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Friday, January 25, 2008

The second most overused phrase in all our years of friendship: "How did we even get ON this subject?". You don't want to know what the first one is.

Last night Anastasia Beaverhausen (aka Jen) and I were on the phone, going over some things we're collaborating on. Other than the fact that during these calls, she's usually sitting on the John Deere lawn tractor in their garage, beer-in-hand (she lives in Texas, it's state law) and the fact that I'm usually lying in bed trying to keep warm under my down comforter, red wine-in-hand (naturally), we treat these conversations like teleconferenced business meetings. We get a lot done when we're in "Billable Time", or B.T.  Non-billable time involves a lot of short text messages to each other that end with, "Longr vrsion 2nite in B.T.".

Once in awhile during B.T., her husband will come out to her office the garage to get another beer and to tell us to quiet down because the kids are trying to sleep ask why she only laughs like that when we're on the phone find out when I'm coming back for a visit make us woozy with his impression of Barry White, which sounds just like this:

Double-click on the 'play' arrow if you have trouble with the imeem player.

The only difference being that her husband uses his own deep voice to recite the script from those Arby's commercials that Barry White did, the description of a sandwich pouring out of his mouth slow-like-molasses, our giddy reactions doing nothing but encouraging him to continue. That is, until he gets sick of hearing himself say, "Ohhh baby, Beeeeef and Cheddar. Molten hot cheddar cheese dripping down over thinly sliced beef, on a freshly baked bun. Beefffff and cheddarrrrr, it's what you want to eaaaattttt, baby..."

I say until HE gets sick of it, because we never will. I digress.

Some important points we went over last night in B.T. were...

Necessity really is the mother of invention:

JEN: "V. and her company will be at ShoWest with all of Hollywood again this year. Once she was even alone in an elevator with Ben Affleck. Wouldn't THAT be fun?"

ME: "I don't know, I get the feeling that Ben Affleck is the kind of guy who would definitely have something to say if you tried to seduce him in an elevator. He doesn't seem like the just-go-with-the-flow type that scenerio would require."

JEN: "Honey, that's what duct tape was invented for."

The internet is an important tool when you need the correct spelling, usage and definition of one of her mom's favorite words, (which for the record is pronounced GOH-SH):

JEN: "Is the word "Gauche" spelled with an 'a' or an 'o'?"

ME: "An 'a', and I know this because I looked it up earlier at Wait, there's a definition on * for 'Gouche' with an 'o'. Let me see what that means... {typing, then gasping} Uh, I don't think you're ready to hear what the Urban Dictionary says the word 'gouche' means. It's definitely not the same thing as 'gauche'. For starters, 'gouche' rhymes with 'douche', and that's the least offensive thing about it. By the way, I have been calling what they say 'gouche' means something else entirely for many, many years."

{typing on a keyboard} JEN: "Ok, now I gotta see this for myself."

We proceeded to laugh so hard that one of us almost passed out. The thought of her mother uttering the word 'gouche' (which to my knowledge she never has) instead of 'gauche', is too much hilarity to even express in words. I just want to take a second to tell you that the definition of this 'gouche' is not for the faint of heart, so don't say I didn't warn you if you decide to look it up yourself.

The conversation continues as we're both reading down the page:

ME: "Did you see the example sentence in that 2nd definition? I think that's my new favorite example sentence of all time, and not just because of the total disregard for spelling or punctuation. Obviously the word 'gouche' rises above any punctuation you would ever dare to put near it. It's like the superhero of words."

JEN: "That settles it, I'm keeping the 'o' in. Goooouche. It just feels right."

If you want to spend the evening with an 80's icon, as well as have the perfect take-home gift for everyone on your list, go no further than Billy Bob's Texas:

JEN: "I forgot to tell you that there is a group of 20 of us going to see Rick Springfield in a couple of weeks!"

ME: "I am so glad I didn't know far enough in advance to join you. I've seen him live so please understand that I'm the person you don't want to be next to at a Rick Springfield concert. I have two words for you: Jessie's Girl. As soon as I hear the opening notes of that song, I go batsh*t-crazy. You don't even want to see me when he gets to my favorite line; "She's lovin' him with that body, I just know it!".

Double-click on the 'play' arrow if you have trouble with the imeem player.

JEN: "Oh trust me, I might out-batsh*t-crazy you. I've never seen him in concert, so it's going to be insane. You should look up the venue website. You know how some bars have those mechanical bulls people can ride? Well, Billy Bob's Texas has actual live...."

ME: "Don't even tell me they have actual cowboys walking around that you can ride, because if that's the case, I'm leaving everything behind and moving to Texas right now. Tonight."

JEN: "Uh, no, I was going to say that they have live rodeo-style bull riding."

ME: "Same difference!"

{Both of us start singing, "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy"; which is the kind of unplanned synchronicity that our friendship was built on.}

Double-click on the 'play' arrow if you have trouble with the imeem player.

Somehow I end up looking at the online gift shop for Billy Bob's and come across "The Bullie", otherwise known as El Saco De Toro:

El Whato De Toro?

The description was So. Very. Descriptive., that I couldn't read the whole thing out loud without laughing; so I told Anastasia that she'd have to get back online immediately and read it for herself.

"You can be the proud owner of an original Saco De Toro "Bullie". An actual scrotum of the king of the range. It came from a proud, virile beast and at one time contained the seeds of life and the future of the herd. Bullies have weathered the heat of summers and the cold winds of winters. The scars and blemishes on the "Bullie" are indicative of the hardships endured by the beast. You can be assured that there are no two "Bullies" alike. They are as distinctive as fingerprints and come in different colors, sizes, shapes, and textures. Your "Bullie" will be unique, useful, conversational and expressive. From a planter to a golf ball holder its uses are limited only by your imagination!"

I don't have to tell you that she already has one on order, and that is no joke. At first she said she was going to give it to her husband for Valentine's Day (so romantic, especially when filled with candy kisses!) but about 2.5 seconds later we were coming up with all the things she could use it for, like the designated holder of keys, mail and small change; a safe place for sunglasses or a small beer cooler just to name a few. My favorite is the visual of the Bullie being used as her new purse. It would be a shame to keep that leather whip-stitching around the top to herself, she should show it off around town! When she did a search for it (comparison shopping, you know), she found one description that said it was the perfect mini-trash can! El Saco, indeed!

Nearly 2 hours of Billable Time later, we closed with this:

Me: "I am so exhausted from this conversation. Our friendship has basically been 2 decades of training for the laugh-riot that was this phone call, and yet it still wasn't enough preparation."

JEN: "I know, I feel like such a gouche."

ME: "How did we even get ON this subject?"


*For the record, I have a long and distinguished (alright, not so distinguished) history with the Urban Dictionary. My friend Shoni has sent me the actual Urban Dictionary books over the years, and I will often randomly flip through them because they are hilarious. In case you're wondering, my favorite Urban Dictionary definition of all time is for the word CRYMAX. I can't imagine a sentiment more poetic than that verb. Just having that word and it's meaning in my vocabulary makes me smile.


Jen said...

I've been waiting all day to see this very accurate description of our crazy call last night! As soon as my Saco de Toro arrives, I'm calling you! I know what someone's getting for her birthday!!! We'll have matching purses!

LA Blogger Gal said...

For the record, Rick Springfield puts on an awesome show. You can bring in cameras and he will go out into the audience (or at least he did a couple years back). That said, the concert was a birthday present for a friend and I doubt I'd ever have gone for myself.

Enjoy your new Saco de's just so sexy!

stacey said...

Why don't you two menage-a-twodd me when you do these things? Wait, I don't know if my bladder can handle it. Are you riding cowboys now? I think I hear the weeping of all the latino firefighters across the land . . .
Saw the Anastasia episode the other day and thought of you! Gouche is totally a word Jack and Karen would use - probably as they were discussing Rick Springfield's.

Taj said...

I had to go look up gouche! To think I've been calling it a "taint" for years! Which by the way is also a valid description of it in the Urban Dictionary.

I giggled my way through this entire post and then nodded my head in agreement at Stacey's Jack and Karen comment.

So much better than my doody bubble conversation...

Jules said...

@Jen/Anastasia: I was working on it all day, too! I look forward to your call alerting me that your Saco de Toro has arrived, and will assume that you'll be phoning from INSIDE OF IT. Oh yay, I can't wait for my birthday now! We'll be in Key West AND I'll be carrying around my very own Saco. All the drag queens will follow me around Duval Street like heifers in heat.

@LA Blogger Gal: I am so glad you weighed in on Rick Springfield live, because I have seen him twice & couldn't agree more. He may have gone one too far with the botox (or surgery, not sure which) but he still has it in him to shake the rafters, in that 80's way. He's no Saco de Toro, though.

@Stac"ey": We will have to do that but honestly, I don't think MY bladder could handle it either. If we got my future baby-daddy on the phone at the same time, too, well... it would just be all over. I would have to stop 10 minutes in just to re-hydrate. Don't you worry for one second about the latino firefighters across the globe, I will dry every single one of their tears. While riding a cowboy, if need be. Gouche IS a word Jack & Karen would use in a sentence when talking about Rick Springfield's secret places.

@Taj: Funny story about that "T" word. I was visiting really good friends (a married couple I go way back with) last month; and I said to the husband on my way out the door, "Just so you know, whenever I hear the word 'taint', I think of you." Which clearly did not come out how I meant it. Luckily, all of my friends have the same sense of humor. He knew that I think of him whenever I hear it because he actually uses that word in (very funny) conversation more than anyone in the history of the world, and I love that because it makes me laugh every. single. time. So, he was flattered, which makes him, as Bret Michaels would say, "AWESOME".

Jules said...

PS- did you look up my favorite Urban dictionary definition: "crymax"?

Taj said...

I totally knew what crymax was. I think anyone who has ever experienced it knows what that is! It's right up there with "the little death" for me.

I did google it just now to see if others use it in the same way and you will be proud to know that you come up third right after the Urban Dictionary!

Rob said...

she's usually sitting on the John Deere lawn tractor in their garage, beer-in-hand

My heart is all flutter! (well something else actually but for now lets stick with heart) Why, WHY is it that the good ones are always gay or married!

Jules said...

@Taj: You're right, it's another proud moment for me!

@Rob: I believe the question you bemoan is, "Why is that that the good ones are always Gayelle or married?"! Also, I just e-mailed you what could be the blanket of your dreams, which has nothing whatsoever to do with this particular post.

Sauntering Soul said...

Confession: the only concert I ever camped out to get tickets for was Rick Springfield back in the early 80's. We managed to get 5th row seats and it was totally worth sleeping on a cold sidewalk to get them.

Jules said...

@Sauntering: I LOVE THAT STORY! Between this one and the Xavier Roberts one.... we're practically living parallel lives. :)

Spammon said...

You can forget about duct tape with Affleck and just use animal crackers. It seems to be his weakness.

I always thought it was spelled "gooch". They must have added the french flavor to it (no pun intended). Did you not see the jackass when Knoxville put the electric shock stimulator on his gouche?

And figuring that the El Saco De Toro Loco is water tight, I would probably use it to eat my frosted flakes.

Jules said...

SPAMMOM (as you were accidentally referred to over at Melissa's; which cracked me up for probably longer than it really should have): I thought he came to the conclusion that they were animal COOKIES, not crackers because he didn't see a need for cheese, which is ironic b/c that is the one of the cheesiest movie scenes ever; though I know you must love that movie b/c Buscemi is in it and he's a F'n genius. I wouldn't trust the spelling or grammar over at Urban Dictionary, so you could very well be correct on the spelling. I am sorry to say that I missed that particular episode of Jackass, which means that I have seen all but that one. I never thought of the Saco as a cereal bowl, but am disappointed that you didn't specify you'd be eating the more appropriate Grapenuts™.

Rob said...

you'd be eating the more appropriate Grapenuts™.

I stand so humbled in the shadow of your greatness!

Spammon said...

Grapenuts! Pure genius! Now if we could only find some of Chef's Chocolate Salty Balls we'd have a killer candy dish.

Jules said...

@Rob & Spammon: Thanks, men!
BTW, the recipe for chocolate salty balls is right there, maybe you could whip up a batch? I'll be over here with Alec Baldwin making some of his famous Schweddy Balls, .