Men take note: Internet search engines have me figured out.

This will be a very proud moment for my parents!

I'm always interested in seeing the how people who don't know me personally make their way to my blog, so I have a meter listing that kind of information. I never imagined how many different ways people would find their way here, and recently one in particular stood out in the crowd begging for some attention.

The words highlighted are what someone in Cali (There is more bounce in California!) typed into a search engine before finding their way here:


"blog on male crotches"

The actual post their search led them to doesn't even have the words "male crotches" in it (though admittedly, and this will be no surprise to anyone, it does apply), so I'm not quite sure how that particular post was chosen by the search engine, unless the search engine is a subscriber to my RSS feed, and has a very good grasp of the underlying tone of this blog as a whole.

So, here it is, friends, the post you would otherwise (possibly) wonder about, the one that my newest California subscriber (whoever you are, I like you for your ability to cut to the chase of your search terminology!) must have found suitable for whatever purpose they had in mind:

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Lead-based paint good for something: killing irreverent humor, also "the mood".

Utah, I didn't know you had it in you! Who knew that you could have your mind in the gutter like the rest of the states? This makes me really like you, Utah; and you should definitely call me.

(If you have trouble playing the video, double-click on either "play" arrow)

The anchor on the left has the best unintentional innuendo ever: "There's nothing to see, nothing to see!" to which I'm sure the anchor on the right wants to say, "Oh hell yes, there is."

If newscasts were always this entertaining, maybe my generation would actually bother to watch on a nightly basis. You hear that, Katie Couric?

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Utah, I didn't know you had it in you! was originally posted on November 15th, 2007.

Deviled eggs anyone?

Tomatoes for roasting? $4. Getting hounded into coming home with 36 eggs when 18 is more than enough? Priceless.

I typically have very little in my refrigerator because things tend to spoil faster than I can get to them, and I usually just buy what I'm actually going to use over the course of a week. This totally freaks my mom out whenever she comes up for a visit. She doesn't understand what life is on the daily without having to spend 25 minutes trying to cram that 7th package of cream cheese in somewhere. Maybe if I stack the milk on top of that casserole, or if I can shove the 5 pound block of cheddar in the freezer... Yeah, that's not how it is at my place.

Something I make a lot of is oven-roasted tomatoes, because they're easy and delicious with practically everything, especially my favorite panino sandwich. I hit the grocery store over the weekend and found hothouse tomatoes on sale: $1/pound. I got about 4 pounds because at that price, you can roast up a ton and then freeze what you won't use in the short term. Another thing on my list was a carton of eggs. Instead of a dozen, I got a carton of 18 because I needed several for a recipe I was making for a friend's party.

So, I was going through the checkout line when the older woman behind me asks, "Whatcha gonna make with all those tomatoes?", to which I recounted the simple roasting recipe. She gave me an approving little nod just about the time the checker ran the eggs through the scanner and told me that the cartons of 18 eggs were buy one, get one free; and did I want to go ahead and get the 2nd (free) carton. I didn't realize they were on sale, but regardless I have no need for 36 eggs. Even if I decided to make multiple cakes for friends and neighbors, that is just too many to have on hand. I could see myself late one night, thinking of the extra eggs going to waste, and would probably end up boiling them all and eating way too many deviled eggs over a very short time span and then never wanting to see another deviled egg as long as I lived; which brought me to the conclusion that if I ever felt that way about deviled eggs there would be no point to go on living.

I politely declined the checker's offer to get the additional 18 eggs and immediately felt the weight of disapproval coming from the tomato lady behind me. Then I heard someone further back in the line yell, "Girl, you better get those eggs! They're FREE! What's the matter with you? You're spending all that money on tomatoes and then go and turn down FREE eggs? Girl, you're a foodist." 

I think she meant that in a bad way.


House of Jules Roasted Tomatoes:
4 tomatoes, sliced 1/4" thick
1/2 teaspoon sea or kosher salt
1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
1/2 cup balsamic vinegar

Preheat oven to 275 degrees F. Line a baking tray with foil and very lightly coat with olive oil before placing sliced tomatoes down. Keep in mind that overlapped tomatoes will take longer to roast, so spread them out as much as you can. Season with salt and pepper, then drizzle or spoon 1/2 of the balsamic vinegar over tomatoes. It won't seem like enough, but you want the tomatoes to roast, so don't use more vinegar than the recipe calls for. Bake for 30 minutes, then drizzle the remaining vinegar over tomatoes, cooking for an additional 30-45 minutes, checking on them several times along the way. Transfer to a bowl and keep covered in the refrigerator for up to 3 days. These are great on salads, in omelets, by themselves and especially on my favorite panini (see below), though to be honest you could probably put them on an old leather shoe and it would taste great (I have not actually tried that, though). This recipe, which makes approximately 2 cups of roasted tomatoes, can be doubled (tripled even!) and you can freeze what you won't use in the short term.

Cafe Ino's Americano Panini:

Makes 4.
2 boneless, skinless chicken breasts
2 teaspoons extra virgin olive oil
salt
freshly ground black pepper
4 ciabatta rolls
16 slices oven-roasted tomatoes
1 cup baby arugula leaves, roughly chopped into 1/2" strips
1/2 lemon
4 oz. asiago cheese, (usually found at the specialty cheese counter) thinly sliced with a vegetable peeler (that's my little trick!)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Wash and pat dry (that step is really important!) chicken breasts. Place on a foil-lined baking tray. Rub each with a teaspoon of olive oil and season with salt & pepper. Bake for 15-18 minutes until opaque and firm to the touch. Slicing across the breast, cut chicken into 1/8" slices. Preheat panini grill (if you don't have a panini grill, you can use whatever pan you make grilled cheeses in, with an additional plate or pan weighed down with a couple of heavy cans for the top part of your home-rigged 'press'). Slice off the rounded part of the tops of the ciabatta rolls. Rolls should now be about 1" thick. Split horizontally. Cover the bottom halves of the rolls with an even layer of sliced chicken. Follow with a layer of oven-roasted tomatoes. Season with salt & pepper before adding the chopped arugula. Give each a squeeze of lemon juice and top with a layer of thin asiago slices. Cover with the top of the ciabatta roll and place, two at a time, in the preheated grill with the lid on top. They are done when you can smell the cheese, about 3 minutes.

I do not recommend putting deviled eggs on this sandwich.

My mom has been unknowingly training for a contest like this her entire life; would have smoked the competition

For her, the chocolate would have been prize enough.

Chocolate-covered Jeep contest licked
Seven sweet toothed consumers created a scene when they licked their way through more than 700 pounds of chocolate in the "Sweetest Day the Jeep Way" challenge in Cleveland.

After licking her way through a chocolate-covered Jeep grill and searching through more than 45,000 pieces of wrapped candy, Anne Gemkow of Chicago tasted victory, winning an all-new 2008 Jeep Liberty 4x4 with Sky Slider™ roof. "I never thought my sweet tooth would actually come in handy," said Gemkow.

Gemkow stuck it out and drove home with a new Jeep and probably a sore tongue.

Probably? Probably a sore tongue? Good reporting, Associated Press!



Oh, this guy is NOT messing around. He must be thinking about how sore his tongue will be later... you know, probably.


source

Now all that's left to do is wait for the e-mail from Javier Bardem. He's probably typing it up right now, or maybe he's ordering me some flowers.

After Wednesday's post, I got an email from the gentleman who created the drool-worthy Transit Maps of the World book, Mark Ovenden. Not only is he very talented in design and cartography, but he's also good at crafting a hilarious e-mail!


You're not alone, Mark! People always marvel at my ability to drool effervescently on such diverse subjects.


After recovering from a fit of laughter, I wrote him back:


Let it be known to one and all that I take very seriously both the studies and appreciation of graphic design and spanish hunkology. I've been kind of a trailblazer in that realm for a long time and I don't think people give me enough credit for it, to be honest.**

**Just kidding, people give me PLENTY of credit, or shall I say "crédito".

CLICK HERE for Wednesday's post that Mark refers to in his e-mail to me.

Things said to me in conversation with friends down south; also see: "Things you'd never hear in Chicago"

These are just 4 of the many charmingly southern things said to me this week while visiting very charming southern friends. They actually say things like this in everyday conversation. Really.

1) "Man, I'm dying for some pimento cheese!"

2) "Go three clicks west until you see a black dog tied to the wheel well of a rusted out monster truck, and then take a left."

3) "You can gitchoo some sweet tea at Mac-Donald's."

4) "Hey Darlin'!"

When I get back home I'll miss hearing #4 the most. By far.

I only wish it was longer!

That's what he said.


Do those obsessed female "Claymates" cheering in the audience STILL think one day he's going to be interested in any of them? Even after seeing this? Really? WOW.


One video leads to the next. I laughed for 2 minutes straight (no pun intended) after watching this 8-second video titled, "What is Clay thinking?". The fact that whoever uploaded it in slow-motion (meaning that in real-time, this actually took about 1.5 seconds) is hilarious.

You'll watch this twice, trust me. "Claymates" are advised to watch it at least 4 times.

Finally, gentlemen! A show you & your lady can agree on; though admittedly for different reasons

The Discovery Channel's Dirty Jobs.

Probably due to the back-to-back summer reruns of Dirty Jobs, recently 4 of my female friends have--on separate occasions--brought up this show, and namely, their attraction to the show's host Mike Rowe. Reading this post will be the first time they'll find out about this--their (our?) shared adoration of the ultimate "Dirty Guy". I know my phone will ring in the next few hours and there will be grown women demanding to know who their competition is. Two have claimed him as their very own future husband, one wants to make him her desktop wallpaper at work, and one wants to make him do something kinda *naughty.

Here's an example of one of the emails from a couple of days ago:

Now that I think of it, they ALL want to make him do something *naughty, but only one has the foresight to remind her co-workers to ask about it when they see her computer screen.


*...and by "naughty", I could just mean "landscaping"; but honestly, probably not.


*Ok, by "naughty" I meant "cook naked (under an apron)". It's a good start, anyway.

So, enjoy an evening devoid of fighting over the remote, and don't get jealous. You know that YOU'RE her favorite "Dirty Guy".


Dirty Jobs airs Tuesdays at 9 p.m. New episodes start soon!