Putting the Hump in Humpday: Here's to Javier Bardem's body of work; and well, his body.

Late last night one of my friends emailed me a link with the message, "I'm so sorry to break this to you!" I gulped and then clicked on the link, which was the news that (one of) my lovah(s), Javier Bardem, married Penelope Cruz. As soon as I read the headline, I actually said, "OH NOOOOOOOOO!" out loud. I really did. Obviously, Javier has been a victim of poor timing. Had he met ME first, Penelope wouldn't even be a blip on his radar. Ah, such is life. Poor Javi.

Somewhere in my drafts is not-yet-published post on the night I saw Vicky Cristina Barcelona. That will be a post for another day; it's taken me awhile to recover. SO. HOT.

A few days ago, I read that he'll be guest-starring on Glee next season. This was hilarious to all of my "Gleek" friends because I told them at the end of last season that Glee was dead to me unless, say, someone like Javier was on the show. I never actually thought he'd be on there, but there you go. Put something out into the universe & it can happen, it really can.

In light of the recent Bardem news, I thought it was a great time to bring back this post... especially because today is Wednesday. Enjoy! I do. ;)

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There's only one man who could get away with saying, "Usted va me deja tener mi manera con usted porque soy el hombre más caliente vivo." (You're going to let me have my way with you because I'm the hottest man alive), and that man is Javier Bardem. He's never said that to me, but only because it goes without saying. Because it's only delaying the inevitable so let's just get to it, shall we? The humpday post, I mean.

In 2004, I saw the movie "Mar Adentro" (The Sea Inside); based on the real-life story of Ramón Sampedro, a Spanish ship mechanic left quadriplegic after a diving accident, who fought a 28-year campaign in support of euthanasia and his right to end his own life. I fell for Javier Bardem immediately because of his stellar performance in this movie. Yes, it was his ACTING that got me. Seriously. No, really. This is proven by the fact that for most of the movie he looked like this:


Javier Bardem as Ramón Sampedro. An old man with kind eyes, totally huggable in that sweater; but definitely not sexy.


I was captivated by him right away, and made a mental note to rent some of his other films. I thought, "He's old so he must have a ton of movies under his belt". Keep in mind that this was 2004, before everyone on the planet knew him by name, or by face for that matter. When the flashback scene of the diving accident came on, showing what Javier Bardem REALLY looked like (and what was supposed to be Sampedro's character as a young man), I just about lost my mind. You crazy film industry makeup departments! You tricked me! This man is actually smokin' hot in real life, and for about 5 minutes in this movie they let him show it:


Since I couldn't find the diving scene on YouTube, I opted for this shot from the movie's official website. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some screen licking to do. HEY-OHHH!


That was how my Javier fixation appreciation began. A few months ago, I finally decided to watch every JB movie I hadn't already seen. I looked up his "resume", which to my delight reads mostly like details from a steamy novel:


Click to enlarge. As you can see by the numbers, I cut out the films that didn't fit in with the sexy theme (for illustrative purposes only. I did WATCH the movies that were without sexy titles in addition to these!) They're all a pretty stunning testament to "taking your work home with you". Rather, taking HIS work home with ME. The only one of this list I haven't seen yet (because Netflix doesn't have it) is "Jamon, Jamon", which directly translated is "Ham, Ham". Judging by the 18 & over trailer I found on YouTube, it might as well be called "Pork, Pork". No joke. I won't link to it here but do the search on YouTube and find out for yourself. Also no joke? Me, seeing that movie, even if I have to buy it.


One of my photography teachers adopted a saying that has stuck with me since college: "When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt". I have been delaying this Hump of the Month post not only so I could watch as many Javier Bardem movies as possible (you know, for research purposes; I'm nothing if not thorough!) but also because I wanted it to be all-encompassing. I wanted it to do Javier's superb "body of work" equally as much justice as I wanted to "do justice" to his "superb body"; if you know what I'm sayin' and I think you do.

In addition, I wanted this to be informative, not a fluff piece meant only for people to drool all over their keyboards while staring at photos like this one:


I would roll around in hot cigar ashes with him anytime.


At one point I even told a friend that I wanted to do a synopsis and review of all 20 JB movies I've seen, but I'm pretty sure I made that insane declaration in the middle of watching his thriller, Between Your Legs; and by the end of that movie--with it's jaw-droppingly shocking twist-- I realized that I was a FOOL to think I could easily sum up the complexity that is Javier and his chameleon-like acting. My summation for each of his movies, without going into great detail, would sound something like this: "He blows away the competition, you should definitely see everything he's ever been in. While you're doing that, I'm going to be over here licking my TV. Look away, look away I tell you!"; and that's just not helpful to anybody. Since his work speaks for itself, who am I to interrupt?


He deserved winning the Oscar for his performance in No Country for Old Men. Don't watch it at 7a.m. on a lazy Saturday like I did, though. It's a little too early in the day for that kind of murderous rampaging.


It has been really interesting to see his movies in order of their release date; to confirm that he is a really great actor and not just a pretty face with a hot body and an intoxicating accent to boot (universe, if you're listening, please send him to my doorstep ASAP). He has done such a variety of work and really commits to his character that it was never boring. Even if it had been boring, his looks would save him; but he never has to rely on that. There's just not a downside to watching the work of someone who qualifies as The Hump of the Month, trust me.

Some of you aren't big on the subtitles thing, and to that I say, SCREW THE SUBTITLES, HE'S HOT, WATCH HIM ANYWAY he is in plenty of english-language movies, so check those out.


UGH, her again? She needs to back off of my man before I unleash the motherf**king moonwalk!


If you have a new-favorite-actor based on only seeing a few of their movies, I highly recommend immersing yourself in their work. Start at the beginning, see their evolution, watch their growth through experience. In the meantime, there's always April's Hump of the Month to enjoy, Javier Bardem. I plan to enjoy him for a LONG time.

Click HERE to watch The Sea Inside's trailer, featuring the diving scene that made me realize that Javier Bardem wasn't really an old man in a huggable sweater as the rest of the movie would suggest.

In all seriousness, this movie is in my top 10 favorites of all time; and this man is in my top 3 favorite humps of all time. He might even be Numero Uno, but don't tell Jeremy.


Red and purple are my favorite colors, he'd look PERFECT in my bedroom.

To read previous Putting the Hump in Humpday posts, click HERE.

To read everything I've ever written (publicly, anyway!) about Javier Bardem, click HERE.

Smoker or not, you may need a cigarette after.


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