Psssst!

Until I get back in the swing of full-form blogging, you can read what I've been writing at my secret spot by clicking HERE. There's already 50-something posts over there! You didn't want to get any work done today anyway, right?

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Public Service Announcement: The difference between bad & good baby gifts

Before reading any further, take a deep breath.

Please remember that I have a good sense of humor, and know that I understand the idea of the joke for stuff like this, I really do. However, you'll never convince me that it's actually funny, or cute, or charming in any way:


So many questions, starting with why would you spend money on these kinds of things? and for who? and why?!

Take it in. "My Mom is Hot"? "My Dad's a HOTTIE"? Dumb. Do. Not. Buy.

The parents of my favorite twins are, to be sure, HOTTIES... but their kids don't need bibs embroidered with those sentiments, and it's not because they're too mature or uptight. When the 3 of us are together, most of our time is spent working as many "That's what he said/That's what she said" responses into a conversation as possible.

Being a good gift-giver takes thoughtfulness, time, research, and taking personality/likes into account. I pride myself on it. Finding the perfect gift for the people in my life offers up a satisfaction I can hardly describe, but if there is a word for smugness you keep to yourself*, that would be the exact feeling I get every time.

The following is the right move to make when your friends have kids. Trust. Especially if they're adorable twins**. What we have here are the girl and boy versions of "Conserve Water! Drink Chocolate Milk." t-shirts from Target. I bought them both too-adorable-for-words jeans from Target, too. His were just plain dark denim, and hers had that girly cut with pink embroidery on the cute pockets (which you can kind of see in the last photo):


©HouseofJulesPhotography. All rights reserved.


©HouseofJulesPhotography. All rights reserved.


One parting shot of little Miss Thang, working her new outfit from Aunt Julesie:

©HouseofJulesPhotography. All rights reserved.

I didn't spent a truckload of cash, either. Both outfits (2 shirts + 2 jeans) cost less than $30 TOTAL.


*Though technically, by writing this post I'm no longer keeping it to myself!

**It's surprising how many people ask if they're identical. Identical twins are IDENTICAL, which means that if one is a boy and one is a girl, there is no scientifically possible way they could be.

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Public Service Announcement: After today, every time someone tags me, a butterfly loses it's ability to, uh... fly.

I've gotten tagged twice in the past week, and not in the good way (sorry, I couldn't resist). While I'm flattered when this happens (because it means they're interested in my answers, right?), my first instinct is to yell, "NO! NO! NO!" because I wonder if it's interesting reading for the majority of you. Having an actual conversation about these topics, I think, would be fun, but reading them? I don't know. Is it good for you? If you're not into it and would prefer I stick to my usual non-tagged posts, please let me know in the comments if for nothing else than I can hold it up as an example the next time someone tags me. In effect, I'll have YOU to blame. Thanks.

My mind is a steel trap, so I have not forgotten that I still owe a couple of people responses on previous tags. I will get to those, eventually, unless someone insists in the comments that I stop this sort of thing immediately if not sooner.

Without further ado...

I was tagged by the fabulous Kris (Chasing Fireflies) to write about my favorite quote, though the person who tagged her commented on HER post that it was supposed to be a favorite book tag. I actually have more quote books (yes, books full of quotes) than I care to admit; and I also have too many favorite books to hold only one in my highest regard, so I'll do my own version of this tag and give you one of my favorite passages from one of my favorite books, okay? OK. Warning in advance, the language is SALTY, so if you have virgin eyes, skip this next part.

Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris
This is from the chapter called "You Can't Kill The Rooster", featuring his street-wise younger brother Paul's hilarious antics and filthy mouth.

When a hurricane damaged my father's house, my brother rushed over with a gas grill, three coolers full of beer, and an enormous F**k-It Bucket— a plastic pail filled with jawbreakers and bite-sized candy bars. "When sh*t brings you down, just say 'f**k it,' and eat yourself some motherf**king candy."

If you haven't read this book, you should get your ass to Amazon, pronto. You can thank me later, with some candy.

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I was also tagged by the lovely Christy (Heavy on the Caffeine) to answer questions all having to do with the number 5. What made me laugh about this tag is that there are 8 questions. Does anyone else see the humor in that?

1) What were you doing 5 years ago?

Hmmm... 2003 was a big year for weddings and traveling; and traveling to get to weddings. I was also going to bachelorette parties, Karaoke-ing for the first time (at least the first time I did it ON PURPOSE), driving my friend Em's Mini Cooper around California in a road rally with other college friends, being surrounded by those same tuxedo-clad friends in one big group hug at a wedding, riding the huge ferris wheel (or as I like to call it: The Wheel of Death™) on the Santa Monica Pier, drinking Pacifico beer with my friends on Pacific Beach at Lahaina's (the best deck-in-the-sand bar in San Diego). There was also getting flown in by one of my favorite people in the galaxy, Mel, to be at one of my other favorite people in the galaxy's 30th luau, getting blown away by the surprise party my sister & Bro-in-Law threw for me. Then I spent time in NYC going to concerts like David Bowie and The Red Hot Chili Peppers and also enjoying post-show rooftop picnics; vacationing with the other members of The Fab Five at the Hard Rock Hotel in Florida, and finally ringing in the new year with some my college friends.

There may have also been some fuzzy cranium rubbing (aww yeah) and miscellaneous tongues involved in separate incidences, but you know, those are things that still (thankfully) happen for me. No, I don't have photographic evidence of EVERYTHING.

Here are 19 photos from 2003. If you let the little hand icon linger over each thumbnail before clicking on it, you'll see the caption, in case you aren't clear what is going on in the photo. Then click to see it all big-like. ("all big-like"? See? This is what tagging does to me. I start talking like David Sedaris' brother.)




2) What are/were 5 things on your to-do list today?

-Wake up (some people don't bother to put that on their TTD lists, but I say any job I can cross out as soon as my eyes flutter open is a job well done)

-Laundry/cleaning up the literal HOJ

-Mailing the winners of my HOJ Humpday contest their prizes. It's only been 2 months.

-Return some calls and e-mails that I haven't been able to get around to.

-Track down & scan some photos I have for my friend Nic's husband Tim

I got all of that done, as well as something that wasn't on my list: pulling 1/2 way into my parking spot at 9 a.m. and then pulling right the hell back out of it; then driving around in the beautiful weather for 45 minutes (gas prices be damned). This was just to avoid my neighbor who walks his cat--sometimes on a leash-- usually right outside of my door. I'm sad to say that I've done that more than once. He's a nice guy, but sometimes it's just too early in the day for me to deal with cats. Actually, there's never a good time of day for me to deal with cats.

3) What are 5 of your bad habits?

-Procrastination, though sometimes I use the excuse that I'm at my best under pressure. See also, Time Management Skills.

-I've been known to over-think certain situations/topics. Is that really a bad habit, though? (Oops, I'm over-thinking again).

-My nails go to hell when I'm under pressure. See also, Procrastination.

-I seem to be incapable of keeping my bedroom closet organized.

-Not getting as much sleep as I need to function at 100%.

4) What are 5 places you've lived?

-Chicago
-Texas
-Tennessee
-Wisconsin
-New York

5) What are 5 jobs you've had?

-High school job: Cashier/stocker at Hallmark
-College (school year job): K-mart electronics department (I was the only girl in the department, at the time it was a major coup)
-College (summer job): Chicago Bears training camp
-Real world job: Photographer
-Real world job: Graphic designer

6) What 5 snacks do you enjoy?

-tortilla chips
-salsa
-strawberries
-margaritas
-strawberry margaritas

Can you tell I didn't satisfy my mexican craving this weekend?

7) What 5 things would you do if you were a billionaire?

If I'm a billionaire I'm definitely going to be doing more than 5 things, but these are the top 5 on my list:

-Hire Suze Orman as my personal financial advisor

-Set up trusts for my family & friends

-Start a non-profit foundation for medical patient advocacy. Seeing all the red tape my friend Nic has dealt with in the past 2 years since she was diagnosed with cancer is so ridiculous & infuriating that there isn't even a word to describe it.

-Real estate! I'd buy my ideal arts & crafts-style Chicago Bungalow (or as my nephews & I call it: The Funkalow), a brownstone in NYC, a house in San Francisco, a pied-á-terre in Paris, and a place to lay my head in Italy (preferably in some hot Italian man's lap, but I'd take a villa on the Amalfi coast). Then I'd get everyone I love to come along with me. On my jet. Which has hot international playboy flight attendants. Who don't file sexual harassment claims.

-Finance the making of "St. Elmo's Goonies Candles Club"; the continuation of four of my favorite 80's movies, St. Elmo's Fire, Goonies, 16 Candles and The Breakfast Club. It will be epic.

That last one is not only to make one of my dreams come true, but also proves to the haters that even if I'm rich as hell, I'm the same girl I always was.

8) What 5 people do you want to tag?

I won't tag you, but if you want to tag yourself, go right ahead!

Public Service Announcement: Rhythm is a dancer, but revenge is a bitch.

Ahhh, college kids today have it way too easy. They just have no idea the kinds of things we had to do back in the day (the 90's!) to get revenge on offensive neighbors. I mean, we had to really formulate a plan, be smart about it, you know? Think. Discuss. Experiment. THEN retaliate. There were late-night meetings involved at secret locations under the cover of darkness...

These days all you'd have to do to get back at an offensive neighbor would be to buy this CD:

The Revenge CD is a great way to get back at those noisy neighbors! Earplugs supplied for your listening pleasure.

Tracks include: Drill; Party (At Least 200 People); Train; Drum (Played by a Child); Inhuman Screams; Walking (High Heels); Domestic Squabble; Doors Banging; Bowling; Unhappy Dog; Practicing Scales (Violin); Traffic Jam; Garbage Truck; Phone Ringing; Ball Game; Pigeons; Spring Cleaning

This CD is of the "Give them a taste of their own medicine!" philosophy; and that is exactly why it's flawed. It's just too easy. Most of the sounds on this CD are likely what the purchaser is looking to retaliate against (and therefore probably won't offend the offenders); and the others are just weak! Pigeons? Spring cleaning? Please! I'm surprised their isn't a track called, "Blinking".

My floormates and I came up with a simple & effective fix we used during finals week in college when some inconsiderate jerks lived one floor up from us. We weren't bookworms by any stretch of the imagination, but there comes a point when it's just time to either study quietly or sleep. It was, after all, finals week-- and after an entire semester of blowing off classes, we had a lot of cramming to do.

After 3 nights of listening to them party with what must have been an entire troupe of Cirque de Soleil performers, we'd had enough and decided to pull out the big guns. We gathered our books together, put the below song on repeat, at the highest volume possible with the bass booming; locked our door and headed to the library for 6 hours.

You might listen to this song and think, "Hey, I used to love that one! It's not so bad!" but just imagine being subject to it over and over, hundreds of times, for 6 hours. Water torture would be a more attractive option, trust me. When we got back to our rooms, there was an apology note on each of our doors, and we never had trouble with them again.


Rhythm is a dancer, indeed. Revenge however, is a bitch.

Public Service Announcement: The best way to tell someone off, today, forever and always

My new favorite phrase is a memorable movie quote, and I have put it to use the past few months--most recently, last night when I got cut off in traffic. The guy driving like a jerk didn't hear me, but I sure felt better having said it.

Coincidentally, when I got home I caught a rerun of a sitcom that Gene Wilder was on, which made me wonder if anyone had posted the particular Willy Wonka scene with said phrase on YouTube. I shouldn't have wondered. Of course it was there, and now it's here not only for your enjoyment, but more importantly, for you to learn the best way to tell someone off.

I highly recommend saying this as much as possible. It will make you feel so much better. It's good in many varied situations and I always end up smiling after I say it, even if only on the inside. If it's not possible for you to say it without losing your job or your spouse filing for divorce-- just THINK it to yourself!


You really haven't lived until you've ended a tension-filled moment with this phrase. Even more satisfying: saying it directly to, or in regards to, a female. Nothing, not even the big "F/U", can beat this.

I promise, the frustration you feel will magically lift from your body and fly away, most likely landing on the people who haven't read this educational post on my blog. You're welcome.

I'm going to have to work on a t-shirt design for this. Will keep you updated.

Public Service Announcement: You should definitely ask your doctor about this

After a very long road with speed bumps galore, last night I FINALLY (for the 3rd time! It's a long story) completed the photo editing/layout for the cover AND the guts (VERY fancy industry term for "inside pages". Try to keep up!) of my sister's fabulous book last night. More on that exciting news at a later date!

Afterwards, I almost called up my good friend Dr. Stacey Hoff (we've been friends for 20 years, and she knows me well) for a prescription for the product in the below youtube video, but two important things stopped me:

1) It's my practice to never "Hassle the Hoff". Especially by calling her and saying, "I hope I'm calling at a good time and that I'm not hassling the Hoff." She LOVES that!



2) I'm over 21. I don't need a stinking prescription! I can walk right into any liquor store (or "church", as my friend Jenny calls them) and pick up a bottle whenever I want. I decided against it though, because I have some unbelievably great Extra Viejo Brugal rum ("Viejo" is spanish for old or worn out-- which is exactly what I felt like last night!) that I brought back from the Dominican Republic last year that is perfect for this kind of occasion.


If you don't have your very own Dr. Hoff or some Brugal rum on hand, I think you should talk to your doctor about this. It will surely come in handy in many situations:

The side effects and warnings are the best parts of this whole thing.

Public Service Announcement: A concise list of things that should be retitled "You're Gonna Cry", because it's more honest

TV: Extreme Home Makeover

Music: EVERYTHING that ever came out of Jeff Buckley's mouth