A spooky, scary and spine-chillingly appropriate holiday story, also see: hilarious cautionary tale

Awhile back, my good friend Alex was telling a group of us a story that I have never quite been able to shake from my mind about her married life. I still laugh out loud when I envision the real-life scene. Alex was one of my roommates in our off-campus house during the college years and I am well-versed in her romantic history. In those days, there was more than one random Tuesday afternoon when I'd walk into the house to be greeted with Madonna's Justify My Love pounding through the speakers and the view of a veritable Splendor on the Carpet because Alex and her college boyfriend didn't have class that day.

Never mind that she had her own bedroom with her own door, or that she knew when her roommates would get home for the day. That kind of stuff never seemed to bother her at all.

I have so many great stories about living with her that I could fill a book, but I'll wait for my publishing deal to come through. I don't give it all away for free, you know! If you twist my arm a little, I might tell you the story involving candle wax removal...but not today! I have something else in mind for you. Without further ado:

Alex and her husband were looking to spice things up in the bedroom with a little bit of role playing. Her husband worked second shift and she suggested that one night after she's asleep he should come into the bedroom with a mask on--like an intruder--and, you know, seduce her. He shouldn't tell her in advance though, because that would ruin the surprise. So far, so good, right?

She assumed that when the night came, he would wear something like this:

A textbook ski mask. They had an entire front closet full of them.


Or this:

The bank robber look. Simple. Classic. Never goes out of style.


Or, if he was feeling REALLY creative maybe he'd show up in something like this:

She didn't REALLY think he'd go to the trouble of buying a mask with rhinestone detailing, but this was about as much credit as she was giving him for pulling out all the stops. That was the last time she'd ever underestimate his creativity.


Here's the part of the story which emphasizes the great divide between women and men, and how we are not wired the same way AT ALL.

Several weeks had gone by, and she drifted off to sleep one night, with nary a thought of their previous discussion. Her husband came home from work and figured it had been long enough for her to have put the "seduction by masked man" idea out of her mind so he excitedly went into action, going to the garage to pull out what he planned to wear from the very first time she brought it up. He just knew he had the perfect thing! He then skulked into the house, and tip-toed into their darkened bedroom. Just as he hovered over her side of the bed, he flipped on the low-wattage nightstand lamp while shaking her shoulder to wake her.

She groggily opened her eyes, to see this:

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Turns out he had an old Halloween costume in the garage that she didn't know about: Jason, from Friday the 13th


She screamed her head off, jumped up from the bed, and kicked him so hard that he fell to his knees. Her violent reaction shocked him! Her incredibly accurate kick knocked the wind out of him! This was NOT part of the plan! Even though he was reaching for her from the floor, attempting to say, "It's ME! It's okay, it's only ME!" all that was coming out of his mouth was a succession of low and indistinguishable moans of confounded pain. In the meantime, she ran to grab the kitchen phone and locked herself in the bathroom on the lower level of their house, where she immediately called 911.

By the time her husband gathered himself and made it downstairs, the police were already on their way, and boy, did he have some explaining to do.


Do yourself a favor this Halloween--and especially any other day of the year-- resist waking your loved one while wearing a terrifying costume, no matter how perfectly seductive you think it is.

Jenny Hough*, the loser of the family DNA lottery, has the same response to anything sibling-related

I haven't really watched DWTS this season, but laughed myself off the couch last night when I saw Michael Flatley. I don't know WHY I laughed so hard, but I did. Maybe because I remember all the madness surrounding him when he was The Prince of Prance or whatever he called himself. I could Google it, but I like what I came up with better. Forever more, Michael Flatley will be known (at least to me) as The Prince of Prance.

The other day, I read this blurb on DWTS pro Julianne Hough, who seems like a sugary-sweet, totally down-to-earth person... at least on TV. One of the first comments is the one you see below. I've cropped in the article so it gets top billing. I am by nature a snarky person but GAH! There are way too many fools who have access to things like keyboards or DSL lines or other people**:


Oh Jenny! After leaving a comment like this, you've put in a full day. Why don't you skip your usual 10 a.m. appointment to kick puppies in the crotch and take a little nap instead?!


*As far as I know there isn't really a Jenny Hough, but if there is, she's probably too busy with the family business of dancing away people's sadness with that golden DNA to make time for trifling commentary like this. 

**Case in point: The dreaded "Nurse Rubie", who terrorized Linds & family at the hospital over the weekend.

What's Tom Wilson like? He's funny!

I've always gotten excited for my nephews to reach certain ages/maturity levels so I can share the movies I loved when I was younger. They've seen too many to list, but favorites over the years have included Sandlot, The Goonies, Karate Kid, Back to the Future and most recently, Monty Python & The Holy Grail. They have, without fail, loved everything I've offered up as pop culture from the past. YAY me!

I came across this video of Tom Wilson over the weekend and almost died from shock that the man who played total jerk-off Biff in Back to the Future is, in real life, a hilarious stand-up comedian. WOW, he really was only acting!

Double-click on either "play" arrow if you have trouble with the video. The color is wonky for the first 4 seconds and then straightens itself out!



His reaction to the Crispin Glover question will make me laugh ALL day!

I am not undecided; David Sedaris gets my vote* every time.

If you remember THIS POST from March, you already know that I have much love for David Sedaris. I read his latest New Yorker column today on undecided voters and somehow my feelings for him grew exponentially. As usual, he has a beautiful way of summing things up with ugly (though accurate) imagery:

To put them in perspective, I think of being on an airplane. The flight attendant comes down the aisle with her food cart and, eventually, parks it beside my seat. “Can I interest you in the chicken?” she asks. “Or would you prefer the platter of sh*t with bits of broken glass in it?”

To be undecided in THIS election is to pause for a moment and then ask how the chicken is cooked.

Read the rest of the article HERE.


*I'm not really voting Sedaris for President. He does get my vote as genius wordsmith, though.

35 Funkalow Street, also known as what I ate for breakfast

Mmmmmm..... cake

My sister rocks. Check it HERE.

It actually took me a few minutes to realize why she chose "35" as the street address. Is that funny or sad?

Lights will guide you home and ignite your bones, and I will try to fix you

I opted against watching the debate tonight for a couple of reasons:
1) I could barely sit through the first two debates because I was so anxious, and
2) They're going to re-play everything 1,000 times over on all the news channels starting the millisecond after it ends anyway.

Instead, I put in my latest Netflix pick, a documentary called YOUNG@HEART. I've had quite the streak of excellent choices over the past couple of months (see my "I Just Watched" section in the right sidebar), and this one fell right in line with some of the best documentaries I've ever seen:

Double-click on either 'play' arrow if you have trouble with the video

Prepare to be entertained by the uplifting individuals of YOUNG@HEART, a New England senior citizens chorus that has delighted audiences worldwide with their covers of songs by everyone from The Clash to Coldplay. As Stephen Walker’s documentary begins, the retirees, led by their strict musical director, are rehearsing their new show, struggling with a discordant Sonic Youth number and giving new meaning to James Brown’s “I Feel Good.” What ultimately emerges is a funny and unexpectedly moving testament to friendship, creative inspiration, and reaching beyond expectations.

Lately, my mind has been more than a little preoccupied with loved ones I've lost and people in my life who are currently having health issues, so I found myself crying more than once during this moving doc. Every once in a awhile, a good cry is exactly what I need to keep moving forward. Especially when the tears are brought on not only because of a little sadness, but also from profound moments of inspiration, and there are plenty of those in YOUNG@HEART.

One of my favorite songs, Fix You by Coldplay, is featured in YOUNG@HEART. Do you know the story of that song? Chris Martin, lead singer of Coldplay, wrote it for Gwyneth Paltrow (his girlfriend at the time/now his wife), shortly after her father tragically died when he & Gwyneth were in Rome on her 30th birthday. It's a heart-wrenching story all-around. Now try listening to the song Chris wrote for the woman he loves while she was grieving and see how little time it takes you to get misty-eyed. It's a stunningly beautiful song and I always get chills when I hear it.

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones,
And I will try to fix you.

High up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones,
And I will try to fix you.

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face, and I

Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones,
And I will try to fix you


The scene in the documentary as described on the song's Wikipedia page:

Fix You was performed in 2006 by the New England octogenarian chorus group Young@Heart. The group's performance was led by former chorus member Fred Knittle, who suffers from congestive heart failure and breathes with assistance from an oxygen tank. 

The performance was originally planned to be a duet between Knittle and Bob Salvini, another former chorus member, but Salvini died shortly before the show. Knittle performed it as a solo, as a tribute to his friend.

OHMYGAH, PASS ME THE KLEENEX. Then, go rent this documentary!

My American Idol

For this 90 second clip and a billion other reasons, may Betty White live for all eternity.


"That is one crazy b*tch!"

Crock of Love

You know I love my VH1 programming, especially if you read THIS. A couple of weeks ago, I saw a commercial for the next season of Charm School, starring the "bad girls" from both seasons of Rock of Love and I nearly melted my phone from all the text messages I furiously typed out to share the excitement with all of my friends. Even more exciting? Sharon Osbourne will host the show.

The first season of Charm School had Mo'Nique as the self-righteous host, schooling all the "bad girl" cast members from Flavor of Love in all things lady-like. I find the new season's hosting duties in the hands of Sharon Osbourne hilariously ironic casting because once on HER reality show, "The Osbournes", Sharon threw a rotting ham over the fence into their neighbors yard right after cussing them out for playing their music too loud. This should go without saying, but I love her just for that very unlady-like move alone. Charm School 2 is going to be a train wreck and I can't wait to see it!

Speaking of train wrecks and rotting ham, remember Daisy De La Hoya from Rock of Love 2? She's the one who always cried when asked the simplest of questions, while trying to create diversions from all the lies she was telling with her backwards hands (which will make complete sense to you if you ever saw her in action). She lost to Ambre Lake, possibly the most normal chick Bret Michaels has ever hooked up with, and of course has since split from.


The very moment on Rock of Love 2 when Bret Michaels broke a ho's heart.


Still not ringing a bell? Here's the best description of Daisy that I can offer: she's the one who looks like Kira Gelfing from the 80's Jim Henson movie, The Dark Crystal:


Gelfings need love, too!


VH1 is casting for Daisy's hook-up show, which has the unfortunate and boring name, "Daisy of Love". I have a feeling her elimination line will be something like, "Do you love me or do you love me not?". I think they should just go on ahead and call the show "Crock of Love", but that's just me and my big ideas. Fingers crossed the show is as horrible as their title. Vh1 hasn't let me down yet!

Daisy De La Hoya may have had her heart broken in the season finale of Rock of Love 2, when Poison frontman Bret Michaels picked Ambre Lake, but the tattooed former stripper may have the last laugh. While Bret and Ambre have called it quits, blaming their busy schedules, Daisy is getting back in the game on a new VH1 show called Daisy of Love, premiering spring 2009.

She is “determined to find her one man who will rock her world,” a press release from VH1 reads. “Daisy is on a quest for true love and this time she is giving her fans the chance to vie for her love and vote to help determine which contestant makes the cut.” Men willing to vie for Daisy’s heart can log onto Daisy of Love Casting to upload their profiles and vote for potential contestants.

Source

My father's daughter

Happy Birthday, Dad!

For as long as I can remember, I've always been told that I'm my father's daughter. If you believe that astrology has any affect on your personality traits, then I suppose it was kind of unavoidable since I was born the day before his 31st birthday. We share--for the most part--the same sense of humor, the same temperament, the same taste in cars and the same driving style (and speaking of driving: the same ability to drive my mom crazy), the same lack of patience with rude people, the same inability to 'beat-around-the-bush', the same love for people-watching, the same fascination with all things Chihuly, and the same appreciation for anything that is of-from-around-or-about Italy. Oh yeah, we also have the same nose, though mine is MUCH smaller and cuter.


No need for an actual DNA test, just look at us. Dad at hardball league, holding a beer. I'm the shorty behind him, holding a beer of my own, or so it seems. 1982-ish.

Whenever our family is sitting around reminiscing, our parents complain that my sister & I only remember "the bad stuff"; like having to spend every hot summer Saturday weeding underneath the biggest magnolia tree you've ever seen, or how when we were teens we had a 10-minute time limit on every phone call and how they always knew when time was up even if they were an entire floor below us. How about the time I got grounded in 4th grade for 6 whole weeks because I got a 'D' in handwriting, while the fact that Dad's handwriting was so sloppy he was often asked if he was a doctor seemed to escape him as he handed down my punishment. I also enjoy bringing up how I had a 10pm curfew all the way through high school when my friends were practically just beginning their weekend night festivities... but all those "bad things" are sometimes more entertaining to look back on now that she & I are adults.


Just let your soul glo! The afro seen 'round the world. 1979-ish.

The truth is that there was a lot more good stuff than bad. As a teen I would have disagreed, but it turns out that it's important to have parents who set boundaries and have high expectations of their children because as our parents always say, we turned out alright after all!


Dad & Mom, dating in their teens, plotting how to torture their future daughters with things like personal responsibility and curfews.


Mom & Dad. Venice Beach, 1993-ish.

Thanks for everything, Dad. I'll try to bring up more of the good stuff when we sit around telling stories the next time, like when you taught me (at 16) to drive your hot new stick shift sports car and I almost killed us in the middle of an intersection when the car died as I was trying to make a left turn. You didn't lose your cool with me, not for a second; even when I was panicking because I couldn't get the clutch and the gas pedals synced up and the car died again, after it sputtered a few feet closer to the swiftly approaching oncoming traffic. You just yelled, "GO! GO! GO!" and then... I did! That pretty much sums it up. You're always there, spurring me on to simply put my mind to something and do it.


Clearly up to no good in 1987. Speaking of that 'fro... It looks as if Missy decided to sport that look too, but it was just the wind.

You're the best, and not only is that a compliment for you, but it's a compliment for ME because I'm proud to say that even after all of these years, people still tell me that I'm my father's daughter. But they always add, "with a MUCH smaller and cuter version of his nose!" Really, they add that, I swear.

Happy Birthday! I Love you.

Eye want candy!

Last week I wrote about Ammon's Uncle Joe in THIS post. Thanks for signing the petition!

Before I left for my Key West trip (which I'll blog about as soon as I figure out what I can even SHARE with the internet), I sent Ammon a package with something in it for a future post we're working on together. It has been in the works for awhile and before I sent it off, I knew I wanted to include something for Linds. She LOVES Ryan Reynolds like I love Pivs & Javier (and everyone else I've ever written a Humpday post about!). Don't get me wrong, Ryan Reynolds is totally on my list, too, but he's not #1 like he is on her list.

Ryan comes off as down-to-earth, funny and completely charming in interviews. Besides that, even a blind person can see He. Is. Gorgeous. He's so hot that the definition of "EYE CANDY" should just be a picture of him. No further explanation necessary. So, when I was brainstorming on what to send Linds, my first thought was to make up a fake product called "Ryan Reynolds' Eye Candy". Since all the Halloween candy is already in stores, I was on a mission to find some of these chocolate/peanut butter eyeballs I used to see in my nephews' trick or treat bags:


Get it? EYE CANDY!

After trying a bunch of stores, coming up empty-handed and then deciding they probably taste nasty to anyone older than 6, I realized I needed to come up with something else. Then I found these gummy eyeballs:


Uhhhh, no.

I was excited until I made the mistake of picking one up. It actually felt like what I imagine an eyeball feels like, so it grossed me out. I think Linds is the bomb, so why would I send her something disgusting?!

Finally, it occurred to me that Ferrero Rocher chocolate hazelnut candies kind of look like eyeballs--with a tiny sticker in the center of each foil wrapper-- while also tasting scrumptious:


The perfect embodiment of Ryan Reynolds in the form of sweet & salty candy goodness.

I had much bigger, more impressive plans for the packaging design, but because I was running short on time before my vacation, I had to settle for something quick & easy. I grabbed a photo of him from my shrine the internet, came up with a tagline, and put it together as the least impressive thing I've ever designed (sorry it wasn't more elaborate, Linds!). Here's the final product:


Ryan Reynolds is Deliciously Mouth-Watering™. So is Ryan Reynolds' Eye Candy.

I think she liked it, even though she says she has other plans for the box. HEY-OHHH!


Foil-wrapped close-up photo source: The impressive Ferrero Rocher wiki page

Daily Tweets from Key West back to Chicago

• 18:27 My plane landed just in time to get whisked off to Tina Turner's Chicago concert, which should dry my end-of-vacation tears.
• 19:59 Tina Turner hasn't started her show yet. I blame Oprah.
• 20:15 Only 2 songs in and I already feel so sorry for those of you who don't have tickets. TINA IS THE SHIZ!
• 20:29 Tina's backup dancers are so hot the stage just caught on fire. Seriously, they're hot.
• 21:02 I don't advocate the selling of babies, but if you have more than 1 child, consider trading your least fave in for a ticket to Tina's show.
• 21:03 After a long day, my phone is dying the death. AND STILL TINA GOES ON!
• 21:51 Tina doing Stones covers! I can die now.

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Daily Tweets from Key West

• 16:48 Just saw a man w/ an ACTUAL PEG LEG dressed as a pirate. They sure are a dedicated bunch down here.
• 00:04 Is texting from bedroom to bedroom in our rented vacation condo the ultimate in laziness or the beauty of technology?

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Daily Tweets from Key West

• 16:02 The Rum Barrel has a drink called 'The Dirty Hoe'. Guess what I'm drinking?
• 23:58 At drag show where the featured 'Lady Sushi' just performed to Rent's OUT TONITE. It was epic!

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Daily Tweets from Key West

• 18:25 On sunset booze cruise w/ 14 on a boat made to carry 145 people. I'd be more descriptive, but I pretty much told you all you need to know.
• 21:43 Go ahead + forward all my mail to Irish Kevin's Pub on Duval Street.

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Daily Tweets from Key West

• 19:29 The power is out on the entire island of Key West. All I gotta say is: we didn't do it!

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Daily Tweets from Key West

• 18:03 Had our 1st pitcher of Key West Ale + conch fritters. Menu boasts 'Best Key Lime Pie in the Keys! Will investigate + report findings.

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Just like Bogie & Bacall

In 1981, my dad bought a brand new Oldsmobile Delta 88 with all the bells & whistles. By bells & whistles, I mean an automatic antenna and an 8-track player. My favorite thing about having a new car was the complimentary 8-track that came with it, and I would very quickly take it as my own and play it for YEARS (literally, years) on the one stereo we had in our house. By stereo, I mean a radio, record player, 8-track and cassette player all-in-one unit. It even had a microphone you could plug in and sing into.... like early karaoke. It was high tech for those days. My favorite song to sing along to was Key Largo by Bertie Higgins.

In 1990, when my dad handed the Olds off to me, I was a junior in high school. Though the car's 8-track player had long-since been replaced with a tape deck, I could still play the original 8-track in my room, because that's where the once "high tech" stereo had come to rest. I owned lots of cassettes and records, but I never got sick of the songs on the 8-track. Especially this one:


The sentiment of this song is universal... AND I LOVE IT!

I know on the surface it seems like a cheesy song, but it made a permanent imprint on me.

Wrapped around each other
Trying so hard to stay warm
That first cold winter together
Lying in each others arms
Watching those old movies
Falling in love so desperately
Honey, I was your hero
And you were my leading lady

We had it all
Just like Bogie and Bacall
Starring in our old late, late show
Sailing away to Key Largo

Here's lookin' at you kid
Missing all the things we did
We can find it once again, I know
Just like they did in Key Largo

Honey, can't you remember
We played all the parts
That sweet scene of surrender
When you gave me your heart
Please say you will
Play it again
'Cause I love you still
Baby, this can't be the end

We had it all
Just like Bogie and Bacall
Starring in our old late, late show
Sailing away to Key Largo

I didn't even know who Bogie & Bacall were or that they starred in movies called Key Largo (or where Key Largo was, for that matter) and Casablanca. What I did know was that one day, when I was old enough, I'd get myself to Key Largo.

That day is today.

There are 6 of us, all flying from different cities into Florida, where we'll drive from Miami down to our rented condo in Key West. I already told everybody that we have to stop in Key Largo on the way down to Key West so I can get a photo of the sign, and then I made them listen to me sing the song to them over the phone so they would realize how serious I am.

I've read that there isn't too much going on in Key Largo these days, but the 8-year-old in me knows that there once was a time that people had it all... just by sailing away to Key Largo.

Daily Tweets from Key West

• 19:02 If I get everything on my list done before 2a.m., I'll consider it a success. Freddy Mercury + Bowie said it best: 'Under pressure...'
• 20:05 Just cashed in 6 months of spare change. It came to $74, which is going straight to my Key West RUM BARREL FUND! tinyurl.com/424ft3
• 20:12 In all seriousness: please read this post on my friend Ammon's blog and sign the petition for his uncle. tinyurl.com/3p45pr
• 06:53 At airport, running on NO sleep. I'll be good + loopy when we land in ATL. Just in time to meet Jen for our connecting flight. VACATION!

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