Oh, it's "magical" alright!

A few weeks ago, I was in the checkout line and saw this hanging to my right, in the section that should be marked, "Things you'll buy at the last minute in a misguided attempt to fill the void in your soul", but is actually marked "Gum".

For the record, I did NOT spend my hard-earned cash on this, I simply took a quick picture because I got such a kick out of it.

Ladies & Gents! May I present...

SQUIRMLES®, The Magical Pet



I was laughing when I took the picture, so it's a bit blurry. I'll go ahead and list a few of the "magical" things SQUIRMLES® can do!

1. Jump
2. Twist
3. Crawl... Magically in your hands!




It's so very magical that "You bring it to life!"

This is one of those things from the 70's that somebody decided to re-package and bring back in an attempt to rob our generation's children of their allowance by selling them what is really just a bloated pipe cleaner with googly-eyes attached to it.

MAGICAL!

****

High cheekbones & heavy brow ridges= very high levels of testosterone AND douchebaggery.

Let me just say a couple of things before I go back to banging my head against a brick wall and repeatedly yelling, "I call bullsh*t!".

You all know I love men, right? If you know me personally or if you've been reading this blog for oh, say, more than a minute you are aware of that already. I am a the president of the Man Fan Club, believe me. I even write a special one-Wednesday-per-month, "Putting the Hump in Humpday" post; which is really just a good excuse to extoll the greatness of men, shining a positive light on the opposite sex, and having a lot of fun while doing it. I. Love. Men.

What I don't love are idiots... of either gender.

Men AND women are capable of cheating. I have friends who have been on both the receiving and giving ends of it. I have never been a cheater but I was cheated on, and it wasn't a pleasant experience. Thankfully, I only had to disentangle myself from a boyfriend and not a marriage with all the complexities that entails.

Earlier this week at work, we talked about Dr. Laura's appearance rounding out a Today Show panel-of-three "experts" that also included a psychologist and an anthropologist weighing in on the Eliot Spitzer scandal. I assume Dr. Laura was on this panel because she is a cheater so she knows of what she speaks, and she hates herself enough to dive face-first into a firestorm of her own hypocrisy.

I didn't see it myself but got THIS LINK to a clip that gave me an entirely new litany of reasons to run this woman idiot over with a car. Not that I'm a violent person. I'm not. Hearing anything come out of her mouth seems to make me crazy, though, so I blame my need to write this post on temporary insanity.

Here is the cliff notes version of the video link, in case you, for whatever reason, can't see/hear it:

The psychologist: "Two wrongs don't make a right."

The anthropologist: "All you have to do is look at him and he's got very high cheekbones and very heavy brow ridges and those are signs of extremely high testosterone. We know he's very aggressive and he's also very sexual."

The woman who, if I ever meet in a dark alley, I plan on punching in the face (Dr. Laura): "Men do need validation. When they come into the world they're born of a woman. Getting the validation from mommy is the beginning of needing it from a woman. When the wife does not focus in on the needs and the feelings sexually, personally, to make him feel like a man, to make him feel like a success, to make him feel like our hero, he's very susceptible to the charm of some other woman making him feel what he needs. These days, women don't spend a lot of time thinking about how they can give their men what they need...the cheating was his decision to repair what's damaged, and to feed himself where he's starving. I hold women accountable for tossing out perfectly good men by not treating them with the love and kindness and respect and attention they need."

I just keep reminding myself that she's a cartoon character, and a total joke. Nobody takes her seriously. Except, possibly, people who are cheaters and heard her on The Today Show. Just getting this off my chest is making me feel better already. Almost as good as, say, a "perfectly good man" must feel when he's not being "tossed out".


My last 2 points on this subject:

* Was Dr. Phil too busy issuing statements to be on this Today Show panel?

* For $1,000 an hour (The low-end of The Emporer's Club hourly rate), I think men would have no problem getting their actual wives to "validate" them ALL. DAY. LONG.

All his fancy book-learnin' and he still wouldn't know IRONY if it hit him in the mouth!

I need you to ignore the troubled female who is the topic of every media outlet in the universe and please focus on helping me understand why anyone would MAKE A PUBLIC STATEMENT on regretting the PREVIOUS PUBLIC STATEMENT:


Also "not helpful"? Another public statement.

Now is as good a time as any to share the importance of utilizing the occupational training (skills that pay the bills) of your friends to your own personal advantage. You have to pay them back in kind, though. I reimburse my friends with photography and design work or in charming witticisms, though I'm sure they'd prefer cash. 

I have two who most often answer the pressing questions that keep me awake at night. Staci (with an "i") is an orthodontist who always treats my frantic e-mails with the kind of respect that only someone with impeccable bedside manner and infinite patience is capable of. Especially because these e-mails usually begin with something like, "What in sam hell happened to the roof of this woman's mouth and could it have been caused by watching too much reality TV, because if so I could be in trouble, right!?" or "When you volunteered at that clinic, did you treat any meth addicts who smoked their own teeth because I just read an article about a man who actually did that and I am still in disbelief!?".

She should not be confused with Stacey (with an 'ey'), a nurse currently back in med school on her way to becoming a doctor. I talk to her about things like what it takes to REALLY impress Clooney and how doing Jägerbombs leads to *inappropriate touching (whatever THAT is). All weighty, far-reaching topics that Indiana University is bound to do research studies on, fingers crossed. I don't abuse their free advice and my questions are always of the utmost importance. Like the subjects of this trio of e-mails between Orthodontist-Staci and I:

Stac,
Please tell me, assuming that you can get past the enormity of his cranium, if any of Dr. Phil's chompers are real. While you're at it, why have Cruizazy's front teeth grown out of his noggin all shifted over sideways? Was it all the couch-jumping? Be honest.



Head size comparison to scale. Yes, Dr. Phil's is that enormous.

Jules,
Dr. Phil has had major dental work; probably a crown (cap) on EVERY. SINGLE. TOOTH. Tom Cruise is missing an upper left tooth near the front (I believe it's the upper left lateral incisor), so his dental midline is totally shifted over to the left. I don't know what those braces he had a while ago did, but it really didn't fix it. His teeth are still f**ked up.

Stac,
Do they make crowns that would fit over Dr. Phil's entire mouth (mustache and all) because he really could use one as a deterrent to making all of these regrettable public statements. In regards to Cruise: Interesting that his teeth and his public image continue to be equally f**ked up after making that regrettable public statement about Brooke Shield's postpartum depression. What can only be next for Dr. Phil is to take his own turn jumping on Oprah's couch. Oh wait, that's how he got his own talk show.

*For the record, I still call bullsh*t on the whole "inappropriate touching" thing.

The people of Mobile, Alabama need to start reading this blog!

If only they had read my recent Public Service Announcement, this whole thing could have been easily avoided. People, I'm here to help!

Motorist Who Flipped Off Cop Gets $3,000

MOBILE, Ala. -- The Mobile Police Department has been ordered to pay $3,000 to a government engineer who was arrested for cursing and making an obscene hand gesture to an officer.

He sought $10,000 in damages from the police department because of time lost from work, the threat of losing his job, and the embarrassment of being put in jail. Mobile County District Judge Michael McMaken awarded DeBoi the money last week, saying that police officers must have "thicker skin" than the general public.

newsource

It's Thursday, so "Business Hours are over, baby"

If you don't know what the title of this post means, please scroll down to the previous post from Sunday, and watch the Youtube video at the end called Business Time.

Hope everyone had their business socks on last night. I had plans to do the same but as I am posting this from the MacSpecialists store (emphasis on the Special) this morning, plans change. Instead, I was in a fiery rage last night, and that was the only "business" at hand.

I am almost finished designing my sister's fantastic children's book on pet loss. Before sending it to the printer, I had to upgrade my software to Adobe Creative Suites 3. Today, almost a week after spending just over "one-large" on CS3, I took my iMac in to double the RAM, a necessary evil because CS3 wasn't having the RAM I was running on. I had to wait a week to max out the RAM on my computer because I had to sell my ovaries to pay for everything and have you ever tried to heal properly after having your ovaries removed and sold on the black market? It takes longer to recover from the trauma than you'd think.

I brought it home last night after the upgrade and was ready to get down to "business" but the machine only spit out an insulting 3 beeps, and didn't bother to actually go through the usual start-up process, nor did the monitor come on. Only the fan, and those 3 beeps. I called MacSpecialists (for the record, they're usually modern day miracle-makers) and the sales guy said since it was 7:10 pm, the techs had all left already (presumably they had their "business socks" on and had people to get home to) but I could bring it back in the morning; which brings us to now.

I'm currently "banging the keyboard" (is it too early in the day for double-entendres?) on the sexiest MacBook Pro I've ever seen. This baby is smooth, and slick, and titanium and FAST (in a good way). Too bad it has to stay in the showroom. I'm a non-smoker but may just have to light one up on the way out of here anyway. I think they hand them out at the door with iMatches.

Luckily for you, I've decided to skip over all the ugliness that went on in between my phone call to MacSpecialists last night and the "morning delight" I'm experiencing right now. Poor Charissa called in the middle of my rage to discuss an episode of Sex & the City that she had just seen on DVD, the one where Smith shaves his head in solidarity with Samantha's chemotherapy-induced hair loss; probably the hottest move on earth, a man standing by his woman so steadfastly--is that even a word?--that he knows his actions will speak louder than anything he could ever say in that entirely (for her) vulnerable moment; and I couldn't even enjoy talking about it over the phone with her. A fiery rage will do that to you. Imagine, not even being able to get into a discussion on the hotness of Sex & the City's Smith Jerrod!?

Since I couldn't find that scene online anywhere, I give you the following ridiculous commercial someone in the UK was kind enough to upload to YouTube.

I don't know about you, but all I hear is what sounds like the adults in every Charlie Brown movie saying, "Waah wah waah body temperature waah waah starts to melt... uncontrollably waah wahh waah even faster in your mouth wah waaah and that, ladies, makes the pleasure even more intense." This commercial should be for a product called, 'AMEN', or 'BREAK ME OFF SOME OF THAT', don't you think?


So, the work on the book will continue a few days longer than I had anticipated, which is utterly frustrating at the end of such a long-term project. Good thing my sister has been so great about it. I hasten to say most clients would not handle it with as much grace and patience as she has. She always takes lemons & makes lemonade. For instance, last night after finding out that I'd have to take my computer back in-- pushing the book deadline back a few days-- I called to ask her if she had the number for Suicide Hotline. She didn't have the number but said that if I actually went through with it, she'd have a great subject for her next book.

Humor, people. It's in our DNA. Genetically, we CAN'T HELP IT.


It should go without saying that suicide is not funny at all.

An outraged Hilton feels misled by attorney suggesting jail sentence as 'Time for Reflection'; had nothing to do with actual mirrors.

From People.com:

Paris Hilton Released to Her Home
THURSDAY JUNE 07, 2007 09:45 AM EDT
Due to an undisclosed "medical condition," Paris Hilton has been reassigned from jail to her home, where she will wear an electronic monitoring device.

I'm absolutely certain her "medical condition" is something along the lines of allergic reactions, in order of severity, to:

1) Orange jumpsuits




2) Low thread-count bedding




3) Lock-down




4) Restricted access to lip-gloss




5) No mirrors! Oh the humanity! How is she supposed to "reflect" under these conditions? Especially if her greatest fear is that she ceases to exist if she can't see herself staring back into her own eyes, watching her very-own lip-glossed mouth say, "That's Hot".




If the judicial system hasn't completely lost it's mind, I expect that she'll get sent back to the clink and hopefully by the end of the month, Nicole Ritchie will be joining her there as punishment for her own DUI incident; and you know what that'll mean...


This is just some magic I made in photoshop, but it's probably already in development from the creators of The Simple Life


JUNE 8th UPDATE:
Turns out that she WAS just remanded. Back to jail for Paris. First, though, she's at the hospital getting checked out by the county jail medical team. The news reports have been throwing around "nervous breakdown" as speculation, but I just think it's a temper tantrum.


That kind of behavior (from my sister & I) was good for about 30 seconds once when we were little, but our dad wouldn't have any of it after that. Example of how "tight the ship" was around our house: I was grounded in the 4th grade for 6 weeks --until the next report card came out--because I got a bad grade in handwriting. That is no joke. The irony is that he was frequently asked if he was a doctor based on the fact that his own penmanship is off the chicken-scratch charts. I'm thankful for his being strict on us, though. Otherwise I might be just like Paris Hilton, and THAT'S NOT HOT.