EXTRA! ENERGIZING!

It's supremely late, and I really should close my eyes because if you follow my twitter tweets (see right sidebar if you don't know what I'm talking about), you already know that the tone of my Thursday was set first thing in the morning when I attempted to drive to work with my purse on the roof of my car. It was a day to forget, believe me.

I'm getting back in my car at the crack of dawn, hopefully with my purse INSIDE the vehicle and my head out of my... what was I saying? This Saturday is Nikki Night in Atlanta. The last time I was in that section of the country, I came home and wrote up this list of things you'd never hear in Chicago. I can't wait for #4. It's one of the best things about being around southern gentlemen. OH, and I'm definitely going to have a moonpie and lemonade while I'm down there. If you don't know what THAT is, you are definitely missing out.

A little pre-travel tip for you: If you finally find yourself done with everything on your TTD list at 3 a.m. and decide to jump in the shower before crawling in bed to sleep for 3 hours before driving 9 hours, and if you'd like to keep that, "exhausted in both mind AND body" feeling post-shower, so when you get in bed sleep comes easily... don't use this:


Burt's Bees Extra Energizing Citrus & Ginger Root Body Bar.


In case you didn't notice, it's EXTRA! ENERGIZING! I love it, and it smells amazing, but I wish I was thinking straight when I decided to use it this time of night. My body is exhausted. My mind, however, is EXTRA! ENERGIZED!

Putting the Hump in Humpday: Obi-Wan Kenobi & Chewbacca sold separately

When I was a little kid, I absolutely loved Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi. LOVED them. I was the only girl on the block to have (or even care about having) that Luke Skywalker hovercraft toy. In all honesty, I got it because I was enthralled with the hovercraft, not because I was into Luke Skywalker. Even at such a young age, Han Solo was the guy for me. I was so into him that I looked past his stupid name and straight into his soul. In fact, just over a year ago, I wrote THIS POST about him.

I haven't actually seen any of those movies in at least 15 years. At least. While I could easily write this month's Humpday post about Han Solo--the obvious choice based on what you've just read-- I'm going a different route. This month's special dude? R2-D2. Just when you think you know me, I pick a non-human! This is my way of keeping you on your toes. You might be doubting my choice now, but I think you'll agree with me by the end of this post.

I was surprised at how excited I got as soon as the following promo video for this R2-D2 DVD projector started. It goes without saying that if I had an extra $3000 laying around to spend on toys, one of these babies would be on it's way to my door right this second. I confess this to you without shame: I'm pretty sure this video gave me my first DORKGASM, or the first one in at least 15 years.

Double-click on either 'play' arrow if you have trouble with the video

When Artoo leans all the way back, showing off his multi-positioning abilities, I actually gasped out loud. Seriously.

HIGH POINTS:
Millennium Falcon remote (both ridiculous and perfect)
DVD/CD player
260" diagonal projection
Multi-positioning (Swoon!)
Xbox 360/PS3/Wii connection
Safety sensor (I always loved his little, "wooowwww!")
Virtual surround sound
Video-In capabilities
Original R2-D2 sounds
USB stick & multi-card reader: music, video, photo
iPOD DOCK!!!! (money shot!)

LOW POINTS:
Are you seriously looking for something valid to be on this list? Did you even READ the high points? How could anyone complain after that? Alright, I'm just saying this because I know someone else is thinking it: the only thing missing is the capability to chill beer and cook a pizza. {UPDATE: There's a solution to the chilled beer situation in the comments!}


So, there you have it... June's Hump of the Month is a droid! It's anybody's guess who or what I'll pick for July. If you think I'm crazy, look what I found when doing my usual thorough Humpday research: A Star Wars movie theater inside someone's mansion!


Click HERE to read previous Humpday posts featuring actual human men.

Weekend Girl Talk, Part 5: Snail Mail Edition

Ahhh, Steel Magnolias. One of the most quotable chick flicks in film history. One of my oldest friends (who may or may not out herself in the comments) and I have been know to use Olympia Dukakis' classic line, "I love you more than my luggage" when closing e-mails or at the end of phone calls. So, when I got this card in the mail from her, I knew exactly what she was thinking when she saw it in the store.

When we travel, our dogs handle the suitcases. Wait a minute, I don't have a dog and that's not even our luggage!


The sentiment Hallmark thought to print on the inside was a nice thought, and one I agree with completely. However, it was very much overshadowed and outdone by what she wrote beneath it. Especially the part I highlighted:


Unfortunately, this is a deal-breaking point for both of us since we love men with the passion of 10,000 Banderases (ohh, that's a thought to carry me through the day), but if only it was that easy...


Want more Weekend Girl Talk? Here's PART 1, PART 2, PART 3 and PART 4.

Oye Como WHA?

Dear Carlos Santana,
You've been a giant in the music industry since the 70's. Your Abraxas album is a classic for the ages. In 2000, you won 8 (eight!) Grammys for your Supernatural album. You're #15 on Rolling Stone's 100 Greatest Guitar Players of All Time list. Your Milagro Foundation has helped countless underprivileged children around the globe for a decade. In the span of your on-going career, you've sold over 90 MILLION RECORDS and counting.

All of those accomplishments would satisfy a lot of people. Not you, though. Apparently you thought it was time to start designing, of all things, women's shoes. I'm not sure who encouraged you to go forward with this idea, but they should be fired immediately. I would like to suggest that you channel your creativity in other ways, because there is NO EXCUSE for this kind of "artistry":


NO...


...and HELL-to-the-NO!

You should design a specialty line of amps, guitars and guitar straps. Stick with what you know. Seriously.

Besos,
Jules

Looking for something "outdoorsy" to do this weekend?

Jake put this post up almost 2 weeks ago, and I'm still laughing about it. The best part of the visual in my head comes from his very last line.



Click to enlarge:

..."My God." Then run back into the woods.

Yes, SOMEONE PLEASE DO THIS! If you have an accomplice in charge of capturing people's reaction on video I'd be forever grateful.

I'd do this myself, but I have "indoor plans" with 3 Blue Men. It'll be our third date, so you know what THAT means!

Pie, Bomb, Ride

Today is all about The [Cherry].

I know you want to be best friends with him after seeing what is quite possibly the funniest picture of all time, but back off. I called it first!


I don't know how he found my blog (how DID you find my blog, Cherry?) but for me, it was love at first comment. Or maybe the love came a little bit later, I'm not sure. It could have been curiosity at first comment. Hoping to randomly bump into him in the grocery liquor store at first comment? Wishing he was my next door neighbor at first comment? I don't know. It was SOMETHING at first comment, and I immediately became addicted to his blog. He's funny, he's smart, he's charming, he's ADORABLE (I can't believe I left that out this morning!) and he's okay with me stalking him, which is probably only because he once stalked Crowded House's Neil Finn and knows the reaction should be flattery and not a restraining order. He's also a fan of Little Britain, which makes him the... hmmm, let me count... ONLY person I know who would get it if I said, "What a kerfuffle!"

It wasn't long after commenting on each other's blogs that personal e-mails were exchanged, activity coordination was attempted and a general feeling that being new BFFs was inevitable, but our connection was cemented the day I saw this post title on his blog:


Soulmates! The rest of you realize that I named this ENTIRE blog after my love for H.O.B., right?!


So Cherry, while you're off sunning yourself in the park today, I hope the person I sent to spank you does the job right. Next year, when we actually have photos together, your birthday post will be more entertaining for the masses. Until then, you're my favorite person I've never met... and my BFF come Fall when we're both in town at the same time and can actually meet up at House of Blues (or wherever!) as is suggested here:




I'll bring the birthday candles if you bring the Pancake Puffs:


I'm using the spanish commercial here because I love how the voiceover guy says, "Pancake POOF"


[Happy] Birthday, Cherry! If I was Sara Bareilles, I'd bring over cupcakes & make you a casserole!

Every Sidekick needs a Superhero, and she was mine

When I moved from Wisconsin to New York City by myself right after college, I learned quickly how expensive east coast living really was. My entry level graphic design paycheck hardly covered the rent, so I had to get a weekend job. Even though a 7-day workweek was going to be a difficult adjustment, I didn't have a choice. I applied for weekend shifts at a museum gift shop, which appealed to me for several note-worthy reasons:

1) It would (in theory) be less pressure-filled than my day job

2) I could actually put to use all the things I learned in Art History class

3) This job would be like getting paid to learn priceless information, and I knew it! An assemblage of famous artist fun facts makes a boring party better instantly. Nothing says icebreaker quite like sharing the knowledge that Andy Warhol's first attempt at film making was called Sleep, and featured 6 hours of a man--you guessed it-- sleeping; or the fact that the title of Marcel Duchamp's last painting was "You Bore Me"!

4) Since I wouldn't have time to socialize like a normal person, I'd need as many opportunities to make new friends as possible, and the people at work were going to be my best chance.

A few months into my back-breaking schedule, I met the latest addition to our museum shop crew. Like me, she worked full time somewhere else but needed a second income. We clicked immediately; both of us having braved The Big Move-- from the midwest to New York City-- around the same time, both supporting ourselves and feeling the stress of real world pressures, both interested in similar things. We decided to get together and do something fun, outside of work. The problem with a non-stop work week (a schedule that can start at 8a.m. on Monday and drag on through 10pm on Sunday night, only to start all over again at 8a.m. on Monday) is that it barely pauses long enough for you to eat & sleep, let alone socialize.

Finally, one Saturday night after closing, we hit a little bar nearby, fittingly called The Office. I figured the owners decided to name it as such in case their customers needed a good excuse for coming home with whiskey breath, and "I was at The Office!" might just do the trick. The Office is where we'd spend the most of what little off-the-clock time we had during those East Coast years; opting against dinner entrees in favor of budget-friendly (and delicious) salsa & chips just so we could afford margaritas. We'd sit at the bar and swap stories of our lives before The Big Move. We discussed all-things-art and reminisced on days when we didn't have to spend every waking moment working.

We were in our 20's; exhausted from the pace, constantly adjusting to the miles between ourselves and our loved ones, but were truly exhilarated by the city. On that very first night out together, we both said, "This place just FEELS like home" at the same time; which the bartender confused as a compliment to his place of employment. We meant that New York City felt like home, even with all of the challenges. Especially with all of the challenges. We understood every bit of what the other was going through in a way our friends & family back home couldn't. I said we should toast to being friends for a very long time, and that's exactly what we did.

Though our schedules never let up, she became my one of my closest friends. I would joke about her love for Lip Smackers™ (gloss of choice for the 10-year-old and under set) until she presented me with my own root beer flavored tube, and I was hooked (to this day I have 2 different flavors floating around in my bag at all times). In those rare instances when we took time off of work, she was the person I did most of my city adventuring with. We went to museums, window-shopped along Fifth Avenue, drank beer at Irish pubs, snuck into movies. We would laugh about our own life contradictions, like:

1) my steadfast belief that Van Gogh was overrated (my exact words were that I'd rather EAT paint than see his "Sunflowers" or "The Starry Night" ever again), yet I coveted his multi-canvas "Olive Grove" series; and

2) her apartment was filled with vintage furniture, yet her full time job as the manager for a fancy home furnishing store allowed for a deep discount on anything she wanted.

A handful of years later, I'd had enough of burning the candle at both ends. It was time to move to back to Chicago, near my family. Coincidentally, Nic got a huge job promotion and transfer to Chicago shortly thereafter. By then, I was freelancing and was looking for more work. The first thing she did upon reporting to her new job was to hire me as the display designer for the museum store windows, which meant that she could expense pricey dinners at nice restaurants to the company if we took the time to talk business. There were some very pressing business-y things that needed discussion, like what color polish would look best on her short nails and which of those multi-million dollar Olive Grove paintings would fit in with the furniture we'd circled in the IKEA catalog.

If all these things and more were the backbone of our friendship, the heart of it was laughter. There was never enough free time and there never was enough pocket change to scrape together back then, but there was always laughter.

There are so many memories that stand out in my mind, especially now. She was the kind of person who would finally, after months of badgering, rent a certain movie starring a certain actor and would then call to say, "Why didn't you TELL me he was in it? You did? Well, why didn't you tell me LOUDER?!". She was the kind of person who came up with the idea to stay on the phone with each other the entire 5 hours it took us to drive (very slowly) 40 miles in separate cars and opposite directions during a blizzard, just so one of us could get help for the other if we needed it. She was the kind of person who made a habit of sending her friends Wonder Woman™ cards, because she thought we were all Wonder Women.

Wonder Woman Nicole: "Beautiful as Aphrodite, wise as Athena, swifter than Hermes, and stronger than Hercules"? Yep, that sounds about right:

Remarkable moments with my remarkable friend.


She was the kind of person who, while going through radiation treatments and chemotherapy and seizures and massive headaches and nausea, made me earrings with flat silver beads that simply say, "LAUGH" on them; during a time when she had every reason to feel like doing the opposite. The medical experts gave her 6 months to live, but she defied them all and battled it out longer than anyone thought possible. She worked through the intense challenges that come along with brain cancer, the treatments prescribed and every complication imaginable.

She kicked cancer's ass for two whole years from the exact day of her diagnosis, and she fought to the very end without the use of bulletproof bracelets, a golden lasso or the ability to get away in an invisible plane. She was a real life superhero, and I was lucky enough to be her sidekick for awhile.

--

She didn't want a funeral, it wasn't her style. This was her wish: an evening in a central location where Nic's husband Tim, various family members and friends from all different stages in her life get to finally meet each other, swap stories, look through photos, laugh together and help each other choke back the tears as we celebrate her life. In a few weeks, we're all descending upon Atlanta from every direction for what we've come to call Nikki Night. We'll all be able to toast to our sweet friend Nic, with her very favorite margaritas. It'll be just as she wanted it.

I'll be thinking about the first of many margaritas we had together at The Office.

I'll be talking about the time she overheard me say to someone in casual conversation that I'd always wanted to go to an opera.*

I'll be wearing my little silver "LAUGH" earrings, and I can't wait.



*A couple of weeks later, she handed me The Metropolitan Opera schedule. When I asked her why, she said, "Pick one, we'll save up the money and go!", and that's exactly what we did.

Remarkably valiant, indeed

"Nicole Rothman, cherished wife of the Alabama Shakespeare Festival's Production Manager Timothy O'Connell, died peacefully at their home this morning after a remarkably valiant battle with cancer."

Me & Nicole in NYC at a 1998 SARK workshop.

Once some of these tears have dried, I'm going to tell you a little more about my sweet, yet kick-ass friend Nic. Then, for those of us who loved her with all of our hearts, life will have to go on; as it always does. There are just so many things to say about her, none of which are powerful enough to convey what I feel is left from this loss.

I know that you really would have liked her.

---


Nic's song... one more time, with feelin'.

Shine (Cyndi Lauper)
Shine I'll stand by you
Don't try and push me away 'cause I'm just gonna stay
You can shine, I won't deny you and don't be afraid it'll all be ok

Do you know my name
Well I ain't gonna take that big time line, won't be beat by a lie
Gonna call out to these embers waiting to ignite
Gonna pull you up by your love, by your love, and tell you

Shine I'll stand by you...

I can see the frown you wear all around like some faded crown
Like a watch over wound
Gonna call down to this diamond buried underground
Gonna pull you up by your love, by your love and tell you

When it's said and done what you need will come
and time won't let me let you let me waste it this time
Shine...

Public Service Announcement: After today, every time someone tags me, a butterfly loses it's ability to, uh... fly.

I've gotten tagged twice in the past week, and not in the good way (sorry, I couldn't resist). While I'm flattered when this happens (because it means they're interested in my answers, right?), my first instinct is to yell, "NO! NO! NO!" because I wonder if it's interesting reading for the majority of you. Having an actual conversation about these topics, I think, would be fun, but reading them? I don't know. Is it good for you? If you're not into it and would prefer I stick to my usual non-tagged posts, please let me know in the comments if for nothing else than I can hold it up as an example the next time someone tags me. In effect, I'll have YOU to blame. Thanks.

My mind is a steel trap, so I have not forgotten that I still owe a couple of people responses on previous tags. I will get to those, eventually, unless someone insists in the comments that I stop this sort of thing immediately if not sooner.

Without further ado...

I was tagged by the fabulous Kris (Chasing Fireflies) to write about my favorite quote, though the person who tagged her commented on HER post that it was supposed to be a favorite book tag. I actually have more quote books (yes, books full of quotes) than I care to admit; and I also have too many favorite books to hold only one in my highest regard, so I'll do my own version of this tag and give you one of my favorite passages from one of my favorite books, okay? OK. Warning in advance, the language is SALTY, so if you have virgin eyes, skip this next part.

Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris
This is from the chapter called "You Can't Kill The Rooster", featuring his street-wise younger brother Paul's hilarious antics and filthy mouth.

When a hurricane damaged my father's house, my brother rushed over with a gas grill, three coolers full of beer, and an enormous F**k-It Bucket— a plastic pail filled with jawbreakers and bite-sized candy bars. "When sh*t brings you down, just say 'f**k it,' and eat yourself some motherf**king candy."

If you haven't read this book, you should get your ass to Amazon, pronto. You can thank me later, with some candy.

-----

I was also tagged by the lovely Christy (Heavy on the Caffeine) to answer questions all having to do with the number 5. What made me laugh about this tag is that there are 8 questions. Does anyone else see the humor in that?

1) What were you doing 5 years ago?

Hmmm... 2003 was a big year for weddings and traveling; and traveling to get to weddings. I was also going to bachelorette parties, Karaoke-ing for the first time (at least the first time I did it ON PURPOSE), driving my friend Em's Mini Cooper around California in a road rally with other college friends, being surrounded by those same tuxedo-clad friends in one big group hug at a wedding, riding the huge ferris wheel (or as I like to call it: The Wheel of Death™) on the Santa Monica Pier, drinking Pacifico beer with my friends on Pacific Beach at Lahaina's (the best deck-in-the-sand bar in San Diego). There was also getting flown in by one of my favorite people in the galaxy, Mel, to be at one of my other favorite people in the galaxy's 30th luau, getting blown away by the surprise party my sister & Bro-in-Law threw for me. Then I spent time in NYC going to concerts like David Bowie and The Red Hot Chili Peppers and also enjoying post-show rooftop picnics; vacationing with the other members of The Fab Five at the Hard Rock Hotel in Florida, and finally ringing in the new year with some my college friends.

There may have also been some fuzzy cranium rubbing (aww yeah) and miscellaneous tongues involved in separate incidences, but you know, those are things that still (thankfully) happen for me. No, I don't have photographic evidence of EVERYTHING.

Here are 19 photos from 2003. If you let the little hand icon linger over each thumbnail before clicking on it, you'll see the caption, in case you aren't clear what is going on in the photo. Then click to see it all big-like. ("all big-like"? See? This is what tagging does to me. I start talking like David Sedaris' brother.)




2) What are/were 5 things on your to-do list today?

-Wake up (some people don't bother to put that on their TTD lists, but I say any job I can cross out as soon as my eyes flutter open is a job well done)

-Laundry/cleaning up the literal HOJ

-Mailing the winners of my HOJ Humpday contest their prizes. It's only been 2 months.

-Return some calls and e-mails that I haven't been able to get around to.

-Track down & scan some photos I have for my friend Nic's husband Tim

I got all of that done, as well as something that wasn't on my list: pulling 1/2 way into my parking spot at 9 a.m. and then pulling right the hell back out of it; then driving around in the beautiful weather for 45 minutes (gas prices be damned). This was just to avoid my neighbor who walks his cat--sometimes on a leash-- usually right outside of my door. I'm sad to say that I've done that more than once. He's a nice guy, but sometimes it's just too early in the day for me to deal with cats. Actually, there's never a good time of day for me to deal with cats.

3) What are 5 of your bad habits?

-Procrastination, though sometimes I use the excuse that I'm at my best under pressure. See also, Time Management Skills.

-I've been known to over-think certain situations/topics. Is that really a bad habit, though? (Oops, I'm over-thinking again).

-My nails go to hell when I'm under pressure. See also, Procrastination.

-I seem to be incapable of keeping my bedroom closet organized.

-Not getting as much sleep as I need to function at 100%.

4) What are 5 places you've lived?

-Chicago
-Texas
-Tennessee
-Wisconsin
-New York

5) What are 5 jobs you've had?

-High school job: Cashier/stocker at Hallmark
-College (school year job): K-mart electronics department (I was the only girl in the department, at the time it was a major coup)
-College (summer job): Chicago Bears training camp
-Real world job: Photographer
-Real world job: Graphic designer

6) What 5 snacks do you enjoy?

-tortilla chips
-salsa
-strawberries
-margaritas
-strawberry margaritas

Can you tell I didn't satisfy my mexican craving this weekend?

7) What 5 things would you do if you were a billionaire?

If I'm a billionaire I'm definitely going to be doing more than 5 things, but these are the top 5 on my list:

-Hire Suze Orman as my personal financial advisor

-Set up trusts for my family & friends

-Start a non-profit foundation for medical patient advocacy. Seeing all the red tape my friend Nic has dealt with in the past 2 years since she was diagnosed with cancer is so ridiculous & infuriating that there isn't even a word to describe it.

-Real estate! I'd buy my ideal arts & crafts-style Chicago Bungalow (or as my nephews & I call it: The Funkalow), a brownstone in NYC, a house in San Francisco, a pied-á-terre in Paris, and a place to lay my head in Italy (preferably in some hot Italian man's lap, but I'd take a villa on the Amalfi coast). Then I'd get everyone I love to come along with me. On my jet. Which has hot international playboy flight attendants. Who don't file sexual harassment claims.

-Finance the making of "St. Elmo's Goonies Candles Club"; the continuation of four of my favorite 80's movies, St. Elmo's Fire, Goonies, 16 Candles and The Breakfast Club. It will be epic.

That last one is not only to make one of my dreams come true, but also proves to the haters that even if I'm rich as hell, I'm the same girl I always was.

8) What 5 people do you want to tag?

I won't tag you, but if you want to tag yourself, go right ahead!

WELL GUESS WHAT BASTERT?

NOTE: I really, really needed some laughs this week, and what I'm about to share with you what did the trick; thanks to the voiceover dude, whoever he may be. Don't play around impressionable ears, or people who could fire you for cracking up. You've been warned.
_____

The House of Jules A.V. Club has never provided more laughs than in these 3 simple steps. What's that you say? H.o.J. has never even HAD an A.V. Club? Well, that previous statement is definitely true then, isn't it?


H.o.J A.V. Club Presents: 

A Dramatic Reading of a REAL Break-up Letter.

1). AUDIO: Click (or double-click if you have trouble) either play arrow on this Youtube video audio. I write audio because there isn't an actual video, it's just a very blurry version of the image in step 2. WITHOUT LISTENING TO THIS AUDIO, GOING ON TO STEP 2 IS  A WASTE OF YOUR TIME. STEPS 1 & 2 ARE REQUIRED FOR YOU TO COMPLETE STEP 3.


Your eyes are not deceiving you, the image is blurry. You only need this for audio anyway. Just relax & click (or double-click) play.


2). VISUAL: Click the below image to enlarge in a new window so you can read along with the dramatic re-enactment audio (from step 1). 

"You make me touch your hands for stupid reasons"

3). Laugh your ass off.