Newton's Third Law of Motion

When you're behind a senior citizen who is fumbling through the motion of sliding her card through that payment machine at the register (due to a combination of painful-looking arthritic hands and the fact that she's from a different era, before slick technology took over everything), let me suggest that you conserve your energy.

Rolling your eyes, tapping your big black boots, sighing heavily, or going so far as to say, "C'mon! hurry up, lady!" under your breath--but loud enough for those of us behind you in line to hear--because she's not moving fast enough for you is either totally lost on the old person you're annoyed with or will make her even more nerve-wracked.

Be as irritated as you damn well please, but you best KEEP IT ON THE INSIDE because as you've just experienced-- if I'm around and you're acting like that-- I will step to you and you won't like it*.

Chances are that one day, you will be old and judging by your attitude, really lonely. BE A LITTLE BIT HUMAN.

If you can't handle that, tough guy, order your Arizona Iced Tea** online.

*Or maybe he did like it, because he actually apologized to her.

**For the record: I like Arizona Iced Tea. What I don't like are assholes.

****

Let me guess...

Is it the MONEY TREE?

A card for every occasion, except the obvious (and awkward), "See you after rehab!"

If the O.P.P. 3-ring binder wasn't for you, maybe this will get you to your local Target, STAT! Are you mentally prepared for this? David Hasselhoff has his own line of greeting cards:


I have no doubt that like Hasselhoff, his cards are big in Germany, too.


There's rock-climbing Hasselhoff, Baywatch Hasselhoff, 8x10 Glossy Hasselhoff and even suited-up for a night on the town Hasselhoff. All of them under the category of "Funny Birthday". Who knew?


"Funny Anytime" is right!

I thought the real video of a drunken Hasselhoff eating a burger on the floor was too sad, but this one? Wow. I wish I could tell you that I didn't find this one funny... but I did*. It's a puppet as drunken Hasselhoff, set to the audio of the original video. Let me be clear on what I find funniest about this whole thing: someone made a HASSELHOFF PUPPET, and that alone is hilarious. 

What really did me in is at 1:13, when he snorts:


Double-click on either 'play' arrow if you have trouble with the video.

*Obviously, alcoholism isn't funny. If this post offends you in any way, it wasn't my intention. Honestly, if my goal was to make you angry about the world we live in, I could have easily embedded either of his "Hooked on a Feelin'" or "Limbo Dance" music videos.

But not until AFTER all that sex & chocolate!

Teri Hatcher, Teri Hatcher... this is some really great advice for your 10-year-old! You've obviously put in a full day, sweetie, so why don't you settle in for a little nap and store some of that energy for tomorrow?!

A good excuse to work "I'm here to PUMP (clap) YOU UP!" into your next conversation

I know posts have been kind of lacking around here lately, but I've been busy. Not busy in the patronizing way, as if to say snootily and with a feigned Madonna-British accent, "I'm much too busy for this sort of trivial internette task", but busy in the way that I've had things going on away from home and computer, or busy in the way that my head has been consumed with thoughts and conversations I can't put on blast because several people would kill me so hard that I'd die the death. You know, that kind of busy.

It's not just that I've been social butterfly-flitting around even more than usual, but it doesn't help that I have 4 posts in the works--none of which are finished yet. If you want to know how successful that can be, it's exactly like reading 4 books concurrently; it takes much longer to get to the end of each of them, and it's all you can do not to chuck them all out the proverbial window and do a happy dance. My plan is to get some of that frustration out in other ways (HEY-OH!) so I can wrap a couple of them up in time for your enjoyment next week.

Until then, I have the following gem for you. First, you should know that I couldn't care less about Katherine Heigl's career but that's mostly because I think she's a total douche. I know everyone doesn't feel that way (sorry, Swishy!) but I say RELEASE THE HOUNDS, and by "hounds", I mean Heigl from her torturous contract at Grey's Anatomy, a contract that I assume isn't paying her enough to support her smoking habit. Oooh, burn!

Also, I haven't watched GA since the end of the first season... technically I watched the entire first season and the first episode of the 2nd season, but I could just smell the suck factor so I dropped it like a bad habit. It sounds more harsh than it was but life is too short to sit through TV shows that aren't doing it for me. I don't have DVR, so I sit through commercials. Which means I don't take my TV shows lightly. Commercials=commitment. Besides, if someday I feel the need to revisit a show, I'll just get the DVDs from Netflix. What did I ever do without Netflix?

Where was I? Oh yes, Katherine Heigl. Whether you like her or not, this headline is enjoyable on a level that doesn't even relate to the future of her character on the show, because when I read it, I heard California's Governor in my head:



Double-click either "play" arrow if you have trouble with the video:

"It's NOT a tuma! It's not a tuma... at all!"


Enjoy a tuma-free weekend!

Either he and I have the same taste in men or he just has a death wish. You decide.

I'm officially at war with Josh Brolin.

Back in January, I wrote my first and what I thought would be my last open letter to him, which, if you just aren't up to clicking on that "open letter to him" hotlink, looked like this:


Click photo to enlarge. Click hotlink above to enjoy funny reader comments. Click on Brolin's face with your fist if you see him in public (he's definitely asking for it, as you'll soon see).


Re-armed with that information, it will come as no surprise to you that my head nearly imploded when I was doing my Humpday "research" last month and came across these photos from Oscar night:


In No Country for Old Men, Josh Brolin's character Llewelyn Moss tells his wife he is "fixin' to do something dumber than hell". Dumber than hell is right! Nobody gets to hold Javier against a wall with their body besides me. (Javier may be smiling, but it's only because he knows I'm digging in my pocket for a quarter. This will only make sense to you if you've seen No Country for Old Men, or if you click on the hotlink in the next photo caption.)



"What's the most you ever lost in a coin toss, friendo?"

+++++

On to more pleasant news! Approximately 2.4 seconds after I put up the Humpday post last week, I got this email:

Hi! I found a spanish copy of Jamon Jamon. Here is the link...

If you have no idea what Jamon Jamon is, please refer to last Wednesday's post, in which I suggest that although the title directly translates to "Ham Ham", by the looks of the adults-only trailer it should be called "Pork Pork". It's the very JB movie I had been unable to Netflix (because as of now it isn't even available), and the very movie I said I was making my mission to see, even if I had to buy it! Ask and ye shall receive Bardem, which I'm pretty certain is a phrase straight out of the Bible.

Our communication continued like this:

You are ON TOP OF THINGS like nobody else, sister. Who are you, where did you come from, how did you find my blog and are you okay with being my new favorite person?

Your show of generosity in emailing that movie link will put a skip in my step today, so thank you!
-Jules


Jules,
I'm Cristina, and am reading you from as far as Portugal. I'm a Javi fan, and that should say it all. I found your blog through Javi and Google Alerts; and your promise awhile back to make a hump post about him. I had to add you to my RSS feed.

"...and are you okay with being my new favorite person?": Totally!
-Cris

So, there you have it, internet. To my new favorite person in Portugal, I say: OBRIGADA, CRIS! Now let's go kick some Brolin ass!

High cheekbones & heavy brow ridges= very high levels of testosterone AND douchebaggery.

Let me just say a couple of things before I go back to banging my head against a brick wall and repeatedly yelling, "I call bullsh*t!".

You all know I love men, right? If you know me personally or if you've been reading this blog for oh, say, more than a minute you are aware of that already. I am a the president of the Man Fan Club, believe me. I even write a special one-Wednesday-per-month, "Putting the Hump in Humpday" post; which is really just a good excuse to extoll the greatness of men, shining a positive light on the opposite sex, and having a lot of fun while doing it. I. Love. Men.

What I don't love are idiots... of either gender.

Men AND women are capable of cheating. I have friends who have been on both the receiving and giving ends of it. I have never been a cheater but I was cheated on, and it wasn't a pleasant experience. Thankfully, I only had to disentangle myself from a boyfriend and not a marriage with all the complexities that entails.

Earlier this week at work, we talked about Dr. Laura's appearance rounding out a Today Show panel-of-three "experts" that also included a psychologist and an anthropologist weighing in on the Eliot Spitzer scandal. I assume Dr. Laura was on this panel because she is a cheater so she knows of what she speaks, and she hates herself enough to dive face-first into a firestorm of her own hypocrisy.

I didn't see it myself but got THIS LINK to a clip that gave me an entirely new litany of reasons to run this woman idiot over with a car. Not that I'm a violent person. I'm not. Hearing anything come out of her mouth seems to make me crazy, though, so I blame my need to write this post on temporary insanity.

Here is the cliff notes version of the video link, in case you, for whatever reason, can't see/hear it:

The psychologist: "Two wrongs don't make a right."

The anthropologist: "All you have to do is look at him and he's got very high cheekbones and very heavy brow ridges and those are signs of extremely high testosterone. We know he's very aggressive and he's also very sexual."

The woman who, if I ever meet in a dark alley, I plan on punching in the face (Dr. Laura): "Men do need validation. When they come into the world they're born of a woman. Getting the validation from mommy is the beginning of needing it from a woman. When the wife does not focus in on the needs and the feelings sexually, personally, to make him feel like a man, to make him feel like a success, to make him feel like our hero, he's very susceptible to the charm of some other woman making him feel what he needs. These days, women don't spend a lot of time thinking about how they can give their men what they need...the cheating was his decision to repair what's damaged, and to feed himself where he's starving. I hold women accountable for tossing out perfectly good men by not treating them with the love and kindness and respect and attention they need."

I just keep reminding myself that she's a cartoon character, and a total joke. Nobody takes her seriously. Except, possibly, people who are cheaters and heard her on The Today Show. Just getting this off my chest is making me feel better already. Almost as good as, say, a "perfectly good man" must feel when he's not being "tossed out".


My last 2 points on this subject:

* Was Dr. Phil too busy issuing statements to be on this Today Show panel?

* For $1,000 an hour (The low-end of The Emporer's Club hourly rate), I think men would have no problem getting their actual wives to "validate" them ALL. DAY. LONG.

Speaking of irresponsible wastes...

Until I read the caption that the initials of her new publicity ploy boyfriend are B.M., I thought the letters on this hot mess' new ring stood for something else entirely.

I'm sure I wasn't alone in this line of thinking.

---

In other news having nothing whatsoever to do with being irresponsible or any version of the word 'waste', I'd like to direct you to my latest Twitter update (see the right column or click HERE to read more) regarding the antics from last night/early this morning:

"There's no way to explain how 4 a.m. found us singing Samantha Fox's "Naughty Girls Need Love Too", the "Ghostbusters" Theme, and Wham songs."

If anyone has guesses as to what came before or even what inspired said sing-a-longs, please leave them all in the comments. I can't wait to see if any of you can help piece it all back together, since we cannot, for the life of us, figure out how we ended up belting out classic tunes of such high caliber.

***We were NOT even karaoke-ing, so that doesn't explain it.***

I did, however, impress (or was it sadden? It was hard to tell.) with my total recall of Every. Single. Lyric. of all 3 songs (Samantha Fox's "Naughty Girls Need Love, Too; The Ghostbusters Theme; and the incredible "Battlestations", by Wham!). If you didn't already know, "Battlestations" is my favorite Wham! song, which frankly is like asking a mother to choose which child she loves the best.

If you know the song or clicked on the hotlink to read the lyrics, this should tell you a lot about me, being that I chose it over their phenomenal tunes, "Wake me up before you go-go" and especially "Careless Whisper"; a song full of profound lyrics... like, "I'm never gonna dance again. Guilty feet have got no rhythm".

Brides-To-Be everywhere declare USDA "Bachelorette Party Enemy #1"

You're not going to believe this, but I'm not a fan of male strip clubs (seriously, I'm really not); however, I was still shocked to see this story on CNN.com:


The bad news is that apparently the USDA has jurisdiction over beefcake. The good news is I won't need so many dollar bills at the next bachelorette party I attend!


Just kidding, I'm only having some fun with the headlines again. The real story about ACTUAL beef is HERE. I bet my version, had it been real, would have made some of you a little more outraged, though.

Mikey, Data, Mouth, Chunk & Sloth are all standing by. All I have to do is say the word!

Dear Josh Brolin,
It's not enough that you starred with my boyfriend, Javier Bardem in your latest movie, No Country For Old Men? Now you dare to disrespect me tonight on the red carpet with this? You don't see me laying one on your gorgeous and talented wife, Diane Lane, do you? No, you don't.

Don't make me tie you up Goonies-style!

Jeremy is irresistible, I get it, but I will only say this once: you'd better step off of my Pivs, because there's NO COUNTRY FOR INJURED MEN, EITHER.


That's Jeremy's "WTF is happening to me" look, it's not the "I'm enjoying this" look it seems to be. Trust!

Source

All his fancy book-learnin' and he still wouldn't know IRONY if it hit him in the mouth!

I need you to ignore the troubled female who is the topic of every media outlet in the universe and please focus on helping me understand why anyone would MAKE A PUBLIC STATEMENT on regretting the PREVIOUS PUBLIC STATEMENT:


Also "not helpful"? Another public statement.

Now is as good a time as any to share the importance of utilizing the occupational training (skills that pay the bills) of your friends to your own personal advantage. You have to pay them back in kind, though. I reimburse my friends with photography and design work or in charming witticisms, though I'm sure they'd prefer cash. 

I have two who most often answer the pressing questions that keep me awake at night. Staci (with an "i") is an orthodontist who always treats my frantic e-mails with the kind of respect that only someone with impeccable bedside manner and infinite patience is capable of. Especially because these e-mails usually begin with something like, "What in sam hell happened to the roof of this woman's mouth and could it have been caused by watching too much reality TV, because if so I could be in trouble, right!?" or "When you volunteered at that clinic, did you treat any meth addicts who smoked their own teeth because I just read an article about a man who actually did that and I am still in disbelief!?".

She should not be confused with Stacey (with an 'ey'), a nurse currently back in med school on her way to becoming a doctor. I talk to her about things like what it takes to REALLY impress Clooney and how doing Jägerbombs leads to *inappropriate touching (whatever THAT is). All weighty, far-reaching topics that Indiana University is bound to do research studies on, fingers crossed. I don't abuse their free advice and my questions are always of the utmost importance. Like the subjects of this trio of e-mails between Orthodontist-Staci and I:

Stac,
Please tell me, assuming that you can get past the enormity of his cranium, if any of Dr. Phil's chompers are real. While you're at it, why have Cruizazy's front teeth grown out of his noggin all shifted over sideways? Was it all the couch-jumping? Be honest.



Head size comparison to scale. Yes, Dr. Phil's is that enormous.

Jules,
Dr. Phil has had major dental work; probably a crown (cap) on EVERY. SINGLE. TOOTH. Tom Cruise is missing an upper left tooth near the front (I believe it's the upper left lateral incisor), so his dental midline is totally shifted over to the left. I don't know what those braces he had a while ago did, but it really didn't fix it. His teeth are still f**ked up.

Stac,
Do they make crowns that would fit over Dr. Phil's entire mouth (mustache and all) because he really could use one as a deterrent to making all of these regrettable public statements. In regards to Cruise: Interesting that his teeth and his public image continue to be equally f**ked up after making that regrettable public statement about Brooke Shield's postpartum depression. What can only be next for Dr. Phil is to take his own turn jumping on Oprah's couch. Oh wait, that's how he got his own talk show.

*For the record, I still call bullsh*t on the whole "inappropriate touching" thing.

Comcastholes, Part 2: You can't touch this!

My Dad brought this story to my attention after he read this other post I wrote about my friend J.C.'s experience with her local cable service. Note to self: Buy a hammer, you'll need it after your cable service sees this post and retaliates.

Taking a Hammer to Comcast
Mona Shaw had heard and seen enough from Comcast, her local cable television provider. After repeated attempts to change her phone service, the 75-year-old Bristow resident with a heart condition took out her frustrations at the Manassas payment center. Shaw was arrested for disorderly conduct after she took a hammer to several items in the office - all the while saying, "Have I got your attention now?"

Shaw's problems began when she and her husband, Don, waited all day Aug. 13 for a Comcast worker to come to their house to install its much-publicized Triple Play service, which includes digital cable, digital voice and high-speed Internet service. The Shaws were Comcast customers already but wanted to upgrade. No one came Aug. 13 but two days later, a representative arrived. According to Shaw, the Comcast worker didn't finish the job, told her that he needed a third party to finish it and left his equipment there. Before leaving, the cable guy gave her the option of changing her phone number, but Shaw said she didn't want to change a number that she has had for 34 years.

The next day the Shaws couldn't receive calls but were eventually able to make calls. That Friday, Shaw spent the morning on the phone with Comcast and made a frustrating trip to its Manassas office that resulted in no assistance from a company manager, she said. When the Shaws returned home, they discovered they had no phone service at all.

The Shaws waited Monday for a call. Finally, around 4:30 p.m., Mona Shaw put a hammer in her purse and returned to the Manassas Comcast office. "I smashed a keyboard, knocked over a monitor ... and I went to hit the telephone," Mona said. "I figured, 'Hey my telephone is screwed up, so is yours.' " Shaw said she was panic-stricken the previous Friday when they came home to no service because of her need in the past for emergency medical help.

The day after her arrest, Comcast called her husband and said they could switch her to the Triple Play service but the couple would have to wait a week. He demanded that the company come out the next day and remove their equipment and told the company they were returning to Verizon for phone service. Comcast did as her husband requested, but several weeks later the Shaws received a letter from the company thanking them for subscribing. That was typical Comcast, Shaw said.

I wonder if, like MC Hammer, Mona is dope on the floor and magic on the mic?


Read the full article, and check out a photo of Mona "The Hammer" Shaw by clicking HERE, or read what made my Dad think to send me Mona's story by clicking HERE.

Comcastholes

Recently, my friend J.C. took one of her cable boxes in because it hasn't worked in quite awhile. Between raising 2 children and running a company with her husband, the woman is one busy Texan. She could have chosen to spend countless hours on the phone trying in vain to get through to someone in repair at the cable company, but in an effort to cut out the hassle of the middleman thought it would be easier to just drop it off at the local cable office. This is what happened when she did just that:

JC: "Hi! I'm dropping off this cable box for repair."

Receptionist: "What's wrong with it?"

JC: "I'm not sure what's wrong with it, but it hasn't worked in 2 months. This is the first chance I've had to bring it in."

Receptionist: "Did you try calling customer service about this problem 2 months ago, and every day after?"

JC: "Two months ago and EVERY. DAY. AFTER.?"

Receptionist: (refusing to acknowledge the absurdity of such a question) "Yes."

...and just so YOU know, "all you could do" apparently wasn't good enough

Why? Why would you have felt the need to say this? Why, I ask you? We're not in the habit of counting wings, but when you actually say something like this to us, you give us no choice. The ones that remained ended up in the trash.

Pizza & wings delivery guy: "Just so you know, these smelled so good to me, that on my way over it was all I could do to keep my hands out of there."

We hope you enjoyed the wings, you douche.

There IS a bitch in this story, but it certainly isn't the dog!

See this adorable and depressed-looking dog? Not the bitch in this story.


I know the following headline will have lots of you chuckling (especially you married guys, because things are much funnier when you can actually relate to them directly, right?); but after that initial laugh? You're going to think, "Whaaaa?" and "Whooo?" and "Nahhhh!" and "Whyyyyy?" and Dude!" and then, finally; "OH-MY-GAWD-THAT-POOR-DOG-SOMEONE-SHOULD-DO-SOMETHING-LIKE-CALL-MCGRUFF!"

Man 'marries' bitch to beat curse
An Indian man has "married" a female dog, hoping the move will help atone for stoning two other dogs to death. P Selvakumar, 33, said he had been cursed since the killings, suffering paralysis and a loss of hearing.

The wedding took place at a Hindu temple in Tamil Nadu state. The "bride" wore an orange sari with a flower garland and was fed a bun to celebrate. Superstitious people in rural India sometimes organize weddings to animals in the hope of warding off curses. Crowds cheered the newly-weds at the end of the ceremony in Sivaganga district, about 50km (30 miles) east of the city of Madurai. The "bride", who is called Selvi, was led to the temple in Manamudurai wearing a sari before vows were exchanged in a traditional Hindu ceremony.

A relative of the groom who attended the wedding said he hoped Mr Selvakumar would now be cured. "Fifteen years back Selvakumar was physically fit. But, once he attacked a pair of dogs and thereafter Kumar could not move his limbs freely," the relative, Ramu, told the BBC. "He tried every cure for his ailment but could not be rid of his disability.

"On the advice of an astrologer and others, he decided to marry a bitch to get cured. Then we arranged Selvakumar's marriage with a bitch."

Hold up, let me get this straight. He married a dog to cure himself of physical problems that came on over the course of 15 years after he STONED 2 other dogs to death; And he was advised to marry the dog by an astrologer (is this where people go for advice these days)?

This story is wrong on so many levels that I feel the need to tell this bitch guy off in the best way I know how!


Source

So THIS is where all that funding for cancer research went. Great job, Indiana University!

They needed to conduct a study on this subject? And it was done by an accredited university? Really?


Indiana University wins the "DUH" award of the millenium for their "research study" confirming the oldest known fact in the history of the universe.