Since early November I've written 2 separate drafts about one of the best nights of my life, and have gone back to both numerous times to edit, add and tweak. Countless times. None of those behind-the-scenes efforts have been good enough to capture what it was like for me-- the magnitude of it all-- and I didn't want to publish something that was in any way less than what that night deserved. Because of that, they have both remained in draft form. I wanted it to be perfect, to give that night and the person responsible for it proper due. I thought in finding my words though finger taps on a keyboard, I'd be able to express my feelings in a letter or post-event conversation with the friend who made it all happen.
I've failed on such an epic level that there aren't graphs capable of representing it accurately.
I've apologized personally and now I'm apologizing publicly, with the sincere hopes that I'm not doing further damage. I realize in holding back on showing my gratitude (most importantly in real life, but also online) until I was able to find the exact words to describe what is STILL an indescribable night is a losing battle I'll never win. Trying to express something that defies expression is, by definition, futile. I should've understood that sooner.
I'm going to abandon those 2 drafts and post photos from that night instead.
Just imagine how you'd feel if you were the most excited you've ever felt about anything, thinking you could quite possibly be having either a heart attack or an out of body experience. Or both. Then triple that excitement. Then, double that triple. Got it? Now, hold onto that adrenaline for 3 hours straight from the 4th row in your favorite city in the world while sitting next to your favorite people in the world, and you'll feel a fraction of what I was feeling the evening of November 7, 2008.
Speed-the-Plow on Broadway, starring my husband Jeremy Piven
In an interview in The Chicago Tribune writer David Mamet explained the title as follows: "I remembered the saying that you see on a lot of old plates and mugs: 'Industry produces wealth, God speed the plow.' This, I knew, was a play about work and about the end of the world, so 'Speed-the-Plow' was perfect because not only did it mean work, it meant having to plow under and start over again."
If you take the polar opposite of all that indescribable emotion and heightened adrenaline, you'll understand how sorry I am that I didn't say any of this sooner than yesterday, directly to the person I should've said it to.
I still don't think I got it right, and there aren't words to accurately describe the depths of those feelings either. I could try to pull the perfect mea culpa out of myself for another six weeks, but I like to think I can learn from my mistakes:
I'm so sorry D, and thank you for everything. All of it, from the day we met in 1996.
I'll be back with a new post soon. I've been busy nursing Jeremy back to health. "Both-hands-full" if you know what I'm sayin', and I think you do. In the meantime, here's a little something to hold you over.
***
My sister just wrote about a crazy (or "cruis-azy") shared experience with someone famous, back in his days of uber-coolness. The only thing she forgot to mention is the part about standing in line and discussing what we could be in for:
Her:"How cool would it be if we got to see Mission Impossible 2?"
Me:"Mission Impossible 2 opens in a couple of weeks! Why would they bother with a test screening so close to the actual release date?"
The most frequently asked question I've gotten whenever I tell that story is, "How short IS he?". Since we were a mere few feet away from him, my answer to that question has always been and will always be (regardless of how he comes off these days), "Tom Cruise is the perfect height for hugging", and then I pretend someone has me in a comfortable bear hug. Of course the someone I always picture in that moment is anyone but Tom Cruise.
It figures the day you & your co-workers decide to dress up like the Village People is the very same day Prince Harry drops in for a once-in-a-lifetime visit to your office:
Hoping to warm my shivering self, I took a shower so hot there was no discernable temperature change when Javier Bardem got in & joined me.
Being this cold, even w/ a heater 5 feet from me can't be healthy. WHY DO I LIVE HERE?! Remembering how hot I was in Key West isn't helping.
Under blankets on my couch. Wool socks, hoodie + space heater in use. Leaving in 10 minutes for the day. Wonder if it's warmer outside.
It's not. And...AND I spent 15 minutes clearing snow off my car. Snow that we weren't supposed to get til tomorrow. I need to move to Key West.
The 1st time I've been warm in the past week: Shopping nearby, a 72-year old man refers to his wife as, "My sweetheart of 51 years". Awww!
""Rock of Love Bus" AKA "Herpes on Wheels" is starting up soon, and yes I'll totally be tuning in. "HEY-OHH! Cast member Samantha=Sally O'Malley, because she likes to kick, punch and KIIIIICK!
I need a butler. Or an assistant. And maybe to suddenly & without warning become independently wealthy. You know, the simple things.
You know what's awesome? Spilling a large hot chocolate all over your carpet shortly after spilling a glass of wine all over your couch. Tonight, I fail at beverages.
Oh MAN! Just missed a call from Dial-A-Stranger! Totally bummed b/c I love their podcast. Hope they try again.
Should be washing dishes but life is short. Lit some nag champa, poured wine & watching old fave The Big Lebowski. Like The Dude, I abide.
Brian Austin Green is about to be on Jimmy Kimmel. What year is this, 1991?
My apologies to you, Brian Austin Green. You may be wearing an old man sweater, but hot damn, other than that you're looking pretty good.
Oh Brian Austin Green, you just extinguished the fire of your hotness by admitting you have a ferret. Way to rain on my boner party.
I just wrote something in the comments at Suburban Bliss, and thought you'd get a better understanding of who I am in real life by reading it for yourself. So, I tweaked it a bit to make the following blog post out of it. Why didn't I think to do this kind of thing during NaBloPoMo? Sadly, there's more awkward interaction stories where this came from. Maybe it'll be a running theme, sharing my most uncomfortable moments. Feel free to share yours here in the comments.
There should be an award for awkward interactions, and I say that because I have earned a shelf-full of these as yet non-existent gold statues.
Like the time I was working as a consultant (freelance, but on-site) graphic designer and the project manager was HOT in that tall, athletic, handsome, and built to win Darwin's survival of the fittest kind of ways. You know, if you're into that. He was also really friendly, which made it even easier to spend many hours thinking of all the terribly inappropriate things that could happen between two people in an office situation. BAD ME!
One day the firm closed early because there was a major, shut-down-the-roadways snowstorm. I had only been at the design firm for 3 weeks of my 3 month stint, and just before everyone left, a bunch of us were looking out the huge picture window to see how the traffic was. The drool-worthy project manager was walking in the room as a few of us were walking out, and had his arms outstretched.
I failed to notice that he was doing some kind of stretching thing until the millisecond AFTER I went in for a big hug.
Luckily he was totally cool and busted my chops about it all the way out to the parking lot. After I pulled away in my car, I alternated between laughing and crying for the next 3 hours as I was stuck in traffic.
This particular blog post is not only in celebration of my completing 30 posts in 30 days for NaBloPoMo, but it's also important for those who care about winning the next World Series of Pop Culture, like I do. I'm always in training, you know.
I'll ease you into this uncomfortable-for-some-people subject, by sharing this delightful tweet exchange with Taj back in April:
Earlier this week I drove by it again, so I took a photo as evidence:
Best salon name ever.
Everytime you think about MAHBOOBs today, I hope you remember to tune in and watch Britney Spears: For the Record on MTV tonight. Just in case you're rooting for her with your hands partially covering your eyes like MAHBOOBs and I are.
These are the kinds of things you've missed over the past 10 hours if you aren't already following me on Twitter:
I totally cracked MYSELF up with that last one about my neighbor... it's funny because it's true. I mean, it's true that I want to say that, but not true that I had bags full of condoms & lube. Still, it's all I can do to stop myself from blurting that kind of thing out.
After than, here are some related links to check out:
1) The best version of NIN's Closer (live-in-concert) that I've ever seen/heard! Warning: lyrics NSFW... as if you didn't already know, you saucy little minx.
2) The more-adorable-than-koala-bears Kristin Chenoweth on Jimmy Kimmel.
3) A couple of paragraphs on my neighbor and his cat are here.
When I was 11, we took a road trip to visit old friends of the family for Thanksgiving. So many moments from that holiday weekend are permanently etched into my brain that I could write a book, or at least a short story. For now, though, there's this:
We were in a huge house with an extended family of people we referred to as our aunts, uncles and cousins even though they weren't blood relatives, and it was a blast. One night before dinner, all the kids (ages ranging from 11-19) were seated around the huge table laughing and carrying on. I specifically remember one of the older boys asking me about my boyfriend KC, whose picture I had just pulled out of the vinyl photo holder in my velcro wallet.
Just then, a mustachioed uncle cut through the dining room to get to the kitchen. Red-nosed and tipsy from wine, he tripped over our mascot, the family's golden retriever. As he bent down to see if the dog was okay, he said with slurred words and glassy eyes, "You have to really be sorry when apologizing to a dog, otherwise they know you're faking it. You reaaaaallly have to make some sweet love* to the dog. Or they'll know. That you're... hey, why are you all giggling?"
When I read this New Yorker column back in 2007, I was transported back to that night... in the very best way:
THE WISDOM OF CHILDREN, by Simon Rich A Conversation at the Grownup Table, as Imagined at the Kids’ Table
MOM: Pass the wine, please. I want to become crazy.
DAD: O.K.
GRANDMOTHER: Did you see the politics? It made me angry.
DAD: Me, too. When it was over, I had sex.
UNCLE: I’m having sex right now.
DAD: We all are.
MOM: Let’s talk about which kid I like the best.
DAD:(laughing) You know, but you won’t tell.
MOM: If they ask me again, I might tell.
FRIEND FROM WORK: Hey, guess what! My voice is pretty loud!
DAD:(laughing) There are actual monsters in the world, but when my kids ask I pretend like there aren’t.
MOM: I’m angry! I’m angry all of a sudden!
DAD: I’m angry, too! We’re angry at each other!
MOM: Now everything is fine.
DAD: We just saw the PG-13 movie. It was so good.
MOM: There was a big sex.
FRIEND FROM WORK: I am the loudest! I am the loudest!
(Everybody laughs.)
MOM: I had a lot of wine, and now I’m crazy!
GRANDFATHER: Hey, do you guys know what God looks like?
ALL: Yes.
GRANDFATHER: Don’t tell the kids.
Happy Thanksgiving!
*Of course he didn't mean it like THAT, but we were a group of kids, and it was funny. In all honesty, I probably haven't matured one bit in the humor department since that night.
At first glance, I thought this was an ad for Madonna's latest live-in-concert DVD:
Because it very-much-reminded me of this April 2008 photo shoot she did for Interview Magazine :
Then I did a double take and realized it was actually an ad for The Wrestler, starring Mickey Rourke:
Though he may be guilty of entirely too much plastic surgery, the man is still very much a dude. Madonna, who may be guilty of entirely too many arm curls, is still very much Madonna.
Back in October, my girls & I saw "Tina Turner" (and plenty of other "female" stars) perform at the fabulous 801 Bourbon Bar & Cabaret in Key West, Florida. Fact: It's impossible to be cranky at at drag show. I write this not because I was cranky... I was on vacation in one of the most beautiful and fun places our country has to offer, so that would have been stupid. I'm just sayin' that every single person in the place was super-friendly and having a great time.
Then, the very night I came back from Key West, my sister picked me up at the airport and so we could go straight to see Tina Turner in concert here in Chicago. The day they went on sale, earlier in the year, I scored us 17th row seats and It. Was. Awesome. I made fast friends with Louis, who sat in front of us and took these photos (and many more that he was cool enough to share) of the entire show. If you're cranky in the 17th row of a Tina Turner concert, you need to get some professional help. The woman is in her 70's and still tearing the roof off the mothertrucker. Seriously, she is truly unbelievable to witness live. Our parents took us to see her back in the 80's and it made an impression on me that I still feel to this day. Her stage show back then was good, but the one on this tour, said to be her last, was like nothing I've ever seen. We were blown away!
We had a little too much fun staying in and keeping it low-key this weekend. The tone was set late Friday night. We had just enough wine to stumble upon and actually sit through the Academy Award-winning film, You Got Served*. What's that? It didn't win an Oscar? Well, it SHOULD have, let me tell you. It's only a slight overstatement to say that we've never laughed so loud in all our lives.
Wait, it wasn't a comedy?
Oh.
You (Had to Get) Got Served (to watch this movie)
*In case you don't already know this, the slang meaning of "You Got Served" is to teach someone a lesson. This is what the movie title suggests, except that it's in the context of teaching someone a lesson by beating them in a dance-off. __
Saturday night we made a delicious dinner, lit some candles and braved Tristan and Isolde, a movie Netflix recommended based on my previous 4-star rating of 300. It was MUCH better than our Friday late night flick, though I did notice similarities in the plot lines. During one of the battle scenes between the English & the Irish I blurted out,
"If they just added some club music to this scene and the warriors had a hulking, 5th century style dance-off instead of all this violence, they could have easily called the movie, "YE Got Served".
Then we laughed so hard, and for so long, that it was difficult to take the rest of this beautifully shot movie seriously. It was still funny to us in the morning, so I decided to put a little something together in Photoshop, using a Tristan & Isolde cast picture:
I'm a pepper, she's a pepper, he's...an old rock star named Axl. You remember him, right?
One of the greatest days over the summer was when a Chicago radio station played Appetite for Destruction and Use Your Illusion I & II in their entireties, and I still knew every song by heart. I'm not sure my bosses were impressed, but it sure made for a fun workday. Nothing quite like singing along under my breath to "You're Crazy" with a client standing by your desk.
When GNR was first blowing up, my friends & I loved them so much that we created a girl group called Revolvers n' Pansies that went on to win (by a landslide, for reals) the school talent show by lip-syncing to Welcome to the Jungle and Paradise City. I had long-ish hair and a huge perm back then, so I flipped all my hair over my face and put a big black top hat on over it, which in instantly made me Slash with a rack.
I'd share a photo of that night with you, but the only one I have is in the yearbook, and someone was thoughtful enough--while off in a darkened corner somewhere-- to draw a big fat joint coming out of my mouth with a few squiggly lines made to look like smoke. I'm pretty sure it was the same guy (whose name I won't mention because I'm a lady... stop laughing!) that decided to draw happy little sperm (should that have an 's' on the end, or is sperm already plural? It is, right? Oh, please don't let my parents or any of their friends read this entry; their daughter is too lazy to google the word sperm and confirm her suspicion that it doesn't need an 's' on the end. A shining moment!) all around the edges of the football team photo page. For the record, I never once made out with that guy. Ahhh, high school. Good times!
The other thing about the photo is that I blinked when the photographer's flash went off, so it's not that great. Now that I really think about it though, the closed eyes and big smile lends some credibility to the hand-drawn giggle stick hanging from my lips. I digress.
Where was I? Oh yes, GNR. So, after eleventy-hundred rumors and one-too-many face tugs, Axl Rose is releasing his 13-year in the works album, Chinese Democracy. Of course it has been a joke throughout all these years, with announcements on the regular that it would come out soon... very soon! Okay, not that soon. A little bit longer. Maybe a handful of years. Alright then, a decade has gone by, what's the rush?
Earlier this year, Dr. Pepper issued a challenge (chall-LUNGE!) to Axl & company. If GNR released the album before 2009, the soda conglomerate would give everyone in America one free Dr. Pepper.
Bill Cosby & Sandman Simms; the greatest CHALL-UNGE in pop culture history.
Turns out ole' Axl still has enough energy to stick it to the man, and tomorrow is the big album release day! Whether or not you're going to buy it, you can still get a free Dr. Pepper. They'll even give you one without drawing obscene pictures all over your face while you're not looking. As far as I'm concerned, it's your lucky day, but you only have 24 hours. It's a CHALL-UNGE! Axl was up for it, are you?
Dr. Pepper is ready to give out free soda coupons to every American when the album releases on Nov. 23, 2008. If you're out to get a free Dr Pepper just follow these simple steps:
2. Register your information to receive a coupon for one free 20-oz. Dr Pepper.
3. When your coupon arrives, redeem it wherever Dr. Pepper is sold.
Coupons will be available for 24 hours, starting at 12:01 a.m. Eastern Time on Nov. 23, 2008. Allow 4-6 weeks for coupon to arrive. Coupons will expire on Feb. 28, 2009. Limit one coupon per person. Full terms and conditions available at www.drpepper.com!
A few months back I wrote a post that I'm quoting in part here:
I've already written about how my job has involved many pitch meetings for different products, and that I probably pay attention to commercials, slogans, and advertising in general more than the average person does. I think about what goes into a pitch meeting, and how I'm sure some advertising agencies must be amazed when a client goes with (and pays big money for) some half-baked or unintentionally hilarious idea. The following product slogan fits right into the "How did the marketing department get away with that?" category. This is the perfect example of a commercial that a roomful of men must have scripted:
Double-click on either 'play' arrow if you have trouble with the video
We started with a simple almond. Added pecans, peanuts and a hint of sweetness. The result? An extraordinary nutsnack.
That nutsnack line in the commercial got a ton of internet buzz, and shortly thereafter I was saddened to see that they changed the commercial to simply end with "...an extraordinary SNACK". They took all the joy out of that ad for me. Oh well. In the meantime, I had already e-mailed the True North company to request free product samples for reviewing purposes. They e-mailed back that they don't do samples, BUT that they'd send me some coupons to use. Those True North people are on top of things because I got 3 coupons less than a week later, along with a very nice letter. I loved them already.
Since it seems I'm easily seduced by letters from the people who created the supposed extraordinary nutsnacks, I knew I would need someone else to do the actual product review for me. It would have to be someone honest because at the end of the day I'm trying to find out if True North has in fact made an extraordinary nutsnack or not. Extraordinary isn't a descriptor to just toss about casually, especially when referring to nuts, of all things, and I wanted to make sure, in the name of science, that they weren't trying to deceive people by using fancy ten dollar words to promote NUTS. Besides the reviewer being an honest person, they'd have to be game for documenting the experience. I suppose not being allergic to nuts is another important quality for the reviewer to have, but I figured if they were allergic to nuts they'd bring it up before getting started, or they'd ask me to also provide an EpiPen, which I was okay with. This is serious business! Sometimes you just have to swallow (pun intended) your fear of anaphylactic shock and eat some nuts!
It took me all of 2 seconds to think of the right guy for the job. A few months back, he got really pissed that he hadn't ever won any of the House of Jules giveaways, the breaking point being when he didn't win a keychain I bought at the George Michael concert... AND HE'S A STRAIGHT DUDE. Clearly, that's the guy for the job... and "that guy" is Spammon!
The first thing I had to do was decide which kind of True North nutsnacks to use the coupons on. There's a lot of True North nutsnack variety on the store shelves, so this took longer than I thought it would. Here are the ones I bought:
True North Nutsnacks
Then I had to decide which to send to Spam & his extraordinary Fam. I was already mentally exhausted from all the time I spent in the nutsnack aisle of the store, so I decided to avoid making any additional decisions for the rest of the day.
This led me to do a "Blind Nutsnack Grab", which is:
A) What tipsy ladies (ahem) have been known to do at parties.
B) Kind of like bobbing for apples except there isn't any water involved, or apples for that matter.
C) None of the above, and even though you're intrigued with choice B, you really hope it's choice A.
If you picked choice B, you're right! Technically, choices A and C aren't wrong, either... but neither apply to this particular post.
Anyway, I closed my eyes and the one I grabbed from the store's plastic bag first is the one I sent. As a joke, I also sent along a .99 bag 'o nuts from Walgreens that looked pretty gross. Even though I made it clear I didn't expect him to try that one, HE DID ANYWAY, and in doing so solidified himself as "The Official House of Jules Reviewer of All Things I Get Manufacturer Coupons For" from here on out.
Without further ado, I give the proverbial floor to Mr. Daily Rebuttal himself:
True North Pecan Almond Peanut Clusters (TNPAPC) vs. Walgreens Premium Mixed Nuts (WPMN) Review Face-Off!
A quick background to the review on the TNPAPC’s. I’ve broken the review into a two different areas: Presentation and Performance. Since I was given 2 different products, this review also turned into a face-off. Each product will have the chance to win 5 stars for each review.
PRESENTATION! It's on like Donkey Kong!
WPMN: My first impression of the WPMN’s is that the packaging was clear. This let me see exactly what I was going to eat, which is a definite plus if these snacks are going into my mouth. I don’t want surprises when it comes to this. The nuts-- a mix of almonds, pistachios and cashews-- weren’t unpleasant. That said, they also weren’t spectacular. I also got a good glimpse of the price. $.99 is branded on the top right, and that turns me off. I prefer not to have an unremovable price on something. If I decided to use these as stocking stuffers, I wouldn't want anyone thinking I’m too cheap to join the party. Also, it has Walgreens printed on it. What does this say? It says I went to go get my prescription for athletes foot and saw a package of mixed nuts hanging on the counter. This packaging definitely says I’m eating these myself because they are not fit for gifting, and that's why they only got 2 stars.
TNPAPC: Although the True North packaging lacks a window, they have a pleasing picture with a cluster of nuts seemingly bursting with nutty flavor on the front. You don’t have to have a lot of busyness to make something look desirable. True North has accomplished this with clean packaging design, and that works for me. Another big plus is that the package is resealable. I don’t risk my snacks getting stale and I will be able to enjoy these for the next few months. I give TNPAPC’s packaging 4 stars. I couldn’t award it 5 because although it’s nice, it didn’t make my jaw drop.
--
PERFORMANCE! WPNM vs. TNPAPC
WPMN average performance score:1/2
Porter says... Porter enjoyed the nuts and went for seconds.
Linds says... “If it were on day when I ate bad and needed something light with no guilt, I would go for the WPMN’s. The flavor was bland but not terrible.”
Spammon says... "The nuts were extremely bland. I feel these needed salt or something to bring out the flavor. In fact, they didn’t even have a full natural flavor about them. But on the flip side, at least they didn’t taste like feet."
--
TNPAPC average performance score: 1/2
Porter says... Porter enjoyed the nuts and went for seconds.
Linds says... “I thought it was just the right balance of salty and sweet. It wasn’t overly sweet that I got a tooth ache, but not too salty where I needed a gallon of water. I couldn’t give it a 5 because the peanuts were a little too dominant. But then again, I’m not a peanut person.”
Spammon says... “After looking at the package and the picture for the last few weeks, I was expecting something similar to Poppycock. Instead, I was hit with an extraordinary flavor. It’s sort of sweet, yet sort of salty. There was a bit of a letdown because I was expecting that Poppycock/caramel flavor, but that disappointment was gone in seconds with the True North extraordinary taste. I was also very pleased that it wasn’t hard like peanut brittle, because the picture made me think I could break my teeth if I wasn't careful. Instead, it was easy on the teeth and smooth on the way down. I was also very happy that they weren’t extremely sticky, so I could avoid washing my hands every 2 minutes. I give them 4 stars. I didn’t go the full 5-star rating because although I was very satisfied with the taste, it didn’t launch my taste buds out of the roof of my mouth.”
To recap, the True North Pecan Almond Peanut Clusters were great. They are a fun snack and very tasty. I might even say they could be poured in milk and enjoyed for breakfast. I would probably call it Grape Nuts on Steroids. Although they won’t replace my favorite snack (sunflower seeds), I could definitely see myself buying these in the future and trying some other flavors. If you haven’t tried them yet, they are worth your time and money. So if you haven’t got anything going on tonight, grab your significant other, a movie, some licorice and skip the popcorn, because it just might be an extraordinary nutsnack night.
Many thanks to Spammon, Linds & that 5-star palate of the adorable Porter for such a thorough nutsnack review! You guys are the B.O.M.B.!
I'm not REALLY engaged to Jeremy Piven, as my profile photo would suggest. It's photoshop, people... but do me a favor and play along, will you? Thanks.
