I'll never get back that one hour, 39 minutes and 41 seconds of my life, but the sting of writing you this letter pains me more

No, no, no! Please stop.

Dear Zach Braff,
If someone would have told me that one day I would not enjoy you completely--in every way--I would have laughed in their face and probably done something totally out of character for me: throw in a nasty comment about their mother or sister, driving home the point that they have no idea how little you have to do for me to want to kiss your face off.


See? You're hardly doing a thing in this scene, yet still remain utterly charming.



Put those defibrillator paddles down so we can get to it! Lose the other people first, though. I only do this kind of thing in front of friends while dreaming.



The fact that you wrote, directed and starred in the loved-by-me movie, Garden State, cemented my confidence in having no expectations of your work, because in Garden State your character was the polar opposite of your character on Scrubs. Therefore, I would like you in any role, or so I thought.

After watching your latest movie, The Last Kiss, I realized that I actually do have expectations of you. You didn't meet them in this film, unfortunately. I would have to apologize (especially for that nasty comment I made about their wonderful mother) to the person who warned me about the-day-I-wouldn't-enjoy-you, except there was nobody to apologize to. I have been living in a world where nothing bad is said about your acting, there was no warning from anybody. This is a sad moment for me, because now I'm going to have to tell people to avoid this movie.


I see that you're surprised at my disappointment. I'll have you know that I was making this same kind of face throughout most of the movie. This whole experience has been quite an eye-opening shocker for the both of us.

As you know, The Last Kiss is a remake of the Gabriele Muccino Italian film L'Ultima Bacio; the second of a film triad in between Come Te Nessuno Mai (But Forever in My Mind) and Ricordati di Me (Remember Me, My Love); all of which I liked. Something must have gotten lost in translation for the American remake. Muccino is brilliant at creating self-centered characters in his movies. I'm sorry to say that you aren't believeable when acting like one, which in a way is a compliment (right?).

While I'm tempted to say, "Take The Last Kiss and kiss off forever, Zach Braff!", you & I both know we'll be together again during the week when I watch you on those Comedy Central Scrubs reruns. See you then.

Love,
Jules


Hey, it's my song!