Thanks to Facebook, I've been caught up in a wormhole along with just about everyone I've ever met in my entire life. For someone who moved around a lot growing up, it's been a total blast to reconnect with such a vast network of old friends. I've always been a shutterbug, so I already have a lot of photo albums on my FB page. This has both delighted and horrified some people, and the fact that I have a stack of about 100 more photos to scan has struck fear across this nation.
That sound you hear late at night is me, leaning back in my desk chair, rubbing my hands together and filling the darkness with wicked laughter.
The following is a recent Facebook IM'ing session with Logan (not his real name), who believes he's immortal after jumping out of a plane ON PURPOSE and not falling to his untimely death. I only mention this because he references it once and I wanted to disclose everything just like a lawyer would. Speaking of lawyers, "Logan" certainly isn't one, and he definitely isn't one who works for the government of a certain city, and he obviously wasn't engaging in this kind of conversation with me when he was on the clock as a government lawyer for a certain city. Just so we're clear on that.
If conversations like this aren't an advertisement for getting back in touch with people, even if it means sharing embarrassing photos of yourself (and others) dressed in uniform, I don't know what is.
Logan: Those were some fancy hats y'all wore.
Me: Hats?
Logan: In the "Clarinet Mafia" pics.
(Sidenote: Make sure when you get to the end of this post that you click to read the comments. I'm still giggling over some confusion this photo caused!*)
Me: OOOH! Yes, well, that was _________ High School's national award-winning marching band uniform for you. We all hated them, BTW. Which should go without saying.
Logan: Don't lie.
Me: Ok, we liked them a little. Like, if we needed a weapon of tickle-torture, we could use the feathers.
Logan: If I had a hat like that back then I'd have been getting so much play...
Me: Oh yeah. Definitely.
Logan: All I had was my gigantic cranium, and that didn't get me anywhere.
Me: A big head didn't get you any play? Sadness.
Logan: Given the proper adornment, though... I'd have been SET.
Me: Yeah, well on your huge cranium especially. We could just call it "insurance" for a sure thing. This puts an all-new spin on "feather in his cap".
Logan: Ouch. I'm just imagining where those feathers would be... Never mind. I'm talking about my actual CRANIUM.
Me: Ahhh, cranium is the word of the day.
Logan: Yeah, yeah...It is now, I guess; but I had been leaning towards "Vulva." I usually do.
Me: "Leaning Towards Vulva" might be the best indie band name ever. As in, "'Now on tour: 'LEANING TOWARDS VULVA!'"
Logan: "And now, straight from Long Beach, CA... 'Leaning Towards Vulva!'"
Me: "How you doin' Seattle? We are 'Leaning! Towards! Vulva'!"
Logan: I almost fell out of my chair, and that'd be a bad thing today.
Me: Hopefully not on your fancy hat.
Logan: No, on my gigantic... ummm... cranium.
Me: Wow, it really MUST be gigantic. I'm impressed.
Logan: No vulvas were harmed in the filming of Logan falling out of his chair onto his... Ummm... cranium. Well, not PERMANENTLY harmed, anyway.
Me: Vulvas, no. Feathers however, are another story.
Logan: Oh, the older I get, the more sophomoric I become, and the longer it takes for me to recover from acting younger than I actually am.
Me: Exactly. I'm going to write about this on my blog, you know. I won't use your real name, don't worry. Unless you want me to.
Logan: Feel free. What do I care? I survived a skydive. I'm inf**kingvincible! Just don't mention it was during "business hours."
Me: You lived to tell the tale of your ginormous skull. Generations will benefit...and vulvas, too, no doubt.
Logan: Hey, generations will ALWAYS benefit from MY being here, and from vulvas being here, as well.
Me: Without the vulvas, there'd be no generations. WHOA. That was a little too deep.
Logan: I'm not gonna even *touch* that one.
Me: But you'll lean towards it, right?
*Make sure you click below to read the comments.
12 comments:
OMG, do you rent your friends out? I would love to have some witty conversation...of course I'm not sure if I'm up to the task....I am no Jules after all!! ;)
ha! I'm loving the convo... and wishing someone would tickle the vulva of the girl at the bottom left in the picture, she looks like she needs it. {Here's hoping that isn't you or someone you're still in touch with.}
Tickling vulvas. Who knew lawyers were allowed to be funny? We should see if E will change the band's name. It would COMPLETELY work for that bunch.
Linds spied exactly what I was seeing. I read through this whole conversation and the only question I had was 'What crawled up blondies vulva and died?'
@Melissa: He IS a lawyer, so I'm quite certain hourly rates would apply. Totally worth it, though.
@Stacey: E's band definitely qualifies as "Leaning Towards Vulva". For sure. From now on I'll be referring to them as, "LTV".
@Linds & Spammon: This is hysterical because I wondered if I should mention something about that blonde as a photo caption. The good AND bad news is that the blonde's vulva doesn't need tickling/nothing crawled up that vulva & died because THE BLONDE IS A GUY!!! I don't remember his name, though.
jules - I guess that explains the look on his face then. I'd sure as hell be pissed off at the world if I looked like a woman. You really should look him up on Classmates and give us a report on what he looks like now. C'mon, we know your stalker skills are honed for this type of thing.
Jules - there's no way that's a guy. And of course you knew that I know that wasn't you, I just added that for dramatic effect.
@Spam: You're so right. I need to ask around on FB to see who remembers HIS name, but it's definitely a HIM. I know this because he was one of our tuba players, and in another photo I have from the same night he's holding it up, playing it; and one of my best guy friends growing up was friends with him too. I'd look pissed if I was him too, trust me.
@Linds: It really, really is. Oh, of course I knew that you knew that it wasn't me, I thought that last little part was hilarious. Can you imagine? YIKES. Yeah, I'm on the end of the row of the standing (I'd say girls but in those uniforms you'd never really know!) "people" smiling and waving. That was us, the Clarinet Mafia. Anyway, poor Blondie. I'm gonna laugh about this all night.
I have NEVER have a conversation on Facebook like that. Big heads AND vulvas!?!
Jules If you remember correctley he was a vert bitter boy who hid in the shirtales of the Loudermilk twins !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
@Andy: So glad you chimed in with the confirmation that he was, in fact, A BOY. :)
Regardless - he still clearly looks like he could benefit from having his vulva tickled. In fact he may be in desperate need of a good tickle.
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