that I named this ENTIRE blog after my love for H.O.B., right?!


So Cherry, while you're off sunning yourself in the park today, I hope the person I sent to spank you does the job right. Next year, when we actually have photos together, your birthday post will be more entertaining for the masses. Until then, you're my favorite person I've never met... and my BFF come Fall when we're both in town at the same time and can actually meet up at House of Blues (or wherever!) as is suggested here:




I'll bring the birthday candles if you bring the Pancake Puffs:


I'm using the spanish commercial here because I love how the voiceover guy says, "Pancake POOF"


[Happy] Birthday, Cherry! If I was Sara Bareilles, I'd bring over cupcakes & make you a casserole!

WELL GUESS WHAT BASTERT?

NOTE: I really, really needed some laughs this week, and what I'm about to share with you what did the trick; thanks to the voiceover dude, whoever he may be. Don't play around impressionable ears, or people who could fire you for cracking up. You've been warned.
_____

The House of Jules A.V. Club has never provided more laughs than in these 3 simple steps. What's that you say? H.o.J. has never even HAD an A.V. Club? Well, that previous statement is definitely true then, isn't it?


H.o.J A.V. Club Presents: 

A Dramatic Reading of a REAL Break-up Letter.

1). AUDIO: Click (or double-click if you have trouble) either play arrow on this Youtube video audio. I write audio because there isn't an actual video, it's just a very blurry version of the image in step 2. WITHOUT LISTENING TO THIS AUDIO, GOING ON TO STEP 2 IS  A WASTE OF YOUR TIME. STEPS 1 & 2 ARE REQUIRED FOR YOU TO COMPLETE STEP 3.


Your eyes are not deceiving you, the image is blurry. You only need this for audio anyway. Just relax & click (or double-click) play.


2). VISUAL: Click the below image to enlarge in a new window so you can read along with the dramatic re-enactment audio (from step 1). 

"You make me touch your hands for stupid reasons"

3). Laugh your ass off.

Forget Patrick Dempsey. This guy wins the award for "Best Man of Honor" ever.

Patrick Dempsey is hot and everything, but why did he agree to star in what looks to be a remake of a Julia Roberts movie? I didn't actually see it, so technically I shouldn't say anything, but I will anyway.

Dear PD,
Accepting a role in this movie was a horrible idea. You shouldn't have stooped to this level of paycheck-collecting. Call me before deciding to do something this transparent, as I would have talked you out of it. Your first clue should have been that they didn't cast the perfection that is Rupert Everett as the star's trusted sidekick. Women (and probably even some men) love you too much to be fooled by the premise of this movie as being a fresh idea in filmmaking.

It's not just this movie, though. I haven't even watched the past 2 seasons of your TV show because of this marked change in you. Somewhere along the line you lost your career joie de vivre; after the good old days when you inspired sheep jaded teenagers to do the African Anteater Ritual all the way to when you played the rejected "Mr. Perfect" proposing to Reece Witherspoon in Tiffany's. Something in your career path changed after that, and it makes me sad.

Long live the Ronald Miller days,
Jules

On that note, the following video of the best wedding toast ever is the antidote to the poison Hollywood is trying to infect the world, and certain better-than-that actor's resumes with. You can't beat it, and frankly, I wish some of the weddings I've been a bridesmaid in or even just been to as a guest in support of my friends would have featured some sort of song & dance number. I love you, all of my married friends, and I blame myself for not sneaking around behind your backs to come up with this idea for your own wedding receptions.

This real-life "Man of Honor" came up with the idea to surprise his best friend, the bride. Somehow, even though so many people were involved in the subsequent performance, it was kept secret from her as is proven by her reaction to everyone's participation. You know she's something special if they got her father-in-law and brothers involved. After seeing this, I'm now liable to audibly "booooo" the next boring wedding toast I hear (my apologies in advance if this happens during a toast you're making).

Look out whichever-one-of-you-is-next-down-the-aisle. We may not have spent our summers in musical theater camp or done dinner theater together in college, but if I have anything to say about it, you might just be in for something like this:


The sign he holds up at the beginning says, "Well, here we go! The story of Amy... (cue music)". You must at least hang on long enough for the dance break, in which they manage to squeeze in nods to at least 4 Broadway classics.

It blows my mind how much a full tank of gas costs, even for my Honda "34-miles-per-gallon" Civic

I didn't realize how many people feel exactly the same way about Hummers (the vehicle!) as I do. Don't get me wrong: I'm not even close to being a hardcore what-is-your-carbon-footprint-asking, green-lifestyle-preaching, Toyota-Prius-driving person, but owning a road beast like that seems like such an irresponsible waste. Every. Single. Time. I see someone driving by in an H2 (which actually happens a lot around here), my involuntary reaction is to roll my eyes and shake my head in disgust.

That should explain why someone who has been witness to this behavior (maybe a few too many times, but he says it's part of my charm!) knew sending me this link to F-YOU AND YOUR H2 would make me laugh my ass off. Make sure you click on the "Submissions" page to see some hilarious photos!

Thanks, B!

He’s very good at his job, which is all about selling people what they'll like by using imagery they can understand

Recently I had a really bad day (nothing to be *alarmed* about, just a bad day!) and some of my friends checked in to see how I was doing. They knew to do so not only because they're an intuitive lot, my group of peeps, but also because I sent out a mass e-mail to everyone, which may or may not have included the following:

If I get through this day, it will be an actual miracle that I will credit it to any and all of the tipples I've been....tippling. If there is any love in your heart for me, you will think of something supportive, something kind, something witty, or simply something that doesn't sound like a critique on the way I have glasses arranged in my kitchen cabinets; and you'll leave this gem of positivity on my voicemail or in my inbox. Then I'll have more people besides the Robert Mondavi Winery to send thank you notes to next week.


I got plenty of amazingly supportive responses, and I appreciated them all because they were as varied as the personalities of the people I surround myself with. One of these responses made me laugh so hard, though, that I had to share it with you.

What you need to know as background information is that this person makes their living educating people on pairing wine with food (or in my case, wine with whining). This was his response:

Get away from Mondavi and branch out to Argentina's Gascon Malbec 2006. Same idea, better state of mind (think Javier Bardem in leather and smoke with a whole lot of berries). You will not be disappointed.


This is a person who KNOWS exactly how to describe wine in terms I can understand and appreciate. Telling me that a certain wine tastes like Javier Bardem looks in leather? Suddenly I felt MUCH better.

Even with all that distance between us, we have remained the closest of friends

Back in 1982, my family moved from Chicago to Tennessee and I was having a difficult time adjusting to my new 3rd grade class. One morning as I was getting on the school bus, which should have been a simple act but instead brought me great anxiety, I saw a girl holding something that caught my eye and before I knew what was happening, I stopped on my way down the aisle to say something.

Me: "That's the coolest parrot puppet I've EVER seen!" (Because, you know, I had seen lots of parrot puppets by then.)

Girl: "Thanks, I brought it for show & tell! You wanna sit here?"

That was the last day I ever felt anxious about getting on the bus.



1984; Three years into our friendship, in 6th grade, we finally get into the same homeroom... and it was glorious.


Today is her 35th birthday, one quarter of a century after we met; and we owe the longest-lasting and best friendship ever known to a parrot puppet. A puppet that had been safely tucked away for years when she surprised me by sending it for my 25th birthday gift, and the very same puppet that I gifted back at her baby shower in 2004, with the hopes that one day her baby-to-be would decide to take it to school and along the way make a lifelong friend.


1986; By 8th grade we were cool enough to score the highly coveted back seat on the bus. I think her "Members Only" jacket had something to do with that, though.


For part of her birthday gift this year, I've spent days (literally, days!) going through old photos and even my old negatives so that I could create an online album that spanned the years and covered some of our travels. I should have started this project sooner, really; but in the end I think what I put together is a decent enough representation.


1999, her wedding day. As tradition dictates, we needed a self-portrait to mark the occasion.

We've traveled all over the globe together and it's truly remarkable how many of our photos are self-timer or self-portrait shots. Also just as remarkable: how bad our hair was. I could write a bunch of stories about things we've done or places we've been but I think the photos speak for themselves. Looking at how I captioned some of them, I think there's something everybody will enjoy:

*The first and last time your mom let us decorate for a party
*Chippendale: Not just a type of antique furniture
*Because we put the "tramp" in trampoline
*Horn E. Coyote
*We're no Corey Hart
*Not the first or last time you'd lick a drummer in a darkened van
*Hold the sugar and just pour some pants on us. No, really.
*It's amazing we didn't turn into Skid Hos
*God save the Queen, and this dance
*Check Out This Mothertrucker, Parts 1 & 2
*That settles it, I'm NEVER leaving Venice.
*Caught making out with a stranger again, but in my defense, he totally started it
*The puppet responsible (for the friendship, not the pregnancy)
*If this isn't an advertisement for reproduction, I don't know what is.

We haven't actually lived in the same state since we were in 9th grade, but have always made it a point to call and write regularly; and get together at least once a year. We either visit each other's city or meet up someplace else, but no matter where we are in the world, it's always like being home again.


Happy 35th birthday, St-End; with love from your Be-Fri.
Here's your online album for all to enjoy: BFFs since 1982! (click here)


By the way, I totally recommend going through old photos, just apologize to your neighbors in advance. You will be laughing very loudly if your photos look anything like ours.

Public Service Announcement: The best way to tell someone off, today, forever and always

My new favorite phrase is a memorable movie quote, and I have put it to use the past few months--most recently, last night when I got cut off in traffic. The guy driving like a jerk didn't hear me, but I sure felt better having said it.

Coincidentally, when I got home I caught a rerun of a sitcom that Gene Wilder was on, which made me wonder if anyone had posted the particular Willy Wonka scene with said phrase on YouTube. I shouldn't have wondered. Of course it was there, and now it's here not only for your enjoyment, but more importantly, for you to learn the best way to tell someone off.

I highly recommend saying this as much as possible. It will make you feel so much better. It's good in many varied situations and I always end up smiling after I say it, even if only on the inside. If it's not possible for you to say it without losing your job or your spouse filing for divorce-- just THINK it to yourself!


You really haven't lived until you've ended a tension-filled moment with this phrase. Even more satisfying: saying it directly to, or in regards to, a female. Nothing, not even the big "F/U", can beat this.

I promise, the frustration you feel will magically lift from your body and fly away, most likely landing on the people who haven't read this educational post on my blog. You're welcome.

I'm going to have to work on a t-shirt design for this. Will keep you updated.