Lionel Richie saddened to discover daughter Nicole 'Easy like a Sunday Morning'

Then feels partially responsible for his "Ballerina Girl's" current situation upon realizing--after all these years--the amount of collateral damage his hit song, All Night Long obviously had on her sense of self-worth.

Soon-to-be-jailed celebrity socialite Nicole Richie said she is pregnant by her boyfriend, singer Joel Madden of the rock band Good Charlotte.

"We are. I'm almost four months," said Richie, 25, in an interview with ABC's Diane Sawyer that will air Thursday.

Fiesta, Forever.

Source

Let's call this "Aversion Therapy"

I am not a "cat person" due to a bad childhood experience with my friend Kim's cat, who tried--and very nearly succeeded--in sucking my soul out through my nose while I was sleeping. I woke up the morning after her birthday party sleepover because the cat had his nostrils pressed firmly up against mine and was inhaling every time I exhaled. His eyes were closed tight, as if to transfer the energy normally allotted to his sense of sight over to his 7th sense, more commonly known as the sense of killing innocent children (which naturally comes after the 6th sense of merely seeing dead people).

I was too frozen with fear to wake Kim up. The best I could do was to faintly whisper her name into the silent white void of morning, to no avail. As my anxiety increased it became less a whisper and more a "mouthing" of her name, a useless lip-syncing plea for her to take control of the wild beast that was bound to get rid of me, one way or another.

When the cat grew bored with his soul-sucking tactics, he decided to stand on my chest and taunt me further by fanning out his paw and whipping out his talon-like claws, just before walking in circles on top of me for the next 20 minutes. At that point I started screaming, "PLEASE HELP ME KIM, I'M GOING TO DIE IF YOU DON'T WAKE UP MY GOD YOUR DIABOLICAL CAT IS KILLING ME SLOWLY AND PAINLESSLY AND I'VE NEVER FEARED FOR MY LIFE MORE IN MY ENTIRE 9 YEARS ON EARTH SURELY THIS WILL SCAR ME FOR LIFE AND I'LL HAVE TRUST ISSUES WITH AN ENTIRE ANIMAL SPECIES FOR THE REST OF MY LIVING YEARS, OR IN THESE LAST REMAINING MINUTES DEPENDING ON WHAT YOUR HOMICIDAL PET DECIDES TO DO NEXT", except I was screaming on the inside, and the only person who could hear it was me.

After that, he had the nerve to look directly into my eyes as if to say, "Are you mentally prepared for this?" just before turning around and sticking his cat-ass in my face ("IN", not "ON", which in this case is a very important distinction) while proceeding to lick his arms for all eternity until my friend Rip Van Winkle woke up. I swear it's all true.

Did I mention the suitably vicious name of her cat? Tigger. As in, Winnie the Pooh's best friend, who has his own theme song: "The most wonderful thing about Tiggers, is Tiggers are wonderful things. Their tops are made out of rubber, their bottoms are made out of springs. They're bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy, Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! But the most wonderful thing about Tiggers is, I'm the only one. T-I-double-guh-err".

I know, totally intimidating, right?

Regardless, the below photo made me laugh out loud-- and in my life, comedy will always rule over fear. That's just how I roll. YOU HEAR THAT, TIGGER? Uh, but if you would please still keep your soul-sucking, claw-sharpening cat away from me, that would be really, really great. Ok? Thanks.


That's what he said?

Click here for more "Aversion Therapy".

Speaking of Balls...

If you're in the tri-state area and want something fun to do tonight, you should head to Miller Park and watch the Milwaukee Brewers play the New York Mets. The most important part of the game will be at the very beginning though, because my good friend Todd is going to throw the ceremonial first pitch! We're all VERY excited about this, and know he'll do a tremendous job. I have no doubt that he'll be discovered there and before you know it will be a pro-ball player himself.

Todd happens to be the husband of one of my oldest (timeline, not age-wise) friends, "Scooter". She was supposed to be with him on the baseball field, undoubtedly wearing some adorable Brewer maternity gear, but she's been put on bed rest for now-- in an effort to keep those twins in the oven until closer to her actual September due date.

I'm sure at game time she'll put on one of those big foam fingers and will cheer her man on from home, though. She might even start her own one-person-carrying-two-babies version of the wave while she's at it. They're supportive of each other like that.


I took this photo at their wedding several years ago. Don't expect him to wear the tux tonight, it's a little formal for the occasion.


The first reason to go to the Brewers game tonight is to see Todd pitch. The second reason is to see the famous "Incredible Edible Sausage" race. That's what she said.

Anyway, GO TODD!

Where were you on the evening of this Faith & Tim concert? Do you have an alibi?

...or if you WERE there, did you bring home a souvenir (or 2)?

UPDATE: There was a video here, but it's gone now. Wah Wahhhhh!The person who uploaded concert footage to YouTube of Faith Hill bitching some woman in the audience out for grabbing husband/singer/The Hotness Tim McGraw's "parts" took it down at some point today; so unfortunately you can't watch it.

It was really entertaining, though. Faith went from being all bent-at-the-knees in her beautiful floor length gown (to ensure she was up in their faces), while full-on yelling in the microphone at the woman with grabby hands, right back into her duet with Tim. She didn't for an instant miss a beat. It. Was. Fantastic.

Sorry you can't see it yourself, but this is what Faith yelled, and rightly so, I might add:

Faith Hill: "Somebody needs to teach you some class, my friend. You don't go grabbin' somebody else's, somebody's husband's balls, you understand me? That's very disrespectful."

The best part was seeing the ultimate southern belle that Faith Hill is in a different light as she was using her free, non-microphone-holding hand to gesticulate weighted, round objects as she said "balls". Awesome.

UPDATE ON THE UPDATE: Now I understand why the vid was taken from YouTube. The person actually SOLD it to TMZ! Good for them. Anyway, here it is for your viewing pleasure, although the stupid captioning sort of blocks Faith's "ball-gesturing".



Original source

After that, I put out a forest fire, made a citizen's arrest, and rescued a kitten from a tree

Phone rings late Friday night. I pick up.

ME: "Hey! I'm just on my way home & my cell is almost dead, can I call you back when I get home?"

FRIEND: "No, I mean, I can't really talk but I'm calling because I have a serious emergency!"

ME (alarmed): "What's wrong?"

FRIEND: "Boris. Natasha. Moose. Squirrel. Help!"

ME: "Rocky & Bullwinkle?"

FRIEND: "THANK YOU! Crisis averted. I knew you would know the answer." (Friend hangs up without further explanation)

We skip ahead to Sunday afternoon. Phone rings. Different person calling. Same type of "emergency".

ME: "Helloooooo!"

FRIEND: "Julie, what is the name of that actress who plays the mom in the movie Big Fish?"

ME: "I have no idea. I totally blocked that movie out. I didn't like it. I even shut it off 40 minutes in."

FRIEND: "I know you didn't like it, but..."

ME: "Oh, wait-- Jessica Lange, and that's so funny because we watched a movie yesterday morning and the best thing about it was Jessica Lange's too-small-part. She's still gorgeous. You can tell she had some work done but she hasn't had her eyes lifted so her face still looks human, and beautiful."

FRIEND: "YES, that's her! Jessica Lange. Whew. Now I can breathe."

I consider these "emergencies" to be good training for my entry into next year's World Series of Pop Culture. My team name will have to be something like "SLOTH LOVES CHUNK"" or "Jakey, have you stopped loving me?" or "Sweep the Leg, Johnny".

Like Homer to doughnuts (D'oh!nuts?), resisting opening day is futile

Look, it's the Simpsonized version of me!

See you at the movie. I'll save you a seat next to Nelson. HA HA!



In case you need a reminder of the brilliance that is The Simpsons:

Highlights from one of the best Simpsons ever: Rock & Roll Fantasy Camp; starring Mick Jagger, Keith Richards, Elvis Costello, Tom Petty, Lenny Kravitz, and Brian Setzer.

Ten lines proving this episode is one of the best Simpsons ever:
1. "You can't just leave me out here! There's not another woman for miles."

2. "WOO! STDs!"

3. Mick: "Rule #1: There are no rules! Rule #2: No outside food."

4. "I'm so hot for me, I'm so hot for me, I'm so hot for me, I'm so cold!"

5. Mick: "Everybody's naughty... and FREEZE!"

6. Tom Petty (referring to Marge): "Your mother's right, Homer."

7. Mick: "We've all got to get home. My lawn's not going to mow itself."

8. "My dream has been shattered into shards of a broken dream."

9. Mick: "Cheer up Homer, It's only rock n roll camp." Homer: "But I like it."

10. "Lenny, Don't you have a crotch to stuff?"

I'm in charge of spankings. Let's see... 42, right?

Happy Birthday Jeremy!


We'll definitely "Hug it out" afterwards.

Flattery will get you everywhere

Maybe it's been too long since a man has sincerely sung my praises or maybe I just got the compliment of a lifetime. Either way, this made me grin for DAYS.

Phone rings. Recognize incoming number. I've been expecting this call and couldn't wait to answer.

ME: Hi!

HIM: "I'm thinking of taking on a mistress, and you're #1 on my list."

He has extraordinary taste in women (his wife & I are very close, long-time friends)-- so I do not take this honor lightly...


Will continue mid-week when I have more time to tell you the whole story. C'mon, you knew there HAD to be a story.

Public Service Announcement: You should definitely ask your doctor about this

After a very long road with speed bumps galore, last night I FINALLY (for the 3rd time! It's a long story) completed the photo editing/layout for the cover AND the guts (VERY fancy industry term for "inside pages". Try to keep up!) of my sister's fabulous book last night. More on that exciting news at a later date!

Afterwards, I almost called up my good friend Dr. Stacey Hoff (we've been friends for 20 years, and she knows me well) for a prescription for the product in the below youtube video, but two important things stopped me:

1) It's my practice to never "Hassle the Hoff". Especially by calling her and saying, "I hope I'm calling at a good time and that I'm not hassling the Hoff." She LOVES that!



2) I'm over 21. I don't need a stinking prescription! I can walk right into any liquor store (or "church", as my friend Jenny calls them) and pick up a bottle whenever I want. I decided against it though, because I have some unbelievably great Extra Viejo Brugal rum ("Viejo" is spanish for old or worn out-- which is exactly what I felt like last night!) that I brought back from the Dominican Republic last year that is perfect for this kind of occasion.


If you don't have your very own Dr. Hoff or some Brugal rum on hand, I think you should talk to your doctor about this. It will surely come in handy in many situations:

The side effects and warnings are the best parts of this whole thing.

Good thing I wasn't drinking red!

I just finished watching the last episode of Extras 2nd season on DVD. Approximately one minute into this scene with David Bowie & the show's creator/head writer, (the brilliant) Ricky Gervais, I laughed so hard I spit out my wine.

Double-click on either 'play' arrow if you have trouble viewing video


Even though Ricky Gervais wrote the lyrics to this song in the script, Davie Bowie has a history doing this sort of thing with the new people he meets. After all, he did write that song about Blue Jean. You know, the girl with a camouflaged face and no money.

Finally, gentlemen! A show you & your lady can agree on; though admittedly for different reasons

The Discovery Channel's Dirty Jobs.

Probably due to the back-to-back summer reruns of Dirty Jobs, recently 4 of my female friends have--on separate occasions--brought up this show, and namely, their attraction to the show's host Mike Rowe. Reading this post will be the first time they'll find out about this--their (our?) shared adoration of the ultimate "Dirty Guy". I know my phone will ring in the next few hours and there will be grown women demanding to know who their competition is. Two have claimed him as their very own future husband, one wants to make him her desktop wallpaper at work, and one wants to make him do something kinda *naughty.

Here's an example of one of the emails from a couple of days ago:

Now that I think of it, they ALL want to make him do something *naughty, but only one has the foresight to remind her co-workers to ask about it when they see her computer screen.


*...and by "naughty", I could just mean "landscaping"; but honestly, probably not.


*Ok, by "naughty" I meant "cook naked (under an apron)". It's a good start, anyway.

So, enjoy an evening devoid of fighting over the remote, and don't get jealous. You know that YOU'RE her favorite "Dirty Guy".


Dirty Jobs airs Tuesdays at 9 p.m. New episodes start soon!

Sometimes being a financially responsible adult is a total buzzkill.

Sigh.

That's what she said!

For Scooter on the very weekend of your baby (babies!) shower. Even though you're going to be the mom of TWINS, here's hoping you are always a kid at heart.

This comic strip is SO you, it almost hurts. That's what she said!



Source

Oh, and Comedy night done right? That's what she said!

I'd volunteer for border patrol, but I don't know how useful I'd be with my hands covering my eyes

You've heard of Doctors Without Borders, right? If you haven't, it's an independent organization of doctors who travel all over the world in order to help people who are unable to get medical care. Today on Chicago Public Radio's Worldview, they did a story on another organization (no doubt, just as well-meaning as Doctors Without Borders) whose mission statement is "to offer laughter to relieve the suffering of all persons, especially children, who live in areas of crisis including refugee camps, conflict zones and territories in situations of emergency." While I am not doubting the great need for an organization like this, the problem I have is the disturbing mental image that the name of this group evokes. Brace yourselves.

Clowns Without Borders

Have you ever seen Stephen King's TV movie IT? No, thank you, Pennywise the clown! I have no love for you. The only clown I could sort of deal with as a kid was Bozo, but that was only because I watched his morning show & was ABSOLUTELY CONVINCED that I would win his Grand Prize Game. I'd get that last ping pong ball into the farthest cup and score myself a bike, I just knew it, if only we could get tickets to his show. It was never to be.


I never won a bike on that show, but years later I proved I could have easily done it since I was "the one to beat" in college whenever we played Speed Quarters. Seriously, it's a gift.

So, when the host of Worldview introduced the show and announced that he'd be speaking with the founder of Clowns Without Borders, the quips began like this:

"UGH! This sounds like my childhood--and ADULT-- nightmare!"

"Absolutely. If there is anything in this world that needs borders, it would be clowns." 

I couldn't have said it better myself.

I'm disgusted and repulsed, and I can't look away!

Did you watch the annual Coney Island Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating contest on ESPN yesterday? It was absolutely cringe-worthy. I have never been less hungry for a holiday grill-out than after watching this competition.

The "mustard belt" is back in America's hands after the past 6 years of seeing Japan's Takeru Kobayashi take it home with him. This year he supposedly had a major jaw injury but there were no signs of it as he stuffed 63 hot dogs down his gullet, mostly 2 at a time, in 12 minutes.

Throughout the competition, my thoughts were consumed with important things like: "Is there someone at the ready with the heimlich maneuver in case one of the competitors chokes?" and "Is there someone at the ready with a bag in case I yack while watching this?".


Having just completed our "Maybe I shouldn't be so entertained by these movies but damnit all if I'm not!" Kevin Smith classic film fest (see my recently watched flicks in the sidebar), I couldn't help but think of Rosario Dawson's line at the end (:30) of the trailer for Clerks 2:





Click here for the ESPN article and a short video on the 66-hot-dog-eating US winner, Joey Chestnut.

He'll probably use the "Going Green" defense

Sadly, I think the only surprising thing about this story is that a Prius can get up to 100 MPH.

From the NY Times:

Al Gore’s 24-year-old son was arrested and jailed in Southern California this morning.

Al Gore III, 24, was driving a blue Toyota Prius about 100 miles an hour on the San Diego Freeway near the Crown Valley exit in Laguna Hills when he was pulled over by an Orange County sheriff’s deputy at about 2:15 this morning, a sheriff’s department spokesman, Jim Amormino, said.

The deputy smelled marijuana and searched the car, Mr. Amormino said. In the search, the deputy found less than an ounce of marijuana and a clutch of prescription pills that included the narcotic Vicodin, addictive sleep and anxiety aids Valium, Xanax and Soma, and the amphetamine Adderall, which is approved to treat attention deficit hyperactivity disorder but is also a powerful stimulant. “He doesn’t have a prescription for any of these pills, and that’s what makes it illegal,” said Mr. Amormino.

More than 10 hours after his arrest on drug charges, the younger Gore remained in a Southern California jail because no one had showed up to post his $20,000 bail. Mike Feldman, a Gore family spokesman, said that the former vice president was “in transit and unavailable.” The elder Gore was in Britain on Tuesday and is scheduled to appear in New York City on Thursday to promote “Live Earth,” a series of concerts being held around the world on Saturday to raise awareness about environmental issues.

The police impounded the younger Mr. Gore’s car and took him to jail in Santa Ana. He faces four drug charges and was cited for speeding, Mr. Amormino said. If no one shows up to post bail, Mr. Gore must await arraignment in court, which would occur no earlier than Thursday afternoon and could be delayed until Friday, Mr. Amormino said.

Source

Gonna call down to this diamond buried underground, gonna pull you up by your love, and tell you...

For Nic: the brightest shining person I know! The only thing that gives me more chills than this gorgeous song is seeing the physical manifestation of your inner strength throughout your massive and continuing fight against brain cancer for over a year now. You are truly incredible! Keep kicking it's ass, and keep shining. xoxo!

Shine (Cyndi Lauper)
Shine I'll stand by you
Don't try and push me away
'cause I'm just gonna stay
You can shine I won't deny you
And don't be afraid it'll all be ok

Do you know my name
Well I ain't gonna take
that big time line
won't be beat by a lie
Gonna call out to these embers
waiting to ignite
Gonna pull you up
By your love, by your love
and tell you

Shine I'll stand by you...

I can see the frown you wear
All around like some faded crown
Like a watch over wound
Gonna call down to this diamond
buried underground
Gonna pull you up
by your love, by your love
and tell you

When it's said and done
What you need will come
and time won't let me
Let you let me waste it this time
shine...