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Thursday, June 14, 2007

Morning: 5, Me: 0. Congrats, Morning. You win!

Being a night person has plenty of benefits. These benefits do not, unfortunately, include BEING ALERT first thing in the morning. I've always been a person who functions well anytime after 10 a.m. You might see me up and around before that time of day, but don't hold me accountable for performing any tasks you have asked of me or assume that I'll have anything more than a vague, detached memory of anything you've talked about--especially if I was actually asleep and you have decided to wake me up to have a conversation. Trust that it's in your best interest to wait until I'm actually "with it" or "of this earth" or "not snarling at the daylight".

My sister Missy, who I lovingly refer to as "Chipperface", is perfectly delightful first thing in the morning and has a tendency to wake up singing. In the past, she even tried to wake me up with the "GOOD MORNING TO YOU" song (Some free advice? Don't try to sing me awake). She got all the morning genes between the 2 of us, and would never do any of the things that I've done to myself in the morning. She's probably thinking up a song right now about my a.m. calamities that she'll sing to herself as soon as her adorable, chipper face pops off her pillow in the morning, naturally 5 minutes before her alarm goes off.

Want to see what daybreak was like around our house growing up? Check out this Folgers commercial. The people in yellow represent my sister and mom. My dad & I are everyone else, but nobody more than that growling dog. Perfection.

It's nothing personal, it's just all that daylight and happiness.

What happened this morning will illustrate the kind of week I'm having, and it's 5th in a life-long series of a.m. mishaps that a morning person would never, ever do as they get ready for work. It started as a typical weekday:


6:30: Alarm, specifically placed across the room so I have to get up to shut it off, comes on at full blast. It's a rude awakening because, well, it's always a rude awakening.

6:31: Get up, smack snooze, back to bed for just a few minutes.

6:45: Cell phone alarm (specifically placed on desk so I have to at least lean out of bed to shut it off) comes on at full blast.

6:46: Shut off cell phone alarm, stretch. Blink rapidly, squint at the daylight, tally up how many hours of sleep I actually got--which happens to be the most amount of brain power I use until later in the day when I get to work, where I get paid for using brain power (makes sense, right?).

6:50: Hit the shower. Begin usual bathing process involving soap, Origins Ginger body scrub (or some kind of good-smelling scrub to help wake me up), facial cleanser, shampoo & conditioner. While conditioner is conditioning, I shave. After that, rinse out conditioner.


Any other day, my shower time would end there. Any other day, that would be the case. Not today, though. Nope. Today, after I rinsed conditioner out of my hair, I actually (without thinking, of course) applied facial cleanser to my hair. You'd assume that my first thought was "Oh MAN! I just put face wash in my hair! Why would I do that? That makes no sense at all". Wrong! Instead, I thought: "Oh MAN! Why would you put that on your hair AFTER the conditioner instead of beforehand?". I guess because the shampoo and cleanser bottles are similar in size and shape, my brain was trying to justify that typical-for-me morning short circuit.

I'm a pro at that kind of thing happening when I wake up. Here are 4 other notable things I've done that a morning person would never do:
1) I had cereal for breakfast one morning in college--a rare occasion during those years of off-campus living because it was too much to ask me to get to 8 a.m. classes on time AND eat something before getting there. About a week after said breakfast, my roommates and I noticed a smell that we couldn't quite place until we opened up one of the kitchen cabinets nobody used. I had inadvertently put the carton of milk in that dark, empty little cabinet instead of back into the refrigerator.

In my college advertising class, our project group actually conceptualized this EXACT thing before Kellogg came up with it: cereal & milk to go. It could have helped me avoid that whole milk-in-cabinet thing. Sidenote & fun fact: My good friend Jason's grandfather actually came up with the old Kellogg's Frosted Flakes slogan, "The Taste Adults have Grown to Love"! Remember those commercials with the adults sitting in the dark, confessing that they had not only eaten, but enjoyed the cereal they bought for their kids?


2) Wisconsin winters made for nights of going to bed with wool socks on. There were countless high school mornings when I stepped into the shower with those things still on my feet, and there's nothing less comfortable, or harder to get out of, than a soaking wet 100% wool sock.

If you get these bad boys wet, you might as well call the Jaws of Life to cut you out of them.

3) A couple of years ago I upgraded from driving an '88 Integra to a 2003 (pre-owned, but new to me!) dream machine. It was the first car I've ever had that came with modern-day miracles such as power windows, air conditioning, a rear-view mirror not held up with fishing line--and, OH!-- not only a radio that works but a CD player! Total score. After about a month of getting used to such luxuries, I was leaving my apartment earlier than usual one morning because I had a client meeting downtown. It was barely light out and needless to say, I was in full-on GROG mode.

I turned to close & lock my door but instead of sticking the key in, I actually depressed the lock button on my car remote key fob. When I didn't hear the door beep (like my car does when I press that button), I realized that maybe it's time to start my days with coffee, tea or even pixie sticks (could I re-use the pixie straws to hold my eyes open?); anything to give me some kind of a.m. brain jolt.

This will not work on the door of your house.

4) By far, the most initially alarming one to this day: When I was living out east I had to catch a certain train to work, and if I missed it, I was up a creek because they only came once an hour. I woke up late one morning and was running around trying to get ready. The night before I had a hot dinner & movie date that consisted of bad chinese food and then seeing the horrendous movie FACE/OFF. Oh, did I say it was a hot date? I meant terrible. Anyway, I've never forgotten it because of what I'm about to describe. That next morning, as I was running late, I washed my face before heading out and then I loaded it up a cotton ball with facial toner; quickly rubbing it all over my forehead and cheeks. Just as I was swiping over my chin I realized that the toner smelled really foul.

I looked down and realized what I had just done. Before I knew it, I was yelling, "OH MY GOD, I JUST USED NAIL POLISH REMOVER ON MY FACE!" which was followed by total panic. For a moment, I thought my skin would surely melt from whatever it is they put in that stuff, ohmigawd what DO they put in that stuff? It removes paint!, and then I remembered that nail polish remover gets on the skin of my fingers whenever I use it, so there really was no need to call poison control or Sally Hansen. I could simply wash my face again without needing a face transplant like the John Travolta/Nick Cage characters in the movie from the night before.


Morning might have scored another point on me today, but you'll never see anyone better at applying nail polish remover to her NAILS or facial cleanser to her FACE in the middle of the night than I am. My finest, most capable hours are 9 p.m. through 3 a.m.; to be sure. Feel free to serenade me during that time.

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