The Official House of Jules "Reviewer of All Things I Get Manufacturer Coupons For" is...

A few months back I wrote a post that I'm quoting in part here:

I've already written about how my job has involved many pitch meetings for different products, and that I probably pay attention to commercials, slogans, and advertising in general more than the average person does. I think about what goes into a pitch meeting, and how I'm sure some advertising agencies must be amazed when a client goes with (and pays big money for) some half-baked or unintentionally hilarious idea. The following product slogan fits right into the "How did the marketing department get away with that?" category. This is the perfect example of a commercial that a roomful of men must have scripted:


Double-click on either 'play' arrow if you have trouble with the video

We started with a simple almond. Added pecans, peanuts and a hint of sweetness. The result? An extraordinary nutsnack.

That nutsnack line in the commercial got a ton of internet buzz, and shortly thereafter I was saddened to see that they changed the commercial to simply end with "...an extraordinary SNACK". They took all the joy out of that ad for me. Oh well. In the meantime, I had already e-mailed the True North company to request free product samples for reviewing purposes. They e-mailed back that they don't do samples, BUT that they'd send me some coupons to use. Those True North people are on top of things because I got 3 coupons less than a week later, along with a very nice letter. I loved them already.

Since it seems I'm easily seduced by letters from the people who created the supposed extraordinary nutsnacks, I knew I would need someone else to do the actual product review for me. It would have to be someone honest because at the end of the day I'm trying to find out if True North has in fact made an extraordinary nutsnack or not. Extraordinary isn't a descriptor to just toss about casually, especially when referring to nuts, of all things, and I wanted to make sure, in the name of science, that they weren't trying to deceive people by using fancy ten dollar words to promote NUTS. Besides the reviewer being an honest person, they'd have to be game for documenting the experience. I suppose not being allergic to nuts is another important quality for the reviewer to have, but I figured if they were allergic to nuts they'd bring it up before getting started, or they'd ask me to also provide an EpiPen, which I was okay with. This is serious business! Sometimes you just have to swallow (pun intended) your fear of anaphylactic shock and eat some nuts!

It took me all of 2 seconds to think of the right guy for the job. A few months back, he got really pissed that he hadn't ever won any of the House of Jules giveaways, the breaking point being when he didn't win a keychain I bought at the George Michael concert... AND HE'S A STRAIGHT DUDE. Clearly, that's the guy for the job... and "that guy" is Spammon!

The first thing I had to do was decide which kind of True North nutsnacks to use the coupons on. There's a lot of True North nutsnack variety on the store shelves, so this took longer than I thought it would. Here are the ones I bought:


True North Nutsnacks

Then I had to decide which to send to Spam & his extraordinary Fam. I was already mentally exhausted from all the time I spent in the nutsnack aisle of the store, so I decided to avoid making any additional decisions for the rest of the day.

This led me to do a "Blind Nutsnack Grab", which is:

A) What tipsy ladies (ahem) have been known to do at parties.

B) Kind of like bobbing for apples except there isn't any water involved, or apples for that matter.

C) None of the above, and even though you're intrigued with choice B, you really hope it's choice A.

If you picked choice B, you're right! Technically, choices A and C aren't wrong, either... but neither apply to this particular post.


Anyway, I closed my eyes and the one I grabbed from the store's plastic bag first is the one I sent. As a joke, I also sent along a .99 bag 'o nuts from Walgreens that looked pretty gross. Even though I made it clear I didn't expect him to try that one, HE DID ANYWAY, and in doing so solidified himself as "The Official House of Jules Reviewer of All Things I Get Manufacturer Coupons For" from here on out.

Without further ado, I give the proverbial floor to Mr. Daily Rebuttal himself:

True North Pecan Almond Peanut Clusters (TNPAPC) vs. Walgreens Premium Mixed Nuts (WPMN) Review Face-Off!

A quick background to the review on the TNPAPC’s. I’ve broken the review into a two different areas: Presentation and Performance. Since I was given 2 different products, this review also turned into a face-off. Each product will have the chance to win 5 stars for each review.

PRESENTATION!

It's on like Donkey Kong!

WPMN: My first impression of the WPMN’s is that the packaging was clear. This let me see exactly what I was going to eat, which is a definite plus if these snacks are going into my mouth. I don’t want surprises when it comes to this. The nuts-- a mix of almonds, pistachios and cashews-- weren’t unpleasant. That said, they also weren’t spectacular. I also got a good glimpse of the price. $.99 is branded on the top right, and that turns me off. I prefer not to have an unremovable price on something. If I decided to use these as stocking stuffers, I wouldn't want anyone thinking I’m too cheap to join the party. Also, it has Walgreens printed on it. What does this say? It says I went to go get my prescription for athletes foot and saw a package of mixed nuts hanging on the counter. This packaging definitely says I’m eating these myself because they are not fit for gifting, and that's why they only got 2 stars.

TNPAPC: Although the True North packaging lacks a window, they have a pleasing picture with a cluster of nuts seemingly bursting with nutty flavor on the front. You don’t have to have a lot of busyness to make something look desirable. True North has accomplished this with clean packaging design, and that works for me. Another big plus is that the package is resealable. I don’t risk my snacks getting stale and I will be able to enjoy these for the next few months. I give TNPAPC’s packaging 4 stars. I couldn’t award it 5 because although it’s nice, it didn’t make my jaw drop.

--

PERFORMANCE!

WPNM vs. TNPAPC

WPMN average performance score:1/2

Porter says...
Porter enjoyed the nuts and went for seconds.


Linds says...
“If it were on day when I ate bad and needed something light with no guilt, I would go for the WPMN’s. The flavor was bland but not terrible.”


Spammon says...
 "The nuts were extremely bland. I feel these needed salt or something to bring out the flavor. In fact, they didn’t even have a full natural flavor about them. But on the flip side, at least they didn’t taste like feet."

--

TNPAPC average performance score: 1/2

Porter says...
Porter enjoyed the nuts and went for seconds.


Linds says...
“I thought it was just the right balance of salty and sweet. It wasn’t overly sweet that I got a tooth ache, but not too salty where I needed a gallon of water. I couldn’t give it a 5 because the peanuts were a little too dominant. But then again, I’m not a peanut person.”


Spammon says...
“After looking at the package and the picture for the last few weeks, I was expecting something similar to Poppycock. Instead, I was hit with an extraordinary flavor. It’s sort of sweet, yet sort of salty. There was a bit of a letdown because I was expecting that Poppycock/caramel flavor, but that disappointment was gone in seconds with the True North extraordinary taste. I was also very pleased that it wasn’t hard like peanut brittle, because the picture made me think I could break my teeth if I wasn't careful. Instead, it was easy on the teeth and smooth on the way down. I was also very happy that they weren’t extremely sticky, so I could avoid washing my hands every 2 minutes. I give them 4 stars. I didn’t go the full 5-star rating because although I was very satisfied with the taste, it didn’t launch my taste buds out of the roof of my mouth.”


To recap, the True North Pecan Almond Peanut Clusters were great. They are a fun snack and very tasty. I might even say they could be poured in milk and enjoyed for breakfast. I would probably call it Grape Nuts on Steroids. Although they won’t replace my favorite snack (sunflower seeds), I could definitely see myself buying these in the future and trying some other flavors. If you haven’t tried them yet, they are worth your time and money. So if you haven’t got anything going on tonight, grab your significant other, a movie, some licorice and skip the popcorn, because it just might be an extraordinary nutsnack night.

Many thanks to Spammon, Linds & that 5-star palate of the adorable Porter for such a thorough nutsnack review! You guys are the B.O.M.B.!

They're so big that AC/DC wrote a song about them

Double-click on either 'play' arrow if you have trouble with the video.

I really do have the biggest balls of them all. Grandé gonads. I'm talking, HUGE. Figuratively speaking, of course.

My sister & I had seats in the nosebleed section for George Michael's show at the United Center. Normally, nosebleed seats are okay with me because I think ANY seat is a good seat at a live show. Sure, sometimes I'll get carried away and go for the best available, but only when I feel like it would otherwise be a missed opportunity. Like the time we were at an on-site Ticketmaster location picking numbers out of a hat to determine our place in line for tickets to see Lenny Kravitz. I picked #1. As in, FIRST TO HAVE MY CHOICE OF ANY SEAT IN THE HOUSE. That is called luck. We decided that instead of buying the lawn seats, we'd go all in, just for kicks. 

That's how we ended up 6 rows from Lenny during the entire show with the exception of the 5 minutes he leaned his sinewy and half-naked body into the waiting arms of the crowd, and my outstretched hand was literally millimeters from his beautifully sculpted and tattooed bicep. I'm actually glad he wasn't closer, because had that been the case, you would now be reading about that one time my lawyer advised against using "What do you expect, I'm only human! Have you SEEN him?" as my defense in court for licking Lenny Kravitz's hot bod. 

Oooh, Lenny's hot and probably very tasty bod... I need a moment.

Where was I? Oh yes, nosebleed seats. We were in the car on our way to grab a bite before the concert. I had yet to tell my sister about some e-mails sent to strangers on my lunch break because I didn't know what the outcome would be. 

At 5:45 p.m., my phone rang. It was a number I didn't recognize, but I knew the area code, and took a deep breath before answering. A decision had been made and some information was exchanged; logistics, passwords, horoscopes, the secret handshake, a limerick.

By the time I hung up three things were evident: 1) I had no control over the fact that I was hearing myself scream about my sizeable balls, 2) my sister was VERY confused and wanted to know what was going on, and 3) We could look forward to being a mere 50 feet away from George now that we had insanely great $250 seats in the 4th row of section 122. For FREE.*

I would love to tell you every specific detail on how I got those tickets from someone I don't even know, but then I'd have to kill you. Just kidding, I wouldn't really have to kill you; but it is beside the point I'm trying to make here, which goes beyond "good" seats at concerts. What I'm trying to tell you is this:

Open your mouth and ask for what you want. This goes for run-of-the-mill AND outrageous things. I have lived by that rule since I was 19, and it has worked for me more times than I can count. 

Last year, after getting a direct e-mail from the author of a book, thanking me for a post I wrote about my excitement for the release date, I e-mailed back asking him to sign the book for me once it was out. He had plenty of other things do besides give into the whims of a stranger but enjoyed both my enthusiasm and a challenge since he was shuttling between countries and continents at the time. We figured out a plan and he somehow found the time to get to the post office in a city he doesn't even LIVE in on his last day there to pick up the book I'd shipped overnight specifically for the purpose of opening the box in the post office, signing the book, and immediately sending it back to me. It was all quite a thrilling adventure that wasn't without mishaps. You can read (and should!) the whole entertaining story on that HERE. We're still in contact, by the way... and the next time we're in the same country we're totally meeting for a drink. 

One more example: Want to know how I have a 4-day workweek with every Friday off? I asked for it. Had they said no, it wouldn't have been a deal-breaker, but I asked anyway and got it.

My sister said something on Wednesday night about me being lucky, but luck is when something falls unexpectedly into your lap, like being first in line to buy Lenny Kravitz tickets. Giving the credit to luck when you've clearly asked for something disregards not only the effort put forth in the initial asking of the question, but does even more of a disservice to the person who decidedly says yes. 

So, what are you waiting for? Get some big, figurative balls of your own and start asking for what you want from every facet of this life. Of YOUR life. It's yours to live and there are people out there who will be glad to conspire with you in ways you have yet to imagine. Ask for what you want from the people you know and especially the people you don't. One thing is certain: if you never ask, you'll NEVER get it. When the worst that can happen is that someone says, "no", you should always go for it. Come from a sincere place and ask for what you want. You'll be surprised at how many times people say yes!

Then, whenever possible, send thank-you notes. Being ballsy is something to be celebrated. Being ungrateful is not.

*To be clear, the $250 seats we got were not taken away from a child in the Make-a-Wish program, or anyone else for that matter.

--

As for those who are interested in how G.M. was live, I can only say that you better get your tickets while you can. He was incredible. I worried that maybe at this point in his career, he'd phone in the performance. He did no such thing. It was a tremendous show, and ranks among the top 5 favorite live performances of all time, and I've seen lots of live shows. He blew the doors off the joint, and I can only hope his idea of a farewell tour is the same as Cher's and The Rolling Stones'... that it goes on for decades, seemingly without end.

My camera phone seems to have a wide angle lens. We were closer than it appears from this shot. This is precisely when I had my heart attack.


Yes, I know camera phone photo quality can suck, but I can only blame myself for these blurry shots. It's as good as it gets when you're involuntarily jumping and singing and cheering and clapping.


You can't really see that he's standing in the shadows on stage, but the silhouette on screen proves it. So. Much. Awesome!


My desk on Thursday morning. My boss thought I'd like some creative inspiration to carry me through the day. I got the last laugh when I told him where we ended up sitting!

The seating chart my sister worked up to show you both our nosebleed and eventual AMAZING seats. Click image to enlarge and then click HERE to read her post on the night, complete with the set list and youtube videos.

Wooooo, it's getting serious up in here!

Thursday's post led to some great back-and-forth in the comments, so I'm going to hold off on a new post until tomorrow or Monday. Feel free to join us with your 2 cents in yesterday's comments!

I know, I said, "back-and-forth"!

You can't beat this meat!

Go on, say it. I know you're dying to. Alright, I'll say it for you:

"That's what she said."

There, feel better? I know I do. It's difficult for me to think clearly right now, let alone type. I'm preoccupied with how much time I have left before they cart me off to meat detox (Meat-tox? Meat-hab?), because after our party of 9 ate HERE for dinner tonight, I figure that it's only a matter of time.

While I'm waiting for them to take me away, I am enjoying my favorite--and very timely--Pink Martini song, Brazil.


Try not to shake your ass to this song, I dare you. Be sure to use caution if you just ate your weight in delicious Brazilian-cooked meat.

Looks like everybody is getting something!

Today my phone was flashing the little envelope icon, signifying that my text message inbox is full and I need to trash some of the old ones. I went through them, deleting rather quickly until I came across one from my good friend J.C. (no, not THEE J.C., as you'll soon realize) that made me laugh out loud:


I don't recall reading this message when it came in, late one night last month, so maybe I was "getting" the same thing J.C. was "getting" when she sent it.