Remarkably valiant, indeed

"Nicole Rothman, cherished wife of the Alabama Shakespeare Festival's Production Manager Timothy O'Connell, died peacefully at their home this morning after a remarkably valiant battle with cancer."

Me & Nicole in NYC at a 1998 SARK workshop.

Once some of these tears have dried, I'm going to tell you a little more about my sweet, yet kick-ass friend Nic. Then, for those of us who loved her with all of our hearts, life will have to go on; as it always does. There are just so many things to say about her, none of which are powerful enough to convey what I feel is left from this loss.

I know that you really would have liked her.

---


Nic's song... one more time, with feelin'.

Shine (Cyndi Lauper)
Shine I'll stand by you
Don't try and push me away 'cause I'm just gonna stay
You can shine, I won't deny you and don't be afraid it'll all be ok

Do you know my name
Well I ain't gonna take that big time line, won't be beat by a lie
Gonna call out to these embers waiting to ignite
Gonna pull you up by your love, by your love, and tell you

Shine I'll stand by you...

I can see the frown you wear all around like some faded crown
Like a watch over wound
Gonna call down to this diamond buried underground
Gonna pull you up by your love, by your love and tell you

When it's said and done what you need will come
and time won't let me let you let me waste it this time
Shine...

Public Service Announcement: After today, every time someone tags me, a butterfly loses it's ability to, uh... fly.

I've gotten tagged twice in the past week, and not in the good way (sorry, I couldn't resist). While I'm flattered when this happens (because it means they're interested in my answers, right?), my first instinct is to yell, "NO! NO! NO!" because I wonder if it's interesting reading for the majority of you. Having an actual conversation about these topics, I think, would be fun, but reading them? I don't know. Is it good for you? If you're not into it and would prefer I stick to my usual non-tagged posts, please let me know in the comments if for nothing else than I can hold it up as an example the next time someone tags me. In effect, I'll have YOU to blame. Thanks.

My mind is a steel trap, so I have not forgotten that I still owe a couple of people responses on previous tags. I will get to those, eventually, unless someone insists in the comments that I stop this sort of thing immediately if not sooner.

Without further ado...

I was tagged by the fabulous Kris (Chasing Fireflies) to write about my favorite quote, though the person who tagged her commented on HER post that it was supposed to be a favorite book tag. I actually have more quote books (yes, books full of quotes) than I care to admit; and I also have too many favorite books to hold only one in my highest regard, so I'll do my own version of this tag and give you one of my favorite passages from one of my favorite books, okay? OK. Warning in advance, the language is SALTY, so if you have virgin eyes, skip this next part.

Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris
This is from the chapter called "You Can't Kill The Rooster", featuring his street-wise younger brother Paul's hilarious antics and filthy mouth.

When a hurricane damaged my father's house, my brother rushed over with a gas grill, three coolers full of beer, and an enormous F**k-It Bucket— a plastic pail filled with jawbreakers and bite-sized candy bars. "When sh*t brings you down, just say 'f**k it,' and eat yourself some motherf**king candy."

If you haven't read this book, you should get your ass to Amazon, pronto. You can thank me later, with some candy.

-----

I was also tagged by the lovely Christy (Heavy on the Caffeine) to answer questions all having to do with the number 5. What made me laugh about this tag is that there are 8 questions. Does anyone else see the humor in that?

1) What were you doing 5 years ago?

Hmmm... 2003 was a big year for weddings and traveling; and traveling to get to weddings. I was also going to bachelorette parties, Karaoke-ing for the first time (at least the first time I did it ON PURPOSE), driving my friend Em's Mini Cooper around California in a road rally with other college friends, being surrounded by those same tuxedo-clad friends in one big group hug at a wedding, riding the huge ferris wheel (or as I like to call it: The Wheel of Death™) on the Santa Monica Pier, drinking Pacifico beer with my friends on Pacific Beach at Lahaina's (the best deck-in-the-sand bar in San Diego). There was also getting flown in by one of my favorite people in the galaxy, Mel, to be at one of my other favorite people in the galaxy's 30th luau, getting blown away by the surprise party my sister & Bro-in-Law threw for me. Then I spent time in NYC going to concerts like David Bowie and The Red Hot Chili Peppers and also enjoying post-show rooftop picnics; vacationing with the other members of The Fab Five at the Hard Rock Hotel in Florida, and finally ringing in the new year with some my college friends.

There may have also been some fuzzy cranium rubbing (aww yeah) and miscellaneous tongues involved in separate incidences, but you know, those are things that still (thankfully) happen for me. No, I don't have photographic evidence of EVERYTHING.

Here are 19 photos from 2003. If you let the little hand icon linger over each thumbnail before clicking on it, you'll see the caption, in case you aren't clear what is going on in the photo. Then click to see it all big-like. ("all big-like"? See? This is what tagging does to me. I start talking like David Sedaris' brother.)




2) What are/were 5 things on your to-do list today?

-Wake up (some people don't bother to put that on their TTD lists, but I say any job I can cross out as soon as my eyes flutter open is a job well done)

-Laundry/cleaning up the literal HOJ

-Mailing the winners of my HOJ Humpday contest their prizes. It's only been 2 months.

-Return some calls and e-mails that I haven't been able to get around to.

-Track down & scan some photos I have for my friend Nic's husband Tim

I got all of that done, as well as something that wasn't on my list: pulling 1/2 way into my parking spot at 9 a.m. and then pulling right the hell back out of it; then driving around in the beautiful weather for 45 minutes (gas prices be damned). This was just to avoid my neighbor who walks his cat--sometimes on a leash-- usually right outside of my door. I'm sad to say that I've done that more than once. He's a nice guy, but sometimes it's just too early in the day for me to deal with cats. Actually, there's never a good time of day for me to deal with cats.

3) What are 5 of your bad habits?

-Procrastination, though sometimes I use the excuse that I'm at my best under pressure. See also, Time Management Skills.

-I've been known to over-think certain situations/topics. Is that really a bad habit, though? (Oops, I'm over-thinking again).

-My nails go to hell when I'm under pressure. See also, Procrastination.

-I seem to be incapable of keeping my bedroom closet organized.

-Not getting as much sleep as I need to function at 100%.

4) What are 5 places you've lived?

-Chicago
-Texas
-Tennessee
-Wisconsin
-New York

5) What are 5 jobs you've had?

-High school job: Cashier/stocker at Hallmark
-College (school year job): K-mart electronics department (I was the only girl in the department, at the time it was a major coup)
-College (summer job): Chicago Bears training camp
-Real world job: Photographer
-Real world job: Graphic designer

6) What 5 snacks do you enjoy?

-tortilla chips
-salsa
-strawberries
-margaritas
-strawberry margaritas

Can you tell I didn't satisfy my mexican craving this weekend?

7) What 5 things would you do if you were a billionaire?

If I'm a billionaire I'm definitely going to be doing more than 5 things, but these are the top 5 on my list:

-Hire Suze Orman as my personal financial advisor

-Set up trusts for my family & friends

-Start a non-profit foundation for medical patient advocacy. Seeing all the red tape my friend Nic has dealt with in the past 2 years since she was diagnosed with cancer is so ridiculous & infuriating that there isn't even a word to describe it.

-Real estate! I'd buy my ideal arts & crafts-style Chicago Bungalow (or as my nephews & I call it: The Funkalow), a brownstone in NYC, a house in San Francisco, a pied-á-terre in Paris, and a place to lay my head in Italy (preferably in some hot Italian man's lap, but I'd take a villa on the Amalfi coast). Then I'd get everyone I love to come along with me. On my jet. Which has hot international playboy flight attendants. Who don't file sexual harassment claims.

-Finance the making of "St. Elmo's Goonies Candles Club"; the continuation of four of my favorite 80's movies, St. Elmo's Fire, Goonies, 16 Candles and The Breakfast Club. It will be epic.

That last one is not only to make one of my dreams come true, but also proves to the haters that even if I'm rich as hell, I'm the same girl I always was.

8) What 5 people do you want to tag?

I won't tag you, but if you want to tag yourself, go right ahead!

WELL GUESS WHAT BASTERT?

NOTE: I really, really needed some laughs this week, and what I'm about to share with you what did the trick; thanks to the voiceover dude, whoever he may be. Don't play around impressionable ears, or people who could fire you for cracking up. You've been warned.
_____

The House of Jules A.V. Club has never provided more laughs than in these 3 simple steps. What's that you say? H.o.J. has never even HAD an A.V. Club? Well, that previous statement is definitely true then, isn't it?


H.o.J A.V. Club Presents: 

A Dramatic Reading of a REAL Break-up Letter.

1). AUDIO: Click (or double-click if you have trouble) either play arrow on this Youtube video audio. I write audio because there isn't an actual video, it's just a very blurry version of the image in step 2. WITHOUT LISTENING TO THIS AUDIO, GOING ON TO STEP 2 IS  A WASTE OF YOUR TIME. STEPS 1 & 2 ARE REQUIRED FOR YOU TO COMPLETE STEP 3.


Your eyes are not deceiving you, the image is blurry. You only need this for audio anyway. Just relax & click (or double-click) play.


2). VISUAL: Click the below image to enlarge in a new window so you can read along with the dramatic re-enactment audio (from step 1). 

"You make me touch your hands for stupid reasons"

3). Laugh your ass off.

The line of workout "clothes" will feature a special pocket for all those dollar bills

Recently I did the idiotic thing of attempting a Tae Bo workout and it about killed me DEAD. I remembered why I stopped using that particular DVD a couple of years ago as soon as the music came on. Billy Blanks is, I'm convinced, from hell.

Having said that, the other day I read a rumor that Nintendo Wii might come out with a new fitness game; "Carmen Electra's Pole Dancing". I laughed for about 2 minutes before I actually started wondering when it's coming out.

I'm not sure what that says on the state of my current fitness goals.



The polar opposite of Tae Bo; Carmen teaches Ellen the easiest workout ever, besides napping.

When asked who my favorite football player is, you're the one who comes to mind

When you're old enough, I'll to tell you & your sister all kinds of stories about your mom & I when we were kids. Until then, you just keep right on being adorable because it gives me a reason to love being a photographer, even when the people who pay me to be one drive me mental. Note: your mother doesn't fall under that category because, 1) I only let her pay me in wine; and 2) by the time I'm done "collecting my payment" from her, I'm too tipsy for her to make me crazy.


CC, in action! You have that Michael Jordan-sticking-your-tongue-out-the-side-of-your-mouth syndrome. Whaddoyoumeanwho'sMichaelJordan?


I swear I heard you saying to the older neighborhood girls, "Pick you up at 8?"


Ladykiller.


Happy 6th birthday, Coops!


Images ©HouseofJules

Speaking of pie...

The following story was on People.com 2 weeks ago. TWO WEEKS AGO! I hadn't figured out the best time to fit it in around here, because you know, I can be an over-thinker, and I put some effort into the timing of my posts. This means that sometimes entertaining stories never get posted because the freshness of the story is it too far gone for it to even make any sense. Kind of like this rambling intro.

Getting to my point: I didn't even know about my favorite pie thief's new book until 5 days ago. Since then, I've smiled each time the thought re-occurred to me that I'd finally be able to fit this 2-week old news story into the lineup around here.

What I'm saying is this: comedic timing, my friends, is everything...


Nine years after Eugene-Levy-caught-them-in-the-dirty-deed, Jason Biggs will finally make an honest pie out of her.



Just kidding, I'm only having some fun with the headlines again. Click HERE if you care about seeing his fiance's actual face.

Stealing Pies, Hearts, Bases

September, 2003. With my 2 favorite bookends (at 5'5", I'm not as short as the 5'11" Staci and 6'1" Emily make me look), at Emily's 30th birthday party. The three of us have been friends since 1991, so you can take it as gospel when I say that Em is refined and classy even when she's not sporting that tiara. Except when she's had tequila. Staci is always sweet and empathetic, except when you're an adult who acts like a whiny baby and she's your orthodontist (Luckily, my teeth were straightened a long time ago).



Later that same night with Debbie, another tall drink of water who happens to be one of Emily's 7 sisters; all of whom I adore. Deb has that shirt on because of the "wear something tropical, it's a luau!" theme, so she dressed accordingly. I mistakenly thought it was a "match the interior of Emily & Mel's den, and while you're at it, flirt with the bartender Emily & Mel hired" theme, so I dressed and was served really good drinks accordingly. In our own special ways, we're both excellent at adhering to party theme requests.


Staci & I met Debbie's husband Adam for the first time that night. He was warm, charming, and exactly the kind of man who inspires you (after 2 minutes in his presence) to say to his wife/your friend, "He's a keeper!". Not only do you say it, but you also MEAN IT.

Everyone at the party was enjoying the unconventional birthday PIES that Emily requested her husband Mel have the place stocked with. Shortly thereafter, Staci & I headed to the guest room for something. Debbie and Adam joined us, and we discussed how surprisingly great the pies were; that it must be a California thing. Adam noticed on our way through the kitchen that there was only one pie left, and he broke this news to us gently.

Staci & I feigned tears, joking about how we were out-of-town weekend guests at the house and all the locals were eating what we hoped would be our morning hangover cure. This meant we'd possibly have to consider cutting back on our alcohol intake or something else "mature" to avoid being out of commission when the sun came up. Without another word Adam left the room while the 3 ladies continued discussing serious topics, like how the hot bartender is only bartending until he gets discovered, something you never hear people say in California.

A few minutes later, Adam came back in the guest room, closing the door behind him. He had been in the kitchen, stealing that last pie for Staci & I, and it was exactly in that moment that he stole our hearts, too.


Debbie, Adam, and the stolen pie. Our hearts were quick to follow.


Adam is not only an accomplished thief of pies & hearts, but also a published author. The Boston Globe just wrote THIS great story on Adam. He has 2 upcoming events in the Boston area, in which he will read from his own work and that of other contributors to the "Fenway Fiction" series. Books will be available for purchase and signing.

Rounder Books is pleased to announce the release of "Further Fenway Fiction", an anthology of Red Sox short stories, edited by Adam Emerson Pachter. "Further Fenway Fiction" follows-up "Fenway Fiction" which Yankee Magazine called “delightful.” These two collections of short stories are the first all-fiction anthologies inspired by the Boston Red Sox. The stories look at the Red Sox through humor, drama, mystery--and even a bit of Shakespeare. “…[Adam Emerson] Pachter drew on a very real passion for the Sox, added a bit of imagination, and hit a home run with a truly unique collection.”

Baseball Fever at Livewires
Tuesday, May 13 at 10:00 a.m. (tomorrow!)
Reading Public Library
64 Middlesex Avenue, Reading MA 01867
Come early for coffee!

Adam Emerson Pachter at WPL
Thursday, May 29 at 7:30 p.m.
Westborough Public Library
55 West Main Street, Westborough, MA 01581


Be sure to tell him his Chicago partner in pie-crime says hi!


Get "Fenway Fiction" HERE


Get "Further Fenway Fiction" HERE

I can't hear you, I'm trying to enjoy myself!

I'd like to introduce you to my favorite YouTube "star", John Roberts. I came across THIS video he did last year and loved it so much that I then did something really embarrassing; I signed up for an account just so I could subscribe to his channel.

He did a great one for Mother's Day last year (which you can see by clicking HERE), but my favorite one by far is this year's version, in which he absolutely nails every Mother's Day cliché there is. Double click on either 'play' arrow if you have trouble:


"C'mon, let's go. Let's go! I want my presents! Oh, look at the ducks!"

Happy Mother's Day! I hope you get to enjoy yourself!

Either he and I have the same taste in men or he just has a death wish. You decide.

I'm officially at war with Josh Brolin.

Back in January, I wrote my first and what I thought would be my last open letter to him, which, if you just aren't up to clicking on that "open letter to him" hotlink, looked like this:


Click photo to enlarge. Click hotlink above to enjoy funny reader comments. Click on Brolin's face with your fist if you see him in public (he's definitely asking for it, as you'll soon see).


Re-armed with that information, it will come as no surprise to you that my head nearly imploded when I was doing my Humpday "research" last month and came across these photos from Oscar night:


In No Country for Old Men, Josh Brolin's character Llewelyn Moss tells his wife he is "fixin' to do something dumber than hell". Dumber than hell is right! Nobody gets to hold Javier against a wall with their body besides me. (Javier may be smiling, but it's only because he knows I'm digging in my pocket for a quarter. This will only make sense to you if you've seen No Country for Old Men, or if you click on the hotlink in the next photo caption.)



"What's the most you ever lost in a coin toss, friendo?"

+++++

On to more pleasant news! Approximately 2.4 seconds after I put up the Humpday post last week, I got this email:

Hi! I found a spanish copy of Jamon Jamon. Here is the link...

If you have no idea what Jamon Jamon is, please refer to last Wednesday's post, in which I suggest that although the title directly translates to "Ham Ham", by the looks of the adults-only trailer it should be called "Pork Pork". It's the very JB movie I had been unable to Netflix (because as of now it isn't even available), and the very movie I said I was making my mission to see, even if I had to buy it! Ask and ye shall receive Bardem, which I'm pretty certain is a phrase straight out of the Bible.

Our communication continued like this:

You are ON TOP OF THINGS like nobody else, sister. Who are you, where did you come from, how did you find my blog and are you okay with being my new favorite person?

Your show of generosity in emailing that movie link will put a skip in my step today, so thank you!
-Jules


Jules,
I'm Cristina, and am reading you from as far as Portugal. I'm a Javi fan, and that should say it all. I found your blog through Javi and Google Alerts; and your promise awhile back to make a hump post about him. I had to add you to my RSS feed.

"...and are you okay with being my new favorite person?": Totally!
-Cris

So, there you have it, internet. To my new favorite person in Portugal, I say: OBRIGADA, CRIS! Now let's go kick some Brolin ass!

Viva la Free Download, Part 2

Last Tuesday, I posted that I got the new Nine Inch Nails single for free through their official website; which by the time I wrote about was no longer available. However, in that same post I tried to make things better between us by letting you know that Coldplay was ALSO giving away their new single for free. Although it was only offered for a short time, I know several of you were able to take advantage of the band's generosity, so yay for you us!

As of today, those of you who missed getting NIN's new single as a free download can now stop sending me angry e-mails, and here's why: NIN IS GIVING AWAY THEIR ENTIRE NEW ALBUM, THE SLIP, FOR FREE! So, take that, angry e-mailers!


Click HERE to get The Slip in the file format of your choice. That Trent Reznor sure is an accommodating fellow.

In general and as proven by my "I Just Listened To..." section in the right sidebar; my musical taste can be described as maddeningly eclectic and sometimes impossible to predict (even for those who know me best); but I DO know what I like. NIN albums have always been hit or miss for me, either I really like a track or I equate it to a specific kind of torture which involves being forced to listen while someone rips styrofoam slowly and mercilessly inside of my brain. This album is no different. I consider the styrofoam tracks to be numbers 3 ("Letting You") and 10 ("Demon Seed"); and I won't be listening to THOSE ever again if I can help it. There are 8 other tracks on this album though, and those have already been thrown into my current rotation.

For the record, my favorites on The Slip are the sonically polar opposite 1,000,000 and Lights in the Sky (with their new single, Discipline coming in at 3rd!). Thanks for the free tunes, NIN!

Forget Patrick Dempsey. This guy wins the award for "Best Man of Honor" ever.

Patrick Dempsey is hot and everything, but why did he agree to star in what looks to be a remake of a Julia Roberts movie? I didn't actually see it, so technically I shouldn't say anything, but I will anyway.

Dear PD,
Accepting a role in this movie was a horrible idea. You shouldn't have stooped to this level of paycheck-collecting. Call me before deciding to do something this transparent, as I would have talked you out of it. Your first clue should have been that they didn't cast the perfection that is Rupert Everett as the star's trusted sidekick. Women (and probably even some men) love you too much to be fooled by the premise of this movie as being a fresh idea in filmmaking.

It's not just this movie, though. I haven't even watched the past 2 seasons of your TV show because of this marked change in you. Somewhere along the line you lost your career joie de vivre; after the good old days when you inspired sheep jaded teenagers to do the African Anteater Ritual all the way to when you played the rejected "Mr. Perfect" proposing to Reece Witherspoon in Tiffany's. Something in your career path changed after that, and it makes me sad.

Long live the Ronald Miller days,
Jules

On that note, the following video of the best wedding toast ever is the antidote to the poison Hollywood is trying to infect the world, and certain better-than-that actor's resumes with. You can't beat it, and frankly, I wish some of the weddings I've been a bridesmaid in or even just been to as a guest in support of my friends would have featured some sort of song & dance number. I love you, all of my married friends, and I blame myself for not sneaking around behind your backs to come up with this idea for your own wedding receptions.

This real-life "Man of Honor" came up with the idea to surprise his best friend, the bride. Somehow, even though so many people were involved in the subsequent performance, it was kept secret from her as is proven by her reaction to everyone's participation. You know she's something special if they got her father-in-law and brothers involved. After seeing this, I'm now liable to audibly "booooo" the next boring wedding toast I hear (my apologies in advance if this happens during a toast you're making).

Look out whichever-one-of-you-is-next-down-the-aisle. We may not have spent our summers in musical theater camp or done dinner theater together in college, but if I have anything to say about it, you might just be in for something like this:


The sign he holds up at the beginning says, "Well, here we go! The story of Amy... (cue music)". You must at least hang on long enough for the dance break, in which they manage to squeeze in nods to at least 4 Broadway classics.

It's time for your spankings, Mr. Tophowitz!

Happy Birthday Chris/Crees/Topher/Tophy Tophowitz! We love you!

Shoni is the shortest one of all of us. Is she standing on a chair in this photo?

You're HOW old today? INCONCEIVABLE!

Proudly holding up the shirt my nephew J and I made for you!


Our first face-to-face introduction was at the party Donna threw for Vince's 50th birthday. I won't count the years on this public forum because I am a kind person and I love Vince (if you're reading this Vince, you're only as old as the body you feel! Wait...), but I'll just say that we go back a few! Shoni said, "This is my friend Chris, you know, 'Bowling Chris'!" My very first impression? That you had great hair. Serious!

We had a good 10 minutes of time all together until Jazzy sniffed out the new person in their loft, and it was not love at first sight for either of you. She barked and growled like you were a scary intruder. I still think it was because you had on camouflage pants and she couldn't see your legs. Hmm. Dogs. Well, she might not have liked you, but I did! You and your great hair and your invisible-to-dog-vision legs!

Not too long after that, I moved back to Chicago, but we see each other at least once a year. My visits to see you guys are always planned around bowling league night, and things never feel quite right until I hear Ben Sunshine yell "Juuuules!" across the lanes at Chelsea Piers; along with your *traditional greeting for me*; and then hearing you say "Welcome home!" or "Shmelcome Shmome!" depending how how many drinks we've had. I always know I'm right where I belong in that moment.


*Our traditional greeting*: A firm tug of the hair and a lick on the face; precisely in the way that I demanded from you once, and now the way in which I've become accustomed. Because I enjoy it so much, you have done this to me in crowded bars when we're with friends, on the sidewalk surrounded by strangers, and (most impressively) even if I have unfortunate blond orange highlights as proven by this photo from 2005. Sigh (to the sad highlights, not the greeting).

I wish I could be there tonight to pull your hair and spank you help you celebrate your birthday. Here is the list of activities I'd plan if we were in the same city: I would suggest starting at Egg Harbor in Chicago so you can have your favorite sandwich in the world: the Door County (or, Door COUNTRY as you call it) Melt. The very same sandwich that I text messaged you the ingredients in the hopes that it would help tame your craving.

Even though I sent you this tm from Chicago to NYC, this photo OF the tm was inexplicably taken when we were all together at Barrage during one of my visits.

I would not allow anyone to serve you hot beverages on your birthday or any other day of the year in the clear mugs that we have such disdain for.

When cropping this photo taken of us with my hot chocolate, I made sure to leave in your entire bicep. You're welcome.

After you work off the sandwich by doing 100 push ups, we'll go out to celebrate.

A legendary T-shirt, the ultimate in cleverness and irony. Clever because it's a reversible shirt with 'I Love My Girlfriend' on one side and 'I Hate My Girlfriend' on the other. Ironic because your ex-boyfriend bought it for you. Though, now that I really think about it, one of those phrases makes it NOT ironic at all. I'll let you decide which one.

On the way, we'll hopefully find as many revolving doors for you to go through as we can. Oh look, here's one now!

Chicago's revolving doors never had a bigger fan than you. You didn't know what the love affair was with this city and those doors (other than the fact that they're more fun than just walking directly into a building), and I remember seeing the proverbial light bulb above your head when I told you that they help keep the heat inside during the windy city winters (and of course the a/c inside during the humid summers). You're trying to look very jaded in this picture but right after I took it, you said, "I'm going around again!". So the rest of us did what any good friends would do by leaving you with your revolving door and headed further inside to the bar. Because we're not savages, we had a drink waiting for you when you were done with all that revolving.

We'll go see Avenue Q again, and I'll sit next to you because I'm the only one who loves it when you sing along happily to every song.

You really DO have great hair and I'm a little obsessed with it. I don't know why. Looking back on this post years from now, we'll all recognize this particular photo caption as my cry for help.

Then after that, it'll be time for your traditional show of flexibility. There are many other photos I have as proof of said flexibility. This is the only one that doesn't feature you in any number of positions illegal in at least 7 southern states.

You're wearing camo pants in this photo! Good thing Jazzy wasn't at this bar with us; she wouldn't have seen your legs that night, either. Interestingly we were at ViewBar, whose slogan is actually "See and Be Seen"; though the slogan should really be, "Our watermelon martinis will kick your ass so stop yourself after 2, otherwise you'll end up walking right into our bathroom door with nothing but your bloody face to stop you (*cough* Shoni *cough*)." Furthermore, whoever is holding up your leg has all those RAFFLE TICKETS in his hand, and this makes me laugh hysterically every time I see this picture because I remember exactly what the bar was raffling off that night (it wasn't YOU, I would never let that happen!), and this mystery leg-holding guy? He REALLY wanted it. In so many ways, apparently.

It goes without saying that after your show of bendy-ness, everyone will fight over who gets to spank you first. Why should your birthday be different from every other time people line up to give you spankings? Just another night in the life of Tophowitz (which has somehow become your fake last name, even though it's the evolution of your Topher to Tophy nicknames, and it makes you sound like a cop)!

This was that one night we played a little game (Not really a game, per say, but there is a point system. Anyone interested in joining should e-mail me for details. I could tell you more but you'd have to be initiated) called "grab-ass". Oh, that's pretty much every night. It was the same night Benny had that big red tongue issue. Wait, that's pretty much every night, too. OK, it was the same night Dr. Jason's ass resided in my hands. Wow, this is not helpful at all because I've just described all of our nights together.

For our 2 a.m. roof picnic, I think we should head to the pizza joint near Shoni's old apartment at the intersection of 29th Street & Ethan Hawke Avenue. I already know what you'll have: 3 slices, one calzone and NO, you don't want to just split one with either of us. Then afterwards maybe you'll feel a little too full and will wonder out loud, several times, why you didn't just split one calzone with us?!

Summer in the city. It's 2 a.m. and still a stifling 100 degrees. Regardless, this is your "stoked to eat pizza" face, otherwise known as "Pre-bloat" or "Before the good times ended".

Wait a minute, we forget about lunch!

"LUNCH". Best belt buckle in the universe, purchased right here in Chicago's Boystown.

We'll definitely have to get a hotel room. How about our usual haunt, the (no longer the same) House of Blues Hotel? Between Shoni & I, you always get a lifetime "pass" to our hotel room. We're no fools! You obsessively (adorably?) keep the place clean and you always answer the door for room service. Since you can't sit still for longer than 5 minutes, you often hit the floor to knock out yet another set of push ups or dance around the room whenever the mood strikes.

Giving the people living in the adjacent Marina Towers a little "Taste of Topher". I just made that saying up, but feel free to use it.

Are you trying to sleep?


C'mon really! You can't sleep yet! It's still your birthday!

Shoni & her monkey pants will keep you conscious!

Finally, in the super-day birthday I've planned for you in my mind, tomorrow we'll all end up on the beach in Puerto Rico sipping ice cold beer, looking forward to another year of big adventures together, numerous funny stories, many tugs of the hair and the required shmelcome shmomes. However, you'll still be the only one who looks THIS DAMN GOOD:

Yowza!

The best thing about you is that your insides match your outsides. You're truly beautiful through & through. Have an amazing birthday (or should I say, "Shamazing Shmirthday!"). Love you!