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Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Putting the Hump in Humpday: Bacon FTW*!

*FTW= For The Win

You read that headline right. Bacon is November's Hump of the Month! It's a little more interesting than that, though.

One of my neighbors is a really nice guy who has a cat. He used to walk the cat on a leash, but now just follows the cat around whenever he decides to let it get some fresh air. It seems that no matter when I open my door, they're both just outside of it, or whenever get home, they're by the mailbox. This happens several times a week, and nearly always happens on the weekends I'm in town (and probably when I'm not in town, for that matter!). Whenever I open my door, They're. Right. There. I don't want to make it sound worse than it is, because he's a harmless guy and as far as cats go, this one hasn't tried to kill me in my sleep yet (like THIS one), so it could be worse. However, I never really feel like doing the friendly nod or neighborly hello when they're literally on my doormat. This has happened more than once, the doormat sitting, and it scares the sh*t out of me every time.

My friends know about this, and many have witnessed it themselves. I find it unbelievably satisfying to see the look on a friend's face as they see him with their own eyes, especially after hearing all the stories about my neighbor's uncanny ability to be right outside my door at the exact time I decide to leave (it doesn't seem to matter if it's 8:30 a.m or 2 p.m.). One friend in particular, the aforementioned Scooter ("MY Alan Thicke?"), is a big fan of The Tomcat Tales™. Having witnessed it in person, she enjoys hearing about all the sightings when she's not here. I usually send her the details via text message before I get out of the parking lot.

Last week, there was this text messaging exchange:


Me: "Dead bird by mailbox. I suspect neighbor's cat, or neighbor himself."

Scooter: "I bet it was some kind of symbolic gesture of love."

Me: "Or some kind of symbolic gesture of violence."

Scooter: "That, too."


My friend KJ (aka Kristabella) has a feature on her blog in which she asks BACON the answers to life's toughest questions, and we get to submit the ones that perplex us the most. I decided it was time to get to the bottom of things with the neighbor & his cat, and I knew I could count on BACON to shed some light on the subject.


This is BACON and he has all the answers to everything.


Dear Bacon,
Why does my neighbor always take his cat for a walk right when I pull into the parking lot and why do they always linger near my door, when there’s a huge grassy area with trees and a creek and other things I assume a cat would enjoy 4 steps to the left?
Love your sizzle,
Jules

--

Dear Jules,
Bacon says that you really are preaching to the damn choir. You people have no idea the madness Bacon goes through on a daily basis with these stupid cats of Kristabella’s. Bacon wishes someone would come over and take them on a walk. And then just leave them outside for someone else to take home so Bacon could stop gathering dust and cat hair. But to answer your question, Bacon says you must “Taste Really Good” and that is why the cat is always lingering near your door. And Bacon guesses your neighbor really is hoping to find out how good you really taste, the cat on a leash is just an excuse to see you. And also the worst way ever to impress a woman.
Spittin' hot grease,
Bacon

--

Dear Bacon,
I’d like to kiss you, but I fear that when bringing you to my lips, I'd get a whiff of your deliciousness and then I’d end up eating you. It’s probably best we never get together. I will, however, make you the Hump of the Month for November. You've more than earned it.
Salivatingly yours,
Jules



That Bacon really knows his stuff, doesn't he? I think in addition to making him the HotM, I'll also show my appreciation for him by sharing this link for candied bacon ice cream with you. It's by David Lebovitz, who is a pastry genius, so don't get grossed out. It's probably great. Click HERE for the recipe. The best thing about it is that the photo of candied bacon ice cream makes me forget about cats altogether, or at least the one that tried to kill me in my sleep.


A big thank you to KJ for letting me incorporate Bacon's wisdom into this post, and especially for allowing the inclusion of Bacon's official portrait, no doubt taken by one of her cats.

13 comments:

Melisa said...

I will totally vouch for the fact that Jules' neighbor AND the cat are extremely creepy: like, on a scale of 1 to 10 they are, if I were to be conservative, a 425.

And by the way, I read about this in a magazine that I got a few days ago and actually thought of Kristabella, whose blog I have stopped by on occasion; I'm feeling lazy this morning and will leave the link here since I'm sure she'll stop by to make sure that Bacon was indeed properly represented: there is a Maple Bacon Doughnut at a place called Voodoo Doughnuts. (Where, by the way, the motto is "The Magic is in the Hole.")

http://voodoodoughnut.com/

You're welcome.

I'm done with this!

Spammon said...

Perhaps your neighbor is a cat man. It's normally reserved for lonely widows, but it sounds like he is using the cat as his wingman.

I believe what you need is some Uncle Oinkers Bacon Mints

Also, I saw this Bacon Ice Cream on Bizarre Foods with Any Zimmern. I gotta say, it looks pretty dang good! I'm going to give it a whirl and perhaps treat you to a review.

Stacey said...

Cat as a wingman. You'd never see that in Top Gun. Poor Bastard.

You should rent a dog. A large, loud dog for a couple of weeks and see if it cures their stalkerness.

Melissa said...

LOL Melisa, you forgot Good Day, Sir!

Jules, I love getting my daily dose of bacon on your site! And your neighbor? Seriously, creepy!!

Maybe you should try coming onto him and see what he does...

Kristabella said...

Bacon is going to get a huge head from all of this.

The Hotfessional said...

I've never met Bacon, but a certain 24 year old who lives in my basement has "WWUD" - that is What Would a Unicorn Do?

Jen said...

@Stacey: I am seriously, seriously disappointed that you let Melisa's quote, "The Magic is in the Hole" get by without at least a little giggle. I'm having a HUGE Beavis moment over it myself! Yes, I'm 12!

Melisa said...

Jen, I share your disappointment! Really, there is a whole cast of commenters that passed that one up...

I'm giggling with ya!

P.S. Reminds me of when I sent a letter to Amy Sedaris asking her to send Jules b-day greetings on her 30th...among several other items she sent in a big envelope, she signed a photo of herself in character as Jerri Blank from "Strangers with Candy":

"Happy Birthday Jules! I like the pole in the hole."

rjohn15183 said...

Ok ok ok! I get it! I'll stop hanging around with my cat! Jeez!

Mine gott what a country this is when a man can't put his hairy pussy on a leash and hang out in front of women's apartments without getting tagged as a 425 on the creepy scale.

I mean here you are guys on here routinely talking about dysons and vibrating robots and licking bowling balls and magic holes and shit but *I* am the creepy one- Yeah!

I mean if I was a peeper or some kind of mail stalker then I would never know about Mz. Julies "I'm blogging this!" panties that she bought from Thinkgeek.com last winter now would I?

Wait a minute that did not sound right- how do I edit this?

Stacey said...

Mine gott (totally going on my list of new favorite things to say)!! I just assumed that everyone knew The Magic was in The Hole. I mean, we are women after all. Hey-OHHHH! What a country. (P.S. I'm crying after reading Rob's post. God Bless the cold weather.)

Oh, and I second the idea of Jules coming onto Creepy Neighbor dude. He'd shit twice, then die. (Quick, Jules, what's that from?) :)

House of Jules said...

@SisMis: Sorry to correct you but Amy Sedaris signed her photo with, "I like the pole AND the hole", which is even funnier. She also wrote, "I'm as moist as a snack cake down there" which is the one that nearly made me cry from laughing. The Magic is in the Hole is a totally wasted slogan because it's implicit. Of COURSE the magic is in the hole. Why else would everyone be trying to get all up in there? I'm talking about Voodoo doughnut holes, you know that, right? Heh heh.

@Spammon: Perhaps he is. The cat isn't a very good wingman because if I'm trying to get to my door (or get OUT my door, for that matter!), he blocks the way and it's irritating. Also, there's the scare factor. I'm definitely not in a romantic mood when you frighten the shit out of me as I open my front door. As for the breath mints, uuummmm, I'll pass, but if you make that ice cream I definitely want a full report!!! The nutsnack review is going up tomorrow (Friday) for sure for sure for sure. Psyched.

@Stacey: Cat as wingman was so in Top Gun. Oh, wait, that was Val Kilmer as Ice. He should have been called "Cat" though, because he would have been more than welcome to sleep on top of me and suck my soul out from my face. Like that cat that tried to kill me, I mean... but sexier.

@KJ: Bacon should have a huge head. He's got all the goods to back it up!

@Hotfessional: Whhhaaat? How have you never met Bacon? This is not right. I love 24's shirt BTW. Priceless.

@Jen: Read what I wrote to my sister about the implicitness of the magic hole. Don't get me wrong, I'm a 12 year old Beavis, too...but still.

@Rob: HAHAHAHAHAHA, oh boy, I missed you! From now on, I'll be referring to you as "425", but in a good way.

@Stacey (again): ALL MEN, sista! So funny you wrote "What a country", b/c that is EXACTLY what I thought this morning when I got my first "splash guard" (mine gott, that sounds like a sexual thing, doesn't it?!) at Starbuck's. Read today's post to see what I'm talking about... but I seriously heard Yakov Smirnoff's voice in my head saying, "America! What a country!" Oh, and PAH-LEEZE. The shit twice & die is from 16 candles. Give me something challenging next time, you know I could do a one-woman show of that entire script since I know it by heart.

I'M DONE WITH THIS!

House of Jules said...

Ooops! @Melissa: I forgot to mention that there's NO WAY I'd make a play for him. Nice guy, not my type.

Ok, now I'm REALLY DONE WITH THIS!

Melisa said...

You can correct me anytime; I don't have a problem with being wrong. Either way, it is quite hysterical. I forgot about the snack cake part. She is so funny.