If anything could make me do a flying karate kick from happiness, this would definitely do the trick

The geniuses at Chunklet have supplied the universe with the most exciting discovery in the history of music, including the first caveman who ever knocked a couple of sticks together, banged them on rocks and then tossed them into the crowd after grunting what has become the traditional end-of-show "Thank you and goodnight!" that we're so accustomed to hearing. Of course, the caveman who caught those sticks was probably the one who decided to rub them together and make fire, but I don't want to get off topic, because what I'm about to share with you is more important than FIRE. What's that, you ask? They have somehow found the vocals-only track of David Lee Roth singing the Van Halen hit, Runnin' with the Devil, and it's better than you can even imagine. Here's part of their set-up:

...if Van Halen just kept with what worked, the "dark years" (aka "Anything With Sammy") would never have happened. Sure, they had number one songs and albums, but dammit, Dave was the soul of the band**! The zen-cum-slapstick comedian of the group! I defy you to prove me otherwise. To prove my point, listen to this mp3! PROVE! ME! WRONG!"

I have actually played the vocals-only track at the same time as the actual song from their CD, and I cried from all that laughing. The only thing that might top this vocals-only track would be the one for Just a Gigolo. Just the thought of hearing him skat not only, "Hummala bebhuhla zeebuhla boobuhla hummala bebhuhla zeebuhla bop" but sing the ENTIRE SONG a cappella, makes me happy in my pants.


**For the record, no matter how much DLR amuses me, I love Van Hagar/Sam Halen more than the original Halen; so while I disagree with the writer over at Chunklet referring to Sammy's VH as "The dark years", the mp3 of DLR's singing is too good to keep to myself.

Just a warning in advance: you will probably not be able to keep your laughter to yourself, so if you're acting like you're hard at work in your office, but you're really reading this blog instead, you better either plug in your headphones or wait until the people without a sense of humor leave the area. Without further ado, Click here to experience this great thing of beauty.


Original source (via Boing Boing), where you'll also see a photo from behind of DLR wearing ass-less chaps, which I didn't think you needed to see first thing in the morning. You're welcome.


This post is dedicated to MM, BS & AP; in memory of all the good times, and also because That's. What's. Going. Down. On-the-inside. Don't let this get arouuuund. To-the-outside.

In our circle, you have to ask a specific question to get a specific answer

In the midst of a phone call with a friend, discussing an upcoming and long-awaited hot date:

So, what are you wearing?

Right now or on Saturday night?

Mikey, Data, Mouth, Chunk & Sloth are all standing by. All I have to do is say the word!

Dear Josh Brolin,
It's not enough that you starred with my boyfriend, Javier Bardem in your latest movie, No Country For Old Men? Now you dare to disrespect me tonight on the red carpet with this? You don't see me laying one on your gorgeous and talented wife, Diane Lane, do you? No, you don't.

Don't make me tie you up Goonies-style!

Jeremy is irresistible, I get it, but I will only say this once: you'd better step off of my Pivs, because there's NO COUNTRY FOR INJURED MEN, EITHER.


That's Jeremy's "WTF is happening to me" look, it's not the "I'm enjoying this" look it seems to be. Trust!

Source

The second most overused phrase in all our years of friendship: "How did we even get ON this subject?". You don't want to know what the first one is.

Last night Anastasia Beaverhausen (aka Jen) and I were on the phone, going over some things we're collaborating on. Other than the fact that during these calls, she's usually sitting on the John Deere lawn tractor in their garage, beer-in-hand (she lives in Texas, it's state law) and the fact that I'm usually lying in bed trying to keep warm under my down comforter, red wine-in-hand (naturally), we treat these conversations like teleconferenced business meetings. We get a lot done when we're in "Billable Time", or B.T.  Non-billable time involves a lot of short text messages to each other that end with, "Longr vrsion 2nite in B.T.".

Once in awhile during B.T., her husband will come out to her office the garage to get another beer and to tell us to quiet down because the kids are trying to sleep ask why she only laughs like that when we're on the phone find out when I'm coming back for a visit make us woozy with his impression of Barry White, which sounds just like this:


Double-click on the 'play' arrow if you have trouble with the imeem player.


The only difference being that her husband uses his own deep voice to recite the script from those Arby's commercials that Barry White did, the description of a sandwich pouring out of his mouth slow-like-molasses, our giddy reactions doing nothing but encouraging him to continue. That is, until he gets sick of hearing himself say, "Ohhh baby, Beeeeef and Cheddar. Molten hot cheddar cheese dripping down over thinly sliced beef, on a freshly baked bun. Beefffff and cheddarrrrr, it's what you want to eaaaattttt, baby...". 

I say until HE gets sick of it, because we never will. I digress.


Some important points we went over last night in B.T. were...

Necessity really is the mother of invention:

JEN: "V. and her company will be at ShoWest with all of Hollywood again this year. Once she was even alone in an elevator with Ben Affleck. Wouldn't THAT be fun?"

ME: "I don't know, I get the feeling that Ben Affleck is the kind of guy who would definitely have something to say if you tried to seduce him in an elevator. He doesn't seem like the just-go-with-the-flow type that scenerio would require."

JEN: "Honey, that's what duct tape was invented for."



The internet is an important tool when you need the correct spelling, usage and definition of one of her mom's favorite words, (which for the record is pronounced GOH-SH):

JEN: "Is the word "Gauche" spelled with an 'a' or an 'o'?"

ME: "An 'a', and I know this because I looked it up earlier at Dictionary.com. Wait, there's a definition on *Urbandictionary.com for 'Gouche' with an 'o'. Let me see what that means... {typing, then gasping} Uh, I don't think you're ready to hear what the Urban Dictionary says the word 'gouche' means. It's definitely not the same thing as 'gauche'. For starters, 'gouche' rhymes with 'douche', and that's the least offensive thing about it. By the way, I have been calling what they say 'gouche' means something else entirely for many, many years."

{typing on a keyboard} JEN: "Ok, now I gotta see this for myself."


We proceeded to laugh so hard that one of us almost passed out. The thought of her mother uttering the word 'gouche' (which to my knowledge she never has) instead of 'gauche', is too much hilarity to even express in words. I just want to take a second to tell you that the definition of this 'gouche' is not for the faint of heart, so don't say I didn't warn you if you decide to look it up yourself.

The conversation continues as we're both reading down the page:

ME: "Did you see the example sentence in that 2nd definition? I think that's my new favorite example sentence of all time, and not just because of the total disregard for spelling or punctuation. Obviously the word 'gouche' rises above any punctuation you would ever dare to put near it. It's like the superhero of words."

JEN: "That settles it, I'm keeping the 'o' in. Goooouche. It just feels right."



If you want to spend the evening with an 80's icon, as well as have the perfect take-home gift for everyone on your list, go no further than Billy Bob's Texas:

JEN: "I forgot to tell you that there is a group of 20 of us going to see Rick Springfield in a couple of weeks!"

ME: "I am so glad I didn't know far enough in advance to join you. I've seen him live so please understand that I'm the person you don't want to be next to at a Rick Springfield concert. I have two words for you: Jessie's Girl. As soon as I hear the opening notes of that song, I go batsh*t-crazy. You don't even want to see me when he gets to my favorite line; "She's lovin' him with that body, I just know it!".


Double-click on the 'play' arrow if you have trouble with the imeem player.


JEN: "Oh trust me, I might out-batsh*t-crazy you. I've never seen him in concert, so it's going to be insane. You should look up the venue website. You know how some bars have those mechanical bulls people can ride? Well, Billy Bob's Texas has actual live...."

ME: "Don't even tell me they have actual cowboys walking around that you can ride, because if that's the case, I'm leaving everything behind and moving to Texas right now. Tonight."

JEN: "Uh, no, I was going to say that they have live rodeo-style bull riding."

ME: "Same difference!"

{Both of us start singing, "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy"; which is the kind of unplanned synchronicity that our friendship was built on.}


Double-click on the 'play' arrow if you have trouble with the imeem player.


Somehow I end up looking at the online gift shop for Billy Bob's and come across "The Bullie", otherwise known as El Saco De Toro:

El Whato De Toro?

The description was So. Very. Descriptive., that I couldn't read the whole thing out loud without laughing; so I told Anastasia that she'd have to get back online immediately and read it for herself.

"You can be the proud owner of an original Saco De Toro "Bullie". An actual scrotum of the king of the range. It came from a proud, virile beast and at one time contained the seeds of life and the future of the herd. Bullies have weathered the heat of summers and the cold winds of winters. The scars and blemishes on the "Bullie" are indicative of the hardships endured by the beast. You can be assured that there are no two "Bullies" alike. They are as distinctive as fingerprints and come in different colors, sizes, shapes, and textures. Your "Bullie" will be unique, useful, conversational and expressive. From a planter to a golf ball holder its uses are limited only by your imagination!"

I don't have to tell you that she already has one on order, and that is no joke. At first she said she was going to give it to her husband for Valentine's Day (so romantic, especially when filled with candy kisses!) but about 2.5 seconds later we were coming up with all the things she could use it for, like the designated holder of keys, mail and small change; a safe place for sunglasses or a small beer cooler just to name a few. My favorite is the visual of the Bullie being used as her new purse. It would be a shame to keep that leather whip-stitching around the top to herself, she should show it off around town! When she did a search for it (comparison shopping, you know), she found one description that said it was the perfect mini-trash can! El Saco, indeed!


Nearly 2 hours of Billable Time later, we closed with this:

Me: "I am so exhausted from this conversation. Our friendship has basically been 2 decades of training for the laugh-riot that was this phone call, and yet it still wasn't enough preparation."

JEN: "I know, I feel like such a gouche."

ME: "How did we even get ON this subject?"

......



*For the record, I have a long and distinguished (alright, not so distinguished) history with the Urban Dictionary. My friend Shoni has sent me the actual Urban Dictionary books over the years, and I will often randomly flip through them because they are hilarious. In case you're wondering, my favorite Urban Dictionary definition of all time is for the word CRYMAX. I can't imagine a sentiment more poetic than that verb. Just having that word and it's meaning in my vocabulary makes me smile.

Avoidance and Denial; one of those ain't just a river in Egypt

Note to Readers: I don't know what's gotten into me but tonight I'm posting one of each of the 2 things I usually avoid writing about, and I'm posting them together even though it might seem in-bad-taste (and if you're surprised to find a post on my blog that is less than the highest of decorum, let me welcome you, new readers, because everyone else already knows where the bar is set around here!).
.......

There are 2 things on this blog that I usually avoid like the plague: online quizzes and famous-people-memorial-posts, and the reasons for avoidance are actually the same. If everyone has already written about it, reported on it, or talked about it, will readers still be interested in more of the same from another blog? I don't have a definitive answer to that because there are too many variables, but I'm a classic over-thinker, so the path my brain takes is this: If you have a couple of hours free, maybe you're looking to read up on all kinds of varying topics so that there will be something to talk to your ex-boyfriend about later over a dinner of re-heated yet lukewarm lasagna that really wasn't that tasty even when it was hot & fresh (the ex-boyfriend, not the lasagna); or on the flip side, if you have a full presentation for a client meeting due in 20 minutes and you still have at least 45 minutes of work to get done, you're definitely going to want to read up on the same topic repeatedly in an effort to avoid the panic that is about to blow up in your face like an atomic bomb. Or maybe that's just me.

Initially part of the allure of posting the results of a quiz I picked up from my sister's blog (who got it from Kat's blog) was to avoid writing a post on Heath Ledger's untimely passing, but I don't think that went very well since I just spent 40 minutes editing a very long post I wrote about him yesterday, so here is what remains for public consumption: My friend Shoni & I watched Heath's breakout film, Ten Things I Hate About You, a teen angst-y adaptation of Shakespeare's The Taming of the Shrew, countless times after she got it on DVD in '99; and though he purposely avoided (there it is again, the topic of the day!) doing any other movies in that specific genre afterwards, that initial role was all it took for us to sit up and take notice of him. The last film I saw him in was his Academy Award nominated role in Brokeback Mountain, a film so beautifully shot while simultaneously having the most brilliantly acted and utterly depressing storyline that it put me in a funk for weeks. While I didn't know him personally, I felt (and still feel) really disturbed when I heard the news, so R.I.P. Heath Ledger.
.......

...And now for something completely different. Here are the long-awaited, possibly too-hyped-up results from the online quiz, "What Donut Are You?". Honestly, I think this quiz should have just been called, "The WHO, ME? Quiz by Captain Obvious" because it is eerily accurate:


Nah, you think?!

You can take it yourself HERE, if for no other reason than you'll have something to talk about when you & your ex-boyfriend get together for dinner.

Men take note: Internet search engines have me figured out.

This will be a very proud moment for my parents!

I'm always interested in seeing the how people who don't know me personally make their way to my blog, so I have a meter listing that kind of information. I never imagined how many different ways people would find their way here, and recently one in particular stood out in the crowd begging for some attention.

The words highlighted are what someone in Cali (There is more bounce in California!) typed into a search engine before finding their way here:


"blog on male crotches"

The actual post their search led them to doesn't even have the words "male crotches" in it (though admittedly, and this will be no surprise to anyone, it does apply), so I'm not quite sure how that particular post was chosen by the search engine, unless the search engine is a subscriber to my RSS feed, and has a very good grasp of the underlying tone of this blog as a whole.

So, here it is, friends, the post you would otherwise (possibly) wonder about, the one that my newest California subscriber (whoever you are, I like you for your ability to cut to the chase of your search terminology!) must have found suitable for whatever purpose they had in mind:

--

Lead-based paint good for something: killing irreverent humor, also "the mood".

Utah, I didn't know you had it in you! Who knew that you could have your mind in the gutter like the rest of the states? This makes me really like you, Utah; and you should definitely call me.

(If you have trouble playing the video, double-click on either "play" arrow)

The anchor on the left has the best unintentional innuendo ever: "There's nothing to see, nothing to see!" to which I'm sure the anchor on the right wants to say, "Oh hell yes, there is."

If newscasts were always this entertaining, maybe my generation would actually bother to watch on a nightly basis. You hear that, Katie Couric?

--

Utah, I didn't know you had it in you! was originally posted on November 15th, 2007.

All his fancy book-learnin' and he still wouldn't know IRONY if it hit him in the mouth!

I need you to ignore the troubled female who is the topic of every media outlet in the universe and please focus on helping me understand why anyone would MAKE A PUBLIC STATEMENT on regretting the PREVIOUS PUBLIC STATEMENT:


Also "not helpful"? Another public statement.

Now is as good a time as any to share the importance of utilizing the occupational training (skills that pay the bills) of your friends to your own personal advantage. You have to pay them back in kind, though. I reimburse my friends with photography and design work or in charming witticisms, though I'm sure they'd prefer cash. 

I have two who most often answer the pressing questions that keep me awake at night. Staci (with an "i") is an orthodontist who always treats my frantic e-mails with the kind of respect that only someone with impeccable bedside manner and infinite patience is capable of. Especially because these e-mails usually begin with something like, "What in sam hell happened to the roof of this woman's mouth and could it have been caused by watching too much reality TV, because if so I could be in trouble, right!?" or "When you volunteered at that clinic, did you treat any meth addicts who smoked their own teeth because I just read an article about a man who actually did that and I am still in disbelief!?".

She should not be confused with Stacey (with an 'ey'), a nurse currently back in med school on her way to becoming a doctor. I talk to her about things like what it takes to REALLY impress Clooney and how doing Jägerbombs leads to *inappropriate touching (whatever THAT is). All weighty, far-reaching topics that Indiana University is bound to do research studies on, fingers crossed. I don't abuse their free advice and my questions are always of the utmost importance. Like the subjects of this trio of e-mails between Orthodontist-Staci and I:

Stac,
Please tell me, assuming that you can get past the enormity of his cranium, if any of Dr. Phil's chompers are real. While you're at it, why have Cruizazy's front teeth grown out of his noggin all shifted over sideways? Was it all the couch-jumping? Be honest.



Head size comparison to scale. Yes, Dr. Phil's is that enormous.

Jules,
Dr. Phil has had major dental work; probably a crown (cap) on EVERY. SINGLE. TOOTH. Tom Cruise is missing an upper left tooth near the front (I believe it's the upper left lateral incisor), so his dental midline is totally shifted over to the left. I don't know what those braces he had a while ago did, but it really didn't fix it. His teeth are still f**ked up.

Stac,
Do they make crowns that would fit over Dr. Phil's entire mouth (mustache and all) because he really could use one as a deterrent to making all of these regrettable public statements. In regards to Cruise: Interesting that his teeth and his public image continue to be equally f**ked up after making that regrettable public statement about Brooke Shield's postpartum depression. What can only be next for Dr. Phil is to take his own turn jumping on Oprah's couch. Oh wait, that's how he got his own talk show.

*For the record, I still call bullsh*t on the whole "inappropriate touching" thing.

It's just a simple case of mistaken identity

This was supposed to be one of those just between us nicknames that a man adoringly gives his woman, but I feel the need to go public with it since the following news story just broke in all the tabloids:


"Brunette and curvy?" Clearly this gossip is about me. Sadly, this is not the first or last time the media will confuse me with the Queen of Burlesque.

Yes, it's true. Jeremy calls me "Von Teese" "Von Tease" (in the privacy of our own home, I might add!) for two reasons. The first one is probably obvious, so I won't even spell that out for you. The second is because I bathe in a 4-foot martini glass.

Surely you can understand how this would be confusing for the gossip columnists.

Source

Happy Beerthday, Bro!

When I was little I always wanted an older brother to help me out of the sticky situations I seemed to find myself in, which back then mainly consisted of trying to avoid the wrath of the boys in our neighborhood who thought they owned the pavement that my friends & I were trying to ride our banana-seated bikes around on. I knew they couldn't keep us from riding where we wanted to and made idle threats in retaliation; but had nothing concrete to back them up with, except for my collection of puffy unicorn stickers that I was sure held magical powers. (Hello? They were puffy unicorns! Name one thing more magical than that.)

In those days of yore, my sister & I were not compatible in any way, shape, or form and it would have been refreshing to have that older brother around who could go forth and do my bidding for me, so that I could spin straw into gold and rule over all the land, amen.

In 1984, she decided to start stalking some dude who lived in our neighborhood, and she was hardcore; you'd never guess a nice girl like that had it in her, but oooof, did she ever. He was a year older and she made it her business to be his girl, which to her delight and my dismay, she succeeded. I quickly found out that there actually is something more magical than puffy unicorn stickers, and that is having a boyfriend who will do your bidding for you while your younger sister sits pouting in the corner, cursing the fact that she is outnumbered.

So, she had a boyfriend and to say that he & I didn't like each other was putting it lightly. I would have never believed it back when I was 11 but that dude who dated my sister would marry her a few years later, all the while neither he nor I being a fan of the other, and then in 1992 they'd have their first kid, who was the first of two amazing nephews, and on that very day I came to the realization that if I was going to be the best aunt in the world that my closest allies in that pursuit would logically be my sister and her husband. Pretty much everything changed for us that day, and we no longer tolerated/liked the other person so-so, but actually started to get to know one another like grown ups and since he had already been around our family for 8 years at that point, it didn't take long at all before I actually liked hanging out with him, and I was pretty sure he felt the same way.

I finally realized I had the older brother I always hoped to have. He's unbeatable in every way for a million reasons, some of which are:

1) When I had an old car he spent hours teaching me how to replace the brakes, fix a broken lock, replace belts; and I also learned that I look adorable with a little automotive grease on my face (according to Missy, anyway). He always answered my endless questions on how everything worked so that if there was something he couldn't teach me to fix myself, I would know enough about it that I avoided getting screwed over by repair shops.

2) He can whip up some tasty cajun food, and even homemade hot sauce.

3) He always has a beer on hand for you, because you're going to need it (see #2).

4) On game nights he can play a merciless round of Monopoly or RISK (which really is the only way to play, so I can appreciate that).

5) He might not appreciate my taste in reality television shows and it's apparent that he is a History Channel addict (gag), but we can agree on one thing for sure: Dirty Jobs all the way.

6) If Lenny Kravitz is coming to town, we're getting tickets. If Lenny Kravitz comes back to town, we're getting tickets.

7) He generally laughs at 99% of my jokes.

8) Even after 100 years together, he is still an amazing partner for my sister, so that whole stalking thing really worked out for all of us.

9) He has shown their sons by example what it means to be men and gentlemen (which are not mutually exclusive), and I have no doubt that one day they will be stellar fathers based on all they've learned from him.

10) He will do anything to help me out if I ever need him, and always at the end of it will say, "No sweat!" even if it was a huge pain in the neck.

Happy birthday, Mo! You rock. Let's have a Guinness or two, shall we?



Too many hot weekends of Missy's & my childhood were spent pulling weeds, dodging spiders and sweating bullets under this monster magnolia tree in the front yard of our Tennessee house, and that's the reason that I bet you money that I would never again do yard work of any kind. You say that one day it's gonna happen, but because I still have a visceral reaction to even seeing this photo, I can guarantee you'll never get the quarter I put up for your prize money if that fateful day ever comes. The real winnings for you on that day would actually be your own smug satisfaction, but my advice is for you to dream on since the prize I get if I stick to my guns by avoiding yard work is the whole not-doing-of-the-yard-work thing, forever. Definitely beats twenty-five cents and bragging rights any day of the week!


You came to pick Missy up for her prom and Charissa & I, 13 at the time, answered the door. I'm certain that had we seen An Officer and a Gentleman at that age we would have had an entirely different reaction to your uniform, one that involved swooning and encouraging you to carry her out the door to your car. Instead we made very poor attempts at stifling our laughter at your white bell bottoms.


1988-ish, Christmas festivities at Aunt Nancy & Uncle Chuck's. Missy, Mom & I had really incredible taste in awful sweatshirts.


The early days of our cooking show, Julie Flay and Jimeril Live! ("Slam!"). It's quite possible the only things we made that night were terrible fashion choices. I actually had to desaturate this photo so all the colors our sweaters wouldn't blind innocent bystanders. The actual color photo and it's corresponding negative should have been torn up and burned to a crisp years ago.


1991, the weekend Missy graduated from college and I graduated from high school. This photo pretty much says it all.


2003, Disney World. I found the sweet spot on Buzz Lightyear's Space Ranger Spin and kept nailing it over & over with my laser gun until my scoreboard in the rocketship Missy, Skippy & I were sharing could not get any higher. While everyone else on the ride was still trying to get close to my score (amateurs!) I took the next photo of You & Sparks, seeing as I had some time to spare:


I think you must be looking around for your ass because I just kicked it... Oh yeah, it's way over there!


Skippy, me, you, Sparks and Mis; the fabulous five. This is how we roll, yo.

I swear I just got a contact high from reading this exciting announcement, and so will you.

What he doesn't say is that they actually made their baby out of special herbs, some rolling papers and a few handfuls of play-doh.

From People.com:

Matthew McConaughey and girlfriend Camila Alves are expecting a child, the actor announced Tuesday on his Web site.

"My girlfriend Camila and I made a baby together," McConaughey writes. "It's 3 months growin in her womb and all looks healthy and lively so far. We are stoked and wowed by this miracle of creation and this gift from God, and so excited for the adventure that will come in raising this child, being mother and a father, and shepherding him or her through this life."

McConaughey adds: "Wish us the best, keep us in your prayers, and God bless evolution. Thanks for being fans of me and my work and now this new and miraculous chapter in my life, as me and Camila and our child do our best to just keep living."

He signs his message, "Wow, McConaughey."

McConaughey, 38, met Alves, 24, a Brazilian model whose family moved to L.A. when she was young, more than a year ago."

You'd think my favorite part of this news would be that he works in his best movie line ever, "just keep living" (which is from his breakout role in Dazed and Confused; and is even the name of his film production company!), but what got me really going was the last sentence, because it reads like his girlfriend and her family moved to Los Angeles MORE THAN A YEAR AGO when she was 22 & a half and "still young". You know, instead of the 24 year-old hag she is now.

"You just gotta keep livin', man. L-I-V-I-N."

Anyway, congrats to Matt and his old lady! Now pass the Doritos™ because I'm about to get the munchies.