His body is ridiculous.
My oldest friend is my oldest friend for many reasons, one being that when she can't think of the exact word for something, even when the word she uses in place of the exact word should easily lead her to the exact word but doesn't, we laugh about it together. Another reason is because she humors my related, but beside-the-point thoughts that I enjoy discussing simultaneously*. A parallel conversation if you will:
Charissa: "Did you see the men's gymnastics last night?"
Me: "Only because I had to watch something when Michael Phelps wasn't shattering world records with his 6'7" wing span, size 14 feet and double-jointed knees. Or when I was text messaging people about his insane musculature, and the crime that was committed by the inventor of those high tech swimsuits that cover most of his sinewy body when he's cutting through the water."
Charissa: "Interesting. So, did you see when the gymnasts were on those side-by-side bars?"
Me: "I'm sorry, what? I'm still stuck on the measurements of Michael Phelps. The commentators said something about his ankles, too... but I'm still trying to figure out how his double-jointed knees could come in handy. Oh wait, I just pictured it, and I'll now refer to the worldwide competition he's in as the Big 'O'-lympics."
Charissa: "Anyway, did you see the men's gymnastic routines they did on those side-by-side bars or what? I don't know what they're actually called, but you know what I mean, right?"
Me: "The parallel bars?"
Charissa: "Yeah, parallel. That sounds about right."
*Not all the time, just when someone like Michael Phelps is on the brain. Really, I blame Bob Costas for spewing out all the stats about Phelps' body irresponsibly and haphazardly, like it was the last thing he had to confess before being shoved into a volcano. It was such a clustered flurry of sport porn that I could only commit 3 to memory. In the meantime I'm going to just focus on what wins him the gold... his stroke. (RIMSHOT!)
Click HERE to read previous Humpday posts.
19 comments:
I could see how she would get a little lost in your conversation...not to mention Phelp's wingspan.
That guy is one big hunk of yummy!
@Melissa: With the exception of the word, "parallel", she wasn't lost at all.... it was ME! I just couldn't (uh... still can't!) get into the gymnastics conversation when my mind was on MP. Ooohhhh. It's gonna be a long day at work today. :)
I had no idea his stats were so ummm.....impressive! Hubba, Hubba. Size 14 feet? You know what they say about men with big feet, double jointed knees and a big wing spam! Yeowza!!
I meant, span....not spam! Keep your shirt on, Spammon!!! :)
@Troop542/Jen: I knew what you meant!
troop542 - I was about to feel so special but then reality smacked me back down. Bu I really was sure that you weren't talking about me because I'm a horrible swimmer and can barely tread water without drowning. I rely heavily on the doggy paddle.
jules - Is it even fair that he competes in the Big-O? I mean really, everyone else is that has to swim against him is probably thinking 'c'mon silver!'. He may have to compete in the rowing just to make it fair. I can see it now, the 3 teams of rowers trying to catch up to Phelps doing the breast stroke.
@troop542 AGGHHH. My dad has size 14 feet
@HOJ... Lovin' me some MP too but what about the 40 year old swimmer lady.. didn't she win too... where's here hype???
@Spammon: Is it fair? WHO CARES! He's the hotness. I can actually picture him PULLING the rowing teams. He should be handing out t-shirts with your "C'mon, silver! slogan on them. Brilliant.
@Angie: I don't want to hump ladies--Olympic swimming medal-winning cougar or not-- so she doesn't qualify for my monthly Putting the Hump in Humpday posts. But YAY for 40-something ladies kicking ass!
Michael Phelps has spunk. He's awesome.
On another, unrelated note: did Angie Goff put her hand on your cheek when she commented earlier? LOL
Jules, I know Michael Phelps through a friend of a friend and I can hook you up with a late night skinny dip if you'd like. However, there will be a price to pay for my favor. I'll take Ryan Reynolds. Work your magic and I'll work mine. :)
p.s. MP's body is amazing and I bet he could hold his breath for a really long time in the bedroom.
@SisMis: "All men"! No, Angie Goff did NOT touch my cheek when she commented, but I am pretty sure it's because she's upset that I don't want to hump a lady swimmer.
@Linds: OMG, you're killing me. I'm going to get Ryan on the phone RIGHT NOW. Soon as the Big O-lympics in China are over, I'll be expecting a Big O-lympics in my bedroom with your friend of a friend, Michael Phelps...
@Linds: I forgot to mention that the last thing I want him to think about in my bedroom is holding his breath, but it's good to know that his stamina is unmatched, if you know what I'm sayin', and I think you do.
Michael Phelps does for water what fishes only dream of...or something. Have you ever been sweaty in water? It is the strangest sensation. I volunteer for the Michael Phelps Water Droplet Taste Test.
Oh I know exactly what you're saying... and sleeping with MP would be the closest any human has come to 'doing it' with a fish.
p.s. earlier when I said I knew Michael Phelps I didn't say which Michael Phelps... but if I knew the Michael Phelps you wish I knew, I'd hook it up in an instant for you.
Tonight the announcers keep saying, "so-and-so is the greatest breast stroker in the world." My husband looks at me longingly every friggin' time. Maybe I could get him hooked on Phelps, too...
and yet what freaks me out is that he only has a 30" inseam. I mean seriously, I wear 32s and I'm only 5'9.
He's part dolphin.
Think about it.
This is *exactly* what conversations between Sara and I are like. For example:
Me: So, the guy I'm dating says "For someone who doesn't want a boyfriend, you're terribly domestic." Right? I'm like, the non-domestic domestic. My, um, what-do-you-call-it is, like, crippled or something.
SaraMcPherson.com: Domesticity?
Me: That sounds about right.
Yes, I'm really late commenting on this but can I just say that this might be one of my favorite hump day subjects you've ever chosen? And I realize he's just a child compared to me, but I'm not thinking about that right now.
Hi! I found your blog through your comment on Dooce. I know how much you enjoyed viewing her movie about cooking and eating edamame. You can view the East Coast video response to that cinematic masterpiece at www.ournameisblog.blogspot.com We hope you will leave a comment. Heck-bring the whole gang. Your blog rocks.
Post a Comment