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Monday, May 28, 2007

Tastes like Pompous Blowhard™?

With the success of Donald Trump™'s House of Wings®™, I wasn't surprised to see a new Trump™ product on the cover of the latest Sharper Image catalog.

Donald Trump™ on Donald Trump's House of Wings™: "The most important thing I've ever done in my life."

Introducing Trump™ Steaks, presumably made from Trump™ cows!

Donald Trump™ on Trump's Cows™: "Cows with the best looking comb-overs I've ever seen in my life."


Putting the "rump" in "Trump™"

Go get yourself a bottle of Trump™ Vodka to go with that Trump™ Steak, and I'd say you have an evening that Trumps™ all the rest!

Friday, May 25, 2007

Because spending more than $1 for a reputable product elsewhere wasn't a priority. Besides, this is where they bought the condoms.

Overheard by a remote "House of Jules" correspondent while paying the cashier for disposable foil roasting pans in one of those ".99 cents" type-of-stores. Please note that "Random shopper" is not a code name for me. I wasn't even there when this happened, but oh, how I wish I was.

Random shopper: (oblivious to the people waiting in line, says to cashier) Do you sell pregnancy tests here?

Cashier: You know you're in "The Dollar Store", right?


This is what you find when you search Google images using "Pregnancy Test Dollar Store" as keywords. Good stuff!

Monday, May 21, 2007

It could also stand for "Dunderhead"


Here is a highlight from a recent conversation with a friend who is back on the social scene after the conclusion of a very-long-term relationship. Her kids were in the next room so we were censoring our normally saucy conversation to a certain degree.


Friend: I haven't heard from him in 3 weeks.

Me: Think he's trying to blow you off?

Friend: It sure feels like it. I hope he realizes that because he is 38 years old, I kind of thought he was an adult. I've been the one to keep things casual between us, and we were friends for a long time before this. If he's not into it anymore, he should just tell me.

Me: Agreed.

Friend: I'm just confused about it. ESPECIALLY because he's the one who, last month, brought up the"D"-word!

Me: The "D"-word? {Mentally scanning through all the "D"-words in my brain, but not coming up with anything that would, in context, make any sense} What's the "D"-word?

Friend: {Trying to whisper what the mystery word is, incomprehensible due to her muffled snickering}

Me: Hmmm, this is completely throwing me. Let me think a second. {In my head I've gotten all the way to dysphoria, which is the last of the "D"-words that I can come up with, and I don't know why it would be confusing if he brought up "dysphoric" and now she doesn't know why he's been M.I.A. That can't be what the "D" stands for.}

Friend: {Loudly giggling, still unable to get the word out}

Me: I mean, if you said that he brought up the "F"-word, or the "C"-word, I would know exactly what you're talking about. You're going to have to help me out here.

Friend: {Howling with laughter} "DATING", Julie! The "D"-word he brought up was "dating"!

Me: Oh. Well, then I can see why you're so confused.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

I'll never get back that one hour, 39 minutes and 41 seconds of my life, but the sting of writing you this letter pains me more



No, no, no! Please stop.

Dear Zach Braff,
If someone would have told me that one day I would not enjoy you completely--in every way--I would have laughed in their face and probably done something totally out of character for me: throw in a nasty comment about their mother or sister, driving home the point that they have no idea how little you have to do for me to want to kiss your face off.


See? You're hardly doing a thing in this scene, yet still remain utterly charming.



Put those defibrillator paddles down so we can get to it! Lose the other people first, though. I only do this kind of thing in front of friends while dreaming.



The fact that you wrote, directed and starred in the loved-by-me movie, Garden State, cemented my confidence in having no expectations of your work, because in Garden State your character was the polar opposite of your character on Scrubs. Therefore, I would like you in any role, or so I thought.

After watching your latest movie, The Last Kiss, I realized that I actually do have expectations of you. You didn't meet them in this film, unfortunately. I would have to apologize (especially for that nasty comment I made about their wonderful mother) to the person who warned me about the-day-I-wouldn't-enjoy-you, except there was nobody to apologize to. I have been living in a world where nothing bad is said about your acting, there was no warning from anybody. This is a sad moment for me, because now I'm going to have to tell people to avoid this movie.


I see that you're surprised at my disappointment. I'll have you know that I was making this same kind of face throughout most of the movie. This whole experience has been quite an eye-opening shocker for the both of us.

As you know, The Last Kiss is a remake of the Gabriele Muccino Italian film L'Ultima Bacio; the second of a film triad in between Come Te Nessuno Mai (But Forever in My Mind) and Ricordati di Me (Remember Me, My Love); all of which I liked. Something must have gotten lost in translation for the American remake. Muccino is brilliant at creating self-centered characters in his movies. I'm sorry to say that you aren't believeable when acting like one, which in a way is a compliment (right?).

While I'm tempted to say, "Take The Last Kiss and kiss off forever, Zach Braff!", you & I both know we'll be together again during the week when I watch you on those Comedy Central Scrubs reruns. See you then.

Love,
Jules


Hey, it's my song!

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Hey Eugene! Pourquoi ne m'avez-vous pas appelé?


Pink Martini: A reminder of the male-to-female ratio of my days attending UW-Platteville, but with less engineering emphasis, no flannel shirts to be found and infinitely more musical talent.

For 29 glorious days in 1999, I was fortunate enough to go to Europe with my oldest friend (of 24 years) and her family. We traveled throughout Italy, Austria, Germany, Switzerland, Paris and London.

I was on a limited souvenir budget so when I saw something I wanted (basically anytime my eyes were open), I only bought it if I absolutely loved and couldn't leave without it. That was a great system to use, as each of those purchases are still- almost 10 years later- absolute prized possessions. I was determined while traveling overseas to come home with some music to remind me of the trip. I hadn't found it until we were in Paris, when in I saw a huge blow-up of this in a record store window near the inverted pyramid inside The Lourve:


Imagine my surprise when I opened this CD and realized Pink Martini wasn't a band out of Paris, but Portland!

I knew immediately, without even hearing the music, that I was going to buy that CD. I was totally sucked in by the Doisneau-esque cover photo. Luckily, Pink Martini is a group of incredible musicians and since 1999 I've enjoyed Sympathique - as well as their 2004 sophomore effort, Hang On Little Tomato - countless times.


Who could resist an album with a title like this?

Pink Martini's third CD, Hey Eugene! came out today.


Oddly similar to every vintage party picture from my mom's side of the family

They were also on NPR's Morning Edition:

The Broken Romances of Pink Martini's 'Eugene'
Morning Edition, May 15, 2007


Pink Martini, featuring lead singer China Forbes and music director Thomas Lauderdale, infuses its music with an international flavor.

Hey Eugene, you probably think the new Pink Martini album is about you. And you're right.
Take the title track:

Hey Eugene.
Do you remember me?
I'm that chick you danced with two times
Through the Rufus album
Friday night at that party
On Avenue A ...

The song is about a guy who promised to call lead singer China Forbes after meeting her at a party. But he never did.

The story of a romance that doesn't work out makes its way through much of the Hey Eugene! CD. Pink Martini translates this simple theme into different kinds of music — even different languages. The band, led by Thomas Lauderdale, consists of a dozen highly trained musicians, many of them symphony players, who play songs inspired by 1950s pop tunes, or foreign movie soundtracks and even TV theme songs. The chorus at the end of "Hey Eugene," for example echoes of 1970s sitcom staples, Good Times and The Jeffersons.

There are songs in Arabic — "Bukra Wba'do," ("Tomorrow and the Day After"). And Portuguese — "Tempo Perdido" ("Lost Time"). Performing in NPR's Studio 4A, the band played two versions of "Tempo Perdido." The first was the original fast tempo — too fast, Forbes says. "When you make an album, you realize that really fast songs are tedious upon repeated listen," she tells Steve Inskeep. "Once you get through it you never want to play it again. That's just not what we go for with our albums." But the band does want its listeners to keep reliving the heartbreak of Hey Eugene!

But if the real Eugene is paying attention and changes his mind, Forbes says she hopes he doesn't try to call her. "It is way too late," she says. Will he even know that the album is about him?

"Oh, he'll know," she says. "He'll know."


You can listen to their appearance on Morning Edition here.



Live performance of Una Notte Napoli, from 'Hang on Little Tomato'


If you like world music/musical variety, you will like Pink Martini. If you ever get the chance, I highly recommend going to one of their live shows, and I offer you the impossible challenge of resisting the urge of shaking your ass to their multicultural beat!

Monday, May 14, 2007

Google Ads ask question, then answers for you; turns out "emo" worse than "stupid"



I did not make this up, these were actual ads, exactly as they were listed on one of the entertainment blogs I read. I did not feel inclined to take either quiz.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Fingers crossed Hallmark will declare it official starting in 2008

Post Mother's day festivities/gift presentations/talent show at Missy & Jim's house tonight, my 12-year-old nephew Jason & I had this exchange before heading to dinner:

Jason: "Happy Aunt's day!"

Me: "Oh, too bad for me there is no such holiday. Nope, it's just Mother's Day today, not 'Aunt's Day'."

Jason: "It is to me!"

I think he was trying to say something after that but I was too busy hugging all the air out of him to hear it.

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

Chewbacca ready to rumble "Wookie Style" until he read the story beyond the headline

This headline deserves a Pulitzer:



What every Star Wars fan imagined when reading the headline, though secretly have been imagining it for years:

Click to enlarge

Skywalkers in Korea Cross Han Solo
They came from all over the world, poles in hand, and feet ready to inch more than half a mile across a high wire strung over the Han River in a spine-tingling battle of balance, speed and high anxiety.

As part of its annual city festival, the South Korean capital staged Thursday what was billed as the world's first high-wire championship, drawing 18 contestants from nine countries for three days of supreme feats of concentration. Each acrobat must navigate the 1.2-inch-thick wire that spans the river, with the top prize of $15,000 going to the person crossing it fastest.


An actual "skywalker" photographed "crossing Han (River) Solo".

The iron cable was supported by 72-foot-high towers on either bank of the river. A safety net was deployed under the sections of the wire over the riverbanks; otherwise the walkers faced a plunge into the swirling gray water. The main wire — with yellow flags every 82 feet — was supported by stabilizing lines to keep it from swaying sideways, but it sagged under its weight across the middle of the river, meaning the drop to the water was actually much lower.

Fastest across Thursday was Abdusataer Dujiabudula of China, who seemed to dance over the wire as he finished in about 11 minutes. His loose-fitting red and gold costume fluttered in the breeze, and he high-fived a man on the high platform as he finished. "It feels very good. It feels all right. It was very tight," he said, adding that he got tired about two-thirds of the way across.

Pedro Carrillo of Reno, Nev., said it would be "something very big" for him to complete such a distance. The 60-year-old acrobat has been wire-walking for 43 years. "I feel the wind, that's all I worry about," said Carrillo. "But I think I can keep going once I start." And so he did, completing the walk in 17 minutes and 7 seconds — the same time as Kwon.

The winner of the competition will be announced Saturday.

Source

Chewbacca's mom quoted as, "Relieved". Click here for 'a word to the wise' from Han Solo.

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

See what happens when cheese stops being polite...and starts getting real. Real moldy.

I can't believe this special brand of reality TV has been going on since December and I just found out about it tonight. I was trying to pay attention to Anderson Cooper AND read the crawl at the bottom of the TV screen simultaneously, but you know it's usually one or the other. I know some of you are jaded cynics (err, proud skeptics?) and would never believe that this wasn't just made up by **The Farmer in the Dell, but I assure you, sirs and madams, that this is a real story out of England. It's also great news for my drunk friend who could use a hunk of this to put on the DVD player when watching Bambi.

WESTCOMBE, England - Aging cheddar Web site cultivates a following
Call it a cheesy publicity stunt, but one cheese maker's approach to bringing attention to a millenniums-old food-making practice has become an odd fascination on the Internet. Since www.cheddarvision.tv debuted in December, the Web site offering a live broadcast of a round slab of English cheddar cheese slowly maturing has had more than 1.2 million hits. From a group of middle school students in Florida to a 32-year-old, self-described cheese freak in London, the increasingly moldy cheddar is cultivating cult status.

"We sat around the table, wondering how we could get across to people how long it takes to produce a traditional cheese," said Tom Calvar, the 20-something cheese whiz from the dairy cooperative West Country Farmhouse Cheesemakers, of which his family's farm is a member. "We thought, why not have a live webcam feed of it, just 24-7? And that's what we did."

The 23-kilogram, or about 50 pound, cheese lies on an upper-level shelf in a dank storage barn in Westcombe, about a three-hour drive southwest of London. The celebrity cheese is one of some five thousand rounds of calcium-rich goo sealed in cheesecloth and lard and swirling with bacteria. But this cheddar is the only one in the barn that has Mother Nature's slow aging process captured by a webcam fastened to a McGyver-esque concoction of wood planks, nails, a desk lamp and kite string. "People from all over the world are e-mailing us about the cheese. Somebody has written lots of songs about. It has been invited to a wedding. We've had post cards sent to it," Calvar said.

Calvar and other artisan cheese makers on his family-managed farm turn the cheese about once a week to ensure it keeps its shape. Calvar says the star of cheddarvision.tv will stay under the webcam's lens for about a year before it is auctioned off for charity. If that's too long a time to gaze into dairy cyberspace, YouTube.com has a time-elapsed video of the cheese's first three months of life. London-based mortgage broker Alan Johnson said he wouldn't mind getting a slice of the cheddarvision.tv cheddar once its matured. "Everyone would want to own a piece of that," Johnson said. There's also a MySpace.com Web page dedicated to the cheddar, described as a single Capricorn according to its online profile.

"When I first saw the link to it, I think there were only 13 or 14 people listed as friends [of the cheddar]," Johnson said. Now there are more than 860 Myspace.com 'friends' -- from New Zealand to New York -- who have pledged their love for the cheese. Cheese purveyor Patricia Michelson admitted that she wished she'd thought of putting a webcam in her cheese storage room at her high-end London cheese shop, La Fromagerie. "The fact is that most people think of cheese as being a little bit of yellow square in plastic wrap," she said. "Actually seeing the real thing in its glory, from start to finish. Watching it, live, in real time, growing and growing its molds and getting darker and literally, slowly aging is a phenomenon," she added.



Click here to see LIVE! NUDE! CHEESE! (Just kidding about the "nude" part. I don't think you can classify something that never wears clothes as nude, and cheese doesn't ever wear clothes so it's totally safe for work. Unless you'll get fired for looking at some firm, voluptuous cheese while you're on the clock! Wait, you better not look at this live cheese cam at work, how would you even begin to explain it to your boss? I mean, it's live video of CHEESE.

I wonder what they'll think of next. It seems like the only untapped live webcam feed will be of paint drying, which will hopefully coincide with smell-o-vision.


**The Farmer in the Dell is the one who spread that nasty gossip about the cheese standing alone, when in fact the cheese actually took a wife. Her name was Brie, and together they had Babybels.

A special "'ello love" to readers in England! I have nothing against your cheese, in fact I quite like it. What I wrote is just a sample of yank humor. Damn yanks!

Source

Sunday, May 6, 2007

I could drink a case of you and I would still be on my feet (even in high heeled boots)

While driving home Sunday morning after my "Weekend de Mayo", I was served the greatest hangover cure the day could have presented to me, short of a well-earned bloody mary from Wishbone. As I flipped through radio channels, I heard a DJ mention a recent Joni Mitchell tribute album and almost jumped out of my seat belt with excitement when he announced that after the commercials, the next song would be Prince's version of "A Case of You".

A Case of You
Just before our love got lost you said,
I am as constant as a northern star
And I said, constant in the darkness, Where's that at?
If you want me I'll be in the bar

On the back of a cartoon coaster
In the blue tv screen light,
I drew a map of Canada, Oh Canada
And your face sketched on it twice

Oh you are in my blood like holy wine
Oh and you taste so bitter but you taste so sweet
Oh I could drink a case of you
I could drink a case of you darling
And I would still be on my feet
Oh I'd still be on my feet

Oh I am a lonely painter, I live in a box of paints
Im frightened by the devil
And Im drawn to those ones that aint afraid

I remember that time that you told me
you said, Love is touching souls,
Surely you touched mine
Cause part of you pours out of me
In these lines from time to time

Oh you are in my blood like holy wine
Oh and you taste so bitter but you taste so sweet
Oh I could drink a case of you
I could drink a case of you darling
And I would still be on my feet
Oh I'd still be on my feet

I met a woman, She had a mouth like yours
She knew your life, She knew your devils and your deeds
And she said, Color go to him, stay with him if you can
Oh but be prepared to bleed

Oh you are in my blood like holy wine
and you taste so bitter but you taste so sweet
I could drink a case of you
I could drink a case of you darling
And I would still be on my feet
Oh I'd still be on my feet


Because I listened incessantly to his Sign 'O the Times cd, Prince was my gateway to Joni Mitchell (and Dorothy Parker, for that matter). On S.o.t.T, he name checks both women; Joni in "Starfish & Coffee", and Dorothy in--naturally--"The Ballad of Dorothy Parker". In the rare magazine interview, he has mentioned more than once how much Joni Mitchell inspired him over the years, so I couldn't wait to hear it.

If you are already crinkling up your nose and making a nasty face at your monitor, I assume that you'll possibly scroll down to another posting on my blog or perhaps you'll go to a different web page. Maybe one where you don't have to read about a man who wears high heeled boots, changed his name to a symbol (then changed it back) and sometimes sings falsetto. I totally understand if you decide to skip this post because of those things, but if you use the same methodology and base your opinion of his music/songwriting/performing solely by what they play on the radio, or on what kind of shoes he wears, or on how he chooses to be addressed-- you'll be missing out on some damn good music.



I've been a fan of Prince since Thanksgiving 1984 when (without our parents' permission) Missy, a group of distant cousins and I somehow got into the R-rated Purple Rain. There are some highly inappropriate scenes in that movie for an 11-year old, including but not limited to: nudity, language, violence, drug abuse; not to mention the bad acting by Apollonia and all members of Prince's band, The Revolution. Somehow I overlooked all of that because I was focusing on Prince's intensity during the live performances, and trying to make myself sit still during Morris Day & The Time's "Jungle Love" (Yas! oh-ee-oh-ee-oh!) concert scene.


Via: VideoSift

If you know me, you are already aware that I own a stack of Prince vinyl, as well as every cd he's ever sold, except the one Warner Bros put out solely to make some money on him after he left for another record company. Purple Rain, though a classic for the ages, is not my favorite Prince song/album. There are so many songs you've likely never heard-- in fact, you've probably only heard a drop in the bucket of his work-- that are both musically and lyrically superior to anything on Purple Rain. There is at least one masterpiece on every cd that has his name on it. I'll write up a favorites list later so you can make your own mix tape.

POST DISCLAIMER: Despite what you've already read above, I may be coming off like I'm one of those crazed people who only listens to Prince or who obsesses over one artist/group; that's not me. I don't have posters of him (and never did). I'm not in the fan club, I don't drive a purple car. I don't take it personally when people base their opinion of his music solely on how comfortable they are with his persona, because that's just sad. I have eclectic taste and listen to a ton of good music. I feel that the complexity of Prince's music made me aware as a young girl in the early 80's that there was way more to life than spending your time listening to a group called Jump 'n the Saddle Band singing a song called, "The Curly Shuffle" like the rest of my friends were. I'm just sayin'.



Anyway, back to the Joni Mitchell Tribute CD. The reviews on Amazon aren't glowing. Most complaints are that the singers didn't duplicate Joni's delivery. When I want to hear a song the way Joni Mitchell sings it, I'll listen to Joni Mitchell (and I do). I am certain that nobody can sing a Joni Mitchell song better than she can. If nothing else, you will appreciate the original artist more after hearing a less than stellar cover. I think a tribute cd is most interesting when talented artists put their twist on a song, but that's just me.

As for his version of "A Case of You", I really like it. I can see how he would write his song "Sometimes it Snows in April" (on his Under the Cherry Moon cd) after hearing his interpretation of "Case". As with the first time I heard "April", "Case" gave me goosebumps, and I bought it from iTunes as soon as I got home. Then I took a nap.

If you're still reading this (hooray for you!), here's that list I promised. If you don't know what list I'm talking about, you are totally busted for skimming everything written above instead of reading for comprehension!

1) For You: "Soft and Wet" was the breakout hit for him (and why wouldn't it be?).

2) Prince (self-titled): "I Wanna Be Your Lover" will be the one you recognize when you hear it, but "Why You Wanna Treat Me So Bad" is my favorite

3) Dirty Mind: "Head"

4) Controversy: "Let's Work"

5) 1999: "D.M.S.R." It's totally infectious.

6) Purple Rain: It's a tie between "The Beautiful Ones" (because of his performance in the movie) and "Darling Nikki" (because of an argument with my friend Kim Tucker when we were in the 7th grade over the lyrics. Here's how it went down: She insisted the apex of the song went like this: "I can't tell you what she did to me but my body will never be the same. Her lovin', it will kick your behind; she'll show you no mercy, but she'll sho'nuff show you how to CRY, oh Darlin' Nikki..." What? She'll show you how to cry? Cry? Sorry Kimmy, but it's you who is showing people how to cry with your seeming inability to put 2 and 2 together. I know you're only in 7th grade. I am too, so that's no excuse. From now on, so you know, It's "GRIND". She'll show you how to GRIND. Sheesh. Amateurs! OK, I wasn't that mean to her, but our time spent on the bus was never quite the same.

7) Around the World in a Day: "Tambourine"

8) Under the Cherry Moon: "Kiss", of course. "Girls & Boys" is right up there, though.

9) Sign 'O the Times: Picking one favorite from this is impossible. Forget about his musical ability being off the charts, this 2-cd set proves that he is a freaking lyrical genius. I could put this on repeat for days. Sidenote: The first 20 seconds of "Housequake" is a great song to blast if you have loud neighbors.

10) The Black Album: "When 2 R in Love"

11) Lovesexy: "Alphabet Street"

12) Batman (soundtrack): "The Arms of Orion" (duet with Sheena Easton. Sheena! Easton!) and "Trust"

13 Graffiti Bridge (various artist soundtrack): "We Can Funk" (Prince with George Clinton)

14) Diamonds & Pearls: "Willing and Able"

15) The Love Symbol: "Blue Light/I Wanna Melt with You"

16) Come: "Space"

17) The Gold Experience: "319"

18) Chaos & Disorder (the last album with Warner Bros before severing the ties, AKA outtakes): "The Same December"

19) Emancipation (3-cd set that celebrated his being no longer contractually obligated): "Joint to Joint". The incomparable Savion Glover tap dances in the middle of this thing!

20) Rave unto the Joy Fantastic: My least played Prince CD. "Tangerine" gets a thumbs up.

21) Musicology: "Musicology"

22) 3121: "Black Sweat"


There, that should get you started with your own Prince mix tape. Before you know it boys, you'll be driving a purple car with PRNC FAN or PRPL 1 on the licence plate, and I bet you'll like wearing high heeled boots. Ok, maybe that last one was going a bit too far, but you should give him a listen sometime, whether you're wearing heels or not.

Prince discography

Saturday, May 5, 2007

Though he had no plans to SING about it, Brazilian man influenced by the Olsen Twins' ability to turn 50 cents into a $300 million empire


Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen's 1992 debut album Brother For Sale, 50 Cents sold 325,000 copies, one brother; and had it not been for that pesky Brazilian government, one weight-in-gold-worthy wife.

RIO DE JANEIRO, Brazil - The government has ordered an Internet auction site to remove an advertisement in which a Brazilian man offered to sell his wife for about $50.

The Secretariat of Public Policies for Women announced late Friday it had ordered Mercado Livre, partially owned by eBay Inc., to remove the ad and warned it was violating a law banning the offer or sale of “human organs, people, blood, bones or skin.”

The advertisement was no longer visible on the site Saturday.
It was posted by a man who gave his name as Breno and said: “I sell my wife for reasons I prefer to keep short ... I really need the money.”

The described his wife physically and listed her qualities as a homemaker and companion. He reportedly said she was 35 and “worth her weight in gold.”


Or, you know, however much gold $50 will buy in today's market.

Source

Due mostly to lighting and "scenery": A Good Year, a good movie


Ahh yes, the scenery: A vineyard in Provence


More notable scenery: Russell Crowe. Oh, and Russell Crowe. (You men will enjoy the lovely french actress, Marion Cotillard)

No telephones or concierges were injured during the making of this film. Some wine however, was certainly killed (at least while we were watching it).

If you like watching movies that feature scenery as gorgeous as the people, this is a good pick. See the trailer here.

Friday, May 4, 2007

Someone is a purdy purdy flower; someone else is purdy purdy drunk

The memo Walt Disney never received:

See the 1947 fire prevention poster before I got my hands on it here.
POST DISCLAIMER: Though "Drunk" saw the discussed movie recently with spouse and todder (all of whom were sober at the time!), I haven't seen it in ages. I do have a long-reaching memory, though. Don't ask how we got on this topic.

Here is a highlight from a recent conversation I had very late in the evening with a friend who happened to be drunk. I was sober, which explains how I was so easily drawn into this kind of thing.

Drunk: "The best part in that movie Bambi was when his mom got shot. At least that was some drama! Everything else was boring. I mean, I sat through a 20-minute scene featuring crappy music and a forest fire. Nothing else happening, just 20 minutes of flames and some old, tinny-sounding tune! "

Me: "That movie was made when they hand drew every single frame. They had to have some simple filler scenes of hokey woodland animation and awful music. I can't believe you think the best part was when his mom got shot. That is so wrong! What about Thumper and Flower?"

Drunk: "TOTALLY CHEESEBALL! I should have just put a block of cheddar on top of my DVD player to remind me what kind of movie we were watching.

Me: "You didn't think that scene when Bambi called the skunk "Flower" was adorable? I mean, the skunk actually said, "He can call me Flower if he wants to, I don't mind" and batted those skunky little eyelashes, to which Bambi charmingly replied, "PURDY...! PURDY FLOWER"! That, my friend, is cinematic gold."

Drunk: "Don't EVEN get me started on Flower...and Thumper, NO THANK YOU! That Thumper was a real son of a bitch."



This vid proves you really can find everything on YouTube, even if it has been uploaded by someone with a video camera pointed at their TV screen.

Thursday, May 3, 2007

It's time for your spankings, Mister F!

Happy Birthday Chris/Crees/Topher/Tophy Tophowitz!

We love you!

You're HOW old today? INCONCEIVABLE!

Proudly holding up the shirt my nephew J and I made for you!

Our first face-to-face introduction was at Vince's 50th birthday bash. I won't count the years on this public forum because I am a kind person and I love Vince (if you're reading this Vince, you're only as old as the body you feel! Wait...), but I'll just say that we go back a few! Shoni said, "This is my friend Chris, you know, 'Bowling Chris'!" My first impression? That you had great hair. Serious! Anyway, we had a good 10 minutes of time all together until Jazzy sniffed out the new person in the crowded loft, and it was not love at first sight for either of you. She barked and growled like you were an intruder. I still think it was because you had on camouflage pants and she couldn't see your legs. Hmm. Dogs. Well, she might not have liked you, but I did! You and your great hair and your invisible-to-dog-vision legs!

Not too long after that, I moved back to Chicago. My visits back to see you guys are always planned around bowling night, and things never feel quite right until I hear you say, "Welcome home!", or "Shmelcome Shmome!" depending how how many drinks we've had. I wish I could be there to help you celebrate this milestone birthday. Here is the list of activities I'd plan if we were in the same city.

I would suggest starting at Egg Harbor in Chicago so you can have your favorite sandwich in the world: the Door County (or, Door COUNTRY as you call it) Melt. The very same sandwich that I text messaged you the ingredients in the hopes that it would help tame your craving.


I would not allow them to serve you hot beverages of any kind in the clear mugs that we have such disdain for.

When cropping this photo taken of us with my hot chocolate, I made sure to leave in your entire bicep. You're welcome.

After you work off the sandwich by doing 100 push ups, we'll go out to celebrate.

The ultimate in cleverness: A reversible shirt with 'I Love My Girlfriend' on one side and 'I Hate My Girlfriend' on the other.

On the way, we'll hopefully find as many revolving doors for you to go through as we can. Oh look, here's one now!

Chicago's revolving doors never had a bigger fan than you. You didn't know what the love affair was with this city and those doors (other than the fact that they're more fun than just walking directly into a building), and I remember seeing an actual light bulb go off above your head when I told you that they help keep the heat inside during the windy city winters (and of course the a/c inside during the humid summers). You're trying to look very jaded in this picture but right after I took it, you said, "I'm going around again!". So we did what any good friends would do and left you with your revolving door to go to the bar.

Then after that, it's time for your traditional show of flexibility. There are many, many other photos I have as proof of said flexibility. This is the only one that doesn't feature you in any number of positions illegal in 7 southern states.

I just realized that you're wearing camo pants in this photo! Good thing Jazzy wasn't at this bar with us in 2004. She wouldn't have seen your legs that night, either. Interestingly we were at ViewBar, whose slogan is actually "See and Be Seen".

It goes without saying that after your show of bendy-ness, everyone will fight over who gets to spank you first. Why should your birthday be different from every other night when people line up to give you spankings? Just another night in the life of Tophowitz.

A little game called "grab-ass". (Not really a game, per say, but there is a point system. I could tell you more but you'd have to be initiated. E-mail me for details).

For our 2 a.m. dinner, I think we should head to the pizza joint near Shoni's old apartment at the intersection of 29th Street & Ethan Hawke Avenue. I know what you'll have: 3 slices, one calzone and NO, you don't want to just split one with either of us. Then afterwards maybe you'll feel a little too full and will wonder out loud, several times, why you didn't just split one calzone with us?!

This is your "stoked to eat pizza" face, otherwise known as "Pre-bloat" or "Before the good times ended".

Wait a minute, we forget about lunch!

"LUNCH". Best belt buckle in the universe, purchased right here in Boystown.

We'll definitely have to get hotel rooms! Say, how about the (no longer the same) House of Blues Hotel? Between Shoni & I, you always get a "pass" to our room. We're no fools! You obsessively (adorably?) keep the place clean and you always answer the door for room service. Since you can't sit still for longer than 5 minutes, you often hit the floor to knock out yet another set of push ups or dance around the room whenever the mood strikes.

Giving the people living in Marina Towers a little "Taste of Topher". I just made that saying up, but feel free to use it.

Are you trying to sleep?


C'mon really! You can't sleep yet! It's still your birthday!


Finally, tomorrow we'd all end up on the beach in Puerto Rico sipping cold beer, looking forward to another year of big adventures together, numerous funny stories and plenty of shmelcome shmomes. However, you'll still be the only one who looks THIS DAMN GOOD:

Yowza!

The best thing about you is that your insides match your outsides. You're truly beautiful through & through. Have an amazing birthday (or should I say, "Shamazing Shmirthday!"). Love you!

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Putting the "AIR" in CARE. Uh, or the A(i)RE in CA(i)RE or the, oh hell, just Save the Cookie

Help save Janet's job (and stock options!) by clicking here and signing the petition to Save the Cookie! If you know how to type your name and hit the enter key, this will take you less than a minute to do from click to finish. Not only are you helping other people, but it's probably one of the only free things you're going to do today.

(I signed the petition even though Janet has never once, on the ground or in the air, baked me any cookies. They should really think about putting an oven near the supervisor desk.)