By the time you read this, I'll already be there.

In 2008, I went with some BFFs on an annual October trip to Key West, Florida. You can read about that and my childhood (and continuing) love for a Bertie Higgins song by clicking HERE.

We had plans to do many things on the trip, meeting up with Irish Peter being at the top of the list. (In 2007, the girls made fast friends with Irish Peter--a nickname they bestowed upon him because his name is Peter and he is, in fact, Irish. He is also funny, charming, hot, a good time, has an accent and did I mention that he's hot?--who at the time was working as the bartender on the booze cruise they were boozin' it up on.) We went to a bar he was working at and all of the boxes on the list of reasons men make my heart race were checked off. We had a great time, and at some point in the night we were in the parking lot behind the bar so he could record my outgoing voicemail greeting. This greeting has confused and possibly irritated every straight guy who has ever called me, because the combination of Irish Peter's accent and the speed at which he's talking makes it difficult for people to understand. Every female and gay guy who has ever called me has given it RAVE reviews, though. They usually say that they can't understand a thing he says but the accent makes it sexy anyway. You should give it a listen:

My outgoing voicemail greeting: Irish Peter by HouseofJules

"How's it goin'? Jules isn't here right now; she's out in Key West picking some spuds and lookin' for me Lucky Charms. If you can leave a message, she'll be glad to get back to you as soon as she can. I'll be talkin' to ya and have a wonderful day!"


Friends have called me multiple times in a day just to hear that voicemail greeting.


I wasn't able to go on the trip with the girls this year, but my BFF Jen let Irish Peter use her phone because he was missing me (duh) and he also wanted to hear himself as my voicemail greeting. I had to switch it out for a generic greeting recently because I'm looking for a new job and don't want potential employers to hear him and assume they've gotten the wrong number! The message he left me is one for the books:

He REALLY is a gift by HouseofJules

"Jules, I'm kinda sad. I was expecting to hear myself in your phone! We're calling you here from Key West; you might recognize my voice! Happy birthday! Apparently, we have your birthday present here. I'm wrapped up in a bow; you've gotta come down and get me..."

(It's so funny hearing my girls "Oh my God!"-ing as he hands Jen's phone back to her. So. Funny.)

I made the mistake of listening to that message at work, and then I listened to it again. And again (and again). Wrapped in a bow? Come down and get you? YES, PLEASE.


Then, I switched from the generic outgoing greeting I was using to the one he recorded with me, just so he could call back and hear it. This is his reaction:

Rosetta Stone by HouseofJules

"You need to put subtitles on your message, 'cause I can't even understand that and I actually said it! I need to get Rosetta Stone and get my english a little better there. I'm having technical difficulties! Thanks for putting it back on, you're the best!"


Funny, charming, hot, a good time, hot, has an accent, is wrapped in a bow for my birthday and all I have to do is go get him? Twist my arm.

Happy birthday to me, indeed.

****

Putting the Hump in Humpday: Yiddish Edish

Ryan Gosling is everything*. Need I say more? I think not.

But, I will anyway.

You either very much agree with me that he is everything or you don't**. I'm not going to sit here and try to sell you on Ryan Gosling. In his latest movie, "Crazy, Stupid, Love" (or as I call it, "Crazy, Stupid, Hot Ass Love"), he uses a certain Yiddish word several times. Each time, it sounds natural, as if it's part of his everyday vocabulary. He totally pulls it off. You can trust me on this because I've seen the movie twice already (and I did it FOR MY COUNTRY***).

Related:





*Not EVERYTHING-everything. Just everything. You know what I'm saying.

**Admittedly, Ryan Gosling isn't for everyone:

***Please, please click that hotlink. You won't be sorry.

To read previous Putting the Hump in Humpday posts, click HERE. Do it for your country.

Here's the "Crazy, Stupid, Hot Ass Love" trailer in case you've been living under a rock:


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Open up your heart and I'll set you free

In 1990, my dad handed down his beloved land yacht, otherwise known as the Oldsmobile Ninety-Eight (which he'd purchased brand new in 1981). It was my junior year of high school and I had a busy schedule between school, work, and soccer. The first thing I did was to replace the 8-track stereo with a cassette player, thankyouverymuch. Other than that, the car was perfect. It had plenty of room for all of my friends, rode like a dream and once you learn to parallel park a 1981 Olds Ninety-Eight, you can parallel park ANYTHING. I swear, that thing was longer than a limousine (that's what she said).

I even had personalized plates that I've kept to this day, though they're in a box, not on my current car. I will save that story for another time because if you don't know me personally, it's kind of embarrassing, if points of pride can be embarrassing. Especially since my dad suggested it. Next time you buy me drinks, I'll tell you the story, okay? We'll make it a win-win situation.

Anyway, I must show you a couple of random pictures I found through a quick online search so you can really understand my love for this beauty:


My Olds had 4 doors so it was even LONGER than the one pictured, but you get the idea.


The interior was plush, baby. I'm talking, nicer than some of the furniture we all grew up with. Check it:


Awww yeah...

This car was built for loud music, and I took full advantage of that new cassette-playing stereo. I've always had a broad spectrum of musical taste, but for about 2 months during the summer after graduation, I played this tape non-stop:


Color Me Badd's "C.M.B.", a 1991 musical opus.

I have a steel trap memory for just about everything in my life, including things people have told me about themselves. The tiniest of details get stuck in my brain and it's fun to freak out friends by pulling some fun fact out that they don't even remember telling anybody. It's also good for blackmail and song lyrics. So, to this day I still remember every word of the songs on that C.M.B. tape. Of course I have it on my iTunes, so they still pop up on shuffle and always make me smile.

This time of year, there are a lot of holiday parties which many times have karaoke. If Color Me Badd songs are available, that is what I'll pick. Every time. Specifically, my personal favorite: "I Wanna Sex You Up". Frankly, I don't even need the karaoke excuse. My friends (especially Jenny) can vouch for the fact that I've often broken into this song during approximately 12,784 of our phone conversations.




Related: One of my Facebook statuses from last September, with my boo Will chiming in:


Truth.


All I'm saying is, you've been warned:






Click HERE to follow me on Twitter, fool!

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Fiesta, forever!

Lionel Richie wrote a song about occasions like this: Today is my boo Will's birthday!

Please read my previous birthday post to him HERE so you can get a feel for his awesomeness! It'll open in another window so you can come right back to this afterward. Seriously, go read it. DO IT.

He's great, right? Of course he is. The guy TOTALLY gets me & I couldn't adore him more.

Last weekend I went to another friend's wedding and put up a Facebook status letting everyone know what I was up to at the reception. There were a handful of funny responses, but his got right to the heart of the matter:


My status update on one of the greatest songs* of all time, and Will's response.

Love him! I know he would've been right there with me, heckling the band. The two of us could've wrestled the microphone away from the singer & performed the song as a duet. We could easily entertain a crowd. How many times can bands play, "From This Moment"? C'mon, wedding bands! Spice that shit up and take some unorthodox requests.

Back to Will: He's currently in D.C. getting his education on (now I'm just typing stuff in to crack MYSELF up), and you can read my post about that HERE. Don't miss it because your life will get exponentially better after seeing the picture of him ON A DING DONG, also known as my favorite photo OF ALL TIME! No joke. Click to read now & thank me later.

Now that you know enough about him to fully enjoy the rest of this post--and there will be a test at the end so don't cheat or everyone will know--I'll bring you up to a couple of months ago, when I wanted to sent him a surprise package full of things to help him survive all that studying** he's doing at the library.

I bought a bunch of small items, including:

• Highlighters
• Post-It notes
• Fun writing pens
• Notation clips for his textbooks
• Mini Chicago playing cards
• Snacks (nutsnacks, etc... HA!)
• Lots of candy
• Little plastic toys like whistles & kazoos
• Magnets (1 from a roadtrip to Tennessee and one with a skull & banner that says, "A Pirate's Life" just because whenever I thought about it being on his fridge, I'd literally laugh out loud)
• Party poppers (those bottle-popping confetti things)
• A shot glass

...and most importantly:

• Assorted mini-liquor bottles
• Tylenol

The pile of goodness all laid out:

Then, I shoved it ALL in this piñata and shipped it off:

It was so much fun putting this together for him, and he loved it. He was even going to keep the donkey around & give it a name. Now, THAT'S love.

Happy birthday, Will! You're the best!

*Unskinny Bop's totally-appropriate-for-a-wedding-reception video & lyrics:


My favorite line: "Like gasoline you wanna pump me". Pure poetry, baby.

Unskinny Bop by Poison
What's got you so jumpy? Why can't you sit still, yeah?
Like gasoline you wanna pump me
And leave me when you get your fill, yeah

Every time I touch you honey you get hot
I want to make love you never stop
Come up for air you push me to the floor
What's been going on in that head of yours?

(chorus)
Unskinny bop, just blows me away
Unskinny bop bop. All night and day
Unskinny bop bop bop bop, She just loves to play
Unskinny bop , nothin' more to say

You look at me so funny
Love bite go you acting oh so strange
You got too many bees in your honey
Am I just another word in your page, yeah, yeah

(chorus)

You're sayin' my love won't do ya, but that ain't love written on your face
Well honey I can see right through ya
We'll see whose ridin' who at the end of the race

What's right? What's wrong? What's left?
What the hell is going on?


**Not a euphemism, but it totally should be

****

Winnebago Man

I'm not just a movie junkie, I'm also a documentary freak. I think the idea of documentaries makes some people turn up their noses because they equate it with SNOOZEFEST. I always say that if you like reality TV, you'll probably like documentaries. Sure, some are better or more interesting than others, but I can honestly say I've never seen one that I didn't like or learn something from.

I've known about Jack Rebney for a couple of years, after seeing one of the videos of his Winnebago commercial bloopers on YouTube. They are absolute tear-jerkers. You will laugh until you cry, which is one of the greatest things to do with your time. Or, rather, with mine.

Imagine my delight when I heard someone made a documentary about him!

The dude swears like a trucker, so if you have sensitivities about that, don't bother watching this trailer.

"I don't want any more bullshit from anyone, that includes me!"

Oh, it's glorious, isn't it?

I'm counting the days until July 9th.

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Outlawfully wed

Ladies (and some of you men out there):

I give* you Jesse James.

Would I like to gnaw on his biceps for a couple of hours? Yes, please.


He cleans up nicely, too. Rawr!



Click here to follow me on Twitter!


*It's more like I'm dangling him in front of you. You're welcome.

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This is more a need than a want

I haven't seen Star Wars in at least 20 years, but man, oh man... I really want need one of these hanging in my living room:


Note the hairless cat!


I've already e-mailed the artist Maya Gohill to see how much prints will be. In the meantime, I'm looking for people interested in buying one of my kidneys, just in case it comes to that.

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A.) Things I won't be doing in this post, and B.) Why:

A.) Making references to blowing or eating.

B.) Because I'm a lady*.


Full story on my Piven birthday cake HERE. Thanks, Missy! You're the bomb!



*Why does everybody always laugh when I say that?!

Emphasis on "Bone"

At Mr. Spriggs BBQ, the meat falls off the bone, alright...



I have a feeling you don't send your woman to Mr. Spriggs for some ribs BY HERSELF. He might satisfy everything else along with her hunger, if you know what I'm sayin' and I think you do. 

Somebody light me a cigarette*!




*I don't smoke, but after a commercial like this one, I might**!

**Not really.

Daily Tweets: Boner Party* Edition

*Boner Party= A celebration of all things boner worthy.

• Pink Martini 2009 tour dates (the first leg of the tour, anyway) are up. GO SEE THEM LIVE, YOU WILL LOVE IT!


• Hoping to warm my shivering self, I took a shower so hot there was no discernable temperature change when Javier Bardem got in & joined me.


• Being this cold, even w/ a heater 5 feet from me can't be healthy. WHY DO I LIVE HERE?! Remembering how hot I was in Key West isn't helping.


• Under blankets on my couch. Wool socks, hoodie + space heater in use. Leaving in 10 minutes for the day. Wonder if it's warmer outside.


• It's not. And...AND I spent 15 minutes clearing snow off my car. Snow that we weren't supposed to get til tomorrow. I need to move to Key West.


• The 1st time I've been warm in the past week: Shopping nearby, a 72-year old man refers to his wife as, "My sweetheart of 51 years". Awww!


• ""Rock of Love Bus" AKA "Herpes on Wheels" is starting up soon, and yes I'll totally be tuning in. "HEY-OHH! Cast member Samantha=Sally O'Malley, because she likes to kick, punch and KIIIIICK!


• I need a butler. Or an assistant. And maybe to suddenly & without warning become independently wealthy. You know, the simple things.


• You know what's awesome? Spilling a large hot chocolate all over your carpet shortly after spilling a glass of wine all over your couch. Tonight, I fail at beverages.


• Oh MAN! Just missed a call from Dial-A-Stranger! Totally bummed b/c I love their podcast. Hope they try again.


• Should be washing dishes but life is short. Lit some nag champa, poured wine & watching old fave The Big Lebowski. Like The Dude, I abide.



• Brian Austin Green is about to be on Jimmy Kimmel. What year is this, 1991?


• My apologies to you, Brian Austin Green. You may be wearing an old man sweater, but hot damn, other than that you're looking pretty good.


• Oh Brian Austin Green, you just extinguished the fire of your hotness by admitting you have a ferret. Way to rain on my boner party.

RSVP to the boner party here!