'F' as in Phonetic

As someone whose last name ends with double f's, I grew up hearing my parents tell other people, "'f' as in Frank, 'f' as in Frank" whenever getting the spelling right was important. This comes up in life more often than you think, and there are certain letters in the alphabet that sound distinctly and consistently like another letter altogether. I can't tell you how many times I've run into lost reservations or communication errors simply because "'f', 'f'" sounds a lot like "'s', 's'".

Just about the time I hit college, I took on the "'f' as in Frank, 'f' as in Frank" thing... but over the years have decided to spice it up from time to time. It's all about avoiding monotony, really. I have actually used the following replacements for "Frank-Frank":

"'F' as in fo'shizzle, 'F' as in fo'shizzle"

"'F' as in festivus, 'F' as in for the restivus"

"'F' as in finger guns, 'F' as in finger guns... pew pew (childlike gun sounds)" (using this one when face-to-face with someone is most effective. I highly recommend putting it to use at fancy places, topping it all of with a little wink at the end.)

"'F' as in Fight Club, 'F' as in Fight Club... but we do not talk about Fight Club"

"'F' as in effing get this right, 'F' as in if you eff this up I will hunt you down in the darkness of night"

It's the little things that make me giggle.

When I saw The Unhelpful Phonetic Alphabet earlier today over at The Ragbag it made me laugh so 'f' as in freaking hard that I've only stopped long enough to share it with the rest of you!


I really, really wish my name had a 'd' in it so I could say, "'d' as in double-you".


I can already hear myself making reservations for Jeremy & I:

"Yes, Mr. & Mrs. Jeremy Piven. 'P' as in pneumonic, 'i' as in ichthyoacanthotoxism, 'v' as in vajayjay, 'e' as in effect, 'n' as in naughty."


Naughty, indeed!



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Not for the easily offended

You read the title, right? Mmmkay, you've been warned. This makes two posts in a row with the potential for a pillow fight ending. Sorry guys, that last post about my Angelina dream didn't deliver, but this one just might....

Some of my friends were talking about how the significant others decided to go on a man's trip this weekend. The conversation evolved into a retaliatory Ladies Night. That'll show 'em! One of the Lovely Ladies came up with the idea to have a Vaginatine's Party tomorrow night. You read that correctly, I don't have to repeat it. The gauntlet has been thrown down, we women are a witty bunch and are all bringing V-themed food & drink. Last week, I was text messaging with my friend Scooter with our random ideas, which included:

Scooter's ideas:
Fish tacos
Crab dip
O-face rings
Tuna casserole
Head cheese platter
Cream pie

My ideas:
Forbidden fruit salad
Finger sandwiches
Landing strip steak
French silk panty pie
Crab cakes
Muffins
Yeast rolls
Erogenous scones (I am proudest of this one.) (That is sad.)
Pork loin (a joke in itself)
Beef curtains (I actually found a recipe for flank steak that I'm calling Beef Curtains for the purpose of this party.)

The friend responsible for the party theme idea is bringing "Labia Lick-her" for our party beverage. Beaverage?

My own mother wanted to help me out with suggestions while I was brainstorming and emailed me a recipe for chocolate covered cherries. She called me to say, and I quote, "You can call them poppin' cherries!" If you knew how much of an actual-for real-not joking LADY my mom is, you would understand better how I am both amused and offended by her suggestion, or rather that I didn't think of it myself. I'm totally going to make those, by the way.

I can't wait to see what the other girls are bringing. Some of their ideas are not even fit to print. Oh boy... and so it begins. Enjoy your weekend, however you celebrate it! I'll have a beaverage for you. A drink, I mean.

Pablo for President 2044!

I will have a longer post later tonight about cats & bacon (for real!), but until then, there's this:



No matter which way you lean, you gotta admit this is kinda funny. Don't you? Really? C'mon, laugh a little. It keeps you young. Personally, I thought it was hilarious except for the bombing Vietnam part.

Let it be known that from here on out, I'll be ending all conversations with, "I'm done with this."

My conversation with Madonna

In 4 easy steps:

1) I read just enough media coverage of her marriage contract and subsequent divorce/visitation rules that were allegedly put in place to keep her world from spinning 'round the wrong way.

Doing so has seemingly shrunken my capacity for catering to bullsh*t (which as you probably guessed isn't sizable to begin with) down to the size of a peanut. Coincidentally, she prefers her men's juevos to be peanut-sized as well.

2) I watched the following video of Madonna on stage performing Human Nature, which consists mostly of her singing, "...and I'm not sorry, it's human nature. I'm not your b*tch, don't hang your sh*t on me", until Britney Spears joins her on stage and Madonna adds, "I'M NOT YOUR B*TCH... SHE'S NOT YOUR B*TCH!".

I was hoping Madonna would then point at Britney and say, "Nobody puts Baby in a corner!", but it was not to be.


I really have always liked this song, though.

3) Human Nature played on an endless loop in my head for about 16 hours yesterday. I was working hard on a photo shoot, so it was awkward when I'd sing just loud enough for my clients to hear me say something about not being their b*tch.

4) After all of the above, last night Madonna & I met for drinks (in a dream), where I sat her down to say this in an extremely firm tone:

"We can agree on this: You're not MY b*tch, but you ARE a b*tch."

Then, I left her there, alone at the bar. She was no doubt berating herself for failing to have had me sign a friendship contract.