Help Joe Keil and you'll sleep better tonight.

If you've been reading this blog for any time at all, you will recognize the name Spammon. He raises the bar when it comes to leaving witty commentary. I've feared getting fired more than once for reading them while at work and laughing so hard I cry a little. He's married to Linds, who has left her own zingers in the comment box and I completely (I never say this about anyone, mind you) "heart" her. If I ever found myself in Utah, I would make sure that we got together to hang out. They are totally my kind of people.

Spammon is hardly ever serious on his blog, "The Daily Rebuttal", but what I read over there tonight infuriated me on behalf of his family. See the following from his blog and then please sign the petition. I made a direct hotlink at the end:

"This is in regards to my Uncle Joe Keil, Associate Cabinet Minister of Samoa. As an American citizen, on September 9th, 2008 while on his way back to Samoa from Brussels, Belgium on a diplomatic mission to the EU, Joe stops in Branson, Missouri to visit with family. He is forcibly detained by agents of the US Immigration Customs Enforcement, (ICE) His possessions were both searched and seized. No warrant for the search or for his arrest was shown. Joe was subsequently placed in handcuffs and shackles and housed in a cell in Missouri. He was initially denied visits from family and friends except for his legal counsel the day after his arrest. He is charged with felony counts of illegally obtaining and illegally using a US passport, though he has provided documents to DHS agents to prove the validity of both his US citizenship and the legal use of the US and Samoan passports.

September 12, 2008. Joe is finally allowed a visit from his three daughters, who cried upon seeing their father, stripped of his dignity in a jail jumpsuit, cuffed and shackled. He was kept in this fashion anytime he was outside of the cell until Monday, September 14, 2008, when Sheriff Jack Merritt and Captain Clayton kindly ordered the removal of these handcuffs and chains. He also mentioned the kind treatment he received from Lt. Howell and others during his time in jail.

September 17, 2008. Joe posts US $10,000 bond and is released from jail. The terms of his release include restricted travel no farther than the western half of Missouri. Upon release Joe found that his personal effects are missing to include his: California drivers’ licenses, US Federal Aviation Administration issued airline pilot’s license, his original Social Security card and both his US passport and diplomatic Samoan passport.

You can read the full time line of his life including his birth, service in the U.S. Air Force, election of offices and up to the time of his arrest here.

My family has started an online petition to free him and drop all charges that have been brought against him.

CLICK HERE to sign the petition . All you have to do is enter your name, e-mail address, hit "submit" and you're done. It'll take 2 minutes, tops; and then you can go to bed tonight knowing part of your day was spent doing a totally selfless act. Besides that, it's probably the only free thing you're going to do this week. As of this posting, there are 541 signatures. Let's see how many more we can get on there. Pass this along to everyone you know.

**If you have a blog and want to post this, I'll even e-mail you the HTML coded stuff to save you some time. Leave me a comment or e-mail me (see right sidebar)!**

Private Dancer, dancin' for money...

If anyone wants to join me, my sister & Oprah* at what will be presumably your last chance EVER to see Tina Turner live-in-concert**, I have 2 extra tickets that I need to sell!

Date: 10/6/08
Time: 7:30p.m.
Place: Chicago's Allstate Arena, Rosemont

E-mail me ASAP (see sidebar) for seating location & price. I'm just looking to get face value + Ticketmaster fees. This is not a scheme to make a big pile o'dough.

I would need payment via Paypal by this Tuesday (9/30) morning and will overnight them to you that evening.



Whenever I get tickets to a show, I make mix CDs for myself & the people I'm going with. The cover of the latest mix is of my sister & I in a vintage photo of Tina Turner, aptly titled, "Private Dancers '08". In our own ways, aren't we ALL dancing for money? It can't be just the 3 of us in this black & white photo.

We've seen her in concert before, and she will blow the roof off the mothertrucker. If you're tempted in the least, you should just go for it, and I'm not saying that just to sell the tickets. Seriously.


*If you don't like Oprah, pretend I didn't mention her name.

*In Chicago.

Putting the Hump in Humpday: "Literacy is Sexy and so is Charlie Day" edition

In 2005, my good friends Scooter & Todd insisted I watch FX's Thursday night show, 'It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia', which centers around four friends in their late 20s who run an Irish dive bar, "Paddy's Pub," in South Philly. They've never steered me wrong, so I made sure to catch the very next episode. It was so absurdly funny that I bought the DVDs of the first 2 seasons when they came out. The show was created & is written by the 3 main male characters, which means that not only are they humpable because they're hilarious, but also because they're literate, and literacy is sexy. At least that's what the posters at my local library say.

Truth be told, both "my boo"* and I have raging crushes on the hotness that is Charlie Day, who plays Charlie Kelly. His frequent outbursts and one-liners slay me at least 10 times an episode. This is what the official IASIP Wikipedia page has to say about his character on the show:

Charlie is Mac's childhood friend and a co-owner of Paddy's. He is a volatile loser who displays little ability to cope with day-to-day problems. In addition, he lives in filth and frequently abuses inhalants. His apartment is often referred to by friends and acquaintances as a "shit hole." Throughout the show, Charlie shows signs of several learning disabilities, including dyslexia, and is often accused of being illiterate by other characters. All of the most tedious and disgusting tasks at the bar are called "Charlie Work", even when he is temporarily spared from performing them. He tends to squander the little money he earns from the bar on "bad investments." He has an extremely short fuse and is prone to Al Pacino-styled outbursts.

Mac and Dennis frequently manipulate him into tests of his fortitude, and consider him to be almost impossible to injure. Charlie has no success in dating, and harbors an unrequited crush on a cafe waitress. Despite his apparent lack of intelligence, Charlie is the most skilled musician in the group, even going so far as to imply that he is a savant, and is surprisingly adept at concocting elaborate plans to achieve his desires. He has a passion for dressing up in costumes and assuming other personas, even when there is no clear reason to continue. He spent the majority of his life without a father figure until the final episode of season two, when he finds out his father is actually Frank Reynolds. In the season three premiere Charlie's mother Bonnie reveals that Charlie was born after a botched attempt at an abortion in a back alley three months earlier.

Now that you have some insight into his character, you definitely need to see him in action (double-click on either play arrow if you have trouble with any of the following videos):

The perfect example of a Charlie Kelly outburst, in less than 30 seconds.


Still skeptical? Watch this clip from last season, which had me in tears (the good kind). Their song has become a cult classic in it's own right:


"Day Man, uh-ah-ahh! Fighter of the Night Man, uh-ah-ahh! Champion of the sun! You're a master of karate and friendship for everyone!"

If you search for "Day Man" on youtube, you'll find many videos of bands doing their own cover versions. I suspect their song delivery might have been inspired (and rightly so) by THIS classic Queen performance.


If all of that STILL hasn't piqued your interest (what's it gonna take?), it should be noted that Danny DeVito stars in the show, and that adorable little limoncello-loving bundle of fun should be reason enough for you to tune in:


In a move of marketing genius, he later capitalized on this drunken appearance and created his own limoncello.


FX is currently airing season 4 on Thursday nights at 10 (Eastern), and is the funniest/most twisted show on TV. The writing will offend everyone, and in my mind that is a good thing. Anything that can make you think and make you laugh at the same time usually creates a dialogue, and what's better than a good conversation? Okay, besides getting Charlie Day drunk on Danny DeVito's limoncello and then making out (with Charlie, not Danny).


*We feel about each other just like AC feels about DB!

--


Click HERE to read previous Humpday posts.

Some people's comedy is some people's something else

Last night, while watching the premiere of CBS' Worst Week, I sent this text message from my cell phone to my twitter account:



Around the same time, somewhere in New York, Astrogirl426 was sending this text message to her twitter account:

Isn't that what makes it so funny? No? Okay, let's agree to disagree.

I have no idea if the writers can keep it going, but for my brand of humor, it looks to be the best second best (see tomorrow's post) new comedy since the first season of My Name is Earl. At one point during the show, I really thought I gave myself a nose bleed from laughing so hard. Anyone else see it?


Ignore Lara Spencer's grating 10-sec intro & check out this 3 minute show preview


Thanks to Astrogirl426 for letting me use her Tweet! We agree on lots of things, but as for Worst Week, we're gonna agree to disagree.

...and I whispered in his ear, "Baby, after you win that Emmy, kiss Amy Poehler's pregnant belly for me."

So he did! Meanwhile, proud papa-to-be Will Arnett hugged me as we cheered from our seats in the audience.


Photo source

No visible scars, but the emotional scars? Even worse than you can imagine.

I'm all for medical progress. So much, in fact, that I'm a House M.D. fanatic not only because Hugh Laurie's blue-eyed biting wit can hold my attention for an entire 8-hour show marathon (over the course of one weekend, but still), in addition to the weekly show, but also because I'm convinced that one day I'll be able to diagnose myself or someone else with a rare (or totally obvious) disease that none of the experts thought to check for.

I'm getting entertained AND educated, or something.

I made the mistake of saying (as a JOKE) "But, I'm a House junkie, too! I'm practically in med school!" to my friend J., in response to him questioning my superior knowledge of reality TV show cast members. Since then he gives me a hard time about it by calling after the show airs to ask, "So, how was class?", and then wants to know all about whatever horrible ailment Gregory House and his crack team diagnosed in a nice little package just before the credits roll.

Where was I? Ahh, yes. Medical progress. When I saw the headline in my feed reader of the news article below, my immediate reaction was nervous laughter. I thought, Go on! Click on it. It can't be that awful. Little did I know that in reading just the amount of story shown below, it would go from bad to worse to horrifying to actually dry heaving at the mental image.

I'm not about to tell you how to do something, but let me suggest that for at least a beat longer than you normally would, linger on the chilling headline alone. Let it settle into the recesses of your brain before moving on to the REST of the gag-inducing blurb:


That's as valid a concern as any, Mr. Pagliuca!

I know there are already procedures done through belly buttons, so no need to point that out. Somehow having an organ pulled from my torso out of my mouth seems a little more, I don't know, disgusting?! After posting this, I'm heading out for a little drive with my windows down, my sunroof open and some loud music to take my mind off of it. Again, medical progress=good. Mental imagery=bad.

Thanks for bringing this story to light and see you in my nightmares, Rob Stein!

Source

A card for every occasion, except the obvious (and awkward), "See you after rehab!"

If the O.P.P. 3-ring binder wasn't for you, maybe this will get you to your local Target, STAT! Are you mentally prepared for this? David Hasselhoff has his own line of greeting cards:


I have no doubt that like Hasselhoff, his cards are big in Germany, too.


There's rock-climbing Hasselhoff, Baywatch Hasselhoff, 8x10 Glossy Hasselhoff and even suited-up for a night on the town Hasselhoff. All of them under the category of "Funny Birthday". Who knew?


"Funny Anytime" is right!

I thought the real video of a drunken Hasselhoff eating a burger on the floor was too sad, but this one? Wow. I wish I could tell you that I didn't find this one funny... but I did*. It's a puppet as drunken Hasselhoff, set to the audio of the original video. Let me be clear on what I find funniest about this whole thing: someone made a HASSELHOFF PUPPET, and that alone is hilarious. 

What really did me in is at 1:13, when he snorts:


Double-click on either 'play' arrow if you have trouble with the video.

*Obviously, alcoholism isn't funny. If this post offends you in any way, it wasn't my intention. Honestly, if my goal was to make you angry about the world we live in, I could have easily embedded either of his "Hooked on a Feelin'" or "Limbo Dance" music videos.

O is for Other, P is for People. The last P, well, it's not that simple. Really, it's not.

I recently went to Target, after having successfully avoided that store altogether for nearly 3 months. I can't go with a list and come out the other side with less than twice of what I intended to buy. It's awful, especially for a bargain shopper like me. I decided to switch up my usual M.O. of rushing through and instead, take my time. You know, no pressure shopping. La-tee-dah'ing around for however long I wanted. 

This worked to a degree, because I only bought one item that wasn't on my list, but the flip side was that I spent 2 whole hours in one store, which is madness. However, taking time to smell the proverbial roses allowed me to appreciate things I never would have seen when going through the store at my usual record-breaking speed.

The first one was in the school supply section. I love school supplies, and they were all on sale. I don't buy them anymore, but I still like going down that aisle. I think back to the days of buying a new Trapper Keeper and picking out my folders for it every year. Ahhhh.

Times have changed, though. Now there are 3-ring binders with nods toward inappropriate songs. I can just see the unsuspecting parent picking this up for their 6th grader:


This was nestled in between the Hello Kitty and Hannah Montana stuff, no joke.

There are many things wrong with this. I'll skip over the most obvious and go to next on my list: Why would you have a binder full of Other People's Paper? That doesn't make any sense, unless you're a teacher carrying this around, and if that's the case, than we've just upped the levels of wrong ten-fold. I wonder if Naughty By Nature is getting a cut of the profits, because if not, they have a case.

O.P.P., how can I explain it
I'll take you frame by frame it
To have y'all jumpin' shall we singin' it
O is for Other, P is for People scratchin' temple
The last P...well...that's not that simple
It's sorta like another way to call a cat a kitten
It's five little letters that are missin' here
You get on occassion at the other party
As a game 'n it seems I gotta start to explainin'
Bust it
You ever had a girl and met her on a nice hello
You get her name and number and then you feelin' real mellow
You get home, wait a day, she's what you wanna know about
Then you call up and it's her girlfriend or her cousin's house
It's not a front, F to the R to the O to the N to the T
It's just her boyfriend's at her house (Boy, that's what is scary)
It's OPP, time other people's what you get it
There's no room for relationship there's just room to hit it
How many brothers out there know just what I'm gettin' at
Who thinks it's wrong 'cos I'm splittin' and co-hittin' at
Well if you do, that's OPP and you're not down with it
But if you don't, here's your membership

Chorus:
You down with OPP (Yeah you know me) 3X
Who's down with OPP (Every last homie)

As for the ladies, OPP means something gifted
The first two letters are the same but the last is something different
It's the longest, loveliest, lean-- I call it the leanest
It's another five letter word rhymin' with cleanest and meanest
I won't get into that, I'll do it...ah...sorta properly
I say the last P...hmmm...stands for property
Now lady here comes a kiss, blow a kiss back to me, now tell me exactly

Have you ever known a brother who have another like a girl or wife
And you just had to stop and just 'cos he look just as nice
You looked at him, he looked at you and you knew right away
That he had someone but he was gonna be yours anyway
You couldn't be seen with him and honestly you didn't care
'Cos in a room behind a door no one but y'all are there
When y'all are finish, y'all can leave and only y'all would know
And then y'all could throw the skeleton bones right in the closet do'
Now don't be shocked 'cos if you're down I want your hands up high
Say OPP (OPP) I like to say with pride
Now when you do it, do it well and make sure that it counts
You're now down with a discount

Chorus:
You down with OPP (Yeah you know me) 3X
Who's down with OPP (Every last lady)

This girl ah tried to OPP me
I had a girl and she knew that matter-of-fact my girl was partner's that
Had a fall out, disagreement, yeah an argument
She tried to do me so we did it in my apartment, bust it
That wasn't the thing it must have been the way she hit the ceiling
'Cos after that she kept on coming back and catchin' feelings
I said, "Let's go my girl is coming so you gotta leave"
She said, "Oh no, I love you Treach" I said, "Now child please"
You gots to leave, come grab your coat, right now you gotta go
I said now look you to the stairs and to the stairwindow
This was a thing, a little thing, you shouldn't have put your heart
'Cos you know I was OPP, hell from the very start
Come on, come on, now let me tell you what it's all about
When you get down, you can't go 'round runnin' off at the mouth
That's rule number one in this OPP establishment
You keep your mouth shut and it won't get back to her or him
Exciting isn't it, a special kinda business
Many of you will catch the same sorta OPP is you with
Him or her for sure is going to admit it
When OPP comes-- skippy I'm with it

See? There's not one mention of paper in that song.

The Bullsh*t Doctrine: Learn it. Know it. Live it.

One thing is for sure; the USA should be proud of itself for impressing upon every generation (mine included) the abililty to totally bullshit your way through a question for which you do not know the answer.

In that particular respect, both of these ladies are brilliant, and frankly? Entertaining.


"...so we will be able to build up our future for our children." With maps?


Someone's getting bonus points for the B.S.'ing through the answer of a question she didn't even understand the concept of to begin with:


"His world view, you mean?" Uh, not quite.

Let's review:

• Not knowing the answer to why 20% of "US Americans" can't locate our own country on a map for a teen beauty pagent is okay.


• Not knowing what the Bush Doctrine is when you're running for the 2nd in charge to the leader of the free world is not okay. 
  

Even I know what the Bush Doctrine is, but I'm not running for V.P.

It just occurred to me that ALL political ads should end with, "I'm ______________, and I approved this MESS". At least it would be an accurate statement.

Just sayin'.

Hell, I still love you New York

If you were looking at a CT scan of my heart, this is what you'd see:


Photo ©HouseofJules


On a sunny afternoon at the beginning of summer in the mid-90's, alone (in the sense of being by yourself in a place with 7 million other people, which is possibly more alone than you could ever imagine), but excited after having relocated to the place I wanted to live in ever since I was a kid; fresh off the train in the underground part of Penn Station, doing a trial run to see how long it would take me to get from my new apartment to my new job in my new city. I had a map in my back pocket and knew the address of the graphic design firm I was to start working at the following week, but literally had no idea how to get myself from where I was to where I needed to be.

All the anticipatory stress I felt about that had been weighing heavily on my mind since I'd unpacked the week before--if not for the entirety of the 6 months I worked after college just to save up for my big move to my new apartment in my new city-- faded away like white noise in the background as I rode one of the escalators up from lower earth to the sidewalk, and the gigantic skyscrapers on 34th street were revealed to me at a slow-boat-to-China rate of speed; my line of vision directed first at their massive entryways, and going up, up, up, and up, trying to take in all the floors of the buildings and the realization of how small I was in comparison, as I was lifted towards street-level. It was a kind of forced-acclimation through sensory overload.

I was able to be still, standing on the right side of those electric stairs, while moving upward and gaping at the buildings, smelling the food being cooked at street carts, hearing the roar of traffic and horns, people hustling and bustling; while my heart was thumping louder than ever, welcoming me home. Finally.

Some people leave their hearts in San Francisco. Even before I actually lived there, mine resided in New York.

If you were listening to my heartbeat through a stethoscope, this is what you'd hear (which is made even easier by clicking the hotlink):

Ryan Adams. New York, New York
Well, I shuffled through the city on the 4th of July
I had a firecracker waiting to blow
Breakin' like a rocket who was makin' its way
To the cities of Mexico
Lived in an apartment out on Avenue A
I had a tar-hut on the corner of 10th
Had myself a lover who was finer than gold
But I've broken up and busted up since

And love don't play any games with me
Anymore like she did before
The world won't wait, so I better shake
That thing right out there through the door
Hell, I still love you, New York

Found myself a picture that would fit in the folds
Of my wallet and it stayed pretty good
Still amazed I didn't lose it on the roof of the place
When I was drunk and I was thinking of you
Every day the children they were singing their tune
Out on the streets and you could hear from inside
Used to take the subway up to Houston and 3rd
I would wait for you and I'd try to hide

And love won't play any games with you
Anymore if you don't want it to
The world won't wait and I watched you shake
But honey, I don't blame you
Hell, I still love you, New York
New York

I remember Christmas in the blistering cold
In a church on the upper west side
Babe, I stood there singing, I was holding your arm
You were holding my trust like a child
Found a lot of trouble out on Avenue B
But I tried to keep the overhead low
Farewell to the city and the love of my life
At least we left before we had to go

And love won't play any games with you
Anymore if you don't want 'em to
So we better shake this old thing out the door

I'll always be thinkin' of you
I'll always love you though New York
I'll always love you though New York, New York, New York

-

Luckily, I made some  g r e a t  friends there who give me an excuse, if I need one, to visit my heart at least once a year.

Twick or Tweet: The VMA-Suckfest Edition

Sunday night was the VMAs, otherwise known as the biggest waste of time in the history of history, and trust me when I tell you that I've wasted some time in my life. It. Was. Horrible. Keep in mind that I am a VH1 reality show junkie, so my bar is a lot lower than most some (ok, maybe none?) of you when it comes to a certain kind of entertainment, so if I found the VMAs boring, you might have caused yourself physical harm just to escape the awfulness of it all.

Poor Russell Brand, who is actually a very funny comedian from the UK, was forced into hosting the show in a "We're-Live-So-I-Can't-Say-Anything-We-Can-Get-Fined-For" act that was so boring and not-original that I nearly weeped. If you do a search on his life thus far, you'll see that the man has lots of edgy things to talk about from experience, and when he's getting paid to do his regular stand-up act, the results are hilarious. Unfortunately none of that was clear during the VMAs. I'm sure MTV had his man parts on lockdown until after the show, just in case he went off the predetermined script, which mostly consisted of commenting on how amazing every terrible act was.

There was a point during the show that I actually started yelling at my TV, and that point came when Christina Aguilera, the only performer with the actual gift of song, lip-synched. What kind of world are we living in when she's up on stage with an unnecessary microphone? As talented as she is when allowed to let sound emit from her throat, she could really use some practice on faking it because nobody was fooled. It was so bad that it seemed on purpose. I even theorized that for some reason MTV forced her to lip-sync and doing it badly was her act of rebellion, like how all her piercings used to be.

So, it sucked. There were only 2 things I really enjoyed about that night. Snarky text messaging with my friends throughout and LL Cool J, who performed "Goin' Back to Cali" on a side stage. How that man can always look so delicious is a mystery to me, but I'll have more to say on him later, including a very funny conversation with one of my friends about his new clothing line.

You'll note that I haven't mentioned the second-coming of Britney yet, and that's because it was totally over-hyped. She looks good, her teeth are so white they're nearly blue... all of that. I hope she keeps getting her life together, but really, whatever.

In the meantime, here are the public tweets I sent to Twitter from that night. Even if they aren't the most exciting things you've ever read, they are leaps and bounds about the actual show in entertainment value. You're welcome.

• Russell Brand's introduction to America has begun! Right after the overexposed Rhianna, that is.



• Oh yay, Rihanna will perform again! I know when I'll jump in the shower. 



• I'm pretty sure Jamie Foxx thinks he's in charge of MTV. At least he was yelling, "WAKE UP! WAKE UP!" at everybody in the audience instead of doing another Ray impression.



• Chris Brown would like to thank MTV for allowing his grandmother, Demi Moore, to present him with his award.



• Wake me up when The Jonas Brothers break into a steamy cover of Joe Cocker's 'Leave your Hat on'.



• So far the best part of the VMAs have been the private text messages b/w my friends & I on The Jonas Brothers apparent a-sexuality. Seriously. They don't even give off a vibe!



• Pussycat Dolls should stick to shaking their moneymakers. Not much of a future in public speaking. Course, nobody was listening anyway.



• Sharon Osbourne is hosting a season of 'Rock of Love Charm School'. Thanks VH1! I almost forgive you for all that Rihanna.



• Paramore's 'Misery Business' always makes me want to kick someone's teeth out. In a good way. Not yours, don't worry!



• @goldenfiddle Katy Perry can't be Zooey Deschannel because Zooey Deschannel is Katy Perry.



• Question: How great would it be if Slipknot was really The Jonas Brothers? Answer: SO GREAT.



• Jordin Sparks, onstage w/ John Legend, just said "not every guy & girl want to be sluts!" Judging by his face, this was news to John Legend.



• What am I more sick of than Rihanna? That 'Numa Numa' track sampled in her new single.



• Tokio Hotel's lead singer sure is a pretty girl. What's that, you say? Oh, I mean pretty guy.



• I would really enjoy some alone time with LL Cool J. 



• Fool me once MTV, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Never again, VMAs. You suck.

Sign up to follow my tweets here!

Presenti: Il festival favoloso delle cinque pizze...

("Presenting: The Fab Five Pizza Fest!")
...or at least how to make one of the tastiest toppings ever!

I'm not going to start posting everything delicious I've ever put in my mouth on here, so no worries! However, there are some things I think everyone should know how to make (or at least get the chance to eat after someone else makes them!), and roasted tomatoes are one of those things. They're so easy that it would be sad if you look at the recipe and think you can't handle it.

Last week, my 13-year-old nephew J assisted me with making a ton of them since tomatoes are really cheap right now. We loaded up on 12 Roma tomatoes and 4 huge Heirloom (true, a little pricier, but they're so funky looking we couldn't resist. Also? Delicious!) tomatoes-- yellow, purple, green and red/green striped-- then headed back to the house and set up an assembly line.

While I washed & sliced the tomatoes, J covered 4 cookie sheets with foil and spread a very light layer of olive oil on top of the foil. Then he started laying out the tomatoes like a pro. After that, we lined the cookie sheets up in assembly line fashion. He started us rolling by sprinkling our pre-measured kosher salt over each tray:


Tomatoes, salted.


I followed behind him with the balsamic vinegar, pouring an equal amount over each tray:


Tomatoes salted and balsamic vinegar'd.


Then J went over each tray with cracked black pepper, and I finished everything off with a very light drizzle of olive oil.


Tomatoes salted, vinegar'd, peppered and oiled.



Roma & Heirloom tomato heaven!



Shot from the other end of the counter. Still Drool-worthy.


I previously posted the recipe (which I had to quadruple for the amount of tomatoes J and I roasted) HERE.

Like always, they came out after roasting deliciously sweet and tangy, with an unmistakable ZING! I used them for several different things that week, the main thing as a topping on homemade pizzas! This is what my roasted tomato, black olive, red onion, mushroom, fresh basil & turkey-pepperoni (spicier than regular pepperoni, you should try it!) pizza turned out like:


Our cousin Eric's famous dough recipe, as well as some organic tomato sauce & cheese helped to make this the Best Pizza Ever. For real.


You can read all about that & see more photos of our Fab Five Labor Day Pizza Fest (including what everyone else's pizzas looked like!) on my sister's blog by clicking HERE!

  It's a lot more fun, when making your own homemade pizzas, if you have everyone speak with Italian accents, and occasionally belt out lyrics from That's Amore! Itsa nice!

All photos taken by J, my trusty kitchen and camera sidekick... except the gratuitous pizza shot, taken by my sister (who is also trusty).

"Weed apple dweed appledeeeee, skeet apple dweed appledeee-eeeee"

Disclaimer: I realize based on the title of this post that I'll likely move to the top of Google searches for people trying to figure out how to smoke Matthew McConaughey's favorite herb using a hollowed-out fruit pipe, but I'm quoting a source directly and I take that kind of thing seriously*.


If anyone besides my sister remembers Chicago's very own David Broom from MTV's Real World New Orleans (2000), I think I just saw him at my local Target. He was buying throat lozenges, no doubt from all the incredible** jazz scatting he's known*** for.

Even if you don't know who I'm talking about, let me just tell you that I feel really good about putting his thug love song in your head, because after you play this clip, you're going to want to thank me!

You're SO welcome.

Double-click either "play" arrow if you have trouble with the video:

"I've seen the way you've treated other thugs you've been with, c'mon be my baby tonight!"

I really want this as a ringtone****. Rather, a skeet appledee apple skeet-tone.

*Well, I mean, relatively seriously. Okay, a little bit seriously. Alright, not at all.
**Using the term "incredible" loosely.
***Using the term "known" very loosely.
****Seriously! The kind of seriously that is in direct opposition of the way that I used seriously the first time was a joke. This seriously is serious. Seriously!

But not until AFTER all that sex & chocolate!

Teri Hatcher, Teri Hatcher... this is some really great advice for your 10-year-old! You've obviously put in a full day, sweetie, so why don't you settle in for a little nap and store some of that energy for tomorrow?!

Twick or Tweet

• I've had a comedy crush on Russell Brand since I saw his act 3 years ago. Excited MTV hired him to host VMAs! tinyurl.com/5t2xjv

• I have "favorited" nearly every single @HenryRollins tweet. I can't help it, the man is just so favoritable. I'm sure the feeling is mutual.


• Michael Phelps booked to host SNL. It's gonna take a Tina Fey miracle to pull that one off. He should stick to being half-naked in pools.


• @melisalw: Of course I'm going to watch. He might spend the entire show half-naked in a pool.


• @hopesmommy: His upper half! See my recent tweet to @TajWanders re: my use of a "Combos™ snack" as a euphemism for something Phelps-related.


• @astrogirl426: As long as he was half-naked, right? I mean, you wouldn't watch him read a soup can label dressed in a turtleneck & sweats!


• I'd vote for the Jack McFarland/Anastasia Beaverhausen ticket in a heartbeat. McCain/Palin? NotSoMuch. tinyurl.com/6gxr9k
  


• Why is it that no matter when I go to leave, my neighbor + his cat are literally at my door hanging out? Scares the F outta me EVERY TIME.


• The last time I frequently used my local post office was over 2 yrs ago, and my favorite counter guys still know me by name. I love that.


• Apple co-creator Steve Job's 17-page obituary accidentally published early. 17 PAGES? They'd save some trees by using the "Sad Mac" icon.


• Pussycat Dolls 2nd single has motherly advice hook beyond 'Careful what u wish for', with: 'If u make a snotty face it'll freeze like that'.


• Will be disappointed in tabloids if none of them use the headline, "JUNEAU!" when reporting the details of Palin's 17 y.o. pregnant daughter.


• How late at nite is too late to start drinking a large iced coffee w/ a shot of espresso? In other news: I'll be awake for the next 48 hrs.


• Espresso took about an hour to kick in. Since then I've been residing in EYESWIDEOPENVILLE, population 1.


• Chicago: You can either storm like hell for next 46 min or wait until after 9 so we don't miss Brenda Walsh's bitchtastic return to 90210.


• The Cubs game is pre-empting 90210? Really? Look out WGN, Shannen Dougherty is gonna kick your baseball-prioritizing ass.


• @kristabella: You feel my pain! I got disgusted with all the "90210 is next!" scrawls during the game AND THEN THE NEWS & gave up. WGN=SUCK.

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