It's time for your spankings, Mister F!

Happy Birthday Chris/Crees/Topher/Tophy Tophowitz!

We love you!

You're HOW old today? INCONCEIVABLE!

Proudly holding up the shirt my nephew J and I made for you!

Our first face-to-face introduction was at Vince's 50th birthday bash. I won't count the years on this public forum because I am a kind person and I love Vince (if you're reading this Vince, you're only as old as the body you feel! Wait...), but I'll just say that we go back a few! Shoni said, "This is my friend Chris, you know, 'Bowling Chris'!" My first impression? That you had great hair. Serious! Anyway, we had a good 10 minutes of time all together until Jazzy sniffed out the new person in the crowded loft, and it was not love at first sight for either of you. She barked and growled like you were an intruder. I still think it was because you had on camouflage pants and she couldn't see your legs. Hmm. Dogs. Well, she might not have liked you, but I did! You and your great hair and your invisible-to-dog-vision legs!

Not too long after that, I moved back to Chicago. My visits back to see you guys are always planned around bowling night, and things never feel quite right until I hear you say, "Welcome home!", or "Shmelcome Shmome!" depending how how many drinks we've had. I wish I could be there to help you celebrate this milestone birthday. Here is the list of activities I'd plan if we were in the same city.

I would suggest starting at Egg Harbor in Chicago so you can have your favorite sandwich in the world: the Door County (or, Door COUNTRY as you call it) Melt. The very same sandwich that I text messaged you the ingredients in the hopes that it would help tame your craving.


I would not allow them to serve you hot beverages of any kind in the clear mugs that we have such disdain for.

When cropping this photo taken of us with my hot chocolate, I made sure to leave in your entire bicep. You're welcome.

After you work off the sandwich by doing 100 push ups, we'll go out to celebrate.

The ultimate in cleverness: A reversible shirt with 'I Love My Girlfriend' on one side and 'I Hate My Girlfriend' on the other.

On the way, we'll hopefully find as many revolving doors for you to go through as we can. Oh look, here's one now!

Chicago's revolving doors never had a bigger fan than you. You didn't know what the love affair was with this city and those doors (other than the fact that they're more fun than just walking directly into a building), and I remember seeing an actual light bulb go off above your head when I told you that they help keep the heat inside during the windy city winters (and of course the a/c inside during the humid summers). You're trying to look very jaded in this picture but right after I took it, you said, "I'm going around again!". So we did what any good friends would do and left you with your revolving door to go to the bar.

Then after that, it's time for your traditional show of flexibility. There are many, many other photos I have as proof of said flexibility. This is the only one that doesn't feature you in any number of positions illegal in 7 southern states.

I just realized that you're wearing camo pants in this photo! Good thing Jazzy wasn't at this bar with us in 2004. She wouldn't have seen your legs that night, either. Interestingly we were at ViewBar, whose slogan is actually "See and Be Seen".

It goes without saying that after your show of bendy-ness, everyone will fight over who gets to spank you first. Why should your birthday be different from every other night when people line up to give you spankings? Just another night in the life of Tophowitz.

A little game called "grab-ass". (Not really a game, per say, but there is a point system. I could tell you more but you'd have to be initiated. E-mail me for details).

For our 2 a.m. dinner, I think we should head to the pizza joint near Shoni's old apartment at the intersection of 29th Street & Ethan Hawke Avenue. I know what you'll have: 3 slices, one calzone and NO, you don't want to just split one with either of us. Then afterwards maybe you'll feel a little too full and will wonder out loud, several times, why you didn't just split one calzone with us?!

This is your "stoked to eat pizza" face, otherwise known as "Pre-bloat" or "Before the good times ended".

Wait a minute, we forget about lunch!

"LUNCH". Best belt buckle in the universe, purchased right here in Boystown.

We'll definitely have to get hotel rooms! Say, how about the (no longer the same) House of Blues Hotel? Between Shoni & I, you always get a "pass" to our room. We're no fools! You obsessively (adorably?) keep the place clean and you always answer the door for room service. Since you can't sit still for longer than 5 minutes, you often hit the floor to knock out yet another set of push ups or dance around the room whenever the mood strikes.

Giving the people living in Marina Towers a little "Taste of Topher". I just made that saying up, but feel free to use it.

Are you trying to sleep?


C'mon really! You can't sleep yet! It's still your birthday!


Finally, tomorrow we'd all end up on the beach in Puerto Rico sipping cold beer, looking forward to another year of big adventures together, numerous funny stories and plenty of shmelcome shmomes. However, you'll still be the only one who looks THIS DAMN GOOD:

Yowza!

The best thing about you is that your insides match your outsides. You're truly beautiful through & through. Have an amazing birthday (or should I say, "Shamazing Shmirthday!"). Love you!