Sunday night was the VMAs, otherwise known as the biggest waste of time in the history of history, and trust me when I tell you that I've wasted some time in my life. It. Was. Horrible. Keep in mind that I am a VH1 reality show junkie, so my bar is a lot lower than most some (ok, maybe none?) of you when it comes to a certain kind of entertainment, so if I found the VMAs boring, you might have caused yourself physical harm just to escape the awfulness of it all.
Poor Russell Brand, who is actually a very funny comedian from the UK, was forced into hosting the show in a "We're-Live-So-I-Can't-Say-Anything-We-Can-Get-Fined-For" act that was so boring and not-original that I nearly weeped. If you do a search on his life thus far, you'll see that the man has lots of edgy things to talk about from experience, and when he's getting paid to do his regular stand-up act, the results are hilarious. Unfortunately none of that was clear during the VMAs. I'm sure MTV had his man parts on lockdown until after the show, just in case he went off the predetermined script, which mostly consisted of commenting on how amazing every terrible act was.
There was a point during the show that I actually started yelling at my TV, and that point came when Christina Aguilera, the only performer with the actual gift of song, lip-synched. What kind of world are we living in when she's up on stage with an unnecessary microphone? As talented as she is when allowed to let sound emit from her throat, she could really use some practice on faking it because nobody was fooled. It was so bad that it seemed on purpose. I even theorized that for some reason MTV forced her to lip-sync and doing it badly was her act of rebellion, like how all her piercings used to be.
So, it sucked. There were only 2 things I really enjoyed about that night. Snarky text messaging with my friends throughout and LL Cool J, who performed "Goin' Back to Cali" on a side stage. How that man can always look so delicious is a mystery to me, but I'll have more to say on him later, including a very funny conversation with one of my friends about his new clothing line.
You'll note that I haven't mentioned the second-coming of Britney yet, and that's because it was totally over-hyped. She looks good, her teeth are so white they're nearly blue... all of that. I hope she keeps getting her life together, but really, whatever.
In the meantime, here are the public tweets I sent to Twitter from that night. Even if they aren't the most exciting things you've ever read, they are leaps and bounds about the actual show in entertainment value. You're welcome.
- Russell Brand's introduction to America has begun! Right after the overexposed Rhianna, that is.
- Oh yay, Rihanna will perform again! I know when I'll jump in the shower.
- I'm pretty sure Jamie Foxx thinks he's in charge of MTV. At least he was yelling, "WAKE UP! WAKE UP!" at everybody in the audience instead of doing another Ray impression.
- Chris Brown would like to thank MTV for allowing his grandmother, Demi Moore, to present him with his award.
- Wake me up when The Jonas Brothers break into a steamy cover of Joe Cocker's 'Leave your Hat on'.
- So far the best part of the VMAs have been the private text messages b/w my friends & I on The Jonas Brothers apparent a-sexuality. Seriously. They don't even give off a vibe!
- Pussycat Dolls should stick to shaking their moneymakers. Not much of a future in public speaking. Course, nobody was listening anyway.
- Sharon Osbourne is hosting a season of 'Rock of Love Charm School'. Thanks VH1! I almost forgive you for all that Rihanna.
- Paramore's 'Misery Business' always makes me want to kick someone's teeth out. In a good way. Not yours, don't worry!
- @goldenfiddle Katy Perry can't be Zooey Deschannel because Zooey Deschannel is Katy Perry.
- Question: How great would it be if Slipknot was really The Jonas Brothers? Answer: SO GREAT.
- Jordin Sparks, onstage w/ John Legend, just said "not every guy & girl want to be sluts!" Judging by his face, this was news to John Legend.
- What am I more sick of than Rihanna? That 'Numa Numa' track sampled in her new single.
- Tokio Hotel's lead singer sure is a pretty girl. What's that, you say? Oh, I mean pretty guy.
- I would really enjoy some alone time with LL Cool J.
- Fool me once MTV, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Never again, VMAs. You suck.
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11 comments:
Is Zooey Deschannel and Katy Perry the same person? I don't even both watching award shows anymore. They just turn into a political soap box that I really don't give a crap about. Although I would tune in to see Amy Winehouse sniff a line of coke off Brittany's bald head.
I have one thing to say....if I NEVER hear Rihanna again, it'll be too damn soon!
I'm off on a limb here....But I like Rihanna. I actually prefer it when she sings the reggae stuff. But it seems she's dropping that and moving towards the rap/r&b. Probably because of big lipped Jay-Z. What an ass. GO BACK TO YOUR ROOTS!
That's why I never watch any award shows anymore - they're all a waste of time. Or maybe it's because I'm so out of touch with pop culture. I don't even know who Katy Perry and Zooey Deschannel are. And when the Oscars come on I've never seen any of the movies they're talking about.
@Troop542/Jen: "All Men" sista!
@Spammon: I liked Rihanna's S.O.S. and the next 2 singles, but her overexposure and subsequent style-evolution into what seems to be the 2nd coming of Bjork has given me pause. It's too much. She's a graduate of the Beyonce School of Self-Promotion, and it's just overkill. I can't take it. OH, and had you watched the VMAs, you'd know that Britney isn't bald anymore! You'd get to see Amy Winehouse snort coke that's been sprinkled throughout Britney's weave! Even better.
@Bev: Yeah, definitely off the award shows for awhile after the VMAs. Zooey Deschannel is an actress (totally adorable, you'd recognize her if you saw a picture b/c she's really unique-looking; in a good way) and Katy Perry is responsible for the earworm that is "I kissed a girl". Not to be confused with the song of the same name that came out 10 years ago, mind you. An all-new version. Anyway, they look a lot alike.
So does it break our friendship that I tell you I do like Bjork? Strange I know. But some of that weird stuff is catchy. I HATE Beyonce. More than the Beatles even. That should make up for Bjork. I'll tell you the Rihanna songs that are awesome. It's too bad the reggae is getting less and less on each album.
Here I Go Again
Dem Haters
Kisses Don't Lie
Crazy Little Thing Called Love
Coulda Been The One
As I typed in that dig at Bjork's style, I wondered if it would get misunderstood by anyone not residing inside my mind. I actually like some of Bjork's music (and some of Rihanna's--the earlier stuff, not this new crap), but not her STYLE (which if you'd seen Rihanna's outfits-- yes PLURAL: outfitS-- on the VMAs you'd see the connection between them), which is the picture I meant to paint with my words. Rihanna is not only overexposed but also poorly-styled. I should stick to painting with paint instead of words, I guess.
So, yeah, we're still friends! Unless you tell me that you like how Bjork dresses, and then we're going to have to agree to disagree, buddy. Now back away from that swan dress slowly.
PS: Your hatred of Beyonce is duly noted, and I salute you, sir. I can't believe you'd bring up that whole Beatles thing after what went on with your last post! I had to duck out of there after only one comment.
I will definitely agree with you on the LL Cool J comment and the incessant pounding in my head that immediately occured about 3 milliseconds prior to the announcement of Rihanna's next performance... really was the only one watching that night her MOM? Cause no one loves you like your mom.....
BEXSTA
The "duck" in the phrase "duck out of there" was not an intentional play-on-words in reference to Bjork's swan dress, but looking back it worked out nicely.
I think Rihanna is playing puppet right now to the recording industry and Jay-Z. I'm with you that it's way overdone. Maybe she needs to throw a dead goose around her neck to cap it all off?
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