Pouring honey from a jar, any car in front of me when I'm in a hurry, the current administration coming to an end

What do all of those things have in common with April's Hump of the Month post? The progression is much slower than anyone would like. It's too bad all of these things can't balance themselves out with the supersonic speed at which the past few days have kicked my ass unleashed the motherf**king moonwalk on me. My head is spinning, mostly because of my 11th hour tax adventure on Monday night, which I will not get into because I'm fresh out of vodka.

So, I'm putting Javier's Humpday off to avoid a hastily-written post that doesn't do him justice, because he deserves better than that. This way I can watch the other 2 Bardem movies that just arrived in my mailbox, which will allow for a more informed opinion on his hotness acting. It will also allow the shoulders that used to be at the base of my neck to (maybe, possibly, hopefully?) drop down from the top of my head.

Because it's not my style to leave you high & dry, here's a little somethin'-somethin' that can best explain why sometimes slow & easy is better:


Awww yeah. I'm talking to you, Bardem.

So you can prepare yourselves for Wednesday

Think of today's post as the warm-up (pun intended) for tomorrow's Hump of the Month post featuring my boyfriend, the SMOKIN' HOT Javier Bardem* (Mr. Leather-Smoke-and-Berries himself!); which I have been doing research on forever. You can see proof of that if you scroll down the page to my I JUST WATCHED... section in the sidebar. I have Netflix'd Javier movie after Javier movie (7 so far, not including the ones I've already seen him in), and I still have 3 more coming my way. Most of these movies feature him all sexy and manly and speaking español; showcasing his best features... and if you don't already know which features are his best ones, they are: ALL OF THEM. 

In short, it has been torturous to put myself through these long hours of watching him on my TV, in addition to all the quality time we spend together when he comes over, but it is the length to which I dedicate myself to the Humpday post every month. I do it for you. You're welcome.

So, in that same theme of hot international heat; here is a 3-minute video of someone eating a Bhut Jolokia chili from India, which is the world's hottest pepper. You have to watch this until the end (there's no puking!). His running dialogue and vivid descriptions are cringe-worthy and hilarious (but mostly cringe-worthy). This dude has balls and a sense of humor; neither of which do him any good when the world's hottest pepper unleashes the motherf**king moonwalk:


Double click on either play arrow if you have trouble with the video.

You should now be prepared for the hotness that will be tomorrow's "Putting the Hump in Humpday" post.

*Don't feel the need to mention fish-face's Penelope Cruz's supposed involvement with my boyfriend. I know the press makes it seem like she's dating Javier, but this is a lie perpetuated merely to sell movie tickets. It's sad, really.

Meatloaf would do anything for money (but he won't do that). Oh wait, yes he will.

Disclaimer Caveat: Even though it was released in 1977, Meatloaf's Paradise by the Dashboard Light is a classic for the ages. You cannot argue this point with me and win.

More than 30 years after it's release, Paradise by the Dashboard Light is still being played on every college campus in the country. It was certainly played at every party or bar I went to in college, and each time it came on, my friends and I were suddenly in our own musical. Everything-- beer pong, keg stands, a table full of people playing the card game affectionately known as A-hole, the guitar-playing dudes on the front steps--would stop, and we would all wholeheartedly sing along*. Even the burly, stoic guys who never sang joined in loudly; which makes sense if you go by the increased beer consumption=increased volume of sound equation. Afterwards, with no mention of the buzzed chorus we were all apparently members of, regular party activity would ramp-up again. Me? I was probably getting back to kicking ass at speed quarters.

Now that you understand the degree to which this particular song is ingrained in my college experience, you can understand why I received no less than 12 e-mails over the weekend from some of those friends in response to and concurrence with my horror at seeing this commercial:


Double-click on either 'play' arrow if you have trouble with the video

Part of my job is coming up with marketing ideas and advertising pitches, so I realize that I analyze commercials (and ok, lots of things) more than the average bear. I will start you off with these points to ponder:

1) They cast 80's pop singer Tiffany as the mom who can stock a garage refrigerator (with french bread?!) and then release a dove from her bare hands that she magically pulled out of thin air (after a prayer?!). The dove flies out of view never to be seen again, which is probably supposed to represent how quickly time passes, or something equally depressing. All I know is when I first saw that part of the commercial, I actually thought to myself, "This right here? THIS is what it sounds like when doves cry."

2) In a glorious display of a textbook mood swing, we find out that if Meatloaf gets "crazed", he'll angrily throw a fireball into a trash can. Then, he'll tell you he's going to buy you something.

3) The script calls for the teenager to grab nothing out of thin air TWICE and eat it. This thin-air thing must come from his mom's DNA. Maybe originally he was supposed to eat flying doves but they thought it would distract from the message, which ends up coming through regardless. The message is that Meatloaf needs cash and will seemingly do anything to get it.

4) Unless you're selling dynamite, having the featured product EXPLODE at the end of the commercial might not be the best thing to leave in the mind of the potential customer.

5) For me, the most disturbing part of this commercial is the song choice. If you don't already know or never thought about it before, Paradise by the Dashboard Light (like all Jim Steinman songs) is a massive and over-the-top saga of teenage sex in a car-turned-miserable marriage that goes like this (and because Tiffany's flying dove reminded me that time is fleeting, I opted to edit down the mass of information found on Wikipedia instead of typing up my own run-down):

Part one, Paradise Reminiscing their days as a high school couple, making out in the front seat of a car. "And now our bodies are oh so close and tight/It never felt so good it never felt so right..." As the song progresses it's clear that the boy has more on his mind. "Baby don't you hear my heart/You've got it drowning out the radio/I've been waiting so long for you to come along and have some fun/And I gotta let you know, no you're never gonna regret it/So open up your eyes I've got a big surprise, it'll feel all right/ I wanna make your motor run". 

Part two, Let Me Sleep On It The girl refuses to go any further unless the boy promises that he will love her, marry her, and stay faithful. The boy is conflicted and says he'll tell her in the morning, which doesn't get him very far. "I couldn't take it any longer/ Lord, I was crazed / When the feeling came upon me like a tidal wave / Started swearing to my God/ And on my mother's grave/ That I would love you till the end of time / I swore I would love you till the end of time"

Part three, Praying For The End Of Time Things snap back to the present time. They are sticking to their vows, despite being miserable about it. "So now I'm praying for the end of time / To hurry up and arrive / 'cause if I got to spend another minute with you I don't think that I can really survive/ I'll never break my promise / Or forget my vow / But God only knows what I can do right now/ I'm praying for the end of time / It's all that I can do! / Praying for the end of time / So I can end my time with you!"

Now I ask you...will the debased version of this song sell phones to parents of teenagers? The same teenagers who after having borrowed the car, may just ignore that ringing phone as they participate in their own paradise by the dashboard "Go-Phone" light?

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*I have the exact same kind of flashbacks when I hear Hootie & the Blowfish's Hold My Hand or Only Wanna Be With You. I realize to some of you that admission might blow my credibility on the topic of 'classics', but those WERE The Hootie Years, so I have no shame about that. Besides, I defy you to find a song with a sweetly-appropriate lyrical summation of college relationships that tops, "Maybe we can't change the world but I'm gonna love you the best that, the best that I can."

Well, besides this obvious choice!

Unleash the Motherf**king Moonwalk!

I found this spoof on the Ad Council "Parental Guide" posters and knew it would be the perfect thing to carry you through the rest of your workday and into the weekend. Even if you don't have any kids you will enjoy it, as evidenced by the fact that I laughed for probably MUCH longer than the average stressed-out parent. Or maybe because I'm not a stressed-out parent, I laughed at this. Either way, I laughed and I hope you will, too:


Click for maximum enjoyment.


While we're on this subject, here is proof those clever Brits can also think up new ways to get old messages across:

Here's a tip... try counting out loud (even if you have to do it under your breath).

You're welcome! Now get out there and unleash the motherf**king moonwalk!

Source of brilliant motherf**king moonwalk unleashment.

Oh, the irony!

One year ago today I wrote my first House of Jules post. I wanted to kick things off in a fitting way, so I thought about it for a few minutes before deciding to give a little nod in the direction of MTV and the first of their music video transmissions with help from The Buggles, Video Killed the Radio Star:


Remember when MTV played music videos? Well, that's where my first post title came from.

Music videos on MTV are a thing of the past, which is a tired complaint and one I won't add to because if those pesky videos hadn't eventually gotten out of the way, I would not have gotten sucked into Laguna Beach a few years ago, which led me to the even juicier show, The Hills.

Of course people have their equally tired complaints about The Hills, saying that it's not a REAL reality show (which isn't a valid complaint! If you want "all-reality all the time", you wouldn't be turning on your TV). These are the same adults who probably think that music videos should be live performances, which I figured out was NOT the case 55 seconds into this truly horrible video (during the first week of MTV's initial reign). I have a vivid memory of thinking, "Heyyyyyy, this isn't live! There's no way to hear her singing over that chugging engine." You have to cut me some slack about this because: 1) I was 8 years old, and 2) it was the dawn of music videos, these things weren't so embedded in our culture in 1981.

Anyway, back to my blog-iversary. The irony of a music video channel no longer playing music videos, which is now known for airing reality shows that aren't REAL, falls right in line with the irony that the traditional gift for a first anniversary is PAPER, and if there is something I haven't needed since I started writing in this public forum, paper would be it.



Did the "M"-shaped mystery meat freak anyone else out when these promos first aired or was it just the 8-year old me?


Seriously though, thanks for continuing to come back to the H.o.J., I'm happy you're here!

Better LATE than pregnant!

I'm known for things like my long-established love connection with Jeremy Piven, saving the day with my knowledge of pop culture trivia, being a smart-ass (in the good way. Think of me as the smart-ass with a heart of gold!), and my adoration for funny men with foreign accents.

**Click HERE to find out what I'm not exactly PROUD of being known for. It's a good thing my family loves me anyway!**

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"Hey hey, it's another giveaway" alert:
While you're clicking away, my sister is having a contest to give away 3 copies of her book, Remembering Ruby, which was published last year! She wrote it, and I designed the cover (and her matching blog header)! Click HERE for all of the exciting details!

He'll be on my mind every time I hear that theme song

I've mentioned my fandom (is that a word?) for the British version of The Office; and in truth I resisted the U.S. version for most of the first season it aired. This is because of my love for and loyalty to Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant (and Karl Pilkington, for that matter... if you are into funny Brits and haven't heard their podcasts, you've been missing out). Eventually I gave in, mostly due to the urging of my 15-year old nephew D., who would always ask if I was watching it so we could share one of those, "Wasn't that funny?" moments that our family enjoys so much. Ever since then I've been a dedicated Thursday night watcher.

I have a Pavlovian response to the theme song. Thankfully I don't drool like Pavlov's dog, but as soon as the theme song starts, my heart beats a little faster, my grin gets ridiculous, and I can't help but bop my head along with the tune. It's uncontrollable. What happens AFTER the theme song (the actual show part of the show) has always been good, so the theme makes me giddy with anticipation of the laughter that is sure to come.

This past Thursday, they dedicated the show to Nathan Robinson, and rolled this video of him playing that theme song on piano:


(Double click on either 'play' arrow if you have trouble with the video)

It didn't take long to track down the rest of the story, which I'll have you know, made me cry.

From the Boston Globe:
Nathan Alden Robinson loved music. His first instrument was a Casio toy keyboard, his family said, and Nathan loved to listen to a preprogrammed version of Beethoven's "Für Elise." "He said, 'So Daddy, can you teach me how to play?' " said his father, Donald Robinson, a professional musician. "I found a simple arrangement and he learned to play it by rote." Nathan, a 15-year-old freshman at Newton North High School, continued to play the piano, and later the clarinet, every day until just before his death Friday of methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus, pneumonia, and influenza at Children's Hospital Boston.

"Every morning he would get up at 6:10, get dressed, have his cereal, and at 6:30 he would sit down and play the piano; you could set your watch by it," his father said. A few weeks before his death, Nathan was at a friend's house, and the two were talking about "The Office," their favorite television show. Nathan's friend suggested he play the theme music to the program, so Nathan looked online for the sheet music. Nathan mastered the song almost instantly, and his impromptu performance was filmed and posted on YouTube.

His parents said Nathan cared genuinely about how others were treated and could form instant bonds with people, regardless of age. "He was a good person," his father said. "He didn't like to see people picked on. He had great empathy. He'd get very upset when he'd see people be mean to one another." When he wasn't playing the piano, Nathan loved to write. For the last few years, he had been privately working on a book. He had completed 90 pages; Nathan's parents say they don't plan to read the work-in-progress out of respect for his privacy.

Most of you know about my good friend Nic, who is still in the ICU and is fighting her way through not only brain cancer but also the one-two punch of a staph infection AND spinal meningitis (among other hurdles); who has been on a respirator for 3 weeks, keeping us all on a surreal roller coaster ride that trust me, you don't want to be on. Against all odds, she opened her eyes a little bit and squeezed her husband's hand for the first time a couple of days ago; and although she hasn't been very responsive since then, we hope it's because she's storing up her energy to continue kicking the ass of everything her immune system is up against.

My point in writing that is to update those of you who were so great about sending her positive energy & keeping her in your thoughts (especially those of you in the Cherry Icee Coalition!). I'm so happy that she's being thought of, even by people who have never met her; who aren't fortunate enough to know first hand what a fantastic person she is.

The people who loved Nathan Robinson must have been so touched to know that because of an extremely thoughtful and generous decision by someone at NBC/The Office to run that piano-playing video of him at the end of the show, millions of people were going to know more about what a special person Nathan was... And isn't that what any of us would want when we are afraid of losing someone we love... taking comfort in the knowledge that even for a minute, lots of other people had an opportunity to have known them just a little bit, too?

The "King in the Castle Courtroom" dodges another lawsuit bullet! High-five!

Click to enlarge.

Click HERE to read the New York Times article.

If I had a dollar for every time I was "randomly accosted and touched" when I lived in New York City--or here in Chicago, for that matter-- I'd be loaded...and I mean that in the financial, not the inebriated sense! A short ride on the subway during rush hour will guarantee a very specific kind of physical intimacy with strangers that in nearly any other time and place would be wholly inappropriate unless you had dinner together first. I have stories for days of the many strange and personal-space-violating experiences on the subway: like the time that a seemingly-blind panhandler was feeling her way through the crowded N train, and then tried to feel her way through my purse. I yanked it back, and she screamed "B**CH!!!!" in my ear for awhile. When someone else helped her to move along, she sweetly sung, "You smell good!" as she stroked my hair. Maybe a better illustration of special city closeness would be the time a Wall Street-type squeezed himself into the already sardine-packed E train and since he couldn't reach a pole or overhead bar to hang on to, he just grabbed me around the waist until he could maneuver himself towards something made of metal that was actually bolted into the floor. Seriously.

When my sister & I saw Borat, we were disgusted and horrified by the vulgarity of the "humor"... which of course means that we loved it. Sure, when it was over I turned to her and said, "Any innocence I had before this movie began is now gone, and I am forever scarred from this disturbing experience" but I said it in between bursts of laughing so hard I was crying. The very next night she took my brother-in-law to see it, though his opinion was a bit different than ours (we're used to that). 

I ended up buying Borat when it came out on DVD and had even more fun watching it with Charissa, who had yet to see it. Her reactions were priceless and could have been a spin-off slapstick comedy on their own merits. Mostly it was her saying, "This is so wrong!". Good times!

My point here is that not everyone thinks movies like this are funny, and not everyone agrees with the judge's ruling to dismiss this case (or any of the other eleventy-hundred that have been brought against the producers of the movie); but what was funny to ME about that 13-second scene this recent dismissed case involved was that the guy started running erratically down the sidewalk at top speed when Borat reached out to touch him. It was a totally unexpected reaction for the most part, unlike anything I've ever seen, which is exactly why I had such an appreciation for the entire movie. Stranger things happen to me (and I have seen stranger things happen to other people) than just random touching, and the reactions I've had (or have seen people have) never involved bobbing and weaving through the crowd. A punch in the face, maybe, but for the most part people just keep right on-a walking, which is one of the many reasons I love big, crowded cities. Absurd things happen all of the time, even when you're keeping your hands to yourself.

I couldn't find the sidewalk scene on YouTube, but this video has a bunch of other (what I think are) funny clips from the movie. Probably not something you should watch at work because if his accent doesn't get people's attention, your laughter (or gasps of horror, depending on your reaction) will:


Maybe because our dad has been running hotels for his entire professional career and we spent A LOT of time in them as kids, one of the scenes in this clip-fest that made my sister & I laugh the hardest (which starts 18 seconds from the beginning) is when Borat checks into a hotel, takes an elevator for the first time, gets in his crappy room and is so impressed with the fact that it has furniture in it that he sits down and says, "Wa Wa Wee Wah! King in the castle, King in the castle! I have a chair!"

Johnny Depp forgives me. Do you?

I am SO sorry to have inflicted a little April Foolery by Rickrolling you at the end of yesterday's post! If you don't already know what it means to "get Rickrolled", here is the explanation:

From the Wikipedia page on Rickrolling:

Rickrolling is an Internet meme involving Rick Astley's music video for his song "Never Gonna Give You Up". In a Rickroll, a person provides a link they claim is relevant to the topic at hand which actually takes the user to the Astley video. It can also mean playing the song loudly in public in order to be disruptive.

The practice began as a variant of an earlier prank called duckrolling, in which a link to a popular celebrity or news item would instead lead to a photoshopped picture of a duck with wheels. By May 2007, the practice had become widespread, and it eventually began to receive some coverage in the mainstream media.

In a March 2008 interview, Astley said that he will not try to capitalize on the rickroll phenomenon with a new recording or remix of his own, but that he'd be happy to have other artists remix it. Overall, Astley is fine with the phenomenon, although he finds it a little "bizarre" and only hopes that his daughter receives no embarrassment over it.

This whole Rickrolling thing has been floating around the internet for awhile now, and even when someone else has set ME up to get Rickrolled, I still think it's funny. Johnny Depp told me that he thinks it's funny, too.

No time to explain this unbelievable news!

First and most importantly, you saw my update to yesterday's Hollywud Connecshuns post, didn't you?! If not, CLICK HERE to see exclusive photos of a hot, sexy movie star who is a close, personal friend of H.o.J.! I'll give you a clue to ponder while you click: his name rhymes with Johnny Depp! Wait, was that too easy?

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Now that you are up to speed on that (and probably drooling all over your keyboard), you're never going to believe the latest "I can't believe my luck" news. I don't have time for a long explanation right now, but you can CLICK HERE to be the first ones getting a sneak peek!