By the time you read this, I'll already be there.

In 2008, I went with some BFFs on an annual October trip to Key West, Florida. You can read about that and my childhood (and continuing) love for a Bertie Higgins song by clicking HERE.

We had plans to do many things on the trip, meeting up with Irish Peter being at the top of the list. (In 2007, the girls made fast friends with Irish Peter--a nickname they bestowed upon him because his name is Peter and he is, in fact, Irish. He is also funny, charming, hot, a good time, has an accent and did I mention that he's hot?--who at the time was working as the bartender on the booze cruise they were boozin' it up on.) We went to a bar he was working at and all of the boxes on the list of reasons men make my heart race were checked off. We had a great time, and at some point in the night we were in the parking lot behind the bar so he could record my outgoing voicemail greeting. This greeting has confused and possibly irritated every straight guy who has ever called me, because the combination of Irish Peter's accent and the speed at which he's talking makes it difficult for people to understand. Every female and gay guy who has ever called me has given it RAVE reviews, though. They usually say that they can't understand a thing he says but the accent makes it sexy anyway. You should give it a listen:

My outgoing voicemail greeting: Irish Peter by HouseofJules

"How's it goin'? Jules isn't here right now; she's out in Key West picking some spuds and lookin' for me Lucky Charms. If you can leave a message, she'll be glad to get back to you as soon as she can. I'll be talkin' to ya and have a wonderful day!"


Friends have called me multiple times in a day just to hear that voicemail greeting.


I wasn't able to go on the trip with the girls this year, but my BFF Jen let Irish Peter use her phone because he was missing me (duh) and he also wanted to hear himself as my voicemail greeting. I had to switch it out for a generic greeting recently because I'm looking for a new job and don't want potential employers to hear him and assume they've gotten the wrong number! The message he left me is one for the books:

He REALLY is a gift by HouseofJules

"Jules, I'm kinda sad. I was expecting to hear myself in your phone! We're calling you here from Key West; you might recognize my voice! Happy birthday! Apparently, we have your birthday present here. I'm wrapped up in a bow; you've gotta come down and get me..."

(It's so funny hearing my girls "Oh my God!"-ing as he hands Jen's phone back to her. So. Funny.)

I made the mistake of listening to that message at work, and then I listened to it again. And again (and again). Wrapped in a bow? Come down and get you? YES, PLEASE.


Then, I switched from the generic outgoing greeting I was using to the one he recorded with me, just so he could call back and hear it. This is his reaction:

Rosetta Stone by HouseofJules

"You need to put subtitles on your message, 'cause I can't even understand that and I actually said it! I need to get Rosetta Stone and get my english a little better there. I'm having technical difficulties! Thanks for putting it back on, you're the best!"


Funny, charming, hot, a good time, hot, has an accent, is wrapped in a bow for my birthday and all I have to do is go get him? Twist my arm.

Happy birthday to me, indeed.

****

"You know that thing we've been working on for awhile now?"

Have you seen this totally predictable iPhone commercial?



Ugh, gag. Two seconds into the first time I saw it, I knew what she was calling him about. I held my breath until the end, though... thinking about how clever it would be if she wasn't calling to tell him she's pregnant, but because she finished the World's Most Difficult Jigsaw Puzzle.



Apple needs to start consulting me on their advertising campaigns. Advertising, design, marketing. It's what I do*.



*I work hard for the money, so hard for you honey.

****

Fiesta, forever!

Lionel Richie wrote a song about occasions like this: Today is my boo Will's birthday!

Please read my previous birthday post to him HERE so you can get a feel for his awesomeness! It'll open in another window so you can come right back to this afterward. Seriously, go read it. DO IT.

He's great, right? Of course he is. The guy TOTALLY gets me & I couldn't adore him more.

Last weekend I went to another friend's wedding and put up a Facebook status letting everyone know what I was up to at the reception. There were a handful of funny responses, but his got right to the heart of the matter:


My status update on one of the greatest songs* of all time, and Will's response.

Love him! I know he would've been right there with me, heckling the band. The two of us could've wrestled the microphone away from the singer & performed the song as a duet. We could easily entertain a crowd. How many times can bands play, "From This Moment"? C'mon, wedding bands! Spice that shit up and take some unorthodox requests.

Back to Will: He's currently in D.C. getting his education on (now I'm just typing stuff in to crack MYSELF up), and you can read my post about that HERE. Don't miss it because your life will get exponentially better after seeing the picture of him ON A DING DONG, also known as my favorite photo OF ALL TIME! No joke. Click to read now & thank me later.

Now that you know enough about him to fully enjoy the rest of this post--and there will be a test at the end so don't cheat or everyone will know--I'll bring you up to a couple of months ago, when I wanted to sent him a surprise package full of things to help him survive all that studying** he's doing at the library.

I bought a bunch of small items, including:

• Highlighters
• Post-It notes
• Fun writing pens
• Notation clips for his textbooks
• Mini Chicago playing cards
• Snacks (nutsnacks, etc... HA!)
• Lots of candy
• Little plastic toys like whistles & kazoos
• Magnets (1 from a roadtrip to Tennessee and one with a skull & banner that says, "A Pirate's Life" just because whenever I thought about it being on his fridge, I'd literally laugh out loud)
• Party poppers (those bottle-popping confetti things)
• A shot glass

...and most importantly:

• Assorted mini-liquor bottles
• Tylenol

The pile of goodness all laid out:

Then, I shoved it ALL in this piñata and shipped it off:

It was so much fun putting this together for him, and he loved it. He was even going to keep the donkey around & give it a name. Now, THAT'S love.

Happy birthday, Will! You're the best!

*Unskinny Bop's totally-appropriate-for-a-wedding-reception video & lyrics:


My favorite line: "Like gasoline you wanna pump me". Pure poetry, baby.

Unskinny Bop by Poison
What's got you so jumpy? Why can't you sit still, yeah?
Like gasoline you wanna pump me
And leave me when you get your fill, yeah

Every time I touch you honey you get hot
I want to make love you never stop
Come up for air you push me to the floor
What's been going on in that head of yours?

(chorus)
Unskinny bop, just blows me away
Unskinny bop bop. All night and day
Unskinny bop bop bop bop, She just loves to play
Unskinny bop , nothin' more to say

You look at me so funny
Love bite go you acting oh so strange
You got too many bees in your honey
Am I just another word in your page, yeah, yeah

(chorus)

You're sayin' my love won't do ya, but that ain't love written on your face
Well honey I can see right through ya
We'll see whose ridin' who at the end of the race

What's right? What's wrong? What's left?
What the hell is going on?


**Not a euphemism, but it totally should be

****

In which Axl Rose is Bill Cosby and Dr. Pepper is Sandman Simms

I'm a pepper, she's a pepper, he's...an old rock star named Axl. You remember him, right?

One of the greatest days over the summer was when a Chicago radio station played Appetite for Destruction and Use Your Illusion I & II in their entireties, and I still knew every song by heart. I'm not sure my bosses were impressed, but it sure made for a fun workday. Nothing quite like singing along under my breath to "You're Crazy" with a client standing by your desk.

When GNR was first blowing up, my friends & I loved them so much that we created a girl group called Revolvers n' Pansies that went on to win (by a landslide, for reals) the school talent show by lip-syncing to Welcome to the Jungle and Paradise City. I had long-ish hair and a huge perm back then, so I flipped all my hair over my face and put a big black top hat on over it, which in instantly made me Slash with a rack.

I'd share a photo of that night with you, but the only one I have is in the yearbook, and someone was thoughtful enough--while off in a darkened corner somewhere-- to draw a big fat joint coming out of my mouth with a few squiggly lines made to look like smoke. I'm pretty sure it was the same guy (whose name I won't mention because I'm a lady... stop laughing!) that decided to draw happy little sperm (should that have an 's' on the end, or is sperm already plural? It is, right? Oh, please don't let my parents or any of their friends read this entry; their daughter is too lazy to google the word sperm and confirm her suspicion that it doesn't need an 's' on the end. A shining moment!) all around the edges of the football team photo page. For the record, I never once made out with that guy. Ahhh, high school. Good times!

The other thing about the photo is that I blinked when the photographer's flash went off, so it's not that great. Now that I really think about it though, the closed eyes and big smile lends some credibility to the hand-drawn giggle stick hanging from my lips. I digress.

Where was I? Oh yes, GNR. So, after eleventy-hundred rumors and one-too-many face tugs, Axl Rose is releasing his 13-year in the works album, Chinese Democracy. Of course it has been a joke throughout all these years, with announcements on the regular that it would come out soon... very soon! Okay, not that soon. A little bit longer. Maybe a handful of years. Alright then, a decade has gone by, what's the rush?

Earlier this year, Dr. Pepper issued a challenge (chall-LUNGE!) to Axl & company. If GNR released the album before 2009, the soda conglomerate would give everyone in America one free Dr. Pepper.


Bill Cosby & Sandman Simms; the greatest CHALL-UNGE in pop culture history.


Turns out ole' Axl still has enough energy to stick it to the man, and tomorrow is the big album release day! Whether or not you're going to buy it, you can still get a free Dr. Pepper. They'll even give you one without drawing obscene pictures all over your face while you're not looking. As far as I'm concerned, it's your lucky day, but you only have 24 hours. It's a CHALL-UNGE! Axl was up for it, are you?

I highly recommend drinking your free Dr. Pepper with an Extraordinary Nutsnack.

Dr. Pepper is ready to give out free soda coupons to every American when the album releases on Nov. 23, 2008. If you're out to get a free Dr Pepper just follow these simple steps:

1. On the Nov. 23, 2008 release date, go to Dr. Pepper's official website.

2. Register your information to receive a coupon for one free 20-oz. Dr Pepper.

3. When your coupon arrives, redeem it wherever Dr. Pepper is sold.

Coupons will be available for 24 hours, starting at 12:01 a.m. Eastern Time on Nov. 23, 2008. Allow 4-6 weeks for coupon to arrive. Coupons will expire on Feb. 28, 2009. Limit one coupon per person. Full terms and conditions available at www.drpepper.com!

You're welcome.

The Official House of Jules "Reviewer of All Things I Get Manufacturer Coupons For" is...

A few months back I wrote a post that I'm quoting in part here:

I've already written about how my job has involved many pitch meetings for different products, and that I probably pay attention to commercials, slogans, and advertising in general more than the average person does. I think about what goes into a pitch meeting, and how I'm sure some advertising agencies must be amazed when a client goes with (and pays big money for) some half-baked or unintentionally hilarious idea. The following product slogan fits right into the "How did the marketing department get away with that?" category. This is the perfect example of a commercial that a roomful of men must have scripted:


Double-click on either 'play' arrow if you have trouble with the video

We started with a simple almond. Added pecans, peanuts and a hint of sweetness. The result? An extraordinary nutsnack.

That nutsnack line in the commercial got a ton of internet buzz, and shortly thereafter I was saddened to see that they changed the commercial to simply end with "...an extraordinary SNACK". They took all the joy out of that ad for me. Oh well. In the meantime, I had already e-mailed the True North company to request free product samples for reviewing purposes. They e-mailed back that they don't do samples, BUT that they'd send me some coupons to use. Those True North people are on top of things because I got 3 coupons less than a week later, along with a very nice letter. I loved them already.

Since it seems I'm easily seduced by letters from the people who created the supposed extraordinary nutsnacks, I knew I would need someone else to do the actual product review for me. It would have to be someone honest because at the end of the day I'm trying to find out if True North has in fact made an extraordinary nutsnack or not. Extraordinary isn't a descriptor to just toss about casually, especially when referring to nuts, of all things, and I wanted to make sure, in the name of science, that they weren't trying to deceive people by using fancy ten dollar words to promote NUTS. Besides the reviewer being an honest person, they'd have to be game for documenting the experience. I suppose not being allergic to nuts is another important quality for the reviewer to have, but I figured if they were allergic to nuts they'd bring it up before getting started, or they'd ask me to also provide an EpiPen, which I was okay with. This is serious business! Sometimes you just have to swallow (pun intended) your fear of anaphylactic shock and eat some nuts!

It took me all of 2 seconds to think of the right guy for the job. A few months back, he got really pissed that he hadn't ever won any of the House of Jules giveaways, the breaking point being when he didn't win a keychain I bought at the George Michael concert... AND HE'S A STRAIGHT DUDE. Clearly, that's the guy for the job... and "that guy" is Spammon!

The first thing I had to do was decide which kind of True North nutsnacks to use the coupons on. There's a lot of True North nutsnack variety on the store shelves, so this took longer than I thought it would. Here are the ones I bought:


True North Nutsnacks

Then I had to decide which to send to Spam & his extraordinary Fam. I was already mentally exhausted from all the time I spent in the nutsnack aisle of the store, so I decided to avoid making any additional decisions for the rest of the day.

This led me to do a "Blind Nutsnack Grab", which is:

A) What tipsy ladies (ahem) have been known to do at parties.

B) Kind of like bobbing for apples except there isn't any water involved, or apples for that matter.

C) None of the above, and even though you're intrigued with choice B, you really hope it's choice A.

If you picked choice B, you're right! Technically, choices A and C aren't wrong, either... but neither apply to this particular post.


Anyway, I closed my eyes and the one I grabbed from the store's plastic bag first is the one I sent. As a joke, I also sent along a .99 bag 'o nuts from Walgreens that looked pretty gross. Even though I made it clear I didn't expect him to try that one, HE DID ANYWAY, and in doing so solidified himself as "The Official House of Jules Reviewer of All Things I Get Manufacturer Coupons For" from here on out.

Without further ado, I give the proverbial floor to Mr. Daily Rebuttal himself:

True North Pecan Almond Peanut Clusters (TNPAPC) vs. Walgreens Premium Mixed Nuts (WPMN) Review Face-Off!

A quick background to the review on the TNPAPC’s. I’ve broken the review into a two different areas: Presentation and Performance. Since I was given 2 different products, this review also turned into a face-off. Each product will have the chance to win 5 stars for each review.

PRESENTATION!

It's on like Donkey Kong!

WPMN: My first impression of the WPMN’s is that the packaging was clear. This let me see exactly what I was going to eat, which is a definite plus if these snacks are going into my mouth. I don’t want surprises when it comes to this. The nuts-- a mix of almonds, pistachios and cashews-- weren’t unpleasant. That said, they also weren’t spectacular. I also got a good glimpse of the price. $.99 is branded on the top right, and that turns me off. I prefer not to have an unremovable price on something. If I decided to use these as stocking stuffers, I wouldn't want anyone thinking I’m too cheap to join the party. Also, it has Walgreens printed on it. What does this say? It says I went to go get my prescription for athletes foot and saw a package of mixed nuts hanging on the counter. This packaging definitely says I’m eating these myself because they are not fit for gifting, and that's why they only got 2 stars.

TNPAPC: Although the True North packaging lacks a window, they have a pleasing picture with a cluster of nuts seemingly bursting with nutty flavor on the front. You don’t have to have a lot of busyness to make something look desirable. True North has accomplished this with clean packaging design, and that works for me. Another big plus is that the package is resealable. I don’t risk my snacks getting stale and I will be able to enjoy these for the next few months. I give TNPAPC’s packaging 4 stars. I couldn’t award it 5 because although it’s nice, it didn’t make my jaw drop.

--

PERFORMANCE!

WPNM vs. TNPAPC

WPMN average performance score:1/2

Porter says...
Porter enjoyed the nuts and went for seconds.


Linds says...
“If it were on day when I ate bad and needed something light with no guilt, I would go for the WPMN’s. The flavor was bland but not terrible.”


Spammon says...
 "The nuts were extremely bland. I feel these needed salt or something to bring out the flavor. In fact, they didn’t even have a full natural flavor about them. But on the flip side, at least they didn’t taste like feet."

--

TNPAPC average performance score: 1/2

Porter says...
Porter enjoyed the nuts and went for seconds.


Linds says...
“I thought it was just the right balance of salty and sweet. It wasn’t overly sweet that I got a tooth ache, but not too salty where I needed a gallon of water. I couldn’t give it a 5 because the peanuts were a little too dominant. But then again, I’m not a peanut person.”


Spammon says...
“After looking at the package and the picture for the last few weeks, I was expecting something similar to Poppycock. Instead, I was hit with an extraordinary flavor. It’s sort of sweet, yet sort of salty. There was a bit of a letdown because I was expecting that Poppycock/caramel flavor, but that disappointment was gone in seconds with the True North extraordinary taste. I was also very pleased that it wasn’t hard like peanut brittle, because the picture made me think I could break my teeth if I wasn't careful. Instead, it was easy on the teeth and smooth on the way down. I was also very happy that they weren’t extremely sticky, so I could avoid washing my hands every 2 minutes. I give them 4 stars. I didn’t go the full 5-star rating because although I was very satisfied with the taste, it didn’t launch my taste buds out of the roof of my mouth.”


To recap, the True North Pecan Almond Peanut Clusters were great. They are a fun snack and very tasty. I might even say they could be poured in milk and enjoyed for breakfast. I would probably call it Grape Nuts on Steroids. Although they won’t replace my favorite snack (sunflower seeds), I could definitely see myself buying these in the future and trying some other flavors. If you haven’t tried them yet, they are worth your time and money. So if you haven’t got anything going on tonight, grab your significant other, a movie, some licorice and skip the popcorn, because it just might be an extraordinary nutsnack night.

Many thanks to Spammon, Linds & that 5-star palate of the adorable Porter for such a thorough nutsnack review! You guys are the B.O.M.B.!

Whether it's "snack" or "sack" is debatable; what's certain is that it's extraordinary

I've already written about how my job has involved many pitch meetings for different products, and that I probably pay attention to commercials, slogans, and advertising in general more than the average person does. I think about what goes into a pitch meeting, and how I'm sure some advertising agencies must be amazed when a client goes with (and pays big money for) some half-baked or unintentionally hilarious idea.

For example, I was surprised by this product name and was saddened by this spokesperson/song, and I couldn't believe that this winter accessory actually made it into production.

The following product slogan fits right into the How did the marketing department get away with that? category. This is the perfect example of a commercial that a roomful of men must have scripted:


Double-click on either 'play' arrow if you have trouble with the video

We started with a simple almond.
Added pecans, peanuts and a hint of sweetness.
The result?
An extraordinary nutsnack.

Facts:
-This commercial had Jen & I in hysterics, which confirms that we're 12-year old boys at heart (and if you remember THIS OTHER post, you are not surprised by our reaction to the commercial at all).

-Somehow we've been quoting the commercial incorrectly for the past 48 hours, saying at every opportunity, "...and what we've come up with is an incredible nutsnack". Since "extraordinary" surpasses "incredible", we owe an apology to the True North Nut company for under-appreciating their nutsnack.

-I've already e-mailed the company to see if they'll send me product samples for giveaways. I'll keep you posted.


Thanks Lark, for being as immature as my friends & I are.

--

In other, less nut-centric news:
After taking myself and my sister out of the running, and numbering everyone in order of their comment on THIS POST, we have a winner of the George Michael concert merch and her name is Swishy.


E-mail me your address, Swish, so I can get your prize in the mail!