Newton's Third Law of Motion

When you're behind a senior citizen who is fumbling through the motion of sliding her card through that payment machine at the register (due to a combination of painful-looking arthritic hands and the fact that she's from a different era, before slick technology took over everything), let me suggest that you conserve your energy.

Rolling your eyes, tapping your big black boots, sighing heavily, or going so far as to say, "C'mon! hurry up, lady!" under your breath--but loud enough for those of us behind you in line to hear--because she's not moving fast enough for you is either totally lost on the old person you're annoyed with or will make her even more nerve-wracked.

Be as irritated as you damn well please, but you best KEEP IT ON THE INSIDE because as you've just experienced-- if I'm around and you're acting like that-- I will step to you and you won't like it*.

Chances are that one day, you will be old and judging by your attitude, really lonely. BE A LITTLE BIT HUMAN.

If you can't handle that, tough guy, order your Arizona Iced Tea** online.

*Or maybe he did like it, because he actually apologized to her.

**For the record: I like Arizona Iced Tea. What I don't like are assholes.

****

Breathe in through the nose, out through the mouth...

I spent the weekend out of town and things got a little bit hectic. For some reason, that has followed me into this week, which could possibly be the cause of the stress shooting out from the core of my soul that is shining a brilliant glow-of-disquietude all around me. It's glorious, you should see it! 

Enough about me, let's talk about you for a minute. There's only one more day before the winners of the first House of Jules giveaway are picked and announced. Click HERE to leave a comment on last Wednesday's post, which will be used as your entry in the random drawing! By this time tomorrow morning it will all be decided and the winners will be notified. Can you handle the pressure? I hope so because otherwise I'm going to have to ask someone to help you all chill out and breathe easy. Lucky for you, I know just the person to do it!

In the last 24 hours, I had a conversation about our long-awaited St. Patrick's Day out-of-town-and-overnight plans with a group of old friends, in which a road-trip, a concert and a hotel are involved. Also, Guinness, but that comes after the road-trip part, don't worry. So, this is how we hammer-out important details in a special shorthand I like to call, "WasThatClearEnoughForYou?".

I was originally going to take a half-day off of work on the 17th and the entire next day off, but decided instead to just take both days off. I assume I'm going to need it.

If you don't have to work on the 17th at all, what does that mean? 

It means that I don't have to work on the 17th. What do you mean, 'what does that mean'?

I'm just wondering what time will you'll be here since you took the whole day off...because I want you here early,  {tone of voice suddenly very, very intense; in such a way as to question the next statement}  AND. I. WANT. YOU. RELAXED.

Well, I guess I'll make sure to be there early because that tone of voice is making me feel very relaxed already!

Well, everything EXCEPT stealing my records and screwing all of my friends

I am really tired of getting bitch-slapped by Old Man Winter. At the beginning of November, the flakes were cute. I had a little flirtation going on with the cold weather. I wore some adorable sweaters and the winter hat I bought in Zermatt (the fact that hat rhymes with Zermatt usually makes me happy, even in freezing temperatures).

Now I'm over it. I know there is more snow accumulation elsewhere and I realize there are more pressing matters at hand in the universe, but seriously, these continuous snowstorms are bringing me DOWN.

For example, I've had the following song on repeat in my iTunes for the past 8 hours, which is pretty much what I've done every February since this song came out. I might need a Ryan Adams intervention... but good luck getting here. It will take days for you to scale the snowdrifts alone.


Double-click on either "play" arrow if you have trouble with the video

"Come Pick Me Up"

I wish you would:
Come pick me up. 
Take me out. 
F**k me up. 
Steal my records.
Screw all my friends with a smile on your face, and then do it again.
I wish you would.

If you are NOT planning to put me through a Ryan Adams intervention, but are instead going to follow the lyrics in this song, intending to Come Pick Me Up and all that comes after that (except stealing my records and screwing my friends), I will gladly shovel a path to my door.

Mikey, Data, Mouth, Chunk & Sloth are all standing by. All I have to do is say the word!

Dear Josh Brolin,
It's not enough that you starred with my boyfriend, Javier Bardem in your latest movie, No Country For Old Men? Now you dare to disrespect me tonight on the red carpet with this? You don't see me laying one on your gorgeous and talented wife, Diane Lane, do you? No, you don't.

Don't make me tie you up Goonies-style!

Jeremy is irresistible, I get it, but I will only say this once: you'd better step off of my Pivs, because there's NO COUNTRY FOR INJURED MEN, EITHER.


That's Jeremy's "WTF is happening to me" look, it's not the "I'm enjoying this" look it seems to be. Trust!

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