Worth 1000 Words

Or a gajillion dollars, not sure which.




As a child addict of Smokey & The Bandit and Cannonball Run movies, the awesomeness of this image is pretty much the only thing getting me through the past 2 weeks.


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AWOOGA!

My friends & I all watch Keeping up with the Kardashians. At first it was kind of as a joke, but there is just something about that entire family that turned us all into addicts. Bruce Jenner and the way he gets continually disrespected for one... but let's not go down that road, because I really like Bruce Jenner. Turns out I also kinda like everyone else in that crazy family; while simultaneously wanting to tell them all to shut the hell up.

Of the 3 sisters, Khloe has always been my favorite. She's seemingly the most down-to-earth one of the entire bunch (with the exception of brother Rob, but he's a dude and is hardly ever on the show) and says exactly what she's thinking exactly when she thinks it. There was an entire show based around how she was convinced she was adopted, stemming from how different from the rest of the family she's always been. I think she could totally hang out with my friends & I, while Kim, Kourtney and their mom Kris go spend money at Versace, is all I'm sayin'.

Last night was the big 2-hour Khloe & Lamar Odom engagement/wedding episode. Lamar, if you don't already know, is an L.A. Laker.

I usually don't really care about people's engagement/wedding rings. I mean, I will compliment you on yours and will genuinely be happy for you; but I'm not moved by the size of the rock on your finger. I know too many women who wear pretty rings but have ugly marriages. That's real talk right there.

So, when Lamar proposed to her and the camera focused on the ringbox, I actually had an unexpected eye-popping moment:


I have never had that reaction to a ring. Other things*? Yes. Jewelry? No.


Judge all you want about the fact that they got married only one month after they met... the man can sure pick out an engagement ring:


AWOOGA!

I don't know if the marriage will last, but diamonds? Diamonds are forever! Or so they say.


*Ask me about my 25th birthday sometime. Unless you're my parents. Then, don't.

photo source

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Or Somefin' or Nofin'

When I read this ridiculous blurb from People.com yesterday:


I immediately thought of one of my favorite Little Britain characters:

Little Britain's Matt Lucas as Vicky Pollard

I can't think of anything that describes Jon + Kate's need to keep going public with their drama better than, "Yeah, but no, but yeah, but no, but yeah....or somefin', or nofin'."

It's probably better that I haven't done this

The fam & I spent a good part of Saturday at my older nephew's Lacrosse tournament. He plays for The Warriors and at every match I say, I didn't bring bottles to clank together but... Warriors, come out to play-ee-aye!".

Unfortunately, nobody else gets that 80's movie reference, and that makes me shed a little tear. I even put it up on Twitter, and someone (who will remain anonymous unless he outs himself in the comments) guessed that I was referring to a scene in the Disney movie Pollyanna, which was such a hilariously awesome guess because of it's polar opposite themes that I'm still laughing to myself about it. Sadly, he came the closest when it came to throwing out guesses.

The Warriors is a terrible classic. Terrible. But, like I said, classic.

The lacrosse season ended on Saturday, but since I'm posting the actual scene from the movie I have high hopes that someone will bring three bottles for my clanking purposes to the first match this coming spring!


I'm much cuter than this creep when I reenact this scene, trust me.


Some of you may recognize the head Warrior as the main character from Xanadu!

MAHBOOB, MAHDRANK, MAHBABY and now... MAHMOVIE

This particular blog post is not only in celebration of my completing 30 posts in 30 days for NaBloPoMo, but it's also important for those who care about winning the next World Series of Pop Culture, like I do. I'm always in training, you know.

I'll ease you into this uncomfortable-for-some-people subject, by sharing this delightful tweet exchange with Taj back in April:



Earlier this week I drove by it again, so I took a photo as evidence:


Best salon name ever.

Everytime you think about MAHBOOBs today, I hope you remember to tune in and watch Britney Spears: For the Record on MTV tonight. Just in case you're rooting for her with your hands partially covering your eyes like MAHBOOBs and I are.

Lady looks like a dude*

*This is merely an observation, not a criticism.

At first glance, I thought this was an ad for Madonna's latest live-in-concert DVD:


Because it very-much-reminded me of this April 2008 photo shoot she did for Interview Magazine :


Then I did a double take and realized it was actually an ad for The Wrestler, starring Mickey Rourke:


Though he may be guilty of entirely too much plastic surgery, the man is still very much a dude. Madonna, who may be guilty of entirely too many arm curls, is still very much Madonna.

What's Tom Wilson like? He's funny!

I've always gotten excited for my nephews to reach certain ages/maturity levels so I can share the movies I loved when I was younger. They've seen too many to list, but favorites over the years have included Sandlot, The Goonies, Karate Kid, Back to the Future and most recently, Monty Python & The Holy Grail. They have, without fail, loved everything I've offered up as pop culture from the past. YAY me!

I came across this video of Tom Wilson over the weekend and almost died from shock that the man who played total jerk-off Biff in Back to the Future is, in real life, a hilarious stand-up comedian. WOW, he really was only acting!

Double-click on either "play" arrow if you have trouble with the video. The color is wonky for the first 4 seconds and then straightens itself out!



His reaction to the Crispin Glover question will make me laugh ALL day!

A good excuse to work "I'm here to PUMP (clap) YOU UP!" into your next conversation

I know posts have been kind of lacking around here lately, but I've been busy. Not busy in the patronizing way, as if to say snootily and with a feigned Madonna-British accent, "I'm much too busy for this sort of trivial internette task", but busy in the way that I've had things going on away from home and computer, or busy in the way that my head has been consumed with thoughts and conversations I can't put on blast because several people would kill me so hard that I'd die the death. You know, that kind of busy.

It's not just that I've been social butterfly-flitting around even more than usual, but it doesn't help that I have 4 posts in the works--none of which are finished yet. If you want to know how successful that can be, it's exactly like reading 4 books concurrently; it takes much longer to get to the end of each of them, and it's all you can do not to chuck them all out the proverbial window and do a happy dance. My plan is to get some of that frustration out in other ways (HEY-OH!) so I can wrap a couple of them up in time for your enjoyment next week.

Until then, I have the following gem for you. First, you should know that I couldn't care less about Katherine Heigl's career but that's mostly because I think she's a total douche. I know everyone doesn't feel that way (sorry, Swishy!) but I say RELEASE THE HOUNDS, and by "hounds", I mean Heigl from her torturous contract at Grey's Anatomy, a contract that I assume isn't paying her enough to support her smoking habit. Oooh, burn!

Also, I haven't watched GA since the end of the first season... technically I watched the entire first season and the first episode of the 2nd season, but I could just smell the suck factor so I dropped it like a bad habit. It sounds more harsh than it was but life is too short to sit through TV shows that aren't doing it for me. I don't have DVR, so I sit through commercials. Which means I don't take my TV shows lightly. Commercials=commitment. Besides, if someday I feel the need to revisit a show, I'll just get the DVDs from Netflix. What did I ever do without Netflix?

Where was I? Oh yes, Katherine Heigl. Whether you like her or not, this headline is enjoyable on a level that doesn't even relate to the future of her character on the show, because when I read it, I heard California's Governor in my head:



Double-click either "play" arrow if you have trouble with the video:

"It's NOT a tuma! It's not a tuma... at all!"


Enjoy a tuma-free weekend!

You know she has a Kitty Carryall flask

I'm pretty sure "Drank Too Much Wine" might be the best news caption ever. I am going to make shirts for a few of my friends with that exact same sentiment on it. Okay, I'll probably make one for myself, too, but only because I'm a good friend and don't want them to feel bad.

Click HERE to watch the news report, and hear Cindy's Susan's explanation. My favorite part is the kooky radio DJ, who apparently thinks that The Bradys are a real family and that Susan Olsen is still 6 years old. He's absolutely incredulous that Cindy Brady (Cindy! Brady!) could be hungover. With the shiftiest eyes since Felix the Cat, he demands to know, "What happened? I mean seriously Susan, what happened?"

I know some of you will need one of those t-shirts tomorrow. Better put your orders in with me now, so you won't have to spend all that time explaining yourself.

That's the last time THESE two party together!

I have a hunch that just before the injury, Ms. Temple was heard yelling, "Lindsay, stop ordering me around... and put down that claw-cracker! How many times do I have to say I'M NOT A LOBSTER, you idiot!"

*HOLLYWUD CONNECSHUNZ... I HAZ THEM!!!* (UPDATED!)

(*In case you didn't already know, that headline is LOLcat speak!)

Can you guess what movie star I got some exclusive photos of based on this cropped shot featuring his flair for accessorizing?

No, it's not my husband Jeremy Piven!

There are no prizes involved besides bragging rights, which to some of us is actually better than a prize anyway. Leave your guesses in the comments.

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UPDATEZ! I HAZ THEM!

WOW, those were some really good guesses, you guys! The most absurd interesting guess didn't even make it into the comments. A certain man said with all the confidence in the world (he was SO sure that he was correct that he seemed utterly BORED by the guessing-game), "It's obviously Ian Astbury!". (If you aren't up on the post-punk brit rock from the early 90's, he was the lead singer of The Cult. This assertion made me laugh so hard and for so long that it turned into one of those silent laughs, in which you at some point decide to either somehow STOP laughing or you just go ahead and stop breathing. Obviously Ian Astbury! That. Is. Hilarious.)


So, it's Johnny Depp, which most of you guessed from his vast array of neck-wear. He has been shooting around the midwest for a couple of weeks and recently he was in one of my favorite small towns, Darlington, Wisconsin. One of my good friends from college has a long family history in Darlington, and she is now raising HER children there. It's such a close-knit community that several years ago when I called the local florist to order Danielle some flowers, I gave her name and then started giving the delivery address. The florist cut me off and said, "I know where Danielle lives!" Tiny town, big heart! Anyway, I knew my good friend would have the scoop for me (and for YOU!), word and sound travels fast in Darlington.


Whaaat? JD in D-ton? Time to call my remote correspondent, Danielle. She'll have all the gossip for me!


Saying that Danielle was less-than-impressed to have a movie star in her hometown is overplaying her emotions. When I excitedly called her, I could FEEL her rolling her eyes at me. She was basically the only one in town not hyped, though. Her friends and family either watched some of the filming at the courthouse, were extras, and one even got the incredible photos I'm about to share with you. Danielle was so bored with all the Hollywood commotion that when she sent me the photos, she made sure to tell me that she was sleeping soundly at the time they were taken. Her Aunt Suzi even got to present Johnny with the key to the city, as you'll see in that last photo. At least SOMEBODY in the family was showing him some respect!


©House of Jules. I had to put my big HOJ stamp across the photos so nobody stole them. I'M TALKING TO YOU, PEREZ HILTON!

He was down to earth, gracious and especially kind to the kids, asking if they liked Captain Jack without the beard. I'm glad I wasn't there, I probably would have knocked the adorable children over to get that kind of attention from Don Juan DeMarco.

I dare you to tell Brooke Shields & I apart!

Brooke Shields and I have SO much in common! For starters, there is the whole getting marooned on a beautiful island-thing, letting nothing get between us and our Calvins, attending Princeton University, starring in our own 90's sitcom, and marrying hot Hollywood players.

Except for the fact that she's 8 years my senior, on some days we also have this in common:


Oh, Brooke... you're so relatable!

I swear I just got a contact high from reading this exciting announcement, and so will you.

What he doesn't say is that they actually made their baby out of special herbs, some rolling papers and a few handfuls of play-doh.

From People.com:

Matthew McConaughey and girlfriend Camila Alves are expecting a child, the actor announced Tuesday on his Web site.

"My girlfriend Camila and I made a baby together," McConaughey writes. "It's 3 months growin in her womb and all looks healthy and lively so far. We are stoked and wowed by this miracle of creation and this gift from God, and so excited for the adventure that will come in raising this child, being mother and a father, and shepherding him or her through this life."

McConaughey adds: "Wish us the best, keep us in your prayers, and God bless evolution. Thanks for being fans of me and my work and now this new and miraculous chapter in my life, as me and Camila and our child do our best to just keep living."

He signs his message, "Wow, McConaughey."

McConaughey, 38, met Alves, 24, a Brazilian model whose family moved to L.A. when she was young, more than a year ago."

You'd think my favorite part of this news would be that he works in his best movie line ever, "just keep living" (which is from his breakout role in Dazed and Confused; and is even the name of his film production company!), but what got me really going was the last sentence, because it reads like his girlfriend and her family moved to Los Angeles MORE THAN A YEAR AGO when she was 22 & a half and "still young". You know, instead of the 24 year-old hag she is now.

"You just gotta keep livin', man. L-I-V-I-N."

Anyway, congrats to Matt and his old lady! Now pass the Doritos™ because I'm about to get the munchies.

Ain't Lookin' for nothing but a good time...and it don't get better than this, Part 2

This is going to be truly distasteful & offensive. I can't wait.

I hope you have your dollar bills ready to make it rain because in less than one hour VH1 is kicking off Rock of Love Season 2! This time around it looks like Bret's wig got upgraded and the ho-bag factor is going to be off the charts. It's so trashy, and all of my friends are going to be watching it right along with me. I love that.

If you missed my post on Rock of Love's first season, you have definitely missed out on some major scoopage; so please click here to read it. Last season, a group of us made a friendly little wager after the first episode to see if anyone could pick the one Bret would end up with, and I won a hefty stack of singles (which I plan to throw at my TV later tonight) because I pegged Jess in the first 20 minutes. Sure, they didn't stay together but c'mon, who really thought that Bret was going to find love on VH1? I don't think even Bret believes it, but it might make for some good song writing. Let's see, what rhymes with "I fell in love with a hooker"?

I spent too much money after that finale buying old Poison songs on iTunes because I only had their music on vinyl. I went so crazy that I even bought their cover of Justin Timberlake's Sexyback. Right after that my friends staged an intervention. By the way, in all-matters-glam-rock, my opinion cannot be trusted because I have a love-hate relationship with the genre. I mean, I definitely love their take on Sexyback, but I also hate that I love it. It's complicated. I do have quite a history with Poison, though, so I tend to give them a pass on any harsh remarks.

Not to threaten you with a good time, but you can listen to Bret & company's version of Sexyback for yourself and make up your own mind by clicking here. I highly recommend giving it a listen. Even if you hate it, you're going to love it.

Sorry to cut this short, but I have to get my hair all teased up and my clear platform heels on before the show starts. I'm bringing Sexyback, too, you know.

What it means, my good friend, is that we are not alone!

Back in April, I posted about the Scott Baio dreams I've had. Yes, you read that right. I just wrote that I have had dreams (plural!) about Scott Baio. Give yourself a moment to take that in. I'll wait.

So, tonight I got this email from my very good friend Em:

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I just ran across my journals from 1989/90, the year I was in Norway. I had to email you when I read my own words from August 9, 1989:

"Very relaxing day today. Got up around 10:30. I was dreaming about Scott Baio, for some reason..."

Weird, huh? I tried to find the post you had written about your Scott Baio dreams, thinking how FREAKY it would have been had we been visited by him on the same night in August. But I couldn't find it.

Jules, what does it all mean????
---

It means that we can't possibly be the only ones, Em! There's no way these Scott Baio dreams are isolated incidences, and I encourage those of you who have also spent some of your sleeping hours with him-- as Chachi, Charles in Charge, or himself-- to open up here in the comments. We can form some kind of wacky dream support group, you know, do precisely the kind of thing that Al Gore envisioned when he invented the internet.


I can only hope that tonight I'll be sucking face with The Fonz, after which he will surely say, "Ayyyyyyy!".


As a show of solidarity, here is a hotlink to the original post of my Scott Baio dreams: click here. May it inspire you to leave a comment with details from your own Scott Baio dream!

Charles in Charge of my days and my nights... and probably yours too.

Michael K. has PhD in Snarkology

With headlines and captions like the following, Michael K. of my favorite entertainment website D-listed continues his snark-with-a-smile hold on me.


The 'dead cat' caption is a running theme on what Michael thinks Travolta's front hairpiece is made of, but the real comedy gold is that headline: Oldback Mountain!

Cobra Kai never die! Do you have a problem with that?

Remember those Cobra Kai D-bags from The Karate Kid? Well, they're back and they actually have a sense of humor about themselves!


Cobra Kai never die, they just go on to make hilarious spoof videos!


Thanks to No More Kings, for their excellent video, "Sweep the Leg Johnny". You'll note that the the original cast of Cobra Kai star in it (the body bag guy is STILL! CREEPY!) and there is a VERY SPECIAL GUEST at the end...

"Get him a body bag, Johnny, YEAH!"



A refresher course: the original scene from the movie that they expertly recreated in the video

He doesn't know who you are, Jeremy Piven; and he doesn't like where you're standing very much, either!

Dear Jeremy aka Pivs aka J.P.,
I have some good news and some bad news for you.

In September, my future baby-daddy Todd (McMuffin) & I got back in contact after 20 years of lost touch and because Linda Ronstadt sang a chart-topping, terribly cheesy sweet duet called "Somewhere Out There" in an animated movie about a lost Russian mouse who was trying desperately to find his loved ones, we came to the conclusion that one day we'll have a kid together and name him after the singer Peabo Bryson (which was initially because I thought Peabo was the man dueting with Linda, but I was wrong-- he sang "Tonight I celebrate my Love for You, which actually is just as offensive touching).

I know this might not be making sense, but it'll help if you comprehend the bomb I'm about to drop if you read two short posts, serving as background information. First, click to read: McMuffin 1, then click McMuffin 2.


Now that you know the history, I'm going to break the news to you. Prepare yourself. Maybe take a 10-count deep breath. In through the nose, out through the mouth. Here we go:

The bad news: My future baby-daddy McMuffin found out about us and has e-mailed me his feelings on the subject.

The good news: He has NO IDEA who you are...




Because I realize the male ego is a fragile thing, I know you're probably thinking, "He doesn't know who I am? This is not good news!". However, it is my hope that you choose not to obsess over the fact that you have a lengthy resume in stage, television and motion pictures; including your starring role on Entourage, one of the most successful HBO series of all time (not to mention the collection of Emmys you're currently using as bathroom doorstops throughout your Malibu beach house), and yet, McMuffin was only one of the handful of people who didn't recognize you in the photo(shopped picture) of us.

It's kind of astounding just how many people can't place your name when they ask me who you are, and then when I start firing off everything you've starred in, roles you were seemingly meant to play, these people just shake their heads and have no recollection whatsoever. Nothing you've been in jogs their collective memories. Your face doesn't even remind them of an old college roommate or some random guy they talked to at a bar once.

I know who you are, though, and that's all that matters. Now get over here so we can Hug It Out.

Love, Jules

Ain't lookin' for nothing but a good time...and it don't get better than this*

Sunday night was the finale of VH1's dating show, Rock of Love, starring Bret Michaels of Poison.

It is without shame that I tell you I watched every single episode of this show, and took it for what it was: Nothin' but a good time. Because I actually own Poison records (as in VINYL-- the fact that I'm sharing this with the world further proves I'm shameless) from back in the day, I felt like I would be able to pick out who would either win Bret's heart, or give him the best lap dance, depending on what he was looking for at the end of this series. My friends & I actually had bets going.

For the final 2, he ended up with Jes, the down to earth Midwestern girl with cool hair to match her personality, and Heather, an exotic dancer with stripper-riffic hair. I'm telling you, her hairstyles were so GLORIOUS that I often found myself tossing dollar bills at my TV. Hairspray has never had a better commercial than Heather's 'do on this show.


Thanks to Rich at VH1's Celebrity Blog for these beautiful screen caps of Heather's hair by week.



This might have been her hairstyle for the final elimination, but I'm sure it's not the last we'll see of that over-dyed, dried up, backcombed, damaged hot mess. Or her hair. Bah-dum-bump!


Back when the season first started--before anyone knew who would end up as the final two--I had my money down on Chicago's very own Jes as the winner. I was fairly certain that she was the only girl there who wouldn't kill him in his sleep, but the main reason I told everyone I knew that he'd pick her was because she bears a striking resemblance to Poison's kooky guitar player, C.C. Deville. I can't believe that none of the other entertainment blogs I read have picked up on this yet, but here are 2 examples I put together in Photoshop that prove my point:


A side-by-side comparison. I put CC on a similar background that Jes is on for her 'official' Rock of Love headshot. It's uncanny, right?


Cover art for Poison's debut album, Look What the Cat Dragged In


Can you spot the difference?


By far, the most entertaining girl on the show was perpetually skunk-drunk Tiffany, from the south side of Chicago. South-syyyyyde represent! She was only on for a couple of episodes, but her favorite slurred phrase is stuck in my vernacular forever: "Don't threaten ME with a good time".


Tiffany in her best light. By the way, if you get so drunk that captioning is used so that the viewing audience understands that you're trying to say "Fo' Sho", maybe you've had enough to drink.


Sunday is the reunion episode, which we plan to watch all together. Reality TV reunion episodes are the best because for some of the cast it'll be their last chance at 15 minutes of fame, so they pull out all the stops. Also, since I picked Jes as the winner, I have some money to collect from those suckers my friends. Hey, don't threaten ME with a good time!

Entire universe counting the hours until ex-pop star dances, lip synchs into unnecessary microphone again

I hope you're all stocked up on Cheetoes and Red Bull, for tonight on MTV's Video Music Awards will be the second-coming of lip synch queen Milli Vanilli Britney Spears. Rumor has it that she'll be performing her leaked single, "Gimme More", a song that begins by answering her children's most often asked question of their nannies: "Who's my mommy?

The answer, and opening lyrics to the song? "It's Britney, B**ch."

What's that you say? You don't speak to your kids like that? Well, she's country, ya'll.

In more disturbing exciting performance news... she has been working with Criss Angel to pull off some kind of house of mirrors trickery. I hope at the end of her song he comes swooping down from the rafters and yells, "MINDFREAK! MINDFREAK! MINDFREEEEAAAAKKKKK!"