All his fancy book-learnin' and he still wouldn't know IRONY if it hit him in the mouth!

I need you to ignore the troubled female who is the topic of every media outlet in the universe and please focus on helping me understand why anyone would MAKE A PUBLIC STATEMENT on regretting the PREVIOUS PUBLIC STATEMENT:


Also "not helpful"? Another public statement.

Now is as good a time as any to share the importance of utilizing the occupational training (skills that pay the bills) of your friends to your own personal advantage. You have to pay them back in kind, though. I reimburse my friends with photography and design work or in charming witticisms, though I'm sure they'd prefer cash. 

I have two who most often answer the pressing questions that keep me awake at night. Staci (with an "i") is an orthodontist who always treats my frantic e-mails with the kind of respect that only someone with impeccable bedside manner and infinite patience is capable of. Especially because these e-mails usually begin with something like, "What in sam hell happened to the roof of this woman's mouth and could it have been caused by watching too much reality TV, because if so I could be in trouble, right!?" or "When you volunteered at that clinic, did you treat any meth addicts who smoked their own teeth because I just read an article about a man who actually did that and I am still in disbelief!?".

She should not be confused with Stacey (with an 'ey'), a nurse currently back in med school on her way to becoming a doctor. I talk to her about things like what it takes to REALLY impress Clooney and how doing Jägerbombs leads to *inappropriate touching (whatever THAT is). All weighty, far-reaching topics that Indiana University is bound to do research studies on, fingers crossed. I don't abuse their free advice and my questions are always of the utmost importance. Like the subjects of this trio of e-mails between Orthodontist-Staci and I:

Stac,
Please tell me, assuming that you can get past the enormity of his cranium, if any of Dr. Phil's chompers are real. While you're at it, why have Cruizazy's front teeth grown out of his noggin all shifted over sideways? Was it all the couch-jumping? Be honest.



Head size comparison to scale. Yes, Dr. Phil's is that enormous.

Jules,
Dr. Phil has had major dental work; probably a crown (cap) on EVERY. SINGLE. TOOTH. Tom Cruise is missing an upper left tooth near the front (I believe it's the upper left lateral incisor), so his dental midline is totally shifted over to the left. I don't know what those braces he had a while ago did, but it really didn't fix it. His teeth are still f**ked up.

Stac,
Do they make crowns that would fit over Dr. Phil's entire mouth (mustache and all) because he really could use one as a deterrent to making all of these regrettable public statements. In regards to Cruise: Interesting that his teeth and his public image continue to be equally f**ked up after making that regrettable public statement about Brooke Shield's postpartum depression. What can only be next for Dr. Phil is to take his own turn jumping on Oprah's couch. Oh wait, that's how he got his own talk show.

*For the record, I still call bullsh*t on the whole "inappropriate touching" thing.