The second most overused phrase in all our years of friendship: "How did we even get ON this subject?". You don't want to know what the first one is.

Last night Anastasia Beaverhausen (aka Jen) and I were on the phone, going over some things we're collaborating on. Other than the fact that during these calls, she's usually sitting on the John Deere lawn tractor in their garage, beer-in-hand (she lives in Texas, it's state law) and the fact that I'm usually lying in bed trying to keep warm under my down comforter, red wine-in-hand (naturally), we treat these conversations like teleconferenced business meetings. We get a lot done when we're in "Billable Time", or B.T.  Non-billable time involves a lot of short text messages to each other that end with, "Longr vrsion 2nite in B.T.".

Once in awhile during B.T., her husband will come out to her office the garage to get another beer and to tell us to quiet down because the kids are trying to sleep ask why she only laughs like that when we're on the phone find out when I'm coming back for a visit make us woozy with his impression of Barry White, which sounds just like this:


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The only difference being that her husband uses his own deep voice to recite the script from those Arby's commercials that Barry White did, the description of a sandwich pouring out of his mouth slow-like-molasses, our giddy reactions doing nothing but encouraging him to continue. That is, until he gets sick of hearing himself say, "Ohhh baby, Beeeeef and Cheddar. Molten hot cheddar cheese dripping down over thinly sliced beef, on a freshly baked bun. Beefffff and cheddarrrrr, it's what you want to eaaaattttt, baby...". 

I say until HE gets sick of it, because we never will. I digress.


Some important points we went over last night in B.T. were...

Necessity really is the mother of invention:

JEN: "V. and her company will be at ShoWest with all of Hollywood again this year. Once she was even alone in an elevator with Ben Affleck. Wouldn't THAT be fun?"

ME: "I don't know, I get the feeling that Ben Affleck is the kind of guy who would definitely have something to say if you tried to seduce him in an elevator. He doesn't seem like the just-go-with-the-flow type that scenerio would require."

JEN: "Honey, that's what duct tape was invented for."



The internet is an important tool when you need the correct spelling, usage and definition of one of her mom's favorite words, (which for the record is pronounced GOH-SH):

JEN: "Is the word "Gauche" spelled with an 'a' or an 'o'?"

ME: "An 'a', and I know this because I looked it up earlier at Dictionary.com. Wait, there's a definition on *Urbandictionary.com for 'Gouche' with an 'o'. Let me see what that means... {typing, then gasping} Uh, I don't think you're ready to hear what the Urban Dictionary says the word 'gouche' means. It's definitely not the same thing as 'gauche'. For starters, 'gouche' rhymes with 'douche', and that's the least offensive thing about it. By the way, I have been calling what they say 'gouche' means something else entirely for many, many years."

{typing on a keyboard} JEN: "Ok, now I gotta see this for myself."


We proceeded to laugh so hard that one of us almost passed out. The thought of her mother uttering the word 'gouche' (which to my knowledge she never has) instead of 'gauche', is too much hilarity to even express in words. I just want to take a second to tell you that the definition of this 'gouche' is not for the faint of heart, so don't say I didn't warn you if you decide to look it up yourself.

The conversation continues as we're both reading down the page:

ME: "Did you see the example sentence in that 2nd definition? I think that's my new favorite example sentence of all time, and not just because of the total disregard for spelling or punctuation. Obviously the word 'gouche' rises above any punctuation you would ever dare to put near it. It's like the superhero of words."

JEN: "That settles it, I'm keeping the 'o' in. Goooouche. It just feels right."



If you want to spend the evening with an 80's icon, as well as have the perfect take-home gift for everyone on your list, go no further than Billy Bob's Texas:

JEN: "I forgot to tell you that there is a group of 20 of us going to see Rick Springfield in a couple of weeks!"

ME: "I am so glad I didn't know far enough in advance to join you. I've seen him live so please understand that I'm the person you don't want to be next to at a Rick Springfield concert. I have two words for you: Jessie's Girl. As soon as I hear the opening notes of that song, I go batsh*t-crazy. You don't even want to see me when he gets to my favorite line; "She's lovin' him with that body, I just know it!".


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JEN: "Oh trust me, I might out-batsh*t-crazy you. I've never seen him in concert, so it's going to be insane. You should look up the venue website. You know how some bars have those mechanical bulls people can ride? Well, Billy Bob's Texas has actual live...."

ME: "Don't even tell me they have actual cowboys walking around that you can ride, because if that's the case, I'm leaving everything behind and moving to Texas right now. Tonight."

JEN: "Uh, no, I was going to say that they have live rodeo-style bull riding."

ME: "Same difference!"

{Both of us start singing, "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy"; which is the kind of unplanned synchronicity that our friendship was built on.}


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Somehow I end up looking at the online gift shop for Billy Bob's and come across "The Bullie", otherwise known as El Saco De Toro:

El Whato De Toro?

The description was So. Very. Descriptive., that I couldn't read the whole thing out loud without laughing; so I told Anastasia that she'd have to get back online immediately and read it for herself.

"You can be the proud owner of an original Saco De Toro "Bullie". An actual scrotum of the king of the range. It came from a proud, virile beast and at one time contained the seeds of life and the future of the herd. Bullies have weathered the heat of summers and the cold winds of winters. The scars and blemishes on the "Bullie" are indicative of the hardships endured by the beast. You can be assured that there are no two "Bullies" alike. They are as distinctive as fingerprints and come in different colors, sizes, shapes, and textures. Your "Bullie" will be unique, useful, conversational and expressive. From a planter to a golf ball holder its uses are limited only by your imagination!"

I don't have to tell you that she already has one on order, and that is no joke. At first she said she was going to give it to her husband for Valentine's Day (so romantic, especially when filled with candy kisses!) but about 2.5 seconds later we were coming up with all the things she could use it for, like the designated holder of keys, mail and small change; a safe place for sunglasses or a small beer cooler just to name a few. My favorite is the visual of the Bullie being used as her new purse. It would be a shame to keep that leather whip-stitching around the top to herself, she should show it off around town! When she did a search for it (comparison shopping, you know), she found one description that said it was the perfect mini-trash can! El Saco, indeed!


Nearly 2 hours of Billable Time later, we closed with this:

Me: "I am so exhausted from this conversation. Our friendship has basically been 2 decades of training for the laugh-riot that was this phone call, and yet it still wasn't enough preparation."

JEN: "I know, I feel like such a gouche."

ME: "How did we even get ON this subject?"

......



*For the record, I have a long and distinguished (alright, not so distinguished) history with the Urban Dictionary. My friend Shoni has sent me the actual Urban Dictionary books over the years, and I will often randomly flip through them because they are hilarious. In case you're wondering, my favorite Urban Dictionary definition of all time is for the word CRYMAX. I can't imagine a sentiment more poetic than that verb. Just having that word and it's meaning in my vocabulary makes me smile.