The Official House of Jules "Reviewer of All Things I Get Manufacturer Coupons For" is...

A few months back I wrote a post that I'm quoting in part here:

I've already written about how my job has involved many pitch meetings for different products, and that I probably pay attention to commercials, slogans, and advertising in general more than the average person does. I think about what goes into a pitch meeting, and how I'm sure some advertising agencies must be amazed when a client goes with (and pays big money for) some half-baked or unintentionally hilarious idea. The following product slogan fits right into the "How did the marketing department get away with that?" category. This is the perfect example of a commercial that a roomful of men must have scripted:


Double-click on either 'play' arrow if you have trouble with the video

We started with a simple almond. Added pecans, peanuts and a hint of sweetness. The result? An extraordinary nutsnack.

That nutsnack line in the commercial got a ton of internet buzz, and shortly thereafter I was saddened to see that they changed the commercial to simply end with "...an extraordinary SNACK". They took all the joy out of that ad for me. Oh well. In the meantime, I had already e-mailed the True North company to request free product samples for reviewing purposes. They e-mailed back that they don't do samples, BUT that they'd send me some coupons to use. Those True North people are on top of things because I got 3 coupons less than a week later, along with a very nice letter. I loved them already.

Since it seems I'm easily seduced by letters from the people who created the supposed extraordinary nutsnacks, I knew I would need someone else to do the actual product review for me. It would have to be someone honest because at the end of the day I'm trying to find out if True North has in fact made an extraordinary nutsnack or not. Extraordinary isn't a descriptor to just toss about casually, especially when referring to nuts, of all things, and I wanted to make sure, in the name of science, that they weren't trying to deceive people by using fancy ten dollar words to promote NUTS. Besides the reviewer being an honest person, they'd have to be game for documenting the experience. I suppose not being allergic to nuts is another important quality for the reviewer to have, but I figured if they were allergic to nuts they'd bring it up before getting started, or they'd ask me to also provide an EpiPen, which I was okay with. This is serious business! Sometimes you just have to swallow (pun intended) your fear of anaphylactic shock and eat some nuts!

It took me all of 2 seconds to think of the right guy for the job. A few months back, he got really pissed that he hadn't ever won any of the House of Jules giveaways, the breaking point being when he didn't win a keychain I bought at the George Michael concert... AND HE'S A STRAIGHT DUDE. Clearly, that's the guy for the job... and "that guy" is Spammon!

The first thing I had to do was decide which kind of True North nutsnacks to use the coupons on. There's a lot of True North nutsnack variety on the store shelves, so this took longer than I thought it would. Here are the ones I bought:


True North Nutsnacks

Then I had to decide which to send to Spam & his extraordinary Fam. I was already mentally exhausted from all the time I spent in the nutsnack aisle of the store, so I decided to avoid making any additional decisions for the rest of the day.

This led me to do a "Blind Nutsnack Grab", which is:

A) What tipsy ladies (ahem) have been known to do at parties.

B) Kind of like bobbing for apples except there isn't any water involved, or apples for that matter.

C) None of the above, and even though you're intrigued with choice B, you really hope it's choice A.

If you picked choice B, you're right! Technically, choices A and C aren't wrong, either... but neither apply to this particular post.


Anyway, I closed my eyes and the one I grabbed from the store's plastic bag first is the one I sent. As a joke, I also sent along a .99 bag 'o nuts from Walgreens that looked pretty gross. Even though I made it clear I didn't expect him to try that one, HE DID ANYWAY, and in doing so solidified himself as "The Official House of Jules Reviewer of All Things I Get Manufacturer Coupons For" from here on out.

Without further ado, I give the proverbial floor to Mr. Daily Rebuttal himself:

True North Pecan Almond Peanut Clusters (TNPAPC) vs. Walgreens Premium Mixed Nuts (WPMN) Review Face-Off!

A quick background to the review on the TNPAPC’s. I’ve broken the review into a two different areas: Presentation and Performance. Since I was given 2 different products, this review also turned into a face-off. Each product will have the chance to win 5 stars for each review.

PRESENTATION!

It's on like Donkey Kong!

WPMN: My first impression of the WPMN’s is that the packaging was clear. This let me see exactly what I was going to eat, which is a definite plus if these snacks are going into my mouth. I don’t want surprises when it comes to this. The nuts-- a mix of almonds, pistachios and cashews-- weren’t unpleasant. That said, they also weren’t spectacular. I also got a good glimpse of the price. $.99 is branded on the top right, and that turns me off. I prefer not to have an unremovable price on something. If I decided to use these as stocking stuffers, I wouldn't want anyone thinking I’m too cheap to join the party. Also, it has Walgreens printed on it. What does this say? It says I went to go get my prescription for athletes foot and saw a package of mixed nuts hanging on the counter. This packaging definitely says I’m eating these myself because they are not fit for gifting, and that's why they only got 2 stars.

TNPAPC: Although the True North packaging lacks a window, they have a pleasing picture with a cluster of nuts seemingly bursting with nutty flavor on the front. You don’t have to have a lot of busyness to make something look desirable. True North has accomplished this with clean packaging design, and that works for me. Another big plus is that the package is resealable. I don’t risk my snacks getting stale and I will be able to enjoy these for the next few months. I give TNPAPC’s packaging 4 stars. I couldn’t award it 5 because although it’s nice, it didn’t make my jaw drop.

--

PERFORMANCE!

WPNM vs. TNPAPC

WPMN average performance score:1/2

Porter says...
Porter enjoyed the nuts and went for seconds.


Linds says...
“If it were on day when I ate bad and needed something light with no guilt, I would go for the WPMN’s. The flavor was bland but not terrible.”


Spammon says...
 "The nuts were extremely bland. I feel these needed salt or something to bring out the flavor. In fact, they didn’t even have a full natural flavor about them. But on the flip side, at least they didn’t taste like feet."

--

TNPAPC average performance score: 1/2

Porter says...
Porter enjoyed the nuts and went for seconds.


Linds says...
“I thought it was just the right balance of salty and sweet. It wasn’t overly sweet that I got a tooth ache, but not too salty where I needed a gallon of water. I couldn’t give it a 5 because the peanuts were a little too dominant. But then again, I’m not a peanut person.”


Spammon says...
“After looking at the package and the picture for the last few weeks, I was expecting something similar to Poppycock. Instead, I was hit with an extraordinary flavor. It’s sort of sweet, yet sort of salty. There was a bit of a letdown because I was expecting that Poppycock/caramel flavor, but that disappointment was gone in seconds with the True North extraordinary taste. I was also very pleased that it wasn’t hard like peanut brittle, because the picture made me think I could break my teeth if I wasn't careful. Instead, it was easy on the teeth and smooth on the way down. I was also very happy that they weren’t extremely sticky, so I could avoid washing my hands every 2 minutes. I give them 4 stars. I didn’t go the full 5-star rating because although I was very satisfied with the taste, it didn’t launch my taste buds out of the roof of my mouth.”


To recap, the True North Pecan Almond Peanut Clusters were great. They are a fun snack and very tasty. I might even say they could be poured in milk and enjoyed for breakfast. I would probably call it Grape Nuts on Steroids. Although they won’t replace my favorite snack (sunflower seeds), I could definitely see myself buying these in the future and trying some other flavors. If you haven’t tried them yet, they are worth your time and money. So if you haven’t got anything going on tonight, grab your significant other, a movie, some licorice and skip the popcorn, because it just might be an extraordinary nutsnack night.

Many thanks to Spammon, Linds & that 5-star palate of the adorable Porter for such a thorough nutsnack review! You guys are the B.O.M.B.!

No visible scars, but the emotional scars? Even worse than you can imagine.

I'm all for medical progress. So much, in fact, that I'm a House M.D. fanatic not only because Hugh Laurie's blue-eyed biting wit can hold my attention for an entire 8-hour show marathon (over the course of one weekend, but still), in addition to the weekly show, but also because I'm convinced that one day I'll be able to diagnose myself or someone else with a rare (or totally obvious) disease that none of the experts thought to check for.

I'm getting entertained AND educated, or something.

I made the mistake of saying (as a JOKE) "But, I'm a House junkie, too! I'm practically in med school!" to my friend J., in response to him questioning my superior knowledge of reality TV show cast members. Since then he gives me a hard time about it by calling after the show airs to ask, "So, how was class?", and then wants to know all about whatever horrible ailment Gregory House and his crack team diagnosed in a nice little package just before the credits roll.

Where was I? Ahh, yes. Medical progress. When I saw the headline in my feed reader of the news article below, my immediate reaction was nervous laughter. I thought, Go on! Click on it. It can't be that awful. Little did I know that in reading just the amount of story shown below, it would go from bad to worse to horrifying to actually dry heaving at the mental image.

I'm not about to tell you how to do something, but let me suggest that for at least a beat longer than you normally would, linger on the chilling headline alone. Let it settle into the recesses of your brain before moving on to the REST of the gag-inducing blurb:


That's as valid a concern as any, Mr. Pagliuca!

I know there are already procedures done through belly buttons, so no need to point that out. Somehow having an organ pulled from my torso out of my mouth seems a little more, I don't know, disgusting?! After posting this, I'm heading out for a little drive with my windows down, my sunroof open and some loud music to take my mind off of it. Again, medical progress=good. Mental imagery=bad.

Thanks for bringing this story to light and see you in my nightmares, Rob Stein!

Source

Brides-To-Be everywhere declare USDA "Bachelorette Party Enemy #1"

You're not going to believe this, but I'm not a fan of male strip clubs (seriously, I'm really not); however, I was still shocked to see this story on CNN.com:


The bad news is that apparently the USDA has jurisdiction over beefcake. The good news is I won't need so many dollar bills at the next bachelorette party I attend!


Just kidding, I'm only having some fun with the headlines again. The real story about ACTUAL beef is HERE. I bet my version, had it been real, would have made some of you a little more outraged, though.

The atomic number of selenium, and as of today, my age

1979. Those wings: took my mom forever to curl, and even more hairspray than you can possibly imagine to hold in place. I remember being VERY concerned that they would go flat before I got this picture taken. That dress: hideous, even then.


This was my favorite birthday gift of my entire childhood: The Hot Cycle "Green Machine", and I was the only kid on the block to have one. Even the boys were jealous, as you can see by the stance of Mr. Plaid Pants. Seeing this photo of me on my much-storied "Green Machine" will make Jen & Eric Cox laugh very hard, but that's another story for another day.


I can tell this is going to be a good year already because in the past 48 hours I've gone through 3 brand-new-to-me experiences. I'll blog about the other 2 when my 'visual aides' are completed, but here's one I can share with you now.

New Experience #1

I got this email from my future baby-daddy Todd (McMuffin) shortly after midnight:




Just after he answered in that southern drawl, I suddenly heard what I thought was static, and I figured the connection on our cell phones was bad. Here's how our conversation began:

Todd: "Hey, happy birthday, babe!"

Static/white noise/blowing sounds

Me: "Thank you! What is that sound? You there?"

louder blowing sounds

Todd: "I'M ON FIRE!"

the sound of a chair overturning

Me: "You're ON FIRE?"

I then realize the noise I think is a bad connection is actually Todd trying to extinguish the flames with his own breath.

Me: "Are you alright???"

more intense blowing, intermixed with that contagious laugh of his, sounding further away, because he has by this time set the phone down

Todd: "WHEW! Ok, baby. My sleeve was on fire. For a minute I thought I was going to be your own human birthday candle, but since I'm planning to jump out of a cake for your birthday, it's good to work these kinks out before the actual show."

It's going to be a very good year.

I only wish it was longer!

That's what he said.


Do those obsessed female "Claymates" cheering in the audience STILL think one day he's going to be interested in any of them? Even after seeing this? Really? WOW.


One video leads to the next. I laughed for 2 minutes straight (no pun intended) after watching this 8-second video titled, "What is Clay thinking?". The fact that whoever uploaded it in slow-motion (meaning that in real-time, this actually took about 1.5 seconds) is hilarious.

You'll watch this twice, trust me. "Claymates" are advised to watch it at least 4 times.

Let's call this "Aversion Therapy"

I am not a "cat person" due to a bad childhood experience with my friend Kim's cat, who tried--and very nearly succeeded--in sucking my soul out through my nose while I was sleeping. I woke up the morning after her birthday party sleepover because the cat had his nostrils pressed firmly up against mine and was inhaling every time I exhaled. His eyes were closed tight, as if to transfer the energy normally allotted to his sense of sight over to his 7th sense, more commonly known as the sense of killing innocent children (which naturally comes after the 6th sense of merely seeing dead people).

I was too frozen with fear to wake Kim up. The best I could do was to faintly whisper her name into the silent white void of morning, to no avail. As my anxiety increased it became less a whisper and more a "mouthing" of her name, a useless lip-syncing plea for her to take control of the wild beast that was bound to get rid of me, one way or another.

When the cat grew bored with his soul-sucking tactics, he decided to stand on my chest and taunt me further by fanning out his paw and whipping out his talon-like claws, just before walking in circles on top of me for the next 20 minutes. At that point I started screaming, "PLEASE HELP ME KIM, I'M GOING TO DIE IF YOU DON'T WAKE UP MY GOD YOUR DIABOLICAL CAT IS KILLING ME SLOWLY AND PAINLESSLY AND I'VE NEVER FEARED FOR MY LIFE MORE IN MY ENTIRE 9 YEARS ON EARTH SURELY THIS WILL SCAR ME FOR LIFE AND I'LL HAVE TRUST ISSUES WITH AN ENTIRE ANIMAL SPECIES FOR THE REST OF MY LIVING YEARS, OR IN THESE LAST REMAINING MINUTES DEPENDING ON WHAT YOUR HOMICIDAL PET DECIDES TO DO NEXT", except I was screaming on the inside, and the only person who could hear it was me.

After that, he had the nerve to look directly into my eyes as if to say, "Are you mentally prepared for this?" just before turning around and sticking his cat-ass in my face ("IN", not "ON", which in this case is a very important distinction) while proceeding to lick his arms for all eternity until my friend Rip Van Winkle woke up. I swear it's all true.

Did I mention the suitably vicious name of her cat? Tigger. As in, Winnie the Pooh's best friend, who has his own theme song: "The most wonderful thing about Tiggers, is Tiggers are wonderful things. Their tops are made out of rubber, their bottoms are made out of springs. They're bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy, Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! But the most wonderful thing about Tiggers is, I'm the only one. T-I-double-guh-err".

I know, totally intimidating, right?

Regardless, the below photo made me laugh out loud-- and in my life, comedy will always rule over fear. That's just how I roll. YOU HEAR THAT, TIGGER? Uh, but if you would please still keep your soul-sucking, claw-sharpening cat away from me, that would be really, really great. Ok? Thanks.


That's what he said?

Click here for more "Aversion Therapy".