Putting the Hump in Humpday: Bacon FTW*!

*FTW= For The Win

You read that headline right. Bacon is November's Hump of the Month! It's a little more interesting than that, though.

One of my neighbors is a really nice guy who has a cat. He used to walk the cat on a leash, but now just follows the cat around whenever he decides to let it get some fresh air. It seems that no matter when I open my door, they're both just outside of it, or whenever get home, they're by the mailbox. This happens several times a week, and nearly always happens on the weekends I'm in town (and probably when I'm not in town, for that matter!). Whenever I open my door, They're. Right. There. I don't want to make it sound worse than it is, because he's a harmless guy and as far as cats go, this one hasn't tried to kill me in my sleep yet (like THIS one), so it could be worse. However, I never really feel like doing the friendly nod or neighborly hello when they're literally on my doormat. This has happened more than once, the doormat sitting, and it scares the sh*t out of me every time.

My friends know about this, and many have witnessed it themselves. I find it unbelievably satisfying to see the look on a friend's face as they see him with their own eyes, especially after hearing all the stories about my neighbor's uncanny ability to be right outside my door at the exact time I decide to leave (it doesn't seem to matter if it's 8:30 a.m or 2 p.m.). One friend in particular, the aforementioned Scooter ("MY Alan Thicke?"), is a big fan of The Tomcat Tales™. Having witnessed it in person, she enjoys hearing about all the sightings when she's not here. I usually send her the details via text message before I get out of the parking lot.

Last week, there was this text messaging exchange:

Me: "Dead bird by mailbox. I suspect neighbor's cat, or neighbor himself."

Scooter: "I bet it was some kind of symbolic gesture of love."

Me: "Or some kind of symbolic gesture of violence."

Scooter: "That, too."

My friend KJ (aka Kristabella) has a feature on her blog in which she asks BACON the answers to life's toughest questions, and we get to submit the ones that perplex us the most. I decided it was time to get to the bottom of things with the neighbor & his cat, and I knew I could count on BACON to shed some light on the subject.


This is BACON and he has all the answers to everything.

Dear Bacon,
Why does my neighbor always take his cat for a walk right when I pull into the parking lot and why do they always linger near my door, when there’s a huge grassy area with trees and a creek and other things I assume a cat would enjoy 4 steps to the left?
Love your sizzle,
Jules

--

Dear Jules,
Bacon says that you really are preaching to the damn choir. You people have no idea the madness Bacon goes through on a daily basis with these stupid cats of Kristabella’s. Bacon wishes someone would come over and take them on a walk. And then just leave them outside for someone else to take home so Bacon could stop gathering dust and cat hair. But to answer your question, Bacon says you must “Taste Really Good” and that is why the cat is always lingering near your door. And Bacon guesses your neighbor really is hoping to find out how good you really taste, the cat on a leash is just an excuse to see you. And also the worst way ever to impress a woman.
Spittin' hot grease,
Bacon

--

Dear Bacon,
I’d like to kiss you, but I fear that when bringing you to my lips, I'd get a whiff of your deliciousness and then I’d end up eating you. It’s probably best we never get together. I will, however, make you the Hump of the Month for November. You've more than earned it.
Salivatingly yours,
Jules

That Bacon really knows his stuff, doesn't he? I think in addition to making him the HotM, I'll also show my appreciation for him by sharing this link for candied bacon ice cream with you. It's by David Lebovitz, who is a pastry genius, so don't get grossed out. It's probably great. Click HERE for the recipe. The best thing about it is that the photo of candied bacon ice cream makes me forget about cats altogether, or at least the one that tried to kill me in my sleep.


A big thank you to KJ for letting me incorporate Bacon's wisdom into this post, and especially for allowing the inclusion of Bacon's official portrait, no doubt taken by one of her cats.