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Tuesday, February 12, 2008

This is all theoretical, of course; it certainly didn't just happen to me.

Let's just say, in theory, that you got home from work a little bit early today; and let's go one further and say that there is a 6' tall snowbank between your parked car and the sidewalk that leads down the path to your door. Assuming that the snowbank was not solid ice, and that the earth has this thing called gravity; at some point during your attempt to go over the pile of snow, your legs probably sank down pretty far, and then you had to pull them out and climb a little higher, sinking down again.

You most likely repeated those actions enough times to eventually get over the top and then you did more of a slide down the back of the snowbank. Your boots are wet, your socks are wet, your pants are water-logged, and unfortunately you're wearing the ones that are longer than they should be; so they're also dragging down the sidewalk all the way to your door; bringing tiny piles of snow and ice along with them.

Since it's windy, and you're already shaking from the low temperature, the first thing you do when you close the front door behind you is to take off your jacket, hat, gloves, sopping wet boots and socks. Then you look down at your pants, which are sticking to your legs as if you went swimming in them, and figure, "I might as well take these off, too"; which you do. Right there in your entryway.

You're standing there, shivering cold, but at least you're no longer wet, and decide to quickly flip through your mail. Then, just as you start a little mini-jog towards your bedroom, where you're to find comfortable, dry clothes to throw on, a man walks out of your bathroom. He's as surprised to see you as you are to see him.

Each of you manages to scream LIKE A GIRL for about 5 seconds, and once you realize you're standing there in nothing but a sweater, in front of one of the maintenance guys, you get it together long enough to push past him and slam your bedroom door, all the while yelling, "What the F%*K, YOU GUYS ARE SUPPOSED TO CALL 24 HOURS BEFORE YOU COME IN HERE!"; and he's stammering apologies, saying "It was marked down that someone DID call, but it must have been an oversight because why would you be half naked if you knew someone was fixing your bathroom sink?", and while you're pulling on some pants you yell back, "You're damned right it was an oversight!"

Then he says he "just finished anyway!", which, because you're delirious, in shock and also because you have the twisted mind of a 15 year old, you misconstrue it, thinking he's trying to be funny by implying something ENTIRELY different by that statement, and you lose your shit completely until you realize he just means he's done with the sink repair.

By the time you open your bedroom door--fully dressed--you're already laughing about the absurdity of the last 15 minutes.

Having quietly stepped over your pile of wet clothes and boots in the entryway, he's already gone.

23 comments:

Rob said...

Damn, I need to get a maintenance man job!

Seriously though that must have been a shock!

I pulled a gun a on a “super” (easier to spell) once. I was home sick with the flu and he came in to change smoke detector batteries. I woke up from a feverish sleep hearing noises in the dining room. So I got my pistol out.

He swears he knocked loudly and called out several times before he came in but if he did I did not hear it in my Nyquil induced coma.

Either way, I bet he knocked and called out louder from then on! {evil grin}

Sauntering Soul said...

OMG. That is so funny.

One morning I was dancing around half naked in my living room on my hardwood floors to a blues song. Then I saw the three men my landlord had hired for some sort of maintenance come out from the crawl space under my house. They glanced over and into my french door (with open blinds of course) and they saw me and I saw them. I screamed and ran into my bedroom completely humiliated. They saw me dancing half-naked AND they had been under the living room while I was hopping around on the hardwood floors a mere few inches from their heads.

I thought I was going to die. I was late to work because I waited until they drove off a bit later so I wouldn't have to actually walk past them to get to my car.

Jules said...

@Rob: You know I was totally wearing my "I'm Blogging This" undies, so it all worked out, and I didn't have to pull out a gun of any kind.

@Bev: THAT IS HORRIFIC!!! I feel so much better, thanks!

Melisa said...

WTF???
I'm so glad that whoever it happenned to can laugh about it already. That shows a strong character.

:)

Swishy said...

HA HA HA HA HA ... that would soooooo happen to me. I got out of the shower once and I heard something ... realized there was a maintenance guy on a ladder outside my open window. Good times!

Kat said...

ROFL what a hilarious story. In college I did the dancing around in my underwear, singing into a microphone that was actually a can of hairspray, in my dorm room. Too bad the window cleaners came to have a laugh at me. I have never been more embarrased but now it is a story I love to tell :)

Melissa said...

Yikes, me and my underwear don't dance around without pants on, so I've never had an accident as you describe...of course there is always the talk of pavement. ;)

Jen said...

Was he cute?

Ree said...

Thank the good lawdie lawd that *THAT* is not something I've actually ever lived through.

Um, not that you have either. ;-)

The Fruitcake Lady said...

Now THAT is quality, albeit theoretical. Good times, theoretically! I just sincerely hope that whoever had this experience was not practicing from the "every pair of underwear has two good sides" school of thought. That would have been tres, TRES unfortunate.

Stacey said...

Only Jen would get to the important question. So? It could be the great opening scene to your, errrr, her first ever starring role in a porno . . .

Tootsie Farklepants said...

Whoever it is you're talking about has a great sense of humor about the whole thing ;)

Jen said...

Stacey: This "story" is a porno scene if I've ever heard of one....

Ginny said...

TWO guys came in to "check on things" for the landlord when I was alone and sleeping in my apatrment in college. They'd NEVER call-just show up and let themselves in. That really sucked.

Jules said...

@SisMis: Yes, strong like bull.

@Swishy: Was the maintenance guy on the ladder actually DOING anything or was he just taking in the show?

@Kat: WOW, that is a doozy. I feel much better now because I can honestly say there was no dancing or singing involved... but that's just because he left too soon!

@Melissa: THERE WAS NO DANCING! (I cannot tell you how happy I am about that, I mean, if there was it would have been him or me-- one of us dead for sure-- me=embarrassment; him=homicide.

@Jen (part 1): Leave it to you to get to the heart.... err, whatever, of the matter. He wasn't cute ENOUGH, let's put it that way.

@Ree: Yup, neither one of us have been through something traumatic like that. Nope. I sure haven't, and definitely not last night if ever.

@Fruitcake Lady: No, I don't think that was an issue. Just a guess, though. A theory.

@Stace: You know me too well and for far too many years to assume that it would have been the FIRST. (heh heh)

@Tootsie: I know, right? Humor will get you through just about anything. Or so I hear.

@Jen (part 2): Jeaux Creux Prodeaux, baby!

@Ginny: I think I know those guys. Were they delivering a pizza? Bow chika bow wowwwwww.......

Rob said...

@Jules - With "I'm blogging this" undies you don’t NEED a gun!

@Ginny - Did someone here order cable?

Anonymous said...

Bottom line..the sink WAS fixed wasn't it? Consider the show YOU put on for the maintenance guy as a well deserved gratutity!

Afterall, he was a victim too! Compassion is next to Godliness!

Yes, God does have a sense of humor!

chasing fireflies said...

LOL!

I would have screached like a school girl too...

LOL!

The [Cherry] Ride said...

WOW - that is SO awesome. Best story of the week!

Spammon said...

I guess that will teach you next time you are in a drunken stupor to not hand your keys out to anyone who buys you a drink. Did you check for any hidden cams? I don't trust them plumbers.

Angela WD said...

I ...I just can't think of anything witty. I'm laughing too hard. OMG.

texAAsgirl said...

I think my sink is stopped up. Now let me look in the yellow pages for a hot sexy plumber....

Jules said...

@Rob: Very good point, sir!

@Anon: Yes, the sink is fixed, however I resent the idea that the maintenance man was a victim of any kind! I'm sure he considers it a gift. heh.

@Kris (fireflies): I don't know anyone who could have avoided screaming like a girl in that situation!

@CherryRide: Do I have you to thank for having my story linked over at Audience of Two
? I assume so since your "Quiz" post is the link just before mine... ;)

@Spammon: Yes, I had to check and make sure he didn't remove the hidden cameras. What it actually taught me is to walk AROUND the snowbank next time.

@Angela: I know, it's hard to think beyond the thoughts probably flooding through your mind that consist of, "I'm so glad that was her and not me!"

@TexAAsGirl: By "sink", you mean....?