Daily Tweets: Boner Party* Edition

*Boner Party= A celebration of all things boner worthy.

• Pink Martini 2009 tour dates (the first leg of the tour, anyway) are up. GO SEE THEM LIVE, YOU WILL LOVE IT!


• Hoping to warm my shivering self, I took a shower so hot there was no discernable temperature change when Javier Bardem got in & joined me.


• Being this cold, even w/ a heater 5 feet from me can't be healthy. WHY DO I LIVE HERE?! Remembering how hot I was in Key West isn't helping.


• Under blankets on my couch. Wool socks, hoodie + space heater in use. Leaving in 10 minutes for the day. Wonder if it's warmer outside.


• It's not. And...AND I spent 15 minutes clearing snow off my car. Snow that we weren't supposed to get til tomorrow. I need to move to Key West.


• The 1st time I've been warm in the past week: Shopping nearby, a 72-year old man refers to his wife as, "My sweetheart of 51 years". Awww!


• ""Rock of Love Bus" AKA "Herpes on Wheels" is starting up soon, and yes I'll totally be tuning in. "HEY-OHH! Cast member Samantha=Sally O'Malley, because she likes to kick, punch and KIIIIICK!


• I need a butler. Or an assistant. And maybe to suddenly & without warning become independently wealthy. You know, the simple things.


• You know what's awesome? Spilling a large hot chocolate all over your carpet shortly after spilling a glass of wine all over your couch. Tonight, I fail at beverages.


• Oh MAN! Just missed a call from Dial-A-Stranger! Totally bummed b/c I love their podcast. Hope they try again.


• Should be washing dishes but life is short. Lit some nag champa, poured wine & watching old fave The Big Lebowski. Like The Dude, I abide.



• Brian Austin Green is about to be on Jimmy Kimmel. What year is this, 1991?


• My apologies to you, Brian Austin Green. You may be wearing an old man sweater, but hot damn, other than that you're looking pretty good.


• Oh Brian Austin Green, you just extinguished the fire of your hotness by admitting you have a ferret. Way to rain on my boner party.

RSVP to the boner party here!

Twick or Tweet: The VMA-Suckfest Edition

Sunday night was the VMAs, otherwise known as the biggest waste of time in the history of history, and trust me when I tell you that I've wasted some time in my life. It. Was. Horrible. Keep in mind that I am a VH1 reality show junkie, so my bar is a lot lower than most some (ok, maybe none?) of you when it comes to a certain kind of entertainment, so if I found the VMAs boring, you might have caused yourself physical harm just to escape the awfulness of it all.

Poor Russell Brand, who is actually a very funny comedian from the UK, was forced into hosting the show in a "We're-Live-So-I-Can't-Say-Anything-We-Can-Get-Fined-For" act that was so boring and not-original that I nearly weeped. If you do a search on his life thus far, you'll see that the man has lots of edgy things to talk about from experience, and when he's getting paid to do his regular stand-up act, the results are hilarious. Unfortunately none of that was clear during the VMAs. I'm sure MTV had his man parts on lockdown until after the show, just in case he went off the predetermined script, which mostly consisted of commenting on how amazing every terrible act was.

There was a point during the show that I actually started yelling at my TV, and that point came when Christina Aguilera, the only performer with the actual gift of song, lip-synched. What kind of world are we living in when she's up on stage with an unnecessary microphone? As talented as she is when allowed to let sound emit from her throat, she could really use some practice on faking it because nobody was fooled. It was so bad that it seemed on purpose. I even theorized that for some reason MTV forced her to lip-sync and doing it badly was her act of rebellion, like how all her piercings used to be.

So, it sucked. There were only 2 things I really enjoyed about that night. Snarky text messaging with my friends throughout and LL Cool J, who performed "Goin' Back to Cali" on a side stage. How that man can always look so delicious is a mystery to me, but I'll have more to say on him later, including a very funny conversation with one of my friends about his new clothing line.

You'll note that I haven't mentioned the second-coming of Britney yet, and that's because it was totally over-hyped. She looks good, her teeth are so white they're nearly blue... all of that. I hope she keeps getting her life together, but really, whatever.

In the meantime, here are the public tweets I sent to Twitter from that night. Even if they aren't the most exciting things you've ever read, they are leaps and bounds about the actual show in entertainment value. You're welcome.

• Russell Brand's introduction to America has begun! Right after the overexposed Rhianna, that is.



• Oh yay, Rihanna will perform again! I know when I'll jump in the shower. 



• I'm pretty sure Jamie Foxx thinks he's in charge of MTV. At least he was yelling, "WAKE UP! WAKE UP!" at everybody in the audience instead of doing another Ray impression.



• Chris Brown would like to thank MTV for allowing his grandmother, Demi Moore, to present him with his award.



• Wake me up when The Jonas Brothers break into a steamy cover of Joe Cocker's 'Leave your Hat on'.



• So far the best part of the VMAs have been the private text messages b/w my friends & I on The Jonas Brothers apparent a-sexuality. Seriously. They don't even give off a vibe!



• Pussycat Dolls should stick to shaking their moneymakers. Not much of a future in public speaking. Course, nobody was listening anyway.



• Sharon Osbourne is hosting a season of 'Rock of Love Charm School'. Thanks VH1! I almost forgive you for all that Rihanna.



• Paramore's 'Misery Business' always makes me want to kick someone's teeth out. In a good way. Not yours, don't worry!



• @goldenfiddle Katy Perry can't be Zooey Deschannel because Zooey Deschannel is Katy Perry.



• Question: How great would it be if Slipknot was really The Jonas Brothers? Answer: SO GREAT.



• Jordin Sparks, onstage w/ John Legend, just said "not every guy & girl want to be sluts!" Judging by his face, this was news to John Legend.



• What am I more sick of than Rihanna? That 'Numa Numa' track sampled in her new single.



• Tokio Hotel's lead singer sure is a pretty girl. What's that, you say? Oh, I mean pretty guy.



• I would really enjoy some alone time with LL Cool J. 



• Fool me once MTV, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Never again, VMAs. You suck.

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Twick or Tweet

• I've had a comedy crush on Russell Brand since I saw his act 3 years ago. Excited MTV hired him to host VMAs! tinyurl.com/5t2xjv

• I have "favorited" nearly every single @HenryRollins tweet. I can't help it, the man is just so favoritable. I'm sure the feeling is mutual.


• Michael Phelps booked to host SNL. It's gonna take a Tina Fey miracle to pull that one off. He should stick to being half-naked in pools.


• @melisalw: Of course I'm going to watch. He might spend the entire show half-naked in a pool.


• @hopesmommy: His upper half! See my recent tweet to @TajWanders re: my use of a "Combos™ snack" as a euphemism for something Phelps-related.


• @astrogirl426: As long as he was half-naked, right? I mean, you wouldn't watch him read a soup can label dressed in a turtleneck & sweats!


• I'd vote for the Jack McFarland/Anastasia Beaverhausen ticket in a heartbeat. McCain/Palin? NotSoMuch. tinyurl.com/6gxr9k
  


• Why is it that no matter when I go to leave, my neighbor + his cat are literally at my door hanging out? Scares the F outta me EVERY TIME.


• The last time I frequently used my local post office was over 2 yrs ago, and my favorite counter guys still know me by name. I love that.


• Apple co-creator Steve Job's 17-page obituary accidentally published early. 17 PAGES? They'd save some trees by using the "Sad Mac" icon.


• Pussycat Dolls 2nd single has motherly advice hook beyond 'Careful what u wish for', with: 'If u make a snotty face it'll freeze like that'.


• Will be disappointed in tabloids if none of them use the headline, "JUNEAU!" when reporting the details of Palin's 17 y.o. pregnant daughter.


• How late at nite is too late to start drinking a large iced coffee w/ a shot of espresso? In other news: I'll be awake for the next 48 hrs.


• Espresso took about an hour to kick in. Since then I've been residing in EYESWIDEOPENVILLE, population 1.


• Chicago: You can either storm like hell for next 46 min or wait until after 9 so we don't miss Brenda Walsh's bitchtastic return to 90210.


• The Cubs game is pre-empting 90210? Really? Look out WGN, Shannen Dougherty is gonna kick your baseball-prioritizing ass.


• @kristabella: You feel my pain! I got disgusted with all the "90210 is next!" scrawls during the game AND THEN THE NEWS & gave up. WGN=SUCK.

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