Do you remember this post from two weeks ago? The one that ended with someone paying $29.99 for a certain item that was described to have "at one time contained the seeds of life and the future of the herd"?
To enhance the reading experience of this post, I'm going to get you in the right frame of mind, because I'm a giver like that (Double-click on either "play" arrow if you have trouble with the video):
TLC's "Girl Talk": A most appropriate song for this particular post, and pretty much my life.
Alright. I think you're ready now, or as ready as you're going to be!
I got a phone call from Anastasia Beaverhausen (Jen) the other night while I was rushing around getting dressed up. Ignoring that I was almost on my way out the door, she responded with a very Carol-Anne-from-Poltergeist-like, "It's he-ere!"!
I stopped what I was doing and knowing what the answer would be, asked, "What's here?"
And thus begins the first H.o.J. live blogging event: The un-boxing of el Saco de Toro!
THE PLAYERS: Jen, Me, El Saco De Toro, KC (Jen's 9 year-old daughter, who had a red Prada bag on her Christmas list, to which Jen replied, "First of all, young lady, you don't even know what a Prada bag is, and second of all, I DON'T EVEN OWN A PRADA BAG SO KEEP DREAMING!"), and Jax, their family's small but very amorous dog.
Jen: It's he-ere!
Me: What's here?
Jen: I waited to open it until you were on the phone... The Saco de Toro "Bullie" is He-ere!
Me: Don't go to the light, Carol Anne! Soooo, what's your first impression?
Jen: It.............. ohmigod, it smells. It really, really smells. Like...
Me: Wait! Let me guess. It smells like balls, doesn't it?
Jen: Quick, someone get MENSA on the line!
Me: You know I totally aced their "fun test", don't you? For awhile, B. called me "Ace" because of my score. This fact totally pales in comparison to what you're now holding in your hands.
Jen: Anyway "Ace", it has some marks on it, but they said that would be the case with each one, and that these 'blemishes' are "indicative of the hardships endured by the beast", so I guess I shouldn't expect it to be pristine. Uh oh, here comes KC. This should be interesting.
KC: Gross, Mom! What is that and what is it made of?
Me: I dare you to tell her it's the new Prada bag. That'll teach her not to be a slave to fashion!
Jen: It's the new brown Prada! Hold it so I can take a picture.
KC: (clearly smart enough to know better) No, I'm not going to hold that thing! What's it made of? Tell me!
Jen: Uhhhh, animal skin.... like your boots. Hold it so I can send a picture to Julie.
KC: I'm not touching that thing. (exiting the room quickly)
Me: She doesn't have time for these foolish games! What are your other impressions of el Saco?
Jen: It has HAIR on it!
Me: What did you expect, that it would be waxed?
(Jax the love-dog walks in, sniffing around to see what's up.)
Jen: Now the dog has come in here to inspect the Saco.
Me: Animal recognizes animal. It's like us, out at the bar! Anyway, Jax is probably formulating a plan on how to get the Saco all to himself later, and get all romantic-like. Again, like us out at the bar!
Jen: This is by far the best $29.99 I've ever spent.
Me: I totally agree. What are you going to do with it now?
Jen: I have it up on a shelf, looking gorgeous. All I have to do is take care of that smell. Maybe I'll buy some dried flowers.
Me: So, what once held the "seeds of life and the future of the herd" is to be a large potpourri holder? I'm SURE the bull would be pleased.
See Jen's post on her new "purse" by clicking HERE.
16 comments:
Oh, funny funny funny. I read it out loud to my husband - hard to do while gasping and wheezing. I'm a month-new blogger and have been reading around. I stumbled upon yours a few days ago and your friendship with Anastasia reminds me so much of mine with my friend Kat (except you two are funnier - I would be lying if I said that I harbor no jealousy.)
Oh.my.god.
Did she at least get a good steak with it?
Bwhahaha! Can you imagine the conversations that will start from that thing?
The bull has done good with his donation...
Anastasia Beaverhausen is the best fake name EVER. I pretty much want to be Karen Walker when I grow up.
I just want you to know that you have succeeded in driving the price of the "Bullie" up with all of your raving. It is now a whopping $39.99!!! Congratulations, you've adjusted the market.
Our influence knows no bounds! Actually, if you're in the market for a "Bullie" I got mine at a different web site than Billy Bob's Texas because it was cheaper (I bargain shop for my balls...wait). Check out:
http://www.bbhq.com/merchmrt.htm#elsaco
And now it hits me what Bill 'The Butcher' Cutting was wearing in Gangs of New York. It would also explain the greasy hair as taxidermy was in it's infancy then.
I can only assume the bull was not in American Pie 3, so OF COURSE el saco is hairy. It adds character. Because, what ball sac doesn't need more character? Glad to see that dogs are equal opportunity sniffers. I'm thinking that would be enough to make a male of any species walk away with his head hung in shame . . .
@Calamity Jane: Thank you! Welcome to blogsville, you're going to like it here. I hope you read the post from a couple of weeks ago (that I linked to in the beginning of today's post) so you could get the full story... and I'm glad to hear you have a friend like my own Anastasia Beaverhausen. Life wouldn't be any fun without her!
@Candy: For some reason thinking of asking a bull to not only give up his ball sack but ALSO a steak made me laugh.
@Melissa: I know! It's better than having a new puppy around.
@Alf: You're one of the few people who actually "got" that it was a Karen Walker reference. It's because SHE's Karen Walker, and I'm "Jack".
@Fruitcake Lady: While we'd love to take credit for driving up the prices, but we can't. Billy Bob's charges $10 more than other places, but I chalk it up to the fact that they offer a wooden stand to hang the Bullie from, not that they're taking advantage of people who don't realize that you can COMPARISON SHOP FOR BULL BALL SACKS.
@Anastasia/Jen: This is what I love about you. Right when we were on the phone that first night this came up, you did an immediate search to see if you could get it elsewhere for less money. Makes me proud!
@Spammon: I never saw Gangs of New York (I know! I missed a movie with DDL in it, shocking.) but that's only because I never wanted to taint (gouche?!) the image burned in my brain of his starring role in Last of the Mohicans. The whole "Stay alive, I will find you! thing made me drool for days. (again, shocking.)
@Stacey: You're correct, it was not in AP3 (but oddly enough it still has stories to tell about "This one time, at band camp.... Nothing worse than a ball sack without character or a sense of humor. As for the equal opportunity sniffing, I think little Jax has himself a Valentine.
HOLEY SHIT. That's insane. God, I'm so glad I found this blog so I can hear more about this purse.
First off, I LOVE that TLC song.
Second, OH MY HOLY HELL. That is too damn funny.
I might have vomited in my mouth a little about the smell. Because I just don't want to imagine. And hair? Ewwwwww.
Now can the Saco answer life's burning questions?
My wardrobe will not be complete until I obtain that smelly purse.
Please. Let me know when this one becomes available on EBAY.
You know, there was time I was very worried this blog was getting entirely too highbrow for me. THANK GOD the brow is now back at a level a love! {Contented sigh}
Just to make sure the brow is properly seated though I think you need at least one more girl on girl action post! ;)
Eeeeeeeeeewwwwww!!!
My goodness, I wasn't even there and I am going to get good cocktail party banter out of it.
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