WELL GUESS WHAT BASTERT?

NOTE: I really, really needed some laughs this week, and what I'm about to share with you what did the trick; thanks to the voiceover dude, whoever he may be. Don't play around impressionable ears, or people who could fire you for cracking up. You've been warned.
_____

The House of Jules A.V. Club has never provided more laughs than in these 3 simple steps. What's that you say? H.o.J. has never even HAD an A.V. Club? Well, that previous statement is definitely true then, isn't it?


H.o.J A.V. Club Presents: 

A Dramatic Reading of a REAL Break-up Letter.

1). AUDIO: Click (or double-click if you have trouble) either play arrow on this Youtube video audio. I write audio because there isn't an actual video, it's just a very blurry version of the image in step 2. WITHOUT LISTENING TO THIS AUDIO, GOING ON TO STEP 2 IS  A WASTE OF YOUR TIME. STEPS 1 & 2 ARE REQUIRED FOR YOU TO COMPLETE STEP 3.


Your eyes are not deceiving you, the image is blurry. You only need this for audio anyway. Just relax & click (or double-click) play.


2). VISUAL: Click the below image to enlarge in a new window so you can read along with the dramatic re-enactment audio (from step 1). 

"You make me touch your hands for stupid reasons"

3). Laugh your ass off.

Stealing Pies, Hearts, Bases

September, 2003. With my 2 favorite bookends (at 5'5", I'm not as short as the 5'11" Staci and 6'1" Emily make me look), at Emily's 30th birthday party. The three of us have been friends since 1991, so you can take it as gospel when I say that Em is refined and classy even when she's not sporting that tiara. Except when she's had tequila. Staci is always sweet and empathetic, except when you're an adult who acts like a whiny baby and she's your orthodontist (Luckily, my teeth were straightened a long time ago).



Later that same night with Debbie, another tall drink of water who happens to be one of Emily's 7 sisters; all of whom I adore. Deb has that shirt on because of the "wear something tropical, it's a luau!" theme, so she dressed accordingly. I mistakenly thought it was a "match the interior of Emily & Mel's den, and while you're at it, flirt with the bartender Emily & Mel hired" theme, so I dressed and was served really good drinks accordingly. In our own special ways, we're both excellent at adhering to party theme requests.


Staci & I met Debbie's husband Adam for the first time that night. He was warm, charming, and exactly the kind of man who inspires you (after 2 minutes in his presence) to say to his wife/your friend, "He's a keeper!". Not only do you say it, but you also MEAN IT.

Everyone at the party was enjoying the unconventional birthday PIES that Emily requested her husband Mel have the place stocked with. Shortly thereafter, Staci & I headed to the guest room for something. Debbie and Adam joined us, and we discussed how surprisingly great the pies were; that it must be a California thing. Adam noticed on our way through the kitchen that there was only one pie left, and he broke this news to us gently.

Staci & I feigned tears, joking about how we were out-of-town weekend guests at the house and all the locals were eating what we hoped would be our morning hangover cure. This meant we'd possibly have to consider cutting back on our alcohol intake or something else "mature" to avoid being out of commission when the sun came up. Without another word Adam left the room while the 3 ladies continued discussing serious topics, like how the hot bartender is only bartending until he gets discovered, something you never hear people say in California.

A few minutes later, Adam came back in the guest room, closing the door behind him. He had been in the kitchen, stealing that last pie for Staci & I, and it was exactly in that moment that he stole our hearts, too.


Debbie, Adam, and the stolen pie. Our hearts were quick to follow.


Adam is not only an accomplished thief of pies & hearts, but also a published author. The Boston Globe just wrote THIS great story on Adam. He has 2 upcoming events in the Boston area, in which he will read from his own work and that of other contributors to the "Fenway Fiction" series. Books will be available for purchase and signing.

Rounder Books is pleased to announce the release of "Further Fenway Fiction", an anthology of Red Sox short stories, edited by Adam Emerson Pachter. "Further Fenway Fiction" follows-up "Fenway Fiction" which Yankee Magazine called “delightful.” These two collections of short stories are the first all-fiction anthologies inspired by the Boston Red Sox. The stories look at the Red Sox through humor, drama, mystery--and even a bit of Shakespeare. “…[Adam Emerson] Pachter drew on a very real passion for the Sox, added a bit of imagination, and hit a home run with a truly unique collection.”

Baseball Fever at Livewires
Tuesday, May 13 at 10:00 a.m. (tomorrow!)
Reading Public Library
64 Middlesex Avenue, Reading MA 01867
Come early for coffee!

Adam Emerson Pachter at WPL
Thursday, May 29 at 7:30 p.m.
Westborough Public Library
55 West Main Street, Westborough, MA 01581


Be sure to tell him his Chicago partner in pie-crime says hi!


Get "Fenway Fiction" HERE


Get "Further Fenway Fiction" HERE

Wooooo, it's getting serious up in here!

Thursday's post led to some great back-and-forth in the comments, so I'm going to hold off on a new post until tomorrow or Monday. Feel free to join us with your 2 cents in yesterday's comments!

I know, I said, "back-and-forth"!

An Englishman in New York (and D.C., and back to New York; then finally home to Paris!)

I have a recap and an update from THIS TEASER POST for you... and what an update it is! Just sit back, relax, and read on. But first, let me set the mood by reminding you of one thing from last month. I have never written truer words than these:

You know my crazy plans, don't you? The ones in which I attempt to bend space and time and break every rule of gravity and all human expectation to get something somewhere on the tightest of deadlines; and they never, ever go smoothly, but they almost always have a positive end result? Yes, those are the plans of which I speak.

Back in October, I wrote THIS POST about a newly published book that I was drooling over and had just ordered. Sure, the post was also a thinly veiled excuse to write about how hot Javier Bardem is, but it was mostly about the book and how brilliant the person who came up with the idea to create such a book must be. A few days later, he came across my blog and I got a hilarious e-mail from him (the author, not Javier Bardem...yet), which I posted HERE.

Once I received the books--one for me and one for a gift--I wrote to ask if I sent him the books with a stamped return envelope, would he be cool with signing them for me? I give you the following e-mail excerpts (believe it or not, I cut some things out!) from the adventure that was to be. You'll have to read it yourself (click on the images to enlarge, obviously) to believe it:


A continuation of the previous posted emails between us, in which I ask if he'd be willing to sign my copy and the one I bought as a gift for a friend, along with his response that he was in NYC for a short time, then off to Washington DC, then back to NYC for a few days; and finally will be flying home to Paris; but that he'd be glad to meet me in NYC for a one-person book signing! Too bad I don't live in NYC anymore.



The short timeframe (he leaves the country in 6 days, and will not be in one place throughout that time for long!) will prove to be less of a problem than all the other obstacles, like the USPS and a forgotten-about-until-it's-too-late holiday weekend. I will have to overnight the books for delivery at the NYC location where he won't even be at until he returns from Washington D.C. It's going to be a real shot-in-the-dark for this to actually happen, which is okay with me because I like a challenge. He's game for it as well!



I email him with the overnighted package's tracking number and alert him that unfortunately, even though I checked off that it could be left without signature, that the post office did NOT follow those instructions and it would be held for pickup at the post office for 5 days, after which it'll be returned to sender. He'll be leaving the country before that time, so this is a problem; however he generously suggests that one of the friends he is staying with might be able to hit the post office on his lunch break to pick it up for Mark (who has a meeting and won't be able to get there himself), and then writes, "Don't worry, I'm sure we'll sort it out!"



This has officially turned into a comedy of errors. I called the post office hotline and am reminded that it's a holiday weekend (Veteran's Day), which means NO MAIL SERVICE, and he leaves for Paris in just over 24 hours. Things are looking grim, but I knew going in that it would not be easy to make this happen. Even at the end, if getting the books signed didn't work out, I'd have a fantastic story, I have made a new friend, and I totally appreciate the rarified experience for what it was! Once again, Mark bends over backward to reassure me that he's in this with me. If he didn't have a sense of humor, this would not have been the case.



We've realized that an exchange of cell phone numbers might help in the 'synchronization of our watches' (so to speak) and trying to stay one step ahead of the barrier that is the USPS. Seems as if the eventuality of mailing them to him once he returns to Paris would have been easier than all of this ridiculousness, and yet still, he laughs it off. This man should be cloned.



I made early morning phone calls to 2 different NYC post offices to find out where the books are being held, and how I can make it as simple as possible for Mark to pick them up. By this time, he has only mere hours before he's on a plane and has many other things he could be doing with his remaining time in Manhattan. His only real concern at this point is not how much energy he's put into this caper for a perfect stranger, but if he'll be able to retrieve the package from the post office himself because the addresses on the package (his friend's apartment) and on his ID (from home) will not match; wonders if he'll have to get plastic surgery to look like the people who live in said apartment (upon reading that very descriptive hilarity, I laugh & spit out the orange juice I was drinking). Also, he apologizes to ME because of the "drama" of the situation. It's very possible that he is superhuman.



I assure him that his name is, in fact, on the mailing label and I did confirm with the post office that as long as he had his ID, he'd have no problem with it being released to him. By now our emails mostly consist of apologizing back and forth.



He emails, "...the job is done!!!!", but what he had to actually go through once at the post office is beyond my comprehension. I can't even sum it up in this caption. You'll have to click on this image to read it for yourself. I can't believe he went through all of that trauma right before he had to hop a flight back home. His generosity with the small amount of personal time he had in the past 6 days blows my mind, and I'm absolutely convinced that even the people who love me the most in the world probably would have given up days ago (except my sister).



Mark checking in from Paris, wondering if I've gotten the books yet.



The books arrive!



Mark e-mails to tell me that in the hour after I wrote THIS post, naming his book as one of "My Favorite Things", it jumped 99 spots up the Amazon charts (which he credits to you, the House of Jules readers)!.



Success!



"For Jules, Hope this gives you something truly drool-worthy! Bravo on getting them here, Mark Ovenden"


Not only did I get an incredible book signed by the author; but I gained a lot of faith in mankind (and a new friend!). There really are people in the world who will agree that what you're going to try might be a little bit crazy and close to impossible, but they're willing to go along for the ride with you. They're ready to make an attempt at bending space and time, breaking every rule of gravity and all human expectation; and that my friends, is what life is all about.



Yes, that REALLY is my Amazon.com review of his book. REALLY.



Click HERE to order Mark's book, Transit Maps of the World!

One of my Favorite Things can actually be yours, and you should order it today!

Mark Ovenden's Transit Maps of the World; the one thing in this photo I really, really want to share with you; though I expect you to buy your own copy.

My new favorite person is Mark Ovenden, the brilliant mastermind behind my new favorite book, Transit Maps of the World. His book probably sounds familiar to you because I wrote about it HERE, HERE and HERE.

I received the copies I ordered (for myself and for holiday gifts) last week, and it totally exceeded my expectations. The graphic design elements of the book and the maps therein really highlight the actual artistry of cartography. It is an excellent gift idea for anyone-- from your parents who like to travel, to your artsy designer friends, to your brother the engineer, your best friend the environmental activist (who for years has lectured everyone in earshot that if people who had access to mass transit used it--instead of using their own vehicles--the planet would be better off) and even your impossible-to-buy-for Uncle, the model train enthusiast. It's a truly fascinating and unique buy, even if it's for yourself.

Trust me, if I were to let you hold my copy in your hands you'd want to take it home with you, and maybe even make out with it a little. Or is that just me? Okay, maybe that's just me:


Yes, that REALLY is my Amazon.com review. REALLY.


At minimum, you'll want your own copy, so buy it today through Amazon and help my new favorite person boost his book up towards the New York Times Bestsellers list. For more information, read this e-mail I just got from him:

Transit Maps of the World has today been mentioned in THIS New York Times book review, in a article by William Grimes called “From the Glove Compartment to the Shelf".

I’m writing to ask you a huge favor: In order to get into the “New York Times Bestsellers Paperback Non-Fiction” chart a book has to reach at least around #140 in overall sales on Amazon.com, on any one day! If lots of people log on to Amazon today and buy a copy then there’s a chance we could get into that bestsellers list! Being able to claim that one of your works has been a “New York Times Bestseller” is a huge honor and as you might imagine, a tremendous boost for any author.

Therefore if you were even remotely considering buying a copy online at any time...TODAY’S THE DAY! If at all possible do order one today as it could make the most enormous difference to the future for my writing work, not to mention further elevate interest in the recent debate about the New York Subway map, and transit and cartography in general!

Sorry to trouble you during the holiday period, but we freelance authors need to be shameless self-promoters!

Drool.

If you order a copy from Amazon today and help my new favorite person, I'll make out with you! (Just kidding--unless you're Jeremy Piven, Javier Bardem, Antonio Banderas, or Olivier Martinez--and if that's the case then you should already know by now that book is not required). However, when the book arrives at your door from Amazon, it's all yours, if you know what I'm sayin', and I think you do.

Click HERE to order!

I'll take my Favorite Things over Oprah's any day; also see: anytime, anyplace.

My parents have completed most of their drive north from Tennessee to Chicago, putting them 3 short hours away from the non-virtual House of Jules; where they'll be staying for the next 5 days. It's already 10pm and I have yet to do some very key things before they arrive.

For instance, I need to make it look like I could eat off my kitchen floor if I wanted to, and not so much like I actually DO. You understand.

On that note, here is today's shorter-than-usual-but-hopefully-still-entertaining post. I was prompted by a comment made on yesterday's post by Stacey, (Thanks, Nurse-Dr. Stace!) and then my reaction to it; in addition to the fact that today Oprah aired her annual "Favorite Things" show:

Stacey: I'm picturing Oprah's couch when your blog lands you on her show. Javier Bardem, Pivs, Baio, Macchio, Mike Rowe. It's only a matter of time, so I totally call the chick-she-talks-to-in-the-front-row seat... you've gotta call shotgun quick around here.

Me: Funny you should write that, because with the addition of Antonio Banderas and Olivier Martinez, it’s exactly how I picture MY OWN couch looking one day! Just me and my “Favorite Things”.

My Favorite Things, based on what I've both written about and drooled over; be it in public or in private. (counterclockwise, on my actual brand new living room furniture--though not my actual living room): Mark Ovenden's Transit Maps of the World (Filled with ALL the transit maps of! the! world! THE WORLD, I say! Take a minute to think about how cool that is and you might be surprised to find yourself drooling), Olivier Martinez, Javier Bardem, Ralph Macchio, Jeremy Piven, Scott Baio, Dirty Job's Mike Rowe, and finally, splaying himself out on the ottoman like a Beefcake-Buffet: Antonio Banderas. The thing about a Banderas Buffet? He's so hot there's no need for a warming tray. Rawrr!

Fun with alliteration: Reading, (W)riting, and 'rithmatic Remembering Ruby

There is a write-up on my sister's book, Remembering Ruby: For Families Living Beyond the Loss of a Pet, in today's newspaper, and my design work even scored a mention! Click on the image to see it up close and personal:


She's ready for her close-up, Mr. DeMille.

If you haven't already purchased a copy (or 10), here's your friendly reminder that it will make a great holiday gift for everyone on your list! Just click on the direct link to her Amazon.com page in the right column of my blog (just scroll down a little bit... you can't miss it)!

To read more on the book, click here.

Because you'll never get what you don't ask for

I learned at a very young age that you'll never get what you don't ask for. That doesn't imply that you always get everything, but you have a far greater chance at getting something by speaking up than by silently wishing for it. Take that knowledge along with a sense of humor, and you have the tools you need to live a good life, trust me.

Case in point: there is a certain someone who is in New York City right now, today, going out of his way to do something very special for me before he jets back home to Paris. He is a VIP and easily has many more important things he could be doing with his time, things that make him money and bring him more fame; but he's a genuinely good person with a sense of humor; who has been in cahoots with me from the moment I hatched another one of my crazy plans.

You know my crazy plans, don't you? The ones in which I attempt to bend space and time and break every rule of gravity and all human expectation to get something somewhere on the tightest of deadlines; and they never, ever go smoothly, but they almost always have a positive end result? Yes, those are the plans of which I speak.

Because of Mr. X's willingness to go above and beyond, it might actually work out today. That is, if the United States Post Office can play nice. Fingers crossed. If all goes well, I'll have the full details early next week, and it's easily one of my favorite life experiences to date.


Thanks again to Mr. X, who made me spill orange juice all over myself this morning because of his hilarious email.

Now all that's left to do is wait for the e-mail from Javier Bardem. He's probably typing it up right now, or maybe he's ordering me some flowers.

After Wednesday's post, I got an email from the gentleman who created the drool-worthy Transit Maps of the World book, Mark Ovenden. Not only is he very talented in design and cartography, but he's also good at crafting a hilarious e-mail!


You're not alone, Mark! People always marvel at my ability to drool effervescently on such diverse subjects.


After recovering from a fit of laughter, I wrote him back:


Let it be known to one and all that I take very seriously both the studies and appreciation of graphic design and spanish hunkology. I've been kind of a trailblazer in that realm for a long time and I don't think people give me enough credit for it, to be honest.**

**Just kidding, people give me PLENTY of credit, or shall I say "crédito".

CLICK HERE for Wednesday's post that Mark refers to in his e-mail to me.

I'm one of the people the reviewer is writing about if you replace Courtney Love with Javier Bardem. I'd like to know all-things-obscene about him.

Especially since every single salacious thing about Courtney Love has already been exposed. Yes, I would be the first in line to buy a book filled with all the dirty little (and big) secrets of Javier Bardem; oh, and also a book filled with maps of every subway/tube system in the world! What took so long for the latter to happen, and how long must I wait for the former? Somebody please get to work on that! I'm salivating already.

But in the meantime...


Drool.

Subway Hounds Rejoice: New Book Provides Every Transit Map in the World
by Marty Jerome

Believe it or not, there are people who will sink into this book as if it were a salacious biography of Courtney Love (Javier Bardem!). Mark Ovenden has pulled together both historic and current maps of every rapid-transit system in the world. The maps cover more than 200 megacities as well as smaller urban areas, including Bilbao, Bucharest, Oslo, Toronto and Vienna. It includes maps for cities that use light rail systems, monorail services and hybrid tram-trains. And oddly, they're beautiful. Even the casual browser who hates mass transit will find the graphics, symbols and colors of these maps to be engrossing.

Transit Maps of the World is the first and only comprehensive collection of historic and current maps of every rapid-transit system on earth. Using glorious, colorful graphics, Ovenden traces the history of mass transit-including rare and historic maps, diagrams, and photographs, some available for the first time since their original publication. Transit Maps is the graphic designer’s new bible, the transport enthusiast’s dream collection, and a coffee-table essential for everyone who’s ever traveled in a city.

OK, you caught me! Javier Bardem doesn't have much to do with this particular post, really. But I AM working on one for another night that is more involved and has everything to do with him (swoon!), so I suppose he was just on the brain. However, he does in fact make me drool, and the Transit Maps of the World book makes me drool a little, though admittedly for different reasons. But again, that has nothing to do with this particular post.


Double drool. By the way, I can already hear my friends laughing because he is SO obviously my type (Tall? check! Dark? check! Hot? check! English-as-a-second-language? check!) that it seems almost silly to dedicate not only one blog post but another one (upcoming) to him in the same week. In my defense, a man this hot bears repeating y usted sabe que tengo razón (and you know I'm right)!

Melisa L. Wells: Ink Slinger Extraordinare

My sister Melisa L. Wells is now a published author! She poured her heart and soul into "Remembering Ruby: For Families Living Beyond the Loss of a Pet" and I DEMAND ENCOURAGE you to buy the book! You can either click on the amazon direct purchase link in the right column of my blog, or you can hop over to her blog and buy it there.

I'm so proud of her for continuing to set goals for herself toward reaching each of her dreams. She has always knocked over any obstacles unfortunate enough to be in her way, almost always with a sunshine-y smile on her face. I should know since when we were kids I was the obstacle getting knocked over! Bah-dum-bump!

She asked me to design the cover and inside layout of the book, and it was a truly priceless experience to work on a project like this special book together. She pretty much gave me free reign and that right there? That is the perfect client. You hear that, clients of mine? Take some notes from my sister, otherwise I'll send her to your offices and have her knock you over. You'll know it's her because the last thing you'll see is her sunshine-y smile:


Me, with the totally obtrusive inflatable arm floaties, and my sister with the sleek inflatable swan. Totally sums up our personalities. Bull in a china shop (me) and graceful ballerina-type (her). Here we are in the late 70's at our local country club. By "local" I mean our backyard, and by "country club" I mean a craptastic kiddie pool. Was that pool even deep enough to warrant my wearing floaties? Good times.


If she asked me to do another book with her tomorrow, I would. That's saying a lot after what we went through the past 10 months to get this one out into the world, which you can read ALL about on her blog. While you're there, buy the book!


We were put through the ringer to see this book go from my design files on my computer to the actual printed book, but as evidenced by this childhood photo of us, even in stormy weather we stand strong together under our umbrellas. Ellas. Ellas. Eh. Eh. Eh.


Here is the announcement my sister sent out to family and friends:

During the difficult time after our beagle Bijoux died in April 2003, I was unable to find a book on pet loss that our family could share. That summer, I wrote a book on the subject–geared towards families with young children–after it occurred to me that writing our story would be therapeutic while also helping other families going through the same thing.

I have been waiting to make this big announcement for a long time: as of last week, my book "Remembering Ruby: For Families Living Beyond the Loss of a Pet" was officially published!

The story, told from my son's point of view, is accompanied by black and white photographs. Because losing a pet is often the first time that children have to cope with death, I thought it important to include suggestions on helping children grieve in their own way, which you’ll find at the back of the book in the "Guide for Parents” section.

My sister Julie spent countless hours designing the interior of the book (and working other photo magic, like editing millions of dust particles out of some of my scanned photos) and she is also responsible for the absolutely stunning cover.

Speaking with many people about the process of publishing my book during the past year has reinforced my belief that “Remembering Ruby” fills a void in an often overlooked subject matter, and I hope that our family's story can help comfort other families that are dealing with the sadness of losing a pet.

Here’s your call to action: The book is now available online at amazon.com and barnesandnoble.com. Every good review will help promote “Remembering Ruby”, so if you buy the book, you can help me by writing an online review (of any length) on the “Remembering Ruby” page on either bookseller’s website. I am going to need a lot of word-of-mouth promotion for this. If you would be so kind, please pass this information on to as many people as you feel comfortable. I appreciate your help in spreading the word!

By the way, I have also been writing a blog about this journey, and Julie just gave the site an extreme makeover! According to my publisher, purchasing from and reviewing on amazon.com will boost the book's sales rating, and so Julie has installed a direct purchase link from my website. Click here to get to my blog: Remembering Ruby

I also want to thank everyone who has given me support and encouragement along the way; this is truly a dream realized and I couldn't be happier about how the book has turned out. I am very excited to share it with you and the rest of the world.

What are you still here for? Get over to her blog, already!