When I was 11, we took a road trip to visit old friends of the family for Thanksgiving. So many moments from that holiday weekend are permanently etched into my brain that I could write a book, or at least a short story. For now, though, there's this:
We were in a huge house with an extended family of people we referred to as our aunts, uncles and cousins even though they weren't blood relatives, and it was a blast. One night before dinner, all the kids (ages ranging from 11-19) were seated around the huge table laughing and carrying on. I specifically remember one of the older boys asking me about my boyfriend KC, whose picture I had just pulled out of the vinyl photo holder in my velcro wallet.
Just then, a mustachioed uncle cut through the dining room to get to the kitchen. Red-nosed and tipsy from wine, he tripped over our mascot, the family's golden retriever. As he bent down to see if the dog was okay, he said with slurred words and glassy eyes, "You have to really be sorry when apologizing to a dog, otherwise they know you're faking it. You reaaaaallly have to make some sweet love* to the dog. Or they'll know. That you're... hey, why are you all giggling?"
When I read this New Yorker column back in 2007, I was transported back to that night... in the very best way:
THE WISDOM OF CHILDREN, by Simon Rich
A Conversation at the Grownup Table, as Imagined at the Kids’ Table
MOM: Pass the wine, please. I want to become crazy.
DAD: O.K.
GRANDMOTHER: Did you see the politics? It made me angry.
DAD: Me, too. When it was over, I had sex.
UNCLE: I’m having sex right now.
DAD: We all are.
MOM: Let’s talk about which kid I like the best.
DAD: (laughing) You know, but you won’t tell.
MOM: If they ask me again, I might tell.
FRIEND FROM WORK: Hey, guess what! My voice is pretty loud!
DAD: (laughing) There are actual monsters in the world, but when my kids ask I pretend like there aren’t.
MOM: I’m angry! I’m angry all of a sudden!
DAD: I’m angry, too! We’re angry at each other!
MOM: Now everything is fine.
DAD: We just saw the PG-13 movie. It was so good.
MOM: There was a big sex.
FRIEND FROM WORK: I am the loudest! I am the loudest!
(Everybody laughs.)
MOM: I had a lot of wine, and now I’m crazy!
GRANDFATHER: Hey, do you guys know what God looks like?
ALL: Yes.
GRANDFATHER: Don’t tell the kids.
Happy Thanksgiving!
*Of course he didn't mean it like THAT, but we were a group of kids, and it was funny. In all honesty, I probably haven't matured one bit in the humor department since that night.
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3 comments:
Hehe why are you all giggeling? There's a long list of words or things you can't say to kids :)
I loved the New Yorker column. Thanks for sharing it. It's hilarious.
To many more converstation like yours back then. Happy Thanksgiving.
Was that the Thanksgiving we saw "Purple Rain"?
I don't remember anything about anyone recommending that one should make some sweet love to dogs (ha: you're gonna get some pervs over here on this one!), but I do remember being so very excited about going to see His Purpleness in one of the best movie events evah!
Wow, I don't think any of my holidays went quite like that...to bad, huh?
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