One thing is for sure; the USA should be proud of itself for impressing upon every generation (mine included) the abililty to totally bullshit your way through a question for which you do not know the answer.
In that particular respect, both of these ladies are brilliant, and frankly? Entertaining.
"...so we will be able to build up our future for our children." With maps?
Someone's getting bonus points for the B.S.'ing through the answer of a question she didn't even understand the concept of to begin with:
"His world view, you mean?" Uh, not quite.
Let's review:
Not knowing the answer to why 20% of "US Americans" can't locate our own country on a map for a teen beauty pagent is okay.
Not knowing what the Bush Doctrine is when you're running for the 2nd in charge to the leader of the free world is not okay.
Even I know what the Bush Doctrine is, but I'm not running for V.P.
It just occurred to me that ALL political ads should end with, "I'm ______________, and I approved this MESS". At least it would be an accurate statement.
I've been friends with Crossley for 25 years (since 3rd grade), and even though I know her better than anyone else does, it's truly remarkable how often I'm in awe of what comes out of her mouth. She says things that are so brilliantly unexpected, so beautifully uncrafted, that it would be impossible for me to exaggerate these gems.
It's in her DNA to spout off quotable statement after quotable statement because both of her parents are masters at it, and their own quotables will start showing up around here, so prepare yourselves accordingly. In conversation, I have always called them "Crossley-isms", and now they have their own label at the bottom of each featured post I write. They will earn it, having their own specific label, trust me.
Even when completely sober and not lashing out at animated woodland creatures like she did in this classic post (which you must click to read, especially if you missed it the first time!), she's so quotable! This next one still cracks me up and it happened almost 10 years ago, when we were traipsing around Europe together for an entire month. One particular day, we were checking out the sites in London, not unlike this:
Look kids! There's Big Ben, Parliament!
Which brings us to this morning, when I was doing some online holiday shopping and I stumbled across these cute little magnets, which reminded me of that day in London. We were walking along and came upon some beautiful urban landscaping.
Crossley: Look! I love these koi ponds! I've never seen one this big before. Check out the fish!
Me: Boom town fish! It's bizarre to see this randomly in the middle of the city instead of someone's backyard.
Crossley: When I get my own house, I'm definitely going to build my own koi pond, and I'm going to get a bunch of those cool fish, too. What are they called, anyway?
Me: [...] Koi.
Crossley: What?
Me: K-O-I. Koi. It's Japanese for "carp".
Crossley: Ooooh right.
(Lest you think otherwise, she is a highly intelligent person. Her day job as the lone female working with the men of her city in the field of engineering is no cake walk. She makes sure the tall buildings won't fall over, and that you aren't constructing houses over sacred burial ground. The brain power she uses for this kind of responsibility is no joke, especially because she sacrifices all of her brain cells and "thinking time" to her job. I should definitely be paying her for this kind of entertainment.
I was never very good at math until 10th grade, when I started getting A's. It was quite a turnaround from the previous year, one that would forever be remembered smartly as 'The year I got an F in math class'. When my math scores bounced from an F to straight A's, my parents attributed my 180-degree improvement to my newfound dedication to studying, homework, preparation. All of which I did with a smile.
The real motivation behind my top scores? I had a big crush on someone in that class. We had assigned seats and I was the one whose desk was squarely in front of his, and knowing that we'd be face-to-face every single day meant that I put as much work into my math drills as I did my crimped hair. A LOT. Certainly I earned each good mark with the studying, homework and preparation that my parents credited, but the impetus behind all of that work was the biggest cliché ever:
I was a hot for teacher (along with every other girl who took his class).
In honor of Thanksgiving, this glorious Pumpkin "Pi" goes out to him, my 10th grade math teacher; Mr. Hottyman (not his real name, but close enough):
I'm a huge fan of quirky british humor (Ricky Gervais or Stephen Merchant , marry me?), and I recently finished watching the first season of BBC's Little Britain, which, if you don't already know of it, is a character driven sketch show. The 2 creators, Matt Lucas and David Walliams play all the main/recurring characters--no matter the age or sex--with the help of costume and make-up.
To describe it as "quirky humor" is an understatement. Since I think the quirkier, the better, I'm happy to report that I loved it.
It became unexpectedly biographical after I enjoyed several sketches featuring one of my favorite characters on the show, "Stage Hypnotist Kenny Craig". His personality reminded me of someone but I couldn't put my finger on it until a few days later when I was telling a friend about the show.
Finally, it hit me. For a short while, I dated a guy JUST LIKE HIM, except he was less a hypnotist and more a determined manipulist (I think I just made that word up, but you know the kind of person I'm talking about). I wouldn't have put anything past him in his quest to get his own way 100% of the time. He was very good at walking that thin line between being maddeningly conniving and maddeningly charming-- which in the end turns out to be one in the same: totally maddening.
With the exception of the fact that I would never order lobster or champagne on a date, this is frighteningly close to what it was like when we went out:
A more accurate version of my time spent with the real life Kenny Craig-like person would have gone like this: "Look into my eyes, look into my eyes, the eyes, the eyes, not around the eyes, don't look around the eyes, look into my eyes... (snaps fingers) ...you're under! Proving that I'm eternally consumed with myself, and therefore have no idea what qualities you look for in a man; instead focusing on my own locker room hang-ups, after tonight you will tell your friends how incredibly capable I am, and that I'm practically super-human. Specifically, you will ensure they think that it was THIS. BIG. You will hold up your hands like such, indicating something huge and impressive--because I'm projecting onto you the only thing I think women deem as important--which insinuates that you are a shallow person and proves that I am an idiot. You will absolutely NOT mention my deep-seated insecurities, which are glaringly obvious in the way that I try, unsuccessfully, to manipulate you. 3-2-1, you're back in the room!"
I think Kenny Craig is even funnier now that I have realized who he reminds me of, but maybe it's because I was looking into his eyes, looking into his eyes, his eyes, his eyes, not around his eyes, not looking around the eyes, but looking into his eyes.
***
In case you're at work and can't actually watch the above YouTube clip (though I highly recommend it--I think it's WAY funnier with the tone and english accent), here is the transcript:
Announcer: Stage Hypnotist, Kenny Craig, is on a date.
Kenny Craig, Stage Hypnotist: I usually just have a starter and find that's enough.
Date: It's nice here. It's funny, I don't remember saying I'd go on a date with you. I don't know what to have, it all looks so nice.
Kenny Craig, Stage Hypnotist: The set menu is very reasonable.
Date: OH! They do baked lobster. I've never had lobster before. I'll have that.
Kenny Craig, Stage Hypnotist:(rolls eyes, annoyed) Look into my eyes, look into my eyes, the eyes, the eyes, not around the eyes, don't look around the eyes, look into my eyes... (snaps fingers) ...you're under! In a moment, the waiter will appear and when he does, you will order from the set menu; 3 courses, $8.95. You will NOT order the lobster. 3-2-1, you're back in the room!
Date: OH! There's lots of things I like on the set menu. You don't mind ordering from the set menu, do you?
Kenny Craig, Stage Hypnotist: Hey, whatever you want, you know. That's fine. Do you know what you want to drink yet?
Date: Seeing as it's a special occasion, it'd be lovely to have a bottle of bubbly.
Kenny Craig, Stage Hypnotist:(annoyed again) Look into my eyes, look into my eyes, the eyes, the eyes, not around the eyes, don't look around the eyes, look into my eyes... (snaps fingers) ...you're under! You will choose a soft drink, you will NOT, repeat NOT order champagne. I know it's our first date and I don't even fancy you that much, and I really resent you bleeding me dry here. 3-2-1, you're back in the room!
Waiter: Are you ready to order, madam?
Date: Yes, I'll order from the set menu, please. I'll have the spring roll and chicken chow mein.
Waiter: And, to drink?
Date: Just a glass of water.
Kenny Craig, Stage Hypnotist:Tap water!
Waiter: And, for sir?
Kenny Craig, Stage Hypnotist: I'm not really hungry. I'll just have the lobster and a bottle of champagne. (!!!)
Have you ever been to a restaurant where they'll make you a "real" cherry coke with coca-cola, cherries, and grenadine (or just cherry juice)? If you haven't, you are seriously missing out. Never fear though; you can make them yourself at home! FYI: I only do this every once in a while because they're totally addictive.
I was at the grocery store the other night and was parched. Could have been the 1000 degree weather, I don't know... it doesn't really matter. What DOES matter is that I just so happened to be walking slowly down the condiment aisle when a beautiful light from the heavens--or possibly just the fluorescents above aisle 7--drew my eyes to the most glorious thing I have ever seen next to a jar of olives: May I introduce you to the whiskey spiked cherry?
Whiskey 'Spiked' Tipsy Cherries 'Cocktail ready' long stemmed colossal cherries spiked with Malt Whiskey. Perfect for the classic Manhattan and the trend setting Vogue Martini. -Deep, rich burgundy color -Shapely, firm and long stemmed -Perfect cocktail, dessert and hors d'oeuvres garnish
How, in all my years of enjoying dirty martinis with Sable and Rosenfeld's blue cheese stuffed olives, did I not realize that they had drunken cherries just lazing about on the grocery store shelves? How, I ask you?
Suddenly, I was overwhelmed with the possibilities within each jar of wasted cherries. Once I got past the excitement over cherry coke with whisky cherry garnishes, I thought, "Hello Jack & Coke. I'm about to blow your liquid mind and drop a tipsy cherry or two in here. Don't worry, Jack & Coke! It's still going to be "you", only BETTER"... and so it was.
If you know what reality show the title of this post refers to, you must be as uncomfortable as I am on Sunday nights. Yet, you still watch, don't you? I know, it's so wrong.
I'm not REALLY engaged to Jeremy Piven, as my profile photo would suggest. It's photoshop, people... but do me a favor and play along, will you? Thanks.
