Ryan Gosling is everything*. Need I say more? I think not.
But, I will anyway.
You either very much agree with me that he is everything or you don't**. I'm not going to sit here and try to sell you on Ryan Gosling. In his latest movie, "Crazy, Stupid, Love" (or as I call it, "Crazy, Stupid, Hot Ass Love"), he uses a certain Yiddish word several times. Each time, it sounds natural, as if it's part of his everyday vocabulary. He totally pulls it off. You can trust me on this because I've seen the movie twice already (and I did it FOR MY COUNTRY***).
Related:
*Not EVERYTHING-everything. Just everything. You know what I'm saying.
**Admittedly, Ryan Gosling isn't for everyone:
***Please, please click that hotlink. You won't be sorry.
Here's the "Crazy, Stupid, Hot Ass Love" trailer in case you've been living under a rock:
****
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Putting the Hump in Humpday: Yiddish Edish
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Putting the Hump in Humpday: Here's to Javier Bardem's body of work; and well, his body.
Late last night one of my friends emailed me a link with the message, "I'm so sorry to break this to you!" I gulped and then clicked on the link, which was the news that (one of) my lovah(s), Javier Bardem, married Penelope Cruz. As soon as I read the headline, I actually said, "OH NOOOOOOOOO!" out loud. I really did. Obviously, Javier has been a victim of poor timing. Had he met ME first, Penelope wouldn't even be a blip on his radar. Ah, such is life. Poor Javi.
Somewhere in my drafts is not-yet-published post on the night I saw Vicky Cristina Barcelona. That will be a post for another day; it's taken me awhile to recover. SO. HOT.
A few days ago, I read that he'll be guest-starring on Glee next season. This was hilarious to all of my "Gleek" friends because I told them at the end of last season that Glee was dead to me unless, say, someone like Javier was on the show. I never actually thought he'd be on there, but there you go. Put something out into the universe & it can happen, it really can.
In light of the recent Bardem news, I thought it was a great time to bring back this post... especially because today is Wednesday. Enjoy! I do. ;)
.....
There's only one man who could get away with saying, "Usted va me deja tener mi manera con usted porque soy el hombre más caliente vivo." (You're going to let me have my way with you because I'm the hottest man alive), and that man is Javier Bardem. He's never said that to me, but only because it goes without saying. Because it's only delaying the inevitable so let's just get to it, shall we? The humpday post, I mean.
In 2004, I saw the movie "Mar Adentro" (The Sea Inside); based on the real-life story of Ramón Sampedro, a Spanish ship mechanic left quadriplegic after a diving accident, who fought a 28-year campaign in support of euthanasia and his right to end his own life. I fell for Javier Bardem immediately because of his stellar performance in this movie. Yes, it was his ACTING that got me. Seriously. No, really. This is proven by the fact that for most of the movie he looked like this:
Javier Bardem as Ramón Sampedro. An old man with kind eyes, totally huggable in that sweater; but definitely not sexy.
I was captivated by him right away, and made a mental note to rent some of his other films. I thought, "He's old so he must have a ton of movies under his belt". Keep in mind that this was 2004, before everyone on the planet knew him by name, or by face for that matter. When the flashback scene of the diving accident came on, showing what Javier Bardem REALLY looked like (and what was supposed to be Sampedro's character as a young man), I just about lost my mind. You crazy film industry makeup departments! You tricked me! This man is actually smokin' hot in real life, and for about 5 minutes in this movie they let him show it:
Since I couldn't find the diving scene on YouTube, I opted for this shot from the movie's official website. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some screen licking to do. HEY-OHHH!
That was how my Javier fixation appreciation began. A few months ago, I finally decided to watch every JB movie I hadn't already seen. I looked up his "resume", which to my delight reads mostly like details from a steamy novel:
Click to enlarge. As you can see by the numbers, I cut out the films that didn't fit in with the sexy theme (for illustrative purposes only. I did WATCH the movies that were without sexy titles in addition to these!) They're all a pretty stunning testament to "taking your work home with you". Rather, taking HIS work home with ME. The only one of this list I haven't seen yet (because Netflix doesn't have it) is "Jamon, Jamon", which directly translated is "Ham, Ham". Judging by the 18 & over trailer I found on YouTube, it might as well be called "Pork, Pork". No joke. I won't link to it here but do the search on YouTube and find out for yourself. Also no joke? Me, seeing that movie, even if I have to buy it.
One of my photography teachers adopted a saying that has stuck with me since college: "When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt". I have been delaying this Hump of the Month post not only so I could watch as many Javier Bardem movies as possible (you know, for research purposes; I'm nothing if not thorough!) but also because I wanted it to be all-encompassing. I wanted it to do Javier's superb "body of work" equally as much justice as I wanted to "do justice" to his "superb body"; if you know what I'm sayin' and I think you do.
In addition, I wanted this to be informative, not a fluff piece meant only for people to drool all over their keyboards while staring at photos like this one:
I would roll around in hot cigar ashes with him anytime.
At one point I even told a friend that I wanted to do a synopsis and review of all 20 JB movies I've seen, but I'm pretty sure I made that insane declaration in the middle of watching his thriller, Between Your Legs; and by the end of that movie--with it's jaw-droppingly shocking twist-- I realized that I was a FOOL to think I could easily sum up the complexity that is Javier and his chameleon-like acting. My summation for each of his movies, without going into great detail, would sound something like this: "He blows away the competition, you should definitely see everything he's ever been in. While you're doing that, I'm going to be over here licking my TV. Look away, look away I tell you!"; and that's just not helpful to anybody. Since his work speaks for itself, who am I to interrupt?
He deserved winning the Oscar for his performance in No Country for Old Men. Don't watch it at 7a.m. on a lazy Saturday like I did, though. It's a little too early in the day for that kind of murderous rampaging.
It has been really interesting to see his movies in order of their release date; to confirm that he is a really great actor and not just a pretty face with a hot body and an intoxicating accent to boot (universe, if you're listening, please send him to my doorstep ASAP). He has done such a variety of work and really commits to his character that it was never boring. Even if it had been boring, his looks would save him; but he never has to rely on that. There's just not a downside to watching the work of someone who qualifies as The Hump of the Month, trust me.
UGH, her again? She needs to back off of my man before I unleash the motherf**king moonwalk!
If you have a new-favorite-actor based on only seeing a few of their movies, I highly recommend immersing yourself in their work. Start at the beginning, see their evolution, watch their growth through experience. In the meantime, there's always April's Hump of the Month to enjoy, Javier Bardem. I plan to enjoy him for a LONG time.
Click HERE to watch The Sea Inside's trailer, featuring the diving scene that made me realize that Javier Bardem wasn't really an old man in a huggable sweater as the rest of the movie would suggest.
Red and purple are my favorite colors, he'd look PERFECT in my bedroom.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Putting the Hump in Humpday: Bacon FTW*!
*FTW= For The Win
You read that headline right. Bacon is November's Hump of the Month! It's a little more interesting than that, though.
One of my neighbors is a really nice guy who has a cat. He used to walk the cat on a leash, but now just follows the cat around whenever he decides to let it get some fresh air. It seems that no matter when I open my door, they're both just outside of it, or whenever get home, they're by the mailbox. This happens several times a week, and nearly always happens on the weekends I'm in town (and probably when I'm not in town, for that matter!). Whenever I open my door, They're. Right. There. I don't want to make it sound worse than it is, because he's a harmless guy and as far as cats go, this one hasn't tried to kill me in my sleep yet (like THIS one), so it could be worse. However, I never really feel like doing the friendly nod or neighborly hello when they're literally on my doormat. This has happened more than once, the doormat sitting, and it scares the sh*t out of me every time.
My friends know about this, and many have witnessed it themselves. I find it unbelievably satisfying to see the look on a friend's face as they see him with their own eyes, especially after hearing all the stories about my neighbor's uncanny ability to be right outside my door at the exact time I decide to leave (it doesn't seem to matter if it's 8:30 a.m or 2 p.m.). One friend in particular, the aforementioned Scooter ("MY Alan Thicke?"), is a big fan of The Tomcat Tales™. Having witnessed it in person, she enjoys hearing about all the sightings when she's not here. I usually send her the details via text message before I get out of the parking lot.
Last week, there was this text messaging exchange:
Me: "Dead bird by mailbox. I suspect neighbor's cat, or neighbor himself."
Scooter: "I bet it was some kind of symbolic gesture of love."
Me: "Or some kind of symbolic gesture of violence."
Scooter: "That, too."
My friend KJ (aka Kristabella) has a feature on her blog in which she asks BACON the answers to life's toughest questions, and we get to submit the ones that perplex us the most. I decided it was time to get to the bottom of things with the neighbor & his cat, and I knew I could count on BACON to shed some light on the subject.
This is BACON and he has all the answers to everything.
Dear Bacon,
Why does my neighbor always take his cat for a walk right when I pull into the parking lot and why do they always linger near my door, when there’s a huge grassy area with trees and a creek and other things I assume a cat would enjoy 4 steps to the left?
Love your sizzle,
Jules
--
Dear Jules,
Bacon says that you really are preaching to the damn choir. You people have no idea the madness Bacon goes through on a daily basis with these stupid cats of Kristabella’s. Bacon wishes someone would come over and take them on a walk. And then just leave them outside for someone else to take home so Bacon could stop gathering dust and cat hair. But to answer your question, Bacon says you must “Taste Really Good” and that is why the cat is always lingering near your door. And Bacon guesses your neighbor really is hoping to find out how good you really taste, the cat on a leash is just an excuse to see you. And also the worst way ever to impress a woman.
Spittin' hot grease,
Bacon
--
Dear Bacon,
I’d like to kiss you, but I fear that when bringing you to my lips, I'd get a whiff of your deliciousness and then I’d end up eating you. It’s probably best we never get together. I will, however, make you the Hump of the Month for November. You've more than earned it.
Salivatingly yours,
Jules
That Bacon really knows his stuff, doesn't he? I think in addition to making him the HotM, I'll also show my appreciation for him by sharing this link for candied bacon ice cream with you. It's by David Lebovitz, who is a pastry genius, so don't get grossed out. It's probably great. Click HERE for the recipe. The best thing about it is that the photo of candied bacon ice cream makes me forget about cats altogether, or at least the one that tried to kill me in my sleep.
A big thank you to KJ for letting me incorporate Bacon's wisdom into this post, and especially for allowing the inclusion of Bacon's official portrait, no doubt taken by one of her cats.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Putting the Hump in Humpday: "Literacy is Sexy and so is Charlie Day" edition
In 2005, my good friends Scooter & Todd insisted I watch FX's Thursday night show, 'It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia', which centers around four friends in their late 20s who run an Irish dive bar, "Paddy's Pub," in South Philly. They've never steered me wrong, so I made sure to catch the very next episode. It was so absurdly funny that I bought the DVDs of the first 2 seasons when they came out. The show was created & is written by the 3 main male characters, which means that not only are they humpable because they're hilarious, but also because they're literate, and literacy is sexy. At least that's what the posters at my local library say.
Truth be told, both "my boo"* and I have raging crushes on the hotness that is Charlie Day, who plays Charlie Kelly. His frequent outbursts and one-liners slay me at least 10 times an episode. This is what the official IASIP Wikipedia page has to say about his character on the show:
Charlie is Mac's childhood friend and a co-owner of Paddy's. He is a volatile loser who displays little ability to cope with day-to-day problems. In addition, he lives in filth and frequently abuses inhalants. His apartment is often referred to by friends and acquaintances as a "shit hole." Throughout the show, Charlie shows signs of several learning disabilities, including dyslexia, and is often accused of being illiterate by other characters. All of the most tedious and disgusting tasks at the bar are called "Charlie Work", even when he is temporarily spared from performing them. He tends to squander the little money he earns from the bar on "bad investments." He has an extremely short fuse and is prone to Al Pacino-styled outbursts.
Mac and Dennis frequently manipulate him into tests of his fortitude, and consider him to be almost impossible to injure. Charlie has no success in dating, and harbors an unrequited crush on a cafe waitress. Despite his apparent lack of intelligence, Charlie is the most skilled musician in the group, even going so far as to imply that he is a savant, and is surprisingly adept at concocting elaborate plans to achieve his desires. He has a passion for dressing up in costumes and assuming other personas, even when there is no clear reason to continue. He spent the majority of his life without a father figure until the final episode of season two, when he finds out his father is actually Frank Reynolds. In the season three premiere Charlie's mother Bonnie reveals that Charlie was born after a botched attempt at an abortion in a back alley three months earlier.
Now that you have some insight into his character, you definitely need to see him in action (double-click on either play arrow if you have trouble with any of the following videos):
The perfect example of a Charlie Kelly outburst, in less than 30 seconds.
Still skeptical? Watch this clip from last season, which had me in tears (the good kind). Their song has become a cult classic in it's own right:
"Day Man, uh-ah-ahh! Fighter of the Night Man, uh-ah-ahh! Champion of the sun! You're a master of karate and friendship for everyone!"
If you search for "Day Man" on youtube, you'll find many videos of bands doing their own cover versions. I suspect their song delivery might have been inspired (and rightly so) by THIS classic Queen performance.
If all of that STILL hasn't piqued your interest (what's it gonna take?), it should be noted that Danny DeVito stars in the show, and that adorable little limoncello-loving bundle of fun should be reason enough for you to tune in:
In a move of marketing genius, he later capitalized on this drunken appearance and created his own limoncello.
FX is currently airing season 4 on Thursday nights at 10 (Eastern), and is the funniest/most twisted show on TV. The writing will offend everyone, and in my mind that is a good thing. Anything that can make you think and make you laugh at the same time usually creates a dialogue, and what's better than a good conversation? Okay, besides getting Charlie Day drunk on Danny DeVito's limoncello and then making out (with Charlie, not Danny).
*We feel about each other just like AC feels about DB!
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Putting the Hump in Humpday: Parallel, perpendicular or diagonal hardly matters if I'm enveloped in that wing span
His body is ridiculous.
My oldest friend is my oldest friend for many reasons, one being that when she can't think of the exact word for something, even when the word she uses in place of the exact word should easily lead her to the exact word but doesn't, we laugh about it together. Another reason is because she humors my related, but beside-the-point thoughts that I enjoy discussing simultaneously*. A parallel conversation if you will:
Charissa: "Did you see the men's gymnastics last night?"
Me: "Only because I had to watch something when Michael Phelps wasn't shattering world records with his 6'7" wing span, size 14 feet and double-jointed knees. Or when I was text messaging people about his insane musculature, and the crime that was committed by the inventor of those high tech swimsuits that cover most of his sinewy body when he's cutting through the water."
Charissa: "Interesting. So, did you see when the gymnasts were on those side-by-side bars?"
Me: "I'm sorry, what? I'm still stuck on the measurements of Michael Phelps. The commentators said something about his ankles, too... but I'm still trying to figure out how his double-jointed knees could come in handy. Oh wait, I just pictured it, and I'll now refer to the worldwide competition he's in as the Big 'O'-lympics."
Charissa: "Anyway, did you see the men's gymnastic routines they did on those side-by-side bars or what? I don't know what they're actually called, but you know what I mean, right?"
Me: "The parallel bars?"
Charissa: "Yeah, parallel. That sounds about right."
*Not all the time, just when someone like Michael Phelps is on the brain. Really, I blame Bob Costas for spewing out all the stats about Phelps' body irresponsibly and haphazardly, like it was the last thing he had to confess before being shoved into a volcano. It was such a clustered flurry of sport porn that I could only commit 3 to memory. In the meantime I'm going to just focus on what wins him the gold... his stroke. (RIMSHOT!)
Click HERE to read previous Humpday posts.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Putting the Hump in Humpday: "Friday wasn't my day, but Wednesday* was the best day..."
Note: I want you to know it pleased me to NO END that lyrics from one of my favorite 80's songs fit in perfectly with the "Wednesday is called humpday because it's in the middle of the week"; and "Putting the Hump in Humpday refers to someone/something that is totally humpable" theme, and I mean, it fit in SO perfectly that I suddenly had the overwhelming feeling that the entire reason I came up with the Humpday post idea all those months ago was just so that one day I'd be working on the post you're about to read and I'd think, "I was born to come up with the cleverness that is this very title". That's how good it is, and if you know what line comes after the lyrics in the title, you not only appreciate my multi-layered wit, but you could also win a prize*.
--
1984 - 11 years old
The new girl in town, who moved from Ohio to Tennessee, has her first slumber party. I'm one of the 3 girls she invites and I am thrilled. We spend most of the night in a large spare room in their finished basement, dancing up a sweat in front of a mirrored wall to the new Wham! album. We're trying hard to copy the swingy little dance step that George Michael executes so perfectly in the video for Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go. It's a very specific series of moves consisting of clapping, snapping and kicking with a sideways shuffle. The trick to getting it seems to be an avoidance of over-thinking. It should come as no surprise that I have a hard time getting it all synchronized. I mean, I know how to dance, but this is a new way of moving as yet undiscovered by the likes of my 7th-grade self.
We're listening to the cassette, but because MTV played the video so much in the preceding months, by the time "Cuddle up baby, move in tight. We'll go dancing tomorrow night..." is blasting out of the speakers, we're each hugging ourselves and nailing his signature eyeroll while belting out, "it's cold out there but it's warm in bed; they can dance, we'll stay home instead!". The 4 of us followed that up with squealing and laughing and talking about how cool it would be to see Wham! perform live or to be a backup singer on tour or for George to ring the doorbell that very second and play Spin the Bottle with us. It would then be the polite thing for him to stick around long enough to teach us exactly how far into the clapping and snapping that the kicking should start. I know with his assistance I will master the dance.
See George hug himself and dreamily roll his eyes at 2:25. Trust me, it's worth it.
--
1988 - 15 years, 11 months & 3 weeks old - The Faith Tour
One week before I turned 16, I overheard my mom & one of her friends, Terri, in mid-conversation. They were talking about how Terri committed to taking her daughter somewhere and was already dreading it. I wondered what would make Terri's usual upbeat attitude so gloomy. This is how our conversation went:
Terri: "My daughter talked me into taking her to some concert on Tuesday night."
Me: "What concert?"
Terri: "I don't know, some George guy. He's singing next to a jukebox in his new video."
Me: "George MICHAEL?"
Terri: "Yeah, that's him!"
Me: "I've wanted to see him live since I was 11. Your daughter is so lucky. YOU are so lucky. I. AM. SO. JEALOUS."
Terri: "My only hope is that he sounds as good as he looks in that leather jacket and tight jeans, but I highly doubt it."
Me: "..." {jaw on floor}
One week later, on my 16th birthday, Terri surprises me with a bouquet of flowers and a t-shirt she bought for me at the concert. I don't remember what kind of flowers she gave me but I remember the t-shirt because it had a screen-printed image of George wearing the leather jacket and tight jeans from the Faith video, and it was shot from behind.
--
Saturday, October 19, 1991 - 18 years old - The Cover to Cover Tour
A friend of mine calls to offer me an extra ticket to the next night's Chicago show, but I am too busy in my dorm room making out with my boyfriend to answer the phone. She doesn't leave a message, and I don't get the extra ticket. I did, however, end up with a real nice hickey. My boyfriend pays dearly for both the hickey AND the missed phone call, but not monetarily.
--
1998 - 25 years old
The 2-disc set, Ladies & Gentlemen: The Best of George Michael is released. I buy it immediately and tell my sister, "The next time he tours, WE ARE SO THERE."
--
July 9, 2008 (TONIGHT!) - 34 years old - The 25 Live Tour
A few months back, my sister surprised me with tickets to tonight's show (thanks, Missy!) and WE ARE SO THERE. Apologies in advance** to the people sitting behind us, whoever you are, because we probably won't be sitting down much. I can't wait. I'll probably have one of those moments when my eyes get all watery because I'll be thinking, "DAMN, IT'S GOOD TO BE ALIVE!" and then I'll cheer so loud that my voice cracks.
If you've read this blog long enough, you know that my taste in music runs the gamut, but there are certain artists whose entire music catalogs are embedded into my life; and George Michael is one of them. Say what you will about his seemingly shallow initial pop hits and his personal scandals, but the man is talented. Some people don't realize that he's more than the lyrics, "Guilty feet have got no rhythm". I couldn't say it any better than Steve Dollar did in the last paragraph of his "Top Live Show" column in this week's Time Out Chicago:
Gossip aside: Damn, he had some hits. And, Madonna excluded, there’s no better representative of the ’80s zeitgeist. The tabloid ink has overshadowed an artist who wrote, produced, arranged and played the bulk of his pop perfection. The current—and, according to Michael, last—arena tour is all about those classic Number 1s. No doubt, an older and wiser Michael will bring more than nostalgia to the footlights.
By the way, I'm still the best of friends with the Ohio-girl-who-moved-to-Tennessee. Just the other day, I made a promise to her that even though she wouldn't be with me during his show, my clapping-snapping-kicking self will prove our 1988 marathon dance session in her basement was totally worth it.
*There's a contest that goes along with this month's Humpday post! If you figure out: 1) which song the post title refers to, and 2) what the next line in the song is; leave them in the comments. I will number all the correct answers and put the range into the random number generator. You will of course need to check back to see if you won or not. The winner will get something small I buy from the totally overpriced merchandise table at tonight's concert, unless there is nothing I can justify spending money on. If that's the case, I'll find something equally awesome from somewhere else to send you, and I promise to get the winner their prize within 2 weeks of being notified. It took me forever to get prizes mailed last time.
**Judging by #6 on this list, I may also owe an apology to 5of9er for what I can only preemptively assume is, in his opinion, a disappointing choice (correct me if I'm wrong!) for July's Hump of the Month. Sorry, 9er! To ease your pain, here are links to NPR podcasts celebrating the 20th anniversary of SUB POP Records: World Cafe (available now) and Sound Opinions #137 (available on Saturday). Yay for SUB POP!
Click HERE to read previous Humpday posts.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Putting the Hump in Humpday: Obi-Wan Kenobi & Chewbacca sold separately
When I was a little kid, I absolutely loved Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi. LOVED them. I was the only girl on the block to have (or even care about having) that Luke Skywalker hovercraft toy. In all honesty, I got it because I was enthralled with the hovercraft, not because I was into Luke Skywalker. Even at such a young age, Han Solo was the guy for me. I was so into him that I looked past his stupid name and straight into his soul. In fact, just over a year ago, I wrote THIS POST about him.
I haven't actually seen any of those movies in at least 15 years. At least. While I could easily write this month's Humpday post about Han Solo--the obvious choice based on what you've just read-- I'm going a different route. This month's special dude? R2-D2. Just when you think you know me, I pick a non-human! This is my way of keeping you on your toes. You might be doubting my choice now, but I think you'll agree with me by the end of this post.
I was surprised at how excited I got as soon as the following promo video for this R2-D2 DVD projector started. It goes without saying that if I had an extra $3000 laying around to spend on toys, one of these babies would be on it's way to my door right this second. I confess this to you without shame: I'm pretty sure this video gave me my first DORKGASM, or the first one in at least 15 years.
Double-click on either 'play' arrow if you have trouble with the video
When Artoo leans all the way back, showing off his multi-positioning abilities, I actually gasped out loud. Seriously.
HIGH POINTS:
Millennium Falcon remote (both ridiculous and perfect)
DVD/CD player
260" diagonal projection
Multi-positioning (Swoon!)
Xbox 360/PS3/Wii connection
Safety sensor (I always loved his little, "wooowwww!")
Virtual surround sound
Video-In capabilities
Original R2-D2 sounds
USB stick & multi-card reader: music, video, photo
iPOD DOCK!!!! (money shot!)
LOW POINTS:
Are you seriously looking for something valid to be on this list? Did you even READ the high points? How could anyone complain after that? Alright, I'm just saying this because I know someone else is thinking it: the only thing missing is the capability to chill beer and cook a pizza. {UPDATE: There's a solution to the chilled beer situation in the comments!}
So, there you have it... June's Hump of the Month is a droid! It's anybody's guess who or what I'll pick for July. If you think I'm crazy, look what I found when doing my usual thorough Humpday research: A Star Wars movie theater inside someone's mansion!
Click HERE to read previous Humpday posts featuring actual human men.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Either he and I have the same taste in men or he just has a death wish. You decide.
I'm officially at war with Josh Brolin.
Back in January, I wrote my first and what I thought would be my last open letter to him, which, if you just aren't up to clicking on that "open letter to him" hotlink, looked like this:
Click photo to enlarge. Click hotlink above to enjoy funny reader comments. Click on Brolin's face with your fist if you see him in public (he's definitely asking for it, as you'll soon see).
Re-armed with that information, it will come as no surprise to you that my head nearly imploded when I was doing my Humpday "research" last month and came across these photos from Oscar night:
In No Country for Old Men, Josh Brolin's character Llewelyn Moss tells his wife he is "fixin' to do something dumber than hell". Dumber than hell is right! Nobody gets to hold Javier against a wall with their body besides me. (Javier may be smiling, but it's only because he knows I'm digging in my pocket for a quarter. This will only make sense to you if you've seen No Country for Old Men, or if you click on the hotlink in the next photo caption.)
"What's the most you ever lost in a coin toss, friendo?"
+++++
On to more pleasant news! Approximately 2.4 seconds after I put up the Humpday post last week, I got this email:
Hi! I found a spanish copy of Jamon Jamon. Here is the link...
If you have no idea what Jamon Jamon is, please refer to last Wednesday's post, in which I suggest that although the title directly translates to "Ham Ham", by the looks of the adults-only trailer it should be called "Pork Pork". It's the very JB movie I had been unable to Netflix (because as of now it isn't even available), and the very movie I said I was making my mission to see, even if I had to buy it! Ask and ye shall receive Bardem, which I'm pretty certain is a phrase straight out of the Bible.
Our communication continued like this:
You are ON TOP OF THINGS like nobody else, sister. Who are you, where did you come from, how did you find my blog and are you okay with being my new favorite person?
Your show of generosity in emailing that movie link will put a skip in my step today, so thank you!
-Jules
Jules,
I'm Cristina, and am reading you from as far as Portugal. I'm a Javi fan, and that should say it all. I found your blog through Javi and Google Alerts; and your promise awhile back to make a hump post about him. I had to add you to my RSS feed.
"...and are you okay with being my new favorite person?": Totally!
-Cris
So, there you have it, internet. To my new favorite person in Portugal, I say: OBRIGADA, CRIS! Now let's go kick some Brolin ass!
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Putting the Hump in Humpday: Here's to Javier Bardem's body of work; and well, his body.
There's only one man who could get away with saying, "Usted va me deja tener mi manera con usted porque soy el hombre más caliente vivo." (You're going to let me have my way with you because I'm the hottest man alive), and that man is Javier Bardem. He's never said that to me, but only because it goes without saying. Because it's only delaying the inevitable so let's just get to it, shall we? The humpday post, I mean.
In 2004, I saw the movie "Mar Adentro" (The Sea Inside); based on the real-life story of Ramón Sampedro, a Spanish ship mechanic left quadriplegic after a diving accident, who fought a 28-year campaign in support of euthanasia and his right to end his own life. I fell for Javier Bardem immediately because of his stellar performance in this movie. Yes, it was his ACTING that got me. Seriously. No, really. This is proven by the fact that for most of the movie he looked like this:
Javier Bardem as Ramón Sampedro. An old man with kind eyes, totally huggable in that sweater; but definitely not sexy.
I was captivated by him right away, and made a mental note to rent some of his other films. I thought, "He's old so he must have a ton of movies under his belt". Keep in mind that this was 2004, before everyone on the planet knew him by name, or by face for that matter. When the flashback scene of the diving accident came on, showing what Javier Bardem REALLY looked like (and what was supposed to be Sampedro's character as a young man), I just about lost my mind. You crazy film industry makeup departments! You tricked me! This man is actually smokin' hot in real life, and for about 5 minutes in this movie they let him show it:
Since I couldn't find the diving scene on YouTube, I opted for this shot from the movie's official website. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some screen licking to do. HEY-OHHH!
That was how my Javier fixation appreciation began. A few months ago, I finally decided to watch every JB movie I hadn't already seen. I looked up his "resume", which to my delight reads mostly like details from a steamy novel:
Click to enlarge. As you can see by the numbers, I cut out the films that didn't fit in with the sexy theme (for illustrative purposes only. I did WATCH the movies that were without sexy titles in addition to these!) They're all a pretty stunning testament to "taking your work home with you". Rather, taking HIS work home with ME. The only one of this list I haven't seen yet (because Netflix doesn't have it) is "Jamon, Jamon", which directly translated is "Ham, Ham". Judging by the 18 & over trailer I found on YouTube, it might as well be called "Pork, Pork". No joke. I won't link to it here but do the search on YouTube and find out for yourself. Also no joke? Me, seeing that movie, even if I have to buy it.
One of my photography teachers adopted a saying that has stuck with me since college: "When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt". I have been delaying this Hump of the Month post not only so I could watch as many Javier Bardem movies as possible (you know, for research purposes; I'm nothing if not thorough!) but also because I wanted it to be all-encompassing. I wanted it to do Javier's superb "body of work" equally as much justice as I wanted to "do justice" to his "superb body"; if you know what I'm sayin' and I think you do.
In addition, I wanted this to be informative, not a fluff piece meant only for people to drool all over their keyboards while staring at photos like this one:
I would roll around in hot cigar ashes with him anytime.
At one point I even told a friend that I wanted to do a synopsis and review of all 20 JB movies I've seen, but I'm pretty sure I made that insane declaration in the middle of watching his thriller, Between Your Legs; and by the end of that movie--with it's jaw-droppingly shocking twist-- I realized that I was a FOOL to think I could easily sum up the complexity that is Javier and his chameleon-like acting. My summation for each of his movies, without going into great detail, would sound something like this: "He blows away the competition, you should definitely see everything he's ever been in. While you're doing that, I'm going to be over here licking my TV. Look away, look away I tell you!"; and that's just not helpful to anybody. Since his work speaks for itself, who am I to interrupt?
He deserved winning the Oscar for his performance in No Country for Old Men. Don't watch it at 7a.m. on a lazy Saturday like I did, though. It's a little too early in the day for that kind of murderous rampaging.
So, if you'll go to my I JUST WATCHED... section in the right side bar, you'll see the hotlinks to 10 of the 15 recently viewed JB films, all of which I loved, albeit in different ways. It has been really interesting to see his movies in order of their release date, and also to confirm that he is a really great actor and not just a pretty face with a hot body and an intoxicating accent to boot (universe, if you're listening, please send him to my doorstep ASAP). He has done such a variety of work and really commits to his character that it was never boring. Even if it had been, his looks would save him; but he never has to rely on that. There's just not a downside to watching the work of someone who qualifies as The Hump of the Month, trust me. Some of you aren't big on the subtitles thing, and to that I say, SCREW THE SUBTITLES, HE'S HOT, WATCH HIM ANYWAY he is in plenty of english-language movies, so check those out.
UGH, her again? She needs to back off of my man before I unleash the motherf**king moonwalk! He's obviously pointing to the exit and telling her to go far, far away.
If you have a new-favorite-actor based on only seeing a few of their movies, I highly recommend immersing yourself in their work. Start at the beginning, see their evolution, watch their growth through experience. In the meantime, there's always April's Hump of the Month to enjoy, Javier Bardem. I plan to enjoy him for a LONG time.
Click HERE to watch The Sea Inside's trailer, featuring the diving scene that made me realize that Javier Bardem wasn't really an old man in a huggable sweater as the rest of the movie would suggest. In all seriousness, this movie is in my top 10 favorites of all time; and this man is in my top 3 favorite humps of all time. He might even be Numero Uno, but don't tell Jeremy.
Red and purple are my favorite colors, he'd look PERFECT in my bedroom.
To read previous Putting the Hump in Humpday posts, click HERE and scroll down.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Putting the Hump in Humpday: Renaissance Man offers himself to me; prizes to you!
There's a first time for everything, and this is H.O.J.'s first prize giveaway, which goes hand-in-hand with February's Hump of the Month post! Did I mention the prizes are AUTOGRAPHED? If ever there was a time for each of you (regulars and especially lurkers) to leave a comment or 10, this is it!
Back in January, I went with an old friend to my favorite hang, The House of Blues, for drinks and dinner. Yes, in that order. HOB always has great live music and that night we got to experience the Dayton, Ohio-based Eric Jerardi Band (EJB). I posted some good banter between my friend & I from that weekend which you can re-read in entirety HERE, but this is what was said in reference to EJB:
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During the show, neither of us could sit still, take our eyes off the stage or keep our minds from weaving elaborate fantasies for that matter. Eric Jerardi is talented AND charming; which was all working in his favor, to say the least. I know my friend is going to say something in the comments about being first to "call dibs" on Jerardi, but I will say in my defense that there was a certain guy sitting next to us whose big, dumb head was blocking my view, and I'm sure it was on purpose. I was either going to get a kink in my neck from the strain, which would have taken away from my enjoyment of Jerardi's gravely, growl-y, HOT voice; or relegate myself to keeping my vertebrae in natural order and watching the bassist most of the night. Thankfully, I didn't have to SEE Jerardi to HEAR Jerardi (or, for that matter, FEEL him, if you know what I'm sayin', and I think you do...) so it was all good.
Everyone in the place was enjoying themselves, because EJB knows how to show the crowd a good time. There was just enough banter with the audience to show that he has a killer wit, and his music had more funk than is legal in most northern states. This is the kind of band you should definitely see live, because I am quite certain every couple in the place got lucky later that night, and maybe even one or two right there in the bar. Not that I'd know anything about that kind of behavior.
At one point in the show, Jerardi said that he was going to make the mood "a little bit darker", and then proceeded to play a song that made me sit up straighter, because just hearing his voice for that song wasn't enough for me. I had to see his face, too. It just did it for me... the whole package. I missed the title of the song, but I had to have it so I went to search iTunes. That didn't get me very far, so I decided to e-mail him directly and find out the song title. While he was gracious enough to write back a few days later (which totally impressed me because he was on tour) I had already become impatient a day earlier and decided to do a lyric search, which gave me the answer. It was a cover of Tom Waits' "Make it Rain", and unfortunately it's not on any of Jerardi's CDs. It is, however, in this YouTube video (Double-click on either 'play' arrow if you have trouble with the video):
In my initial e-mail to him, I mentioned that I wrote about that night on my blog and supplied the link. After reading it, his response was:
"I need to spend at least an evening if not a weekend with you and your friends. I love it. To complicate matters, I must tell you more about myself..."
Based on that reaction alone, this is a man who could very much hang with my friends and I for an evening or a weekend. Only the ones with a good sense of humor survive, trust me. To make a long-ish story short-ish, the man is a professional musician AND he owns one of Dayton, Ohio's top specialty gourmet food and wine shops, Jerardi's Little Store! In addition to all of that, he created and hosts a DVD series called Get Real Wine, featuring a backstage tour of wineries around the world by region.
He's a modern day renaissance man, and is a natural fit for February's Putting the Hump in Humpday. Sigh. He was game enough to submit to
DISCLAIMER: I'm not Rolling Stone Magazine, so cut me some slack on the quality of my questions and technique! Interviewing someone is more difficult than you think. Lucky for me, Jerardi doesn't bite. Hard. Besides, the upside of NOT being a professional reporter is that I don't have to be all that professional. You see where this is heading, right? It's a good thing that he is very candid AND has a great sense of humor, and I hope you do too. This is a real interview, but it contains some not-so-serious questions and answers. Sit back, relax... and enjoy! Then, leave a comment to get yourself in the running for the prizes (I know a few people who would smack their grandmothers to win this stuff)!
Eric Jerardi, musician extraordinare.
Eric Jerardi, wine expert.
Eric Jerardi, House of Jules' February Hump of the Month. (See how excited he is?)
Who were your earliest musical influences?
I always remember Little Richard, old Elvis records, Buddy Holly, and Jimmy Reed when I was young. I got to Hendrix, which got me to Stevie Ray which got me to Albert King a little later on. Now mix in Black Sabbath, Led Zeppelin, et al by the time I was in high school. Keep in mind that I didn’t pick up a guitar until I was almost 16.
What a coincidence! That's just about the age I started picking up guys. What was your first Fender?
The one I play today – 1962 Strat – a gift from my Dad after I graduated college.
Given your long touring history, do you have a favorite venue or city that you are particularly interested in visiting again?
I really care more about the people than the venue and whether or not they give a sh*t about what I’m doing. Everyone likes playing big venues, but they can suck if the crowd isn’t on board. The night before I did the House of Blues {Editor's note: Not to be confused with the night he did the House of Jules. Just Kidding.} in January, we did a Thursday show in Omaha from 5:30 til 8:30. Most fun I’ve had in years and quite possibly the best show I’ve ever done. It’s all about the energy, baby!
You just called me "Baby", which means that I'm officially putty in your hands. Soooo, Baby, what is your favorite go-to wine, or one that you've been saving for a special occasion; and what would be the call to open that bottle?
First of all, I am an insufferable, spoiled wine prick. I will take 60 bottles on this next tour that is only 20 days long. However, I don’t covet wine... I drink it. So if there is a very special wine in my cellar that is expensive and rare, the occasion to drink it would be a Tuesday evening because nothing good, or bad, happened to me on that day.
I like so many different wines that I rarely save special ones because I’d rather sell it to someone who wants it more than I do. I almost always drink $20 – $40 French and Italian wine. More specifically, I like reds from Bordeaux & Burgundy (France), and Tuscany & Piedmonte (Italy). I love to cook, and I get paid to do it, so food and wine is important to me. I’ve found that very complex wine is better off on it’s own or with something simple, and that very complex food is better suited for more simple, less complex wine.
You are so speaking my language right now that I'm tempted to cut this interview short to help you "not covet" the wine in your cellar, but I worked really hard on these questions so I suppose we'll keep going. How did you make the leap from a passion for wine to the business venture of Jerardi's Little Store?
I didn’t have a passion for wine when I started this store. I had a marginal interest at best. I grew to love it though. I tasted as much as I could and read as much as I could, and here I am.
If you replaced the word "wine" in your last answer with "Jules", and if you replaced the word "store" with "interview", we would have the perfect arranged marriage right now. Just a thought. Who came up with the idea and picks the destinations for the Get Real Wine Series?
I came up with the idea along with my manager, who is a talented videographer/director/producer. I pick the destinations, write the dialogue and the itinerary.
You also perform all the music on the DVDs! See, I did my research. You realize that I'm a professional photographer, right? I will look for an invitation to your 2009 Chile & Australia trips, because I can be of service. So, what's the 2nd favorite thing a fan has done for you (presuming this is your favorite, of course.)
*********** ******** {Editor's note: E-mail me if you can't guess the first and too-hot-for-publication part of his answer. I'll need to see an ID or proof of your age, first.} without question; always a solid bet when considering gift giving. Maybe guitars I suppose, I’ve gotten a few. Also one fan gave me a rare Tom Waits Playbill, framed and matted in a color that matched my studio which he saw on my music DVD.
Well I know somebody who could work on that first part. Not me, of course, because I'm a lady... why does everyone laugh when I say that? Who would be in your ultimate music supergroup?
Supergroups don’t work; so that’s out. Too many egos, too many dominant styles to blend together.
That explains why VH1's Supergroup didn't stay together! Too many alpha-males! Speaking of which, what's your favorite mood music?
I don’t like mood music at all. I can’t, under any circumstances, have "relations" or the like if there is music playing. I hear music in my head all day and it's maddening at times. Any rhythm from a semi-truck, buzzing beer cooler, or annoying kid will set my wheels in motion. So if I’m trying to get in a “mood”, music will be a distraction to the point of disaster. Maybe you didn’t even mean that type of mood – my mind is always in the gutter.
Oh, that's the type of mood I meant, alright. Your answer is fascinating, I never would have thought music to be such an obstacle. So, getting The Bang CD cued up is out then. This is good information; note taken!
What is your favorite mans-man activity?
Working out and boxing at the gym. I was an athlete when I was younger and no one knew even I played music in high school. I hate watching sports and hanging around dudes who slug draught beer and eat chicken wings. When everyone is watching NASCAR, I’m in the kitchen having cheese, drinking Pouilly Fume with my hands down all of their wives’ knickers. That is my idea of a nice Sunday sporting event.
That is a fantasy sports league my friends and I could get on board with! Ok, on the flip-side of the whole mans-man thing, What's the last chick flick you watched?
I don’t really know, but I guess I don’t really mind chick flicks.
That's the perfect answer, and not just because I'm too busy fixating on what you said your idea of a nice Sunday sporting event was to give the answer to this question the attention it deserves. Did I mention I have a glass of Pouilly Fume here for you? Ok, I'll get back to the questions. Finish this sentence: "It'll be time to pack up the gear for good when..."
I take the dirt nap.
Do you see a live album in your future that would include your super-hot rendition of the song that led us to this moment, Tom Waits' "Make it Rain"? (Otherwise known as the question when I ask how much I have to beg and plead.)
I’m not sure about that. I feel as though I can’t even come close to the original of that song and I feel that I can’t really add anything to it, so I’m thinking no. But who knows. It sounds good with an organ, so that would be different.
I love that you're not ruling it out completely. Until then I will just look forward to you dedicating it to me the next time I see your live show. Sidenote: You said 'organ'.
Finally, the question I've been working toward all night! Your 3 passions in life are music, wine & food. Describe the best night all 3 of those coincided, and take it slow. I'm about to get comfortable.
Ok, I come over to your house around 8. I have a bottle of Bollinger Champagne, a basket of French food and more wine. While we drink the Champagne, I put together a little charcuterie plate with country pate, foie gras, cornichons, cheese, Dijon, and a baguette. I pop the 2001 Cos d Estournel, and we stand in the kitchen, enjoying the simple French country fare. After all of that, I whip out my.......... guitar, and sing to you for about 20 minutes. Then we fornicate like bunnies.
Uh, yeah. That would do it! DROOL.
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A huge thanks to Jerardi for being my first interview subject. You really knew when to be gentle, and when to pull my hair (during the interview). Your appreciation of "sassy broads" is unparalleled!
Here's what could be yours:
Prize #1: An autographed (!!) copy of Eric Jerardi Band's "Live" CD
Prize #2: An autographed (!!) copy of Eric Jerardi Band's "Restless" CD
Prize #3: An autographed (!!) copy of Get Real Wine Series 1, Napa & Sonoma Harvest DVD
After commenting here (as many times as you want.... increase your chances!), head over to Jerardi's official website for tour dates and go see him live! You will not be sorry. Don't forget to come back next week to see if you won!
March's Humpday post will feature: Javier Bardem, but sadly no autographed prizes! I'm keeping him too busy for that.
You can read January's Humpday post HERE.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Putting the 'Hump' in Humpday: Everyone already knows how good we look together
{start at :35} "Your only mistake is that you didn't dump her first. Diane Cort is a show pony and you need a stallion, my friend. Walk with us and you walk tall."
Maybe you aren't impressed, but back when I was 15, his fast-talking witticisms just did it for me. Don't get me wrong, this particular scene features Cusack perfectly executing one of the best monologues out of all the 80's classics ("The girl made me trust myself, man. I was walking around and I was feelin' satisfied, can you imagine that?"); but it was Jeremy who had me mesmerized, and I was soft like putty in his hands in those 3 short minutes. He had me, you know, walking around feelin' satisfied.
