Let's call this "Aversion Therapy"

I am not a "cat person" due to a bad childhood experience with my friend Kim's cat, who tried--and very nearly succeeded--in sucking my soul out through my nose while I was sleeping. I woke up the morning after her birthday party sleepover because the cat had his nostrils pressed firmly up against mine and was inhaling every time I exhaled. His eyes were closed tight, as if to transfer the energy normally allotted to his sense of sight over to his 7th sense, more commonly known as the sense of killing innocent children (which naturally comes after the 6th sense of merely seeing dead people).

I was too frozen with fear to wake Kim up. The best I could do was to faintly whisper her name into the silent white void of morning, to no avail. As my anxiety increased it became less a whisper and more a "mouthing" of her name, a useless lip-syncing plea for her to take control of the wild beast that was bound to get rid of me, one way or another.

When the cat grew bored with his soul-sucking tactics, he decided to stand on my chest and taunt me further by fanning out his paw and whipping out his talon-like claws, just before walking in circles on top of me for the next 20 minutes. At that point I started screaming, "PLEASE HELP ME KIM, I'M GOING TO DIE IF YOU DON'T WAKE UP MY GOD YOUR DIABOLICAL CAT IS KILLING ME SLOWLY AND PAINLESSLY AND I'VE NEVER FEARED FOR MY LIFE MORE IN MY ENTIRE 9 YEARS ON EARTH SURELY THIS WILL SCAR ME FOR LIFE AND I'LL HAVE TRUST ISSUES WITH AN ENTIRE ANIMAL SPECIES FOR THE REST OF MY LIVING YEARS, OR IN THESE LAST REMAINING MINUTES DEPENDING ON WHAT YOUR HOMICIDAL PET DECIDES TO DO NEXT", except I was screaming on the inside, and the only person who could hear it was me.

After that, he had the nerve to look directly into my eyes as if to say, "Are you mentally prepared for this?" just before turning around and sticking his cat-ass in my face ("IN", not "ON", which in this case is a very important distinction) while proceeding to lick his arms for all eternity until my friend Rip Van Winkle woke up. I swear it's all true.

Did I mention the suitably vicious name of her cat? Tigger. As in, Winnie the Pooh's best friend, who has his own theme song: "The most wonderful thing about Tiggers, is Tiggers are wonderful things. Their tops are made out of rubber, their bottoms are made out of springs. They're bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy, Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! But the most wonderful thing about Tiggers is, I'm the only one. T-I-double-guh-err".

I know, totally intimidating, right?

Regardless, the below photo made me laugh out loud-- and in my life, comedy will always rule over fear. That's just how I roll. YOU HEAR THAT, TIGGER? Uh, but if you would please still keep your soul-sucking, claw-sharpening cat away from me, that would be really, really great. Ok? Thanks.


That's what he said?

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