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Thursday, January 17, 2008

It's just a simple case of mistaken identity

This was supposed to be one of those just between us nicknames that a man adoringly gives his woman, but I feel the need to go public with it since the following news story just broke in all the tabloids:


"Brunette and curvy?" Clearly this gossip is about me. Sadly, this is not the first or last time the media will confuse me with the Queen of Burlesque.

Yes, it's true. Jeremy calls me "Von Teese" "Von Tease" (in the privacy of our own home, I might add!) for two reasons. The first one is probably obvious, so I won't even spell that out for you. The second is because I bathe in a 4-foot martini glass.

Surely you can understand how this would be confusing for the gossip columnists.

Source

20 comments:

Don Mills Diva said...

You bathe in a martini glass TOO! We have so much in common!

Melissa said...

lol! Wow, where does one buy a 4 foot martini glass? So glad to hear the Piv is buying you a dress. Be sure to post a picture of you in it. ;)

The Fruitcake Lady said...

I'm so glad that someone I know has one of these! We've been wanting to install one for quite a while but, because of the conformity laws of our neighborhood association, are having difficulty figuring out how to get it into the house without cutting a hole in the wall. I heard that Bob "Cop-a" Feela had dedicated an entire episode of "This Old Whorehouse" to just this subject but I can't find it in their archives. Any suggestions? I've just been bathing in Boone's Farm because I can't bring myself to pour champagne in the tub and that just needs to end!

Jules said...

@DMDiva: The news that we have this in common does not surprise me in the least.

@Melissa: I stole mine after a night out on the town. I have an 8 foot purse so it wasn't as difficult as it sounds.

Jules said...

@FruitcakeLady: I'm so excited to see your first comment! Boone's Farm (Strawberry Hill, obvs) is a good starting point but I agree, you need to upgrade. Perhaps the husband can break out a blowtorch and get one of those "some assembly required" tubs that I've read about. You'd be surprised at how far they've come along since the first generation ones that were made of plastic wrap and scotch tape.

Spammon said...

I'll tell you what. If I caught Marilyn Mansons scraps floating around in my beverage, you better be sure I'd be on Valtrex for the next 10 years.

Jules said...

@Spammon: I can only assume that by scraps floating around in my beverage you mean olives, and I gotta know what you have against those. Also, may I remind you that the "VON TEESE" Jeremy mentioned was ME (and there is no valtrex needed in that case). See how confusing things get? This is how rumors get started.

Spammon said...

See, this is why people shouldn't share the same names with others. You should switch it up a little and have him call you "VON TEASE", or "VON TEETH". Then the tabloids won't associate you with the other one.

Jules said...

Ok, everybody must now address me as VON TEETH!!!

Kat said...

Where is that store that you can buy a 8ft purse in?
Methinks this one might just be able to hold all my stuff. Yay Jules now if you could only tell me how you got Jeremy to buy you that dress and then go tell my hubby....

The Fruitcake Lady said...

Dear Mith Von Teeth,
Thankth ever tho for the thuggethchion of the "thome athembly required tub". Dethpite my exthtenthive education in the dethign arena, thith wath new information to me! I have already ordered dothenthzof catalogth and am well on my way to more effervesthent bathing exthperienthes! (clearly, Von Teeth can not work, as it makes me want to say everything with a lithp, er, lisp. Please consider the VON TEASE alternative. Sounds much more naughty librarian anyhoo!)Oh, and do you think husband is going to feel I've stepped, uninvited, into his long-lost friend territory? I'd hate to do that.

Kristabella said...

Hahaha! I will never understand your obsession with him.

But may be because I'm tall and he's like 5-5.

Stac"ey" said...

You? Burlesque? I don't see it. And Fruitcake lady - tell hubby Too Damn Bad. We have way too much junior high ammo on him for him to win an argument anyway. And the lithp thing might have been one of the funniest comments I've read on this thing so far. :)

Jules said...

@Kat: I'll have Jeremy call your husband right away!

@Fruitcake Lady: It's a good thing that I wasn't at work reading your lithsped comment because that might have been embarrassing. You have made a very good case for the "VON TEASE" option, which I adopted shortly after declaring everyone call me "VON TEETH". Really, I answer to just about anything, so there you have it. As for your question about your husband; does this mean that he doesn't know you & I are now BFFs? I don't know if I have enough wine on hand to endure another traumatic phone call with him, and I don't know if your dog can take being a speed bump in a darkened hallway again so I beg you to break the news gently. I agree with Stac"ey" that he kind of doesn't have a choice in the matter. He can't beat us so he better just join us. He'll have fun in spite of himself (or should I say, "in thspite of himthelf"), and he knows I'm right! Especially if it's possible that one day we'll be sister-in-laws. We just have to get his brother to start commenting on here too and NWS will be totally outnumbered. He'll have to submit to technology...

@Stac"ey": How can you not see me as a burlesque queen? I mean, really?! You of all people! Unbelievable. In the words of Jenny Baker from 16 Candles, "You make someone a bridesmaid, and they shit all over you." Ok, okay, I haven't made you a bridesmaid yet, but one of these days...

@KJ: Did you miss my first (of the new one-Wednesday-Per-Month feature highlighting my favorite men) "Putting the 'Hump' in Humpday" post? If so, click here. It will explain everything (well, as best as it can be explained, anyway).

The Fruitcake Lady said...

Oh no, Madam Von Tease, he's well aware that we've exchanged funnies and chit-chat. I just wouldn't ever want him to feel like he just couldn't have a friend all his own. But REAH-lleh dolling (I've been reading Patrick Dennis), what can he expect putting in contact two such brilliantly hilarious female minds?

Britt said...

OMG I thought I was the only one who loved Jeremy with all her heart and soul. I am prepared to fight for him...but not in a giant martini glass. Sorry.

Britt said...

OMG I thought I was the only one who loved Jeremy with all her heart and soul. I am prepared to fight for him...but not in a giant martini glass. Sorry.

stacey said...

It's just not true love if you won't fight in a giant martini glass.

Britt said...

Too funny! I too am from the Chicago area and first fell in love with Jeremy in his "supporting" roles. No one understands...he's just dreamy, isn't he? I think you may be my long lost soul sister. Were you also a devoted fan of the show Cupid which starred our beloved Jeremy?

Jules said...

@FruitcakeLady: I don't know what he could have possibly expected either, dah-ling.

@Britt: I have to agree with Stacey that it's not true love if you won't fight in a martini glass for him! I might be your long lost soul sister, 'tis true; and that means that you'll enjoy having Jeremy as a soul brother-in-law. hee hee. Yes, of course I watched Cupid like it was religion. I signed the petition for it to be released on DVD 1,000 years ago. Sigh. I wonder if that will ever happen.