Putting the Hump in Humpday: Renaissance Man offers himself to me; prizes to you!

There's a first time for everything, and this is H.O.J.'s first prize giveaway, which goes hand-in-hand with February's Hump of the Month post! Did I mention the prizes are AUTOGRAPHED? If ever there was a time for each of you (regulars and especially lurkers) to leave a comment or 10, this is it!  


Back in January, I went with an old friend to my favorite hang, The House of Blues, for drinks and dinner. Yes, in that order. HOB always has great live music and that night we got to experience the Dayton, Ohio-based Eric Jerardi Band (EJB). I posted some good banter between my friend & I from that weekend which you can re-read in entirety HERE, but this is what was said in reference to EJB:

"I had no idea Dayton, Ohio was capable of so much hot, sexified funk."

"Dayton's actually a really progressive city. We'll have to go when you come to visit, it's only a couple of hours from my place."

"Definitely! In the meantime, I'm gonna have to bone up on the Ohio music scene!"

"You said 'bone'!"

--

During the show, neither of us could sit still, take our eyes off the stage or keep our minds from weaving elaborate fantasies for that matter. Eric Jerardi is talented AND charming; which was all working in his favor, to say the least. I know my friend is going to say something in the comments about being first to "call dibs" on Jerardi, but I will say in my defense that there was a certain guy sitting next to us whose big, dumb head was blocking my view, and I'm sure it was on purpose. I was either going to get a kink in my neck from the strain, which would have taken away from my enjoyment of Jerardi's gravely, growl-y, HOT voice; or relegate myself to keeping my vertebrae in natural order and watching the bassist most of the night. Thankfully, I didn't have to SEE Jerardi to HEAR Jerardi (or, for that matter, FEEL him, if you know what I'm sayin', and I think you do...) so it was all good.

Everyone in the place was enjoying themselves, because EJB knows how to show the crowd a good time. There was just enough banter with the audience to show that he has a killer wit, and his music had more funk than is legal in most northern states. This is the kind of band you should definitely see live, because I am quite certain every couple in the place got lucky later that night, and maybe even one or two right there in the bar. Not that I'd know anything about that kind of behavior.

At one point in the show, Jerardi said that he was going to make the mood "a little bit darker", and then proceeded to play a song that made me sit up straighter, because just hearing his voice for that song wasn't enough for me. I had to see his face, too. It just did it for me... the whole package. I missed the title of the song, but I had to have it so I went to search iTunes. That didn't get me very far, so I decided to e-mail him directly and find out the song title. While he was gracious enough to write back a few days later (which totally impressed me because he was on tour) I had already become impatient a day earlier and decided to do a lyric search, which gave me the answer. It was a cover of Tom Waits' "Make it Rain", and unfortunately it's not on any of Jerardi's CDs. It is, however, in this YouTube video (Double-click on either 'play' arrow if you have trouble with the video):

Skip ahead to 2:30 (or -6:00, depending on which way the little clock is running) to see EJB do some serious justice to Tom Wait's "Make it Rain"; and turn it up! I will be busy trying to stop myself from making out with the man nearest to me. Or maybe I'll be busy NOT trying to stop myself...

In my initial e-mail to him, I mentioned that I wrote about that night on my blog and supplied the link. After reading it, his response was:

"I need to spend at least an evening if not a weekend with you and your friends. I love it. To complicate matters, I must tell you more about myself..."

Based on that reaction alone, this is a man who could very much hang with my friends and I for an evening or a weekend. Only the ones with a good sense of humor survive, trust me. To make a long-ish story short-ish, the man is a professional musician AND he owns one of Dayton, Ohio's top specialty gourmet food and wine shops, Jerardi's Little Store! In addition to all of that, he created and hosts a DVD series called Get Real Wine, featuring a backstage tour of wineries around the world by region.

He's a modern day renaissance man, and is a natural fit for February's Putting the Hump in Humpday. Sigh. He was game enough to submit to my every whim a personal interview, and to autograph 2 CDs I bought from him. He also threw in an autographed copy of his Get Real Wine Series 1 DVD: Napa & Sonoma Harvest; all of which will be given away to 3 lucky readers!  Details at the end of his interview.

DISCLAIMER: I'm not Rolling Stone Magazine, so cut me some slack on the quality of my questions and technique! Interviewing someone is more difficult than you think. Lucky for me, Jerardi doesn't bite. Hard. Besides, the upside of NOT being a professional reporter is that I don't have to be all that professional. You see where this is heading, right? It's a good thing that he is very candid AND has a great sense of humor, and I hope you do too. This is a real interview, but it contains some not-so-serious questions and answers. Sit back, relax... and enjoy! Then, leave a comment to get yourself in the running for the prizes (I know a few people who would smack their grandmothers to win this stuff)!


Eric Jerardi, musician extraordinare.


Eric Jerardi, wine expert.


Eric Jerardi, House of Jules' February Hump of the Month. (See how excited he is?)

Who were your earliest musical influences?
I always remember Little Richard, old Elvis records, Buddy Holly, and Jimmy Reed when I was young. I got to Hendrix, which got me to Stevie Ray which got me to Albert King a little later on. Now mix in Black Sabbath, Led Zeppelin, et al by the time I was in high school. Keep in mind that I didn’t pick up a guitar until I was almost 16.

What a coincidence! That's just about the age I started picking up guys. What was your first Fender?
The one I play today – 1962 Strat – a gift from my Dad after I graduated college.

Given your long touring history, do you have a favorite venue or city that you are particularly interested in visiting again?
I really care more about the people than the venue and whether or not they give a sh*t about what I’m doing. Everyone likes playing big venues, but they can suck if the crowd isn’t on board. The night before I did the House of Blues {Editor's note: Not to be confused with the night he did the House of Jules. Just Kidding.} in January, we did a Thursday show in Omaha from 5:30 til 8:30. Most fun I’ve had in years and quite possibly the best show I’ve ever done. It’s all about the energy, baby!

You just called me "Baby", which means that I'm officially putty in your hands. Soooo, Baby, what is your favorite go-to wine, or one that you've been saving for a special occasion; and what would be the call to open that bottle?
First of all, I am an insufferable, spoiled wine prick. I will take 60 bottles on this next tour that is only 20 days long. However, I don’t covet wine... I drink it. So if there is a very special wine in my cellar that is expensive and rare, the occasion to drink it would be a Tuesday evening because nothing good, or bad, happened to me on that day.

I like so many different wines that I rarely save special ones because I’d rather sell it to someone who wants it more than I do. I almost always drink $20 – $40 French and Italian wine. More specifically, I like reds from Bordeaux & Burgundy (France), and Tuscany & Piedmonte (Italy). I love to cook, and I get paid to do it, so food and wine is important to me. I’ve found that very complex wine is better off on it’s own or with something simple, and that very complex food is better suited for more simple, less complex wine.

You are so speaking my language right now that I'm tempted to cut this interview short to help you "not covet" the wine in your cellar, but I worked really hard on these questions so I suppose we'll keep going. How did you make the leap from a passion for wine to the business venture of Jerardi's Little Store?
I didn’t have a passion for wine when I started this store. I had a marginal interest at best. I grew to love it though. I tasted as much as I could and read as much as I could, and here I am.

If you replaced the word "wine" in your last answer with "Jules", and if you replaced the word "store" with "interview", we would have the perfect arranged marriage right now. Just a thought. Who came up with the idea and picks the destinations for the Get Real Wine Series?
I came up with the idea along with my manager, who is a talented videographer/director/producer. I pick the destinations, write the dialogue and the itinerary.

You also perform all the music on the DVDs! See, I did my research. You realize that I'm a professional photographer, right? I will look for an invitation to your 2009 Chile & Australia trips, because I can be of service. So, what's the 2nd favorite thing a fan has done for you (presuming this is your favorite, of course.)
*********** ******** {Editor's note: E-mail me if you can't guess the first and too-hot-for-publication part of his answer. I'll need to see an ID or proof of your age, first.} without question; always a solid bet when considering gift giving. Maybe guitars I suppose, I’ve gotten a few. Also one fan gave me a rare Tom Waits Playbill, framed and matted in a color that matched my studio which he saw on my music DVD.

Well I know somebody who could work on that first part. Not me, of course, because I'm a lady... why does everyone laugh when I say that? Who would be in your ultimate music supergroup?
Supergroups don’t work; so that’s out. Too many egos, too many dominant styles to blend together.

That explains why VH1's Supergroup didn't stay together! Too many alpha-males! Speaking of which, what's your favorite mood music?
I don’t like mood music at all. I can’t, under any circumstances, have "relations" or the like if there is music playing. I hear music in my head all day and it's maddening at times. Any rhythm from a semi-truck, buzzing beer cooler, or annoying kid will set my wheels in motion. So if I’m trying to get in a “mood”, music will be a distraction to the point of disaster. Maybe you didn’t even mean that type of mood – my mind is always in the gutter.

Oh, that's the type of mood I meant, alright. Your answer is fascinating, I never would have thought music to be such an obstacle. So, getting The Bang CD cued up is out then. This is good information; note taken!

What is your favorite mans-man activity?
Working out and boxing at the gym. I was an athlete when I was younger and no one knew even I played music in high school. I hate watching sports and hanging around dudes who slug draught beer and eat chicken wings. When everyone is watching NASCAR, I’m in the kitchen having cheese, drinking Pouilly Fume with my hands down all of their wives’ knickers. That is my idea of a nice Sunday sporting event.

That is a fantasy sports league my friends and I could get on board with! Ok, on the flip-side of the whole mans-man thing, What's the last chick flick you watched?
I don’t really know, but I guess I don’t really mind chick flicks.

That's the perfect answer, and not just because I'm too busy fixating on what you said your idea of a nice Sunday sporting event was to give the answer to this question the attention it deserves. Did I mention I have a glass of Pouilly Fume here for you? Ok, I'll get back to the questions. Finish this sentence: "It'll be time to pack up the gear for good when..."
I take the dirt nap.

Do you see a live album in your future that would include your super-hot rendition of the song that led us to this moment, Tom Waits' "Make it Rain"? (Otherwise known as the question when I ask how much I have to beg and plead.)
I’m not sure about that. I feel as though I can’t even come close to the original of that song and I feel that I can’t really add anything to it, so I’m thinking no. But who knows. It sounds good with an organ, so that would be different.

I love that you're not ruling it out completely. Until then I will just look forward to you dedicating it to me the next time I see your live show. Sidenote: You said 'organ'.

Finally, the question I've been working toward all night! Your 3 passions in life are music, wine & food. Describe the best night all 3 of those coincided, and take it slow. I'm about to get comfortable.
Ok, I come over to your house around 8. I have a bottle of Bollinger Champagne, a basket of French food and more wine. While we drink the Champagne, I put together a little charcuterie plate with country pate, foie gras, cornichons, cheese, Dijon, and a baguette. I pop the 2001 Cos d Estournel, and we stand in the kitchen, enjoying the simple French country fare. After all of that, I whip out my.......... guitar, and sing to you for about 20 minutes. Then we fornicate like bunnies.

Uh, yeah. That would do it! DROOL.

--

A huge thanks to Jerardi for being my first interview subject. You really knew when to be gentle, and when to pull my hair (during the interview). Your appreciation of "sassy broads" is unparalleled! 

As previously mentioned, I have autographed prizes I'll be giving away to 3 lucky readers, who will be picked next week by using a random number generator. All you have to do is make yourself known in the comments and be sure to come back here next week to see if you've won! You can comment as much as you would like, though only one prize per person. If I don't hear from a prize winner within a week of the announcement that they've won, I'll choose replacement winner(s) the following week.

Here's what could be yours:

Prize #1: An autographed (!!) copy of Eric Jerardi Band's "Live" CD


Prize #2: An autographed (!!) copy of Eric Jerardi Band's "Restless" CD


Prize #3: An autographed (!!) copy of Get Real Wine Series 1, Napa & Sonoma Harvest DVD


After commenting here (as many times as you want.... increase your chances!), head over to Jerardi's official website for tour dates and go see him live! You will not be sorry. Don't forget to come back next week to see if you won!



March's Humpday post will feature: Javier Bardem, but sadly no autographed prizes! I'm keeping him too busy for that.

You can read January's Humpday post HERE.

It's catchier than the generic name Rabeprazole Sodium, that's for sure!

After work last night, I heard a new drug commercial on the radio. I'm sure that marketing department knew exactly what they were doing when they decided to go with the name, Aciphex, because this kind of genius doesn't just happen accidentally.


It helps if you say it to out loud in a sentence, like "Last night at the club everyone was admiring my Aciphex!"

Interestingly enough, I saw the TV commercial when I got home and thought they could have done MUCH better by that name! In the pitch meeting, I would have suggested they use this scene from the Drew Barrymore movie, "Never Been Kissed":

Drew Barrymore has obviously been prescribed Aciphex!


Sidenote:
Speaking of reasons behind a good ass-shake; be sure to come back tomorrow for February's "Putting the Hump in Humpday post. Not only does it feature someone VERY worthy of the title, but I'll be giving away AUTOGRAPHED (by HIM, obviously) PRIZES! 

You can read January's "Humpday" post here.

The love-child of Demi Moore and Soleil Moon-Frye + future wife of John Cusack = The Birthday Girl!

Happy Birthday to my left Shula from your right Shula!


This is my favorite photo of you, ever. The fact that I shot this very late one night, after many drinks, tells me that maybe I should be tipsy when I'm actually getting PAID by people to be a photographer.


You came to be the glue that holds A.I. together and kept everything running smoothly a little over a year after I started freelancing there, and since you worked during regular business hours and I freelanced after my day job in SoHo (where I worked from 9-5) until 9pm, it took a little while for our paths to actually cross. The fact that our first interaction was me writing you a note, asking you to leave out a garbage bag for me at the office (because I didn't know where they were, and I was upstairs loft-sitting as well as doing freelance work at the office for D & V, and that our first face-to-face conversation was trying to figure out how to get them to adopt us as their "children" so we could divvy up some of their incredible collections of stuff, along with the additional fact that the first social thing we did together was attend Wigstock in 1998 really says everything about our friendship: Trash, quirky yet valuable collectibles, and hanging out with men in dresses. I kid, I kid. That's certainly where it all started though, and ever since that long day with all of those drag queens, watching Debbie Harry on stage, we've been through a million things together.

You have big plans to marry John Cusack, which will be awfully convenient since he and Jeremy have been friends since childhood. I have seen more concerts with you than everyone in my life put together... From Blondie to The Black Crowes/Jimmy Page, The Stones (Woo Woo!) in several states, Bowie, The Who, Robert Plant.... and I'm sure there are a handful of other shows that have for the moment slipped my mind. We've traveled together, made friends out of strangers together and have of course, quoted movies endlessly together. We'll crush the competition at the next World Series of Pop Culture, I just know it. Who gets lost in a rental car when crossing the border from NYC to Jersey? We do. While we're at it, why don't we (ahem, you) drive the wrong way down Riverside Drive? It's never boring when we're together, and I love that about us!


Who has more fun when shopping for specialty lightbulbs in SoHo for Vince than we do? I mean, really. An entire store dedicated to lightbulbs and we get distracted for 20 minutes putting this magnifying glass up to everything in sight. The cashiers were not amused.


We also stumbled upon Bono's source for crazy glasses during our "shopping for office supplies" afternoon. How we ever actually got work done, I'll never know. In our defense, it was about 125˚ in the city that day. I blame our hijinks on the heat.


"Home" in NYC at D & V's... late, late, late after V's birthday bash. I distinctly remember that we were watching Seinfeld, and love that there is a photographic record of us laughing at it together. How is it possible that this was 10 years ago?


What do we do when we get lost driving around New Jersey? Stop for a photoshoot!


There seemed to be a problem getting cabs that night on the way to the halloween party. I wonder why?


Playing a harmonica duet with Blues Traveler's John Popper


The traditional Sangria & fish tacos at Miracle Grill in the Village. You can tell by the blur-factor that we were on our 2nd pitcher of Sangria, but who could blame us?


Two notable things about this photo: We spotted this shirt mere hours before bowling league that night, and the opposing team was called "The Crack Hos". Unfortunately most of their team didn't show up. Must have been too busy being crack hos.


A REAL PHOTO of Matthew Broderick and his girlfriends, us! This was my last hurrah before moving from NYC to Chicago. Thanks to D&V for tricking me into thinking we had an important client meeting (so I'd dress up) and then taking me to see Night Must Fall, starring Matthew Broderick. You met us afterwards for dinner a few blocks away and we actually ended up seated at the table right next to Matthew & his friends. Only in New York.



Vacation! Catalina Island, California. One of my favorite days ever, even though I got seasick on the ferry ride, which was very, very attractive. That'll teach me to drink warm Coronas on a boat in choppy water! Thanks for getting me out onto the deck and into the fresh air!


Home away from home. The best beach bar, literally IN THE SAND, in Pacific Beach, CA.


What happens when enjoying ourselves on vacation with our favorite B.A.M.F.s Danny and Mikey? EVERYTHING GOOD, that's what.


Awww! You & Mikey, aka "Mr. Zero". Because nobody F**ks with Mr. Zero. Well, except you.


At the 1:30 mark: "They're just standing there, three huge guys. One of them wearing a t-shirt that says, 'Don't F**k with Mr. Zero...'"


Our favorite way to start the day when visiting your mom & Lou in Southampton: The Golden Pear's breakfast burrito. The key is eating it at the beach, of course.


The Three Musketeers: Me, Chris & you. Can you tell that I'm in my happy place?


The Four Amigos: You, Chris, me & Benny. What could possibly top the 4 of us together? Well...


My favorite NYC peeps come to visit me in Chicago for New Years weekend (minus Vince & Donna). This is possibly the only thing better than the previous photo. If I had to rate my happiness when all of us are in the same room, it would be off the charts. I love that Dr. Jason's ass is literally resting in my hands in this photo (and as often as he allows it any other time). Oh, and who's that handsome man on the far right? I don't think we've been formally introduced. HA!


Demi Moore and Soleil Moon-Frye. Somehow you're related to these women, I just know it.

I hope you have the best birthday ever, and I can't wait to see you this summer.... xoxo!

This time Disney has taken things too far!

Humans need to learn when-to-say-when in electing to have plastic surgery.

After his role in Disney's Enchanted, it looks like McDreamy might be caught up in a real-life fairy tale role reversal:


Beauty (left) and The Beast.

He’s very good at his job, which is all about selling people what they'll like by using imagery they can understand

Recently I had a really bad day (nothing to be *alarmed* about, just a bad day!) and some of my friends checked in to see how I was doing. They knew to do so not only because they're an intuitive lot, my group of peeps, but also because I sent out a mass e-mail to everyone, which may or may not have included the following:

If I get through this day, it will be an actual miracle that I will credit it to any and all of the tipples I've been....tippling. If there is any love in your heart for me, you will think of something supportive, something kind, something witty, or simply something that doesn't sound like a critique on the way I have glasses arranged in my kitchen cabinets; and you'll leave this gem of positivity on my voicemail or in my inbox. Then I'll have more people besides the Robert Mondavi Winery to send thank you notes to next week.


I got plenty of amazingly supportive responses, and I appreciated them all because they were as varied as the personalities of the people I surround myself with. One of these responses made me laugh so hard, though, that I had to share it with you.

What you need to know as background information is that this person makes their living educating people on pairing wine with food (or in my case, wine with whining). This was his response:

Get away from Mondavi and branch out to Argentina's Gascon Malbec 2006. Same idea, better state of mind (think Javier Bardem in leather and smoke with a whole lot of berries). You will not be disappointed.


This is a person who KNOWS exactly how to describe wine in terms I can understand and appreciate. Telling me that a certain wine tastes like Javier Bardem looks in leather? Suddenly I felt MUCH better.

The crashing of the surf, like the beating of our hearts, drowned out the sounds of the paparazzi

It has been so cold here in Chicago that Jeremy decided to whisk me off to the beach. We both needed to shake off some of these wintertime blues! Even with the pesky paparazzi, it was a lovely getaway. You can tell in the photo on the right that I hardly had a concern in the world beyond making sure my legs got tan.


Pivs & I, soaking up the heat of the sun, which is different than the heat of our love only in that the sun eventually sets, taking it's heat with it. Our love is on, 24/7, baby.


I wouldn't have known anything about our uninvited guests had Jen not sent me the link! Thanks, Jen!

Brides-To-Be everywhere declare USDA "Bachelorette Party Enemy #1"

You're not going to believe this, but I'm not a fan of male strip clubs (seriously, I'm really not); however, I was still shocked to see this story on CNN.com:


The bad news is that apparently the USDA has jurisdiction over beefcake. The good news is I won't need so many dollar bills at the next bachelorette party I attend!


Just kidding, I'm only having some fun with the headlines again. The real story about ACTUAL beef is HERE. I bet my version, had it been real, would have made some of you a little more outraged, though.

Now with twice the music, twice the entendre

Every year for the past ten, I've made an official Valentine's Day mix to send out to all of my loved ones. Every year except for that one February when I was totally disgusted with showing affection to anyone; but it was for the best, trust me.

This year I've taken a page from one of my best friends (she may or may not choose to "out" herself in the comments), who upon hearing a song with a particularly sexified beat or super-hot lyrics, will turn to me and say, "Oooh, this one is going on the 'BANG' cd!". The first time she said it, approximately 100 years ago, we were in a loud bar and I wasn't sure I heard her correctly. She assured me that she did in fact say what I though she said, and that she does in fact have a cd specifically designated as "BANG" music. By the way, that is HER vulgar term, not mine. I would never say something like that because I'm a lady.

What? Don't you believe me?

Regardless, this V-day mix is a tip of my proverbial hat in her direction, as I've come up with a playlist worthy of my own Bang CD. I also took eleventy-hundred hours and uploaded it all so that you can enjoy it too! It should come as no surprise to you that some lyrics are not appropriate for young ears (or old ears, if you're at work and your boss is nearby).


It's all there... the beginning make-out songs, to the well, the OTHER music, and it'll take you all the way through your Love Hangover. You're welcome.


I cannot be held responsible for the effect this music has on you, but I will take all the credit!

So, whether you're spending Valentine's Day (night, whatever) alone or with one or more loved ones, enjoy this mix... and by ENJOY I mean, well, you know what I mean. I won't spell it out for you because I'm a lady.

Seriously, why doesn't ANYONE believe me when I say that? ;)

This is all theoretical, of course; it certainly didn't just happen to me.

Let's just say, in theory, that you got home from work a little bit early today; and let's go one further and say that there is a 6' tall snowbank between your parked car and the sidewalk that leads down the path to your door. Assuming that the snowbank was not solid ice, and that the earth has this thing called gravity; at some point during your attempt to go over the pile of snow, your legs probably sank down pretty far, and then you had to pull them out and climb a little higher, sinking down again.

You most likely repeated those actions enough times to eventually get over the top and then you did more of a slide down the back of the snowbank. Your boots are wet, your socks are wet, your pants are water-logged, and unfortunately you're wearing the ones that are longer than they should be; so they're also dragging down the sidewalk all the way to your door; bringing tiny piles of snow and ice along with them.

Since it's windy, and you're already shaking from the low temperature, the first thing you do when you close the front door behind you is to take off your jacket, hat, gloves, sopping wet boots and socks. Then you look down at your pants, which are sticking to your legs as if you went swimming in them, and figure, "I might as well take these off, too"; which you do. Right there in your entryway.

You're standing there, shivering cold, but at least you're no longer wet, and decide to quickly flip through your mail. Then, just as you start a little mini-jog towards your bedroom, where you're to find comfortable, dry clothes to throw on, a man walks out of your bathroom. He's as surprised to see you as you are to see him.

Each of you manages to scream LIKE A GIRL for about 5 seconds, and once you realize you're standing there in nothing but a sweater, in front of one of the maintenance guys, you get it together long enough to push past him and slam your bedroom door, all the while yelling, "What the F%*K, YOU GUYS ARE SUPPOSED TO CALL 24 HOURS BEFORE YOU COME IN HERE!"; and he's stammering apologies, saying "It was marked down that someone DID call, but it must have been an oversight because why would you be half naked if you knew someone was fixing your bathroom sink?", and while you're pulling on some pants you yell back, "You're damned right it was an oversight!"

Then he says he "just finished anyway!", which, because you're delirious, in shock and also because you have the twisted mind of a 15 year old, you misconstrue it, thinking he's trying to be funny by implying something ENTIRELY different by that statement, and you lose your shit completely until you realize he just means he's done with the sink repair.

By the time you open your bedroom door--fully dressed--you're already laughing about the absurdity of the last 15 minutes.

Having quietly stepped over your pile of wet clothes and boots in the entryway, he's already gone.

The girls are talkin', the girls are talkin'... and Bullie, you didn't disappoint!

Do you remember this post from two weeks ago? The one that ended with someone paying $29.99 for a certain item that was described to have "at one time contained the seeds of life and the future of the herd"?

To enhance the reading experience of this post, I'm going to get you in the right frame of mind, because I'm a giver like that (Double-click on either "play" arrow if you have trouble with the video):

TLC's "Girl Talk": A most appropriate song for this particular post, and pretty much my life.


Alright. I think you're ready now, or as ready as you're going to be!

I got a phone call from Anastasia Beaverhausen (Jen) the other night while I was rushing around getting dressed up. Ignoring that I was almost on my way out the door, she responded with a very Carol-Anne-from-Poltergeist-like, "It's he-ere!"!

I stopped what I was doing and knowing what the answer would be, asked, "What's here?"


And thus begins the first H.o.J. live blogging event: The un-boxing of el Saco de Toro!

THE PLAYERS: Jen, Me, El Saco De Toro, KC (Jen's 9 year-old daughter, who had a red Prada bag on her Christmas list, to which Jen replied, "First of all, young lady, you don't even know what a Prada bag is, and second of all, I DON'T EVEN OWN A PRADA BAG SO KEEP DREAMING!"), and Jax, their family's small but very amorous dog.

Jen: It's he-ere!

Me: What's here?

Jen: I waited to open it until you were on the phone... The Saco de Toro "Bullie"  is He-ere!

Me: Don't go to the light, Carol Anne! Soooo, what's your first impression?



Jen: It.............. ohmigod, it smells. It really, really smells. Like...

Me: Wait! Let me guess. It smells like balls, doesn't it?

Jen: Quick, someone get MENSA on the line!

Me: You know I totally aced their "fun test", don't you? For awhile, B. called me "Ace" because of my score. This fact totally pales in comparison to what you're now holding in your hands.

Jen: Anyway "Ace", it has some marks on it, but they said that would be the case with each one, and that these 'blemishes' are "indicative of the hardships endured by the beast", so I guess I shouldn't expect it to be pristine. Uh oh, here comes KC. This should be interesting.

KC: Gross, Mom! What is that and what is it made of?

Me: I dare you to tell her it's the new Prada bag. That'll teach her not to be a slave to fashion!

Jen: It's the new brown Prada! Hold it so I can take a picture.

KC: (clearly smart enough to know better) No, I'm not going to hold that thing! What's it made of? Tell me!

Jen: Uhhhh, animal skin.... like your boots. Hold it so I can send a picture to Julie.

KC: I'm not touching that thing. (exiting the room quickly)

Me: She doesn't have time for these foolish games! What are your other impressions of el Saco?

Jen: It has HAIR on it!

Me: What did you expect, that it would be waxed?

(Jax the love-dog walks in, sniffing around to see what's up.)

Jen: Now the dog has come in here to inspect the Saco.



Me: Animal recognizes animal. It's like us, out at the bar! Anyway, Jax is probably formulating a plan on how to get the Saco all to himself later, and get all romantic-like. Again, like us out at the bar!

Jen: This is by far the best $29.99 I've ever spent.

Me: I totally agree. What are you going to do with it now?

Jen: I have it up on a shelf, looking gorgeous. All I have to do is take care of that smell. Maybe I'll buy some dried flowers.

Me: So, what once held the "seeds of life and the future of the herd" is to be a large potpourri holder? I'm SURE the bull would be pleased.

See Jen's post on her new "purse" by clicking HERE.

Well, everything EXCEPT stealing my records and screwing all of my friends

I am really tired of getting bitch-slapped by Old Man Winter. At the beginning of November, the flakes were cute. I had a little flirtation going on with the cold weather. I wore some adorable sweaters and the winter hat I bought in Zermatt (the fact that hat rhymes with Zermatt usually makes me happy, even in freezing temperatures).

Now I'm over it. I know there is more snow accumulation elsewhere and I realize there are more pressing matters at hand in the universe, but seriously, these continuous snowstorms are bringing me DOWN.

For example, I've had the following song on repeat in my iTunes for the past 8 hours, which is pretty much what I've done every February since this song came out. I might need a Ryan Adams intervention... but good luck getting here. It will take days for you to scale the snowdrifts alone.


Double-click on either "play" arrow if you have trouble with the video

"Come Pick Me Up"

I wish you would:
Come pick me up. 
Take me out. 
F**k me up. 
Steal my records.
Screw all my friends with a smile on your face, and then do it again.
I wish you would.

If you are NOT planning to put me through a Ryan Adams intervention, but are instead going to follow the lyrics in this song, intending to Come Pick Me Up and all that comes after that (except stealing my records and screwing my friends), I will gladly shovel a path to my door.

I dare you to tell Brooke Shields & I apart!

Brooke Shields and I have SO much in common! For starters, there is the whole getting marooned on a beautiful island-thing, letting nothing get between us and our Calvins, attending Princeton University, starring in our own 90's sitcom, and marrying hot Hollywood players.

Except for the fact that she's 8 years my senior, on some days we also have this in common:


Oh, Brooke... you're so relatable!

One of my favorite photo subjects is ThirTEEN today

Back when he was a younger superhero, swinging on a swing flying through the air.


The youngest in our family, my nephew J., is officially a teenager today. He's smart, kind, hilarious, and can pick up any instrument to play something by ear. He's been taking guitar lessons for a couple of years and recently asked me a very important question.

"Have you ever heard of the song, Freebird?"


That ranks right up there with the time his older brother (who is on his way to 16) was in 1st grade and told me all about these special CDs his teacher brought to class. They were HUGE, and black.

Of course, they weren't CDs, but records.


I love those kids.